Entries from January 2011

Fanning the first-floor flamers

January 10th, 2011 · 48 Comments

Hannah spotted this warning (and the accompanying Fire-Marshal takedown) posted at the University of Alaska art building in Juneau. On the ground floor.

1:

“It’s the ground floor; only an idiot would use the stairs to escape a fire. There’s a door over there ->  - if it’s on fire –  <-There’s a door over there.”
“WHERE’S YOUR IMAGINATION?”

“DUH, HE SOLD IT TO PAY FOR COLLEGE.”

“What are you talking about? I’m imagining students cramming into the stairwell per this sign’s advice, just to get upstairs and see an identical sign directing them back down into the flames.”

Adding to the sign’s absurdity, Hannah says, is the fact that “the building is only two stories, and built at the base of an embankment. The upper floor can be accessed by the street on the upper level, and the lower level can be accessed either by stairs from the upper level or by at least four exit doors on the lower level.”

related: Snark-itti

Tags: Alaska · college life · elevator · questionable logic · saga · smartass · that's a fire hazard

What, no padlock?

January 9th, 2011 · 116 Comments

“Our receptionist is uber-paranoid about her stuff getting stolen, despite the fact that we are one of the rare offices where fridge theft isn’t a problem,” writes our anonymous submitter in South Carolina. “Though I’d be too scared to do it myself — the woman has a very nasty, underhanded side — I love that someone else decided to have a little fun with her.”

[Note 1:] Every thing in this drawer belongs to Elaine. Do NOT use or steal anything in here - It is for me - Elaine [Note 2:] Everything else in this refrigerator belongs to everybody else. It belongs to everybody else. Thank you, Everybody Else

related: Who’s the smartass?

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · office cop · office fridge · smartass

Take a moment and look up the word RUDE.

January 6th, 2011 · 76 Comments

Just in case you were still under the impression that leaving an anonymous note will somehow allow you to maintain the moral high ground, take a look at this classic neighborly exchange from Drew‘s apartment building in Atlanta.

I have never been in your apartment and I doubt I ever will be. However, I think I would be correct in saying you have at least one bookcase. Within that selection of books, there is probably a dictionary. Take a moment and look up the word RUDE. If you do or if you already know the meaning of the world, you should know then that this describes YOU! Your radio or television wakes me up practically every morning at 5:30 and there are several nights it played late at night. I don't appreciate it and if it continues, I will take action which will not be favorable - talking to the apartment office. Thus, consider this a one time warning. I never thought anyone would be some thoughtless or rude as you but maybe you have never tried to improve on this undesired behavior. You better start before it becomes too late!

Drop the passive-aggressive posture and simply be an adult and ask next time!

related: I hope your cat chokes

Tags: Atlanta · neighbors · noise · not-so-veiled threats · obnoxious definition · oh snap · rebuttals · TL;DR

A nasty twist on “Man Bites Dog”

January 5th, 2011 · 71 Comments

Dan in Melbourne says he saw this sign while riding along a North Fitzroy bike path, which runs parallel to a park. Says Dan: “Now, I’ve owned a dog and I know how they like to roll in stinky things, but this it taking it to a new, super gross level.”

More gross than your dog rolling in/eating some other dog’s shit? Or stepping in a fresh pile of it yourself? I’m not sure I’m convinced. (Not that humans should be exempt from proper poop-scooping etiquette, of course.)

COLOSTOMY BAGS!! DO NOT DUMP IN PARK! DOGS GET INTO THEM! THE CONTENTS OF YOUR BOWELS GET INTO OUR HOUSES! -SORRY FOR YOUR AILMENT, BUT THIS IS TOO YUCK.

Personally, I’d like to imagine this as a triumphant act of payback on the part of a score-settling colon cancer survivor. (“This is for all the times I’ve stepped in your dogs’ crap. Enjoy!!”)

related: Do you want a doggy bag?

Tags: dogs · exclamation-point happy!!!! · Melbourne · pleasantries as afterthought · shit · that's disgusting · Too good to be real?

Pets? Sure. Foreigners? Hells no!

January 4th, 2011 · 167 Comments

I wouldn’t call these two PA notes passive-aggressive — just “pretty awful.”

First up, from St. John’s, Newfoundland:

FOR RENT: Basement Apartment - $600 a month. If you are from a foreign country in the Middle East or Asia, please, by all means, call or come by, but I will not be renting your family this apartment. Freshly painted, pets are welcome, close to all major amenities.

Update: As commenter Reb points out: The “ad” from St. John’s is actually part of a Human Rights Commission campaign that’s trying to bring attention to discrimination like this; it’s not a real ad. Notice, for example, the lack of a phone number.

But this one, from Davisburg, Michigan is 100% real — and, as commenter James notes, not uncommon.

Please don't park Japanese cars in front of my office park the damn things in Japan. I first posted this in my window in 1992. A lot of people still don't get it. I remember one lady that got quite indignant after reading this years ago. It would be fitting for her unemployment to have run out and if you drive one, I hope that you are one of the next ones laid off. GRANT

Please don't park Japanese cars in front of my office park the damn things in Japan. I first posted this in my window in 1992. A lot of people still don't get it. I remember one lady that got quite indignant after reading this years ago. It would be fitting for her unemployment to have run out and if you drive one, I hope that you are one of the next ones laid off. GRANT

PLEASE DON’T PARK JAPANESE CARS IN FRONT OF MY OFFICE PARK THE DAMN THINGS IN JAPAN. I first posted this in my window in 1992. A lot of people still don’t get it. I remember one lady that got quite indignant after reading this years ago. It would be fitting for her unemployment to have run out and if you drive one, I hope that you are one of the next ones laid off. GRANT

(Thanks to Shawn in Canada and Sarah in Michigan for submitting!)

related: Dear Foreign Workers at the VW plant: we hope you enjoy these jobs…because we paid for them!

Tags: Canada · casual xenophobia · landlords and property managers · Michigan · misplaced patriotism · not so much passive-aggressive · parking · WTF?

May your New Year be very prosperous…so you can tip me better next time.

January 3rd, 2011 · 63 Comments

Shawn in Pennsylvania found this oh-so-subtly guilt-trippy thank you note tucked inside his Sunday paper. (“Apparently our paper delivery person is hoping for bigger and better tips in 2011,” he says.)

Happy New Year I would like to say to all that gave or didn't give a thoughtful gift. Thank You doing [sic] these economic times, believe me last year was a very tough year for me, you all made the end of my year lot better [sic]. Once again thank you all and may your New Year be very prosperous and blessed.  Your carrier, [redacted]

related: If you don’t tip you’re racist

Tags: guilt trip · holiday spirit · newspaper · Pennsylvania · spelling and grammar police · tipping