Your parking job brings one word to mind

March 15th, 2011 · 69 comments

An anonymous submitter from Eau Claire, Wisconsin alerts us to an all-too-common scenario: An accusatory note was left on a friend’s windshield after her parking job was deemed inadequate. Alas, the friend was not even at fault! As our submitter dutifully explains, the car parked behind her actually arrived after she had parked, making it appear as if she had carelessly taken up two spots.

Excuse you, You unfortunately are parked like an asshole. Please avoid this in the future. Love, the world

To avoid wrongful accusations, it’s sometimes useful to frame one’s critique in the form of a question. Dan of Dorchester, Massachusetts provides us with a prime example. According to Dan, the irate woman who left this note had discovered the offending vehicle parked in her spot at 4 a.m. the night before. Her only faux pas (if any) was that, upon making the discovery, the note-writer elected to honk repeatedly at the car, waking our submitter.

have you always been a fucking asshole?

Finally, Sam in San Francisco sent us this delightfully succinct note, suggestive of a world where the middle man is no longer necessary, and all poorly parked vehicles conveniently identify themselves.

I AM AN ASSHOLE

related: Less expensive (and more passive-aggressive) than having it towed

FILED UNDER: car · most popular notes of 2011 · parking


69 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Quite Contrary

    Clarification before snark. Was Dan asleep in his car in someone’s (real or perceived) parking spot at 4 in the morning? I think there might be an even better back story.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:09 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Lunar

    I say Boston note submitter writes on the note, “No, but I’m considering starting now after you woke me up. How long have you been one?”

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Deb Who

    #2 seems suspect…..UNLESS the person posting the sign keeps a pile of such laser written signage handy for various occasions? Hmmm, GOOD IDEA!

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:19 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Kelly

      I keep a stack of laser-printed stickers in my garage to attach to the cars who oh-so-cleverly park in such a way that they block my driveway. And they’re not the “easy to remove” stickers either. So… it’s possible #2 keeps a stack of signs if that’s a common occurrence in the neighborhood.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 5:41 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      Do those stickers read the same as the last sign above? :-P

      Mar 16, 2011 at 6:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   ariane

      I dated a guy for awhile that had a stack of business-sized cards that said, “Were you forced to park like this, or are you a sonofabitch by nature?” Surrounded by twee little curliqueus. This was back in the days when you had to pay a printshop to do them for you. He bought them 200 at a time.

      Given this problem: Which is worse, poor parking or a passive-agressive absentee note? Show your work.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 10:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   johnnyboy

      A most excellent idea – PAN readiness. I’m off to the printer !

      Mar 16, 2011 at 11:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   The voice of... James Mason bang

      No kidding, I’m gonna print out a whole bunch that just say “BAD PARK YOU!!!”

      :-D

      Mar 16, 2011 at 12:33 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   TKD

      YES!
      “BAD PARK YOU” stickers are a brilliant idea. We could sell them and make a killing. We could also make “BAD ________ YOU” stickers for those other annoying PA situations that come up every once in a great while. This could be a gold mine. Where is my phone book so I can look up a good print shop.

      What’s that? Technology has made phone books and print shops obsolete? Well then, so much for my fortune. (insert frowny face) But it is still a great idea to print your own stickers and pass the PA cheer around. (Insert one of those smiley face things that I also don’t know how to insert)

      Mar 16, 2011 at 3:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Sarah

    I used to live in Dorchester and you do NOT fuck around with parking over there.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Mrs.Beasley bang

    I have learned from this posting that from sea to shining sea, the traditional American smack-down for a poor parking job is officially “asshole.” Not jerk or moron, not idiot, loser, or jackass, just asshole.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:42 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   FeRD bang

      I think you’ll find that applies to pretty much all automobile-related situations/activities, Mrs. B.

      A corollary: When the vehicle is in motion, the odds of the operator being a “fucking asshole” increase exponentially.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 7:40 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Mrs.Beasley bang

      Now see, FeRD, THAT is good to know! All these years I’ve been doing it wrong. My expletive of choice for road rage has always been “dumb shit.” I need to skip the shit and go straight to the asshole!

      Mar 15, 2011 at 8:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   FeRD bang

      Oh, yes, “shit” is always best employed in adjective form. Failing that, it can be useful as an abstract conceptual noun.

      That fucking asshole who can’t drive for shit, well, he’ll never learn — he’s just a shitty driver! And I guarantee he parks his shitty car like a complete asshole, too!

      Mar 15, 2011 at 9:32 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Divvitar

      According to the immortal George Carlin, may he rest in peace, anyone driving too slow is an idiot. “What’s wrong with this idiot? Speed up or park it, you fucking idiot!” Conversely, anyone going faster is a moron. “Wow! Look at that moron go! Are you in a race for a ticket?” I guess asshole is acceptable for those who can’t park correctly. There seem to be a lot of them.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 10:00 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   unsatisfied

      personally, I prefer “fuck you, you fucking fuck!”

      the last “fuck” can become “fucktard”, depending upon the situation.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 10:49 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Mrs.Beasley bang

      I do believe I’ll have to gradually work my way up to this level of drive-cussing, for I fear were I to dive right in I chance being stricken with a plague of warts on my tongue! :P

      (P.S. Long live George Carlin!)

      Mar 15, 2011 at 11:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   The Elf

      Would “asshat” be an acceptable substitute?

      Mar 16, 2011 at 7:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   chesire cat

      When I was little maybe 3 or 4 one day I came running into the house shouting with glee “Daddy Daddy We saw a damn bitch a damn bitch!!!” My dad was like “What?!” My very prissy Southern mother comes in behind me with an embarrassed look on her face and said “Well that stupid woman wouldn’t pick a lane!”

      Mar 16, 2011 at 7:04 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   Jimmy James

      I usually go for a nice, “Double dumbass on you!” I can say it with a bit of a smile and it helps relieve the tension.

      There a definite hierarchy of profanity:
      Stuff I say to people’s faces < Stuff I say to people in cars < Stuff I say to inanimate objects, especially computers.
      It's ironic, considering that out of all those, the computer is the one without a family or reproductive organs, and thus unable to carry out at least half my suggestions even if it wanted to.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 8:20 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   Really?

      @5.7, Elf: It may be a matter of personal opinion, but I feel “asshat” is an acceptable substitution for “asshole”, and makes me feel better about myself for no really good reason. I think it may be that we all actually have an asshole, but I don’t know anyone who has an asshat. (If anyone does know someone in possession of an asshat, please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t let me know.) The abstraction comforts me somehow.
      @5.9, JJ: Thanks for the Shat reference! I use it consistently, as well.
      And to all, did anyone notice that this is about the most educational thread we’ve ever seen here?

      Mar 16, 2011 at 10:37 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   johnnyboy

      I think that asshat, being a bit further down the creative/ironic spectrum of insults, may go over the head of your standard run-of-the-mill asshole. It should be reserved for owners of offending car models that suggest a deeper grasp of the zeitgeist, e.g. a Golf or a Mini.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 11:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   brandine

    Awww, looks like there’s a lengthy paragraph of PAN in tiny font on #2. I feel deprived.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   chesire cat

      I was thinking the same thing!

      Mar 16, 2011 at 7:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   nyuu

      I, too, am curious as to the long winding buildup before the xboxheug font.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 8:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   shwo! bang

    I wish I could reach through my monitor and write “Goo Goo Ga Joob” on note #3.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Rinny

    These signs are typed. So I mean. Do these people drive around with I Am An Asshole fliers in case an opportunity presents itself?

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Jasmine

      NGL, I want to start.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Jamie

      This was exactly my thought. It’s pretty high-and-mighty to go around declaring strangers assholes when you have a stack of asshole signs in your glove box.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 9:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   butt

      They could make things easier on themselves and use these pre-made ones.
      http://youparklikeanasshole.com/

      Mar 15, 2011 at 9:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   FeRD bang

      I dunno… Keep in mind, if we’re talking about 4am parking-space claims, we’re talking about someone’s “home” spot. I find the story that much more entertaining (and far more PAN-relevant) if I imagine the irate notewriter storming home, making a beeline for the computer, firing up Microsoft Works or TextEdit or fucking PrintMaster Pro or whatever, channeling all of their still-simmering fury right down through the keyboard to create the perfect textualized representation of that emotional state, waiting for the damn printer to do its bloody 27-step pre-starting printhead dance so that it’ll actually spit out the page, and then finally barreling back outside with those still-steaming rage turdlets in hand, all in pursuit of the incomparable satisfaction that comes from taping! that! angry! note! Right! On! That! Asshole’s! Windshield! GUESS! I! SHOWED! YOU! HUH?!

      …I’m sure it’s better than sex, for cleansing the soul and ensuring a deep, restful sleep.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 9:47 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   clumber

      GAAH! Dammit FeRD! You promised to never bring up fucking PrintMaster Pro again! I gave you good hard-earned bribe money!

      Mar 15, 2011 at 10:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   johnnyboy

      Well, yeah ? So what’s your point ?

      Mar 16, 2011 at 3:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   dixiechick

    These notewriters should just be grateful that no one parked on their privates. Count your blessings, children!

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Julie Saalberg

    Brilliant. I will remember all of these for future reference.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   cherie

    To quite contrary-
    Duh. NO he wasn’t asleep in his car at 4am, she honked and woke him up… I have windows where I live, don’t you?

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   FeRD bang

      Indeed. I think somebody left those windows open, too. There appears to be rather a lot missing upstairs.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 8:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   pun.dmc

    My friend Aw Tree, once got a note that said:

    “I hope you fuck better than you park.”

    I spent the rest of the car trip in tears, while she spent the rest of the car trip driving and cussing.

    Good times. Good times. :-D

    Mar 15, 2011 at 7:59 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   strangelove bang

      Oh hell yeah, that is well said. I’ve got to print out a bunch of those pages, right now. Way better than hanging out for hours, waiting & waiting just to tell an asshole that he’s an asshole. And hey, there IS hope in it!

      Mar 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   jetjackson bang

      Most people probably park more often than they fuck.

      Isn’t parking a euphamism for fucking in some places…

      Mar 15, 2011 at 10:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   Alex

      I certainly park more than I fuck ;_;

      Tbh, I think I’d be sore if I didn’t, four times a day is a bit ambitious.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 10:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Divvitar

    How do you park like an Asshole? Was the car stuck on a toilet???

    Mar 15, 2011 at 9:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Alex

    Personally, i enjoy parking as crooked as possible while still being in the line. It amuses me to imagine people hating my parking, but I guess I’m not parking offensively enough, though I did once park with one side on the curb…
    I’m still not brave enough to parallel park; I wouldn’t get a note, I’d get my premiums doubled.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 10:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   The Elf

      You won’t offend me – when I’m in the motorcycle I don’t mind parking next to bad parkers like you. It means that no one else will try to park in the spot containing my motorcycle, which has happened more than once no matter how visibly I park it. I swear with some people if it doesn’t have four wheels it just doesn’t exist. Of course there’s the risk that you drive as badly as you park, so you might run over my bike on the way out, but you’d have to really try hard to manage that.

      My favorite was parking next to the decidedly non-compact cars in a compact-car only row. (Really, in what universe is a Ford Excursion or a Dodge Magnum a compact car?) Douchebag parkers each took up a space and a third, but hell I only need 2/3 of a space anyway, so I pulled in right next to the Magnum. And look, it’s right in front of where I needed to go and the rest of the lot was full. Sweet.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 7:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   M L

      *cough*

      TECHNICALLY, a motorcycle isn’t a compact car, either.

      Just sayin’.

      *drives off in her Mazda3*

      Mar 16, 2011 at 5:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   The Elf

      Technically….. But how often do you see dedicated motorcycle parking?

      Mar 17, 2011 at 6:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Josh

    So a friend of mine alerted me to this site some months ago asking if I still had a note that had been attached to my roommate’s windshield. Here’s the story.

    My roommate had left and forgotten something, and returned to the apartment to get it. He parked his car near the entrance to our building ,which was blocking a vacant spot belonging to another tenant. He rushed in to get whatever he left, rushed out and by the time he got there (less than 2 minutes), a note had been placed on the car. It read:

    “You shelfish [sic] pig. I gonna have you tow!”

    We had that note on our wall for months afterwards.

    Mar 15, 2011 at 11:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Mrs.Beasley bang

      Shelfish pig?

      Dang. Now I’ve got a real hankerin’ for pork and shrimp fried rice.

      Mar 15, 2011 at 11:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   The Elf

      “Shelfish pig” is just too awesome!

      But I feel the notewriter’s pain. I couldn’t count the number of times someone parked in my reserved spot in front of my house. I don’t care if it’s 2 minutes or not, don’t use my damn spot. There aren’t enough spaces in the neighborhood and I’ve got a trunk full of groceries that I’d rather not haul from two blocks away when I have a reserved spot right in front of my house. But I never called the tow truck or left a note – the problem was easily resolved by simply parking in another spot and then asking around the nearby houses until I found the culprit. They always moved the car right away and all of us were polite about the situation; I never had a problem with psycho neighbors there.

      When we moved, “good parking” was right at the top of the priority list. Our new house has a private driveway.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 7:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   park rose

      Shelfish pig might be awesome, but it sure ain’t kosher.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 9:10 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Mrs.Beasley bang

    I do think it’s noteworthy to compare the appearance of the various asshole notes.

    The first is quickly jotted on a raggedy scrap, and from the lack of tape marks may have just been tucked under the windshield wiper.

    The second note, printed left justified (along with an apparent introductory paragraph in finer print), is applied asymmetrically and fairly haphazardly with long, wrinkled strips of clear mailing tape.

    The final note, is centered on the page, all caps, and though it’s not quite centered on the windshield it is level and fastened with neatly perpendicular strips of tape.

    So is the presentation of asshole notes a regional thing?

    Mar 15, 2011 at 11:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Anii

    Maybe it’s because it’s almost 1am, but I don’t understand the first submitter’s excuse for his/her friend. Or is that a joke?

    Mar 15, 2011 at 11:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   butt

      I’m guessing it was a parallel parking situation, where the friend originally parked “nicely” but as cars came and went afterward, they left space that made it look like she had parked in the middle of a large spot.

      Mar 16, 2011 at 12:25 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Kat C.

      It’s most cerainly the FIRST person to park in a line of parallel spots that screws it up, if they haven’t considered the space they leave around them. Leaving 3/4 of a spot is unacceptable unless you’re the LAST to park there. In any case you should always pull to the END of the line. Friend of #1 would get keyed in San Francisco, forget about notes.

      Mar 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   Mrs.Beasley bang

      Note to self: Avoid San Francisco due to irrational vigilante car keyers.

      Mar 17, 2011 at 6:16 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Baroquejen

    Why no, I have not always been a f*cking asshole. I am actually finishing up graduate school in it right now. You are my master’s thesis. Clearly I have chosen wisely.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 1:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    There are far too many fucking assholes about. We really need to enforce the sodomy laws.

    Of course, this can only be accomplished by the tight-assed community.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 2:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Canthz_B bang

    Are we sure the note in San Francisco is a PA note about parking?

    Just saying, it could be a copy of their Craigslist advertisement.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 2:09 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Psycho

    As a former SF resident, I’ll stand up for the need for calling out crappy parkers there. Apparently, there’s some law that you aren’t a real city resident until some a-hole blocks your driveway. I’ve never seen more of that in any city thant I did in San Francisco.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 11:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   johnnyboy

      Is it cuz there are more a-holes there (or a-hats, more like) ? Just wondering…

      Mar 16, 2011 at 3:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Criminal Defense Lawyer Los Angeles

    I don’t know which would be worse: a parking ticket or a note proclaiming how horrible of a park job I did.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 12:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Lindsey

    I have a question: why are a majority of these notes typed up? I understand having a piece of paper and pen with me most of the time. But I wouldn’t drive to the nearest printer just to type up a note and come back to tape it on someone’s car. And I certainly don;t have a waireless printer in my back seat. Even if I did, my phone charger has already laid claim to the cigarette lighter.

    Mar 16, 2011 at 9:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   FeRD bang

      Well, I offer one possible scenario to explain the printed-note phenomenon, in comment #8.4.

      Mar 17, 2011 at 12:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Elmo

    How can a car parked behind yours make it appear that you have taken up MORE space? Don’t those line-thingies on the pavement show where one space ends and the next one starts?

    Mar 17, 2011 at 8:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   behindbj

      Not all areas with parallel parking have lines. My neighborhood doesn’t.

      So, you could have large pickup truck, space for one car, and a large work van in a row. I could park my little car in the single spot in the middle, have the two trucks leave and have two regular cars pull in on either end of my car, leaving what looks to be a badly-parked me (with tons of room on either end of my car). Happens all the time.

      However, all my neighbors are familiar with this and don’t leave notes.

      Mar 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Kat C.

      But then you weren’t the first person in the line of cars, now were you?

      Mar 17, 2011 at 2:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   behindbj

      And neither was the person who received the note – at least, not necessarily. Even if she was the first one parked in line, there could have been a large vehicle BEHIND her, and when that left and the next car only pulled up so far. It does the same thing – leaving a honking big gap between cars.

      Thinking…..it’s awesome. And so is reading comprehension.

      Mar 17, 2011 at 2:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Miss Monroe

    I am going to start driving around with pre-printed “ASSHOLE” and “FUCKER” stickers…

    Mar 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   beau

    I had a couple of cards that said ” I hope you dont park like you fuck. You would never be able to get it in”

    Mar 23, 2011 at 2:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

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