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So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door!

March 21st, 2011 · 50 comments

Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · Australia · door-slamming · message to all intended for one · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity · shit · TMI · warning

50 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Janellionaire

    Man, I know what she means with those intermittent door slammers. The least they can do is commit to it! Assholes.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:04 am   rating: 37  small thumbs up

  • #2   JetJackson

    The back door slamming produces the brown note!

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:05 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

  • #3   Mihani

    Maybe they’ll shit themselves. That’d be hilarious.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #4   Janellionaire

    Ok, I’ve heard of some pretty weird things giving people “the shits” (as the wife of a man with a delicate constitution) but sudden loud noises? Really? I bet this is a PA reply to a PA note about whoever is destroying the bathroom “intermittently.”

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:08 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #5   Captain Calypso

    Why did the writer censor “fucking” but not “shit?”

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   The Elf

      The Seven Words You Can’t Type In An Email is down to one.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 10:08 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #6   Con

    “Why did they censor ‘fucking’”?! Are you shitting me? That would’ve been rude!

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   Knickerbocker Glory

    Obviously, uncensoring ‘fucking’ is what happens when we get to see the “extremely vulgar” side.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:34 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #8   Quite Contrary

    Receiving a piece of his/her mind is better than many of the offered alternatives.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   AuntyBron

      I’m not sure the note writer has enough of a mind to be giving some of it away.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Lauren--NY

      Haha, this. Love.

      Seriously, if you’re going to star out the word (and use an incorrect number of stars) then don’t use it.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 10:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   zenvelo

    And here I thought “The Back Door – WARNING ” was going to be about someone who doesn’t like missionary style sex…

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:47 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   pit pat

      yeah, I thought this one was going to be a lot more vulgar

      Mar 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   mycaricature

    Nothing pisses me off more than the neighbours upstairs not properly closing their door, leaving it slamming outside my office/bedroom.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #11   Ace of Space

    The tune “Back Door Santa” just started running through my head. Thanks for that.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   madrugada

    I’m glad he/she isn’t shitting themselves over this.

    Granted it’s annoying when people routinely slam doors. And it can startle you. But put a sign on the door, Mr Shitfit…no need for the ominous emails.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #13   Kay

    What is blacked out? “office (and _____).” ?

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   madrugada

      someone’s name (as in, “it is also my office (and _____Elmer’s).

      Mar 21, 2011 at 9:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Kay

      Thanks. (duh to me, but hey, it’s Monday morning)

      Mar 21, 2011 at 9:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Please, do not give me a piece of your mind. You haven’t much to spare, a door may slam, and I don’t need your shit-for-brains all over me due to your sudden-noise-induced incontinence.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:41 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Madrias

      Epic win.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 10:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   Kay

    What I love about this note is the 2-year reference. This is so very, very often the reason P/A people appear to be complete freaking idiots about small deals.

    They spend a whack of time hoping someone will read their minds and stop doing whatever is annoying them — instead of calmly asking people to do the simple alternative, such as close door quietly. OR they ‘hint’ in ways that no human with normal communication skills can connect to the offending behaviour.

    The whack of time builds up to feeling near eternity and then they blow their stacks. I bet you some over-priced office supplies that the note writer has never clearly mentioned the door slamming to Jason or the intermittent door slammers before this note.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:52 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   The Elf

      Oddly, the events have caused the note writer to become anal retentive and anal expulsive at the same time.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 10:11 am   rating: 48  small thumbs up

  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    If I’d only known sooner that door slamming could cause my annoying neighbors to crap their pants I’d have been slamming doors for years!

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:54 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   clumber

      Yeah, I am much more likely to start slamming doors intermittently now than before visiting PAN today. At work for certain, at home… well at home I’d just have to clean up after the dogs so not there.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   FeRD bang

    Isn’t “scare the shit out of me” and “give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn’t believe” sort of redundant?

    Mar 21, 2011 at 9:59 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #18   Nickyd

    Honestly, he should just put some dampening material in the frame of the door, and it’s a Win-Win.

    He doesn’t come off as a jerk, and the door’s quieter.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 10:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   The Elf

      There’s that damn logic and reason thing again. Nickyd, where would this website be if people were logical and reasonable? Think man!

      Mar 21, 2011 at 10:18 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   clumber

      See now I’d go the opposite way, I’d want to place some percussion caps in the hinge area and make it a HELL OF A SLAM.

      Perhaps this explains many, many things.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 5:19 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #19   claw71 bang

    I think sombody might want to consider a combination of more dietary fiber, a walk and a cup or two of Activia each day. I suppose it’s possible to have the shit scared out of you, but subsequent bowel movements seem to indicate another issue. Personally great frights tend to leave me a little bound up as my asshole puckers and whatever crap was sitting on deck gets pushed back into the middle of my colon. I tend to get off schedule for a day or two (three weeks thanks to Blair Witch Porject) but I can see somebody going the other way with it.

    What I can’t see is a case of fear-induced IBS. Look, if you have the shit scared out of you, that’s it: You’ve dropped a mother load in your pants and it should take a good while before you have anything else to offer. So go on and blame that two-pounder on the door slammers, but they’re off the hook for your subsequent trips to spray the back of the toilet.

    As for Activia, this reminds me of just how disappointing Jamie Lee Curtis has become. It’s bad enough that one of the hottest women in Hollywood decided to let herself go and “age naturally” but to take it a step further and become the defacto spokeswoman for healthy pooping is just rubbing it in our faces.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 10:19 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   The Elf

      I’m a little shocked, Claw. I figured you, of all people, could appreciate Jamie Lee Curtis healthily pooping.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 1:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Who passed out the Haterade?

      Personally, I think more dietary fiber would do this person a world of good all by itself. Cramps of any sort make someone liable to fly off the handle, not just the ones that come once a month.

      But it’s a natural consequence when you have too much cheese with your whine.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   clumber

      Hey! Talk of intermittent shitting and f**********g and here Claw’s back! Hiya’ Claw! What’s shaking? Good to read your voice again!

      and now I will go hide in the bomb shelter.

      Mar 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Canthz_B bang

      I can handle Jamie Lee Curtis’ advocacy of healthy pooping, but The Flying Nun with osteoporosis just makes me feel a little older and a bit sad.
      I mean, just one of those crash landings could lay her up for months now!

      Mar 22, 2011 at 5:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #20   McManus

    I found that a better form of vulgarity is descriptive, not the words themselves. It’s quite possible to be vulgar without using any swears at all!

    Mar 21, 2011 at 12:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Who? Me?

      Forget you!

      Mar 21, 2011 at 8:26 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Who? Me?

      Get it? ;)

      Mar 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Canthz_B bang

      Good one, but that opens you up to the almost mandatory retort: “Forget you, forgot you, I never thought about you!” :lol:

      Apr 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   Managed Hosting

    What makes you wonder is why he put up with it for over two years before making mention of it. Wouldn’t a polite request a year ago make a better statement then an e-mail full of profanity?

    Mar 21, 2011 at 12:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   Jiu Jitsu Los Angeles

    I’m sure that if this were written in all CAPS, it would have been a lot more effective. Although, one wonders how vulgar he would get with 2 years of built up anger?

    Mar 21, 2011 at 12:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   SarahG

    Oh no! All fear the potential vulgarity in your imminent future!

    Excuse me while I go slam some doors.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   Daniel

    Translation – “When I’m in my office snorting coke and watching Scarface for the hundredth time, the door slamming makes me paranoid and I think the FBI is raiding the place … “

    Mar 21, 2011 at 4:23 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #25   Adriana

    Yeah, we wouldn’t want her to be vulgar.

    If she let this issue go for two years, then she deserves to have the shit scared out of her on a daily basis. Either speak up or don’t, but if you’re going to keep quiet, then stick with it so that you don’t unleash your pent-up, passive-aggressive craziness on everyone.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   What do I know

    Why slam the door when you can crawl through the window, play hissing noises, or wear your wooden clogs.

    I am tempted to really see the vulgar side of note writer.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   Non-Mommy

    I know you shouldn’t poke a stick at the crazy, but I’d totally have to slam the door again. Just for him.

    Also, let’s test out that sudden noise digestive issue. Popping balloons, sudden announcements over the PA, etc.

    Mar 21, 2011 at 8:09 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #28   RadialSkid

    What kind of nerve does someone have to have to write a note like this, and then say that he or she’s “over it” at the end?

    Newsflash: If you were “over it,” you wouldn’t be complaining.

    Mar 22, 2011 at 3:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #29   Sam

    To be fair to the author, they are obviously Australian – ‘giving me the shits’ is an Australian phrase meaning something is annoying you – as such, all the fucking fuck fuck references would not be considered vulgar at all.

    Still, you’d think they might have mentioned the whole door slamming issue a couple of years ago.

    Mar 22, 2011 at 7:37 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   The Elf

      Wow, another example of two nations divided by a common language! I never knew that bit of Aussie slang. Thanks for the education.

      But it is funnier if you take it literally.

      Mar 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #30   wright1

    So many mixed messages in one email! The two years of teeth-grinding and pants-cleaning before finding the couRAGE to go all PA is classic, of course.

    Then there’s having put up with it “intermittently”… what’s intermittent? The door slamming? Putting up with it?

    And being “over it”… over what? Her audio-induced incontinence? Her nonexistent tolerance? Her attempts to broadcast her displeasure via telepathy?

    So many mixed signals and unanswered questions! Her co-workers and all other users of that back door can look forward to a truly PA-enhanced workplace now!

    Mar 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   ariane

      True. To be “over” something means that it no longer bothers you. For example, you can be over a cold or the flu (you’re well now) or you can be over a quarrel with someone (you’ve made it up). Therefore if this person is “over” the slamming issue, that should mean it’s no longer an issue, which it obviously still is.

      If you’re **tired of** the door slamming, say that. And say it face to face, not in some vulgar, raggedy note.

      If I had been the recipient of this note I would have been led to slam the door every single time. And then to sing out “Sorrreee!” once I was safely on the other side of it.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up


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