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“Sweetie, I saw that Walgreens is having a sale on jumbo-sized rubbers, so of course I thought of you!”

March 25th, 2011 · 104 comments

“First off,” writes submitter, who we’ll call Lorelai, “my parents and I have never, ever, ever had any kind of discussion regarding ANYTHING having to do with sex. Mostly because, well, they are my 60-something-year-old parents. And my father is my preacher.”

Today, Lorelai is a 33-year-old “volleyball-coaching, home-owning, full-time working, Girl-Scout-Troop-leading” mother of a “well-behaved, smart, friendly, athletic, violin-playing” daughter, who happens to be the product of unplanned pregnancy 11 years ago.

“Although it took my parents some time to accept the decision I made to raise her (successfully, so far!) on my own, I thought we had moved on,” our submitter says. “Apparently not. My long-distance, very serious, boyfriend will be visiting in a few days, and I guess they wanted to make their stance clear on the matter, eleven years later.”

Happy Valentine's Day! Go buy some Magnums! Love, Mom & Dad

Happy Valentine's Day! Go buy some Magnums! Love, Mom & Dad

Lorelai says the follow-up letter from her Mom clarifying to meaning of the card was even more awkward. Sample excerpt:

I guess our gesture was our way of saying ‘We love you and want you to have a healthy sex life, but be careful, because we don’t want you to be hurt like you were before.’

Adds Lorelai: “Maybe some people have this kind of relationship with their parents, but, well, I definitely don’t.”

related: Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin.

FILED UNDER: holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · Mother-daughter notes · Ohio · sex sex sex · signed with love · Valentine's Day

104 responses so far ↓

  • #1   David

    It’s Lorelai, btw. Pedantic, I know. But if you’re going to make the reference, get it right. ;-)

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   anglophile

      I think the submitter should write back and say, “Thanks! I gave the coupons to Rory!”

      Mar 25, 2011 at 3:18 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

  • #2   oi

    People bent on clarifying good intension in their wacky, awkward actions are the worst! When you find yourself in awkward situation there is only one gate away : Silent departure without making any eye contact whatsoever!

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #3   Jaime

    Wow. Yeah, that’s awkward.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #4   Elizabeth

    Yikes. The addition of quotation marks around so proud of you really stings.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm   rating: 99  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Kate V.

      My thoughts exactly. My mom has been known to enhance greeting cards like this as well…

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   *snerk*

      Some people use quotation marks to emphasize something. Others to indication facetiousness.

      I wonder which her parents meant. Hmmmm…….

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Dev

      My grandmother does this, too. When I asked her why, she said that it is because it is the part of the card that she really wanted to “say” to me. I think we need to be open to the possibility that these aren’t sarcastic quotes.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   TickleMyBambo

      No offense, but if she really wanted to say to you what she really wanted to say, they why don’t she write it down in her own WORDS instead of quoting a few phrases here and there. Would make much more sense.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:25 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Lauren--NY

      Use of quotation marks for emphasis is a serious pet peeve of mine, because it does the opposite of what is intended.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 8:38 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   Who? Me?

      That right. Doesn’t everyone know that you are supposed to underline the words that you “really want to say”? ;)

      Mar 27, 2011 at 10:14 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   Canthz_B bang

      That was so cool!

      Mar 27, 2011 at 10:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   shwo! bang

    At least they didn’t also include a coupon for Astroglide.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Nathaniel

      C’mon, it is 11 years later and her parents signed it “Gotta laugh a little.”

      You can forget how to take a joke by 33? D:

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   TickleMyBambo

      Yeah, anyone who says and reads “Astroglide” can’t help but laugh a little!

      And maybe, just maybe, it really wasn’t all that funny or else the daughter would of laughed it off by now. Cause I know if my parents did that, I wouldn’t be laughing either.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:53 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   The_Great_G

      At least you’re not my friend who used astroglide as hair gel

      Mar 26, 2011 at 9:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   ISpy

    Is it wrong that I want these old folks to adopt me? They would be a breath of fresh air plus I could have so much fun exchanging awkward cards and coupons…

    Hey, Dad. Forget the Viagra. Here’s a a deal on a penis pump.
    Love you bunches, Lorelei

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:22 pm   rating: 81  small thumbs up

  • #7   space-aged

    Do people actually use coupons for condoms?

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   berge bang

      Maybe she’s concerned that the high price of condoms was the reason the first “incident” happened, and that the coupon might help.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:20 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   TickleMyBambo

      Plus add the fact that Planned Parenthood got cut off federal funding… We are all screwed.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   anglophile

      Well, if we’re not screwed, Bambo, then we’re not screwed.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   TickleMyBambo

      HAHAHA! Good one, Anglophile!

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   bowloftoast bang

      I used to use coupons for condoms, but it completely killed the sensation and the scotch tape kept coming undone.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:48 pm   rating: 181  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   The Elf

      Tickle – technically, the Planned Parenthood cutoff hasn’t happened yet. See, it was an amendment to the year-long continuing resolution for FY11. It passed House but not Senate. Senate is working up their own version of a year long CR, and they’ll work out the differences in conference. Given that Senate has said Oh Hell No to the idea, I think it unlikely that the Democratic-controlled Senate will allow it to pass. We’ll have a government shutdown first. Even if they did, it would apply only to FY11, which is already half-over.

      So in other words, more political posturing than actual impact.

      And none of this would have been necessary had the last Congress done their f-in job and passed an appropriation BEFORE the start of the FY. /rant

      Mar 25, 2011 at 9:27 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   TickleMyBambo bang

      I just read more into it and you’re correct, Elf, I was so up in arms about the issue that I completely lost focus of the facts and I thank you for putting it into perspective : ). But I agree, our government has been doing nothing but jerking everything around and not getting anything accomplished.

      Apr 1, 2011 at 1:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   Kay

    I’m feeling generous in the acceptance of Good Intentions today. Team parents for trying, and realizing she’s a woman, albeit it many years too late.

    Maybe if they did have this type of relationship years ago, she wouldn’t have gotten preggers the first time.

    Maybe next year they’ll realize she has grown up and been managing her birth control all these years since the first slip up.

    At least they didn’t say anything about going to hell for her wicked, wicked ways.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   dixiechick

      So nice of them not to say “If we invest in a wedding dress for you and Boyfriend, we aren’t paying for alterations!”

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:09 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #9   oi

    So nice of them to say that right and left, both brains are smart. I mean whenever I read this kind of messages immediately I question exactly which brain they mean? or they mean both of them? That is so frustrating!

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   FeRD bang

      I dunno, I don’t think that most people would typically refer to the right brain and left brain as “both brains”. I suspect most people correctly view them as yin & yang, the two sides to the coin that is the overstretched metaphor brain.

      The mention of “both brains” in Emily & Richard’s card most likely refers to the traditional (“head”) brain that we know and love, as well as the so-called “gut brain” — which has never struck me as particularly smart, but somehow it ended up running the country for eight years so what do I know?

      Mar 28, 2011 at 12:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   TickleMyBambo

    Nothing says ” I Love You” more then to leave a biting Passive aggressive reminder of how their sweet child messed up in their eyes. They’re better off giving her a pop up card that once opened, a hand comes up and slap their daughter in the face with a large condom just to show their disdain for something that happened 11 YEARS AGO!

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      for SOMEONE who happened 11 years ago. Damn! “We love our Granddaughter but really wish she was never conceived.”

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm   rating: 66  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   TickleMyBambo

      Well SORRRRYYYY! I think it’s more of the fact that their daughter had unprotected sex that pissed them off more so then their granddaughter being born. I guess we all interpret things differently.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:37 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      Cool your jets. I was making a joke. Was it a harsh and rather vulgar joke? Yes. But just a joke all the same. I don’t think the parents/grandparents actually wish their granddaughter was never born.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   TickleMyBambo

      Oh haha, I thought you took offense to what I said was all.. My humor meter is low today so forgive me for misunderstanding : D But reading it over again, the sarcasm of it is pretty funny!

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   anglophile

      *wipes away a tear*

      I love it when potential arguments are resolved in the comments of PAN.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   TickleMyBambo

      Well if it can be avoided and fixed, then there is no use for fighting haha : )

      Mar 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.7   FeRD bang

      Which I’m sure makes your socks roll up and down with the warm, fuzzy kumbaya-ness of it all, but where does that leave the rest of us who were already popping popcorn and settling in for a nice, entertaining PAN Comment-Thread Smackdown®????

      …You touchy-feely, reasonable bastards ruin everything!! :(

      Mar 28, 2011 at 1:12 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #11   bean

    I think it’s sweet of them

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   *snerk*

      Really? I find it stupendously insulting.

      “Just in case you forgot what could happen or didn’t learn the last time, here’s a little hint for you…”

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   TickleMyBambo

      “Hey sweetheart, if you haven’t learned from your mistakes before.. here’s a reminder.. Use a CONDOM or keep your legs SHUT! Cause we want you to have a “healthy” sex life and don’t want you to to be hurt like you were before. Regardless we are so “proud” of you!”

      How does that not ring any bitter bells?

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:12 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   GrotesqueArabesque

      See, I don’t see the insult at all. I see an older, conservative mom, trying to signal that she accepts that her daughter is having sex outside marriage. That’s a big deal for older religious people. I think it was an awkward, but heartfelt, gesture.

      Not to mention the coupons. Older people love those things — my mom saves them to give to me. Not because she thinks I can’t remember to buy pasta, but because we’re trying to raise 2 kids on one income and she wants to help however she can.

      Lorelai, someday you’ll be glad you had parents who sent you cards saying they loved and were proud of you.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:44 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   aaa bang

      I wish my parents were thoughtful enough to give me condom coupons, double-ended dildos, and one of those awesome looking rabbit vibrators. *sigh*

      Mar 25, 2011 at 10:15 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   park rose

      It doesn’t say how she was hurt, either. Maybe there was a real mess up with the father of her child, or other relationships in her life, or just where she was psychologically at the time – maybe her parents bore witness to all that. Maybe they are acknowledging that her serious relationship really is serious – I think the “Gotta laugh a little” was maybe a way of just lightening the fact that they sent coupons for contraception, which is obviously an awkward topic/thing to do in the family. Maybe the mother is aware that her daughter has competently handled her own contraception for the last 11 years, but didn’t know how to send the coupons across without it appearing that she was making a judgmental gesture; was worried about the gesture, and dug herself into a hole with the clarification, a bit like this comment. I guess that Lorelai knows her parents a whole lot better than any of us.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #12   The Elf

    I’m guessing that it took 11 years to figure out that abstinence only sex education doesn’t work….

    Seriously, though, my parents are a little like this too. No, they would never send me condoms. In fact we had the big sex ed talk when the very first time I asked a question about tampons. I think I was 5. But the similarity is the way they treat their kids as if they were, well, kids. I guess you’re always Mommy’s Baby, even when you’re old enough to have babies or even grandbabies of your own.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   chesire cat

      Yeah my mom is great and I am a super responsible adult and was a very good kid. I think my mom feels like she has to give me advice or she isn’t doing her job right. So she babys me and always has. It gets annoying when she is telling me obvious things like I don’t know better but yeah I think she doesn’t know how not to.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 5:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   The Elf

    You know what would be better? If you all were FB friends and this was a status update gone all kinds of wrong.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 1:57 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

  • #14   Mrs.Beasley bang

    Eww and yikes.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   berge bang

    When I read “Gotta Laugh a little,” I’m picturing mom doing one of those nervous laughs:
    heh heh…. heh heh heh… funny right? heh heh… Why isn’t anyone else laughing?

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #16   Laura

    That is so awkward – but also endearing to me, probably because I have my own set of well-meaning, awkward parents. They obviously love her very much, and I’ll bet anything that their intentions were good.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #17   Jiu Jitsu Los Angeles

    There is no way to accurately describe that awkwardness. There are some things you should never have to talk to your parents about, and especially at an adult age, this would qualify more than ever. It’s adding insult to injury with the Magnum coupon, too, in the world of awkward. Did she send a card back with Depends coupons?

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #18   Managed Hosting

    Awkward. Purely awkward. A loving gesture, I see the point. However, at an adult age- it just adds to the situation. Plus, how do you hide a card like that from your 11 year-old?

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Meg

      Why hide it? If she asks, just explain what a condom’s for – eleven’s definitely not too old to know. “Grandma and Grandpa don’t want you to have any surprise siblings, sweetie. Not that you have to worry about THAT…”

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #19   Kris

    See, this is why “never ever ever ever” having a convo about sex with your kids doesn’t prevent them from “ever ever ever ever” accidentally getting pregnant. Hopefully she’ll learn from this and actually talk to her daughter about it. I’m betting she didn’t tell her mom how the card bothered her either. I would send them a coupon for Depends, because you know they’re getting up in age and you want them to be prepared. With a smiley face for good measure :)

    Mar 25, 2011 at 2:43 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   chesire cat

      When I was about 11 or so I would call 1 800 numbers and order samples of all kinds of embarrassing things for my mom in her name. Depends was one of these. She was so pissed off!

      Mar 25, 2011 at 5:15 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   FeRD bang

      It’s the very good and super responsible thing to do, after all!

      Mar 28, 2011 at 1:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   TAG

    Canthz took an early weekend?

    Mar 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      Sorry, TAG. Hope you didn’t “squat here all day” waiting. The wife and I went to dinner and a movie after work today.
      I know how much having me around this site means to you…I’ll call next time I’ll be away. Maybe I’ll Skype you from the theater.

      Others were here though, so you still have a social life. ;-)

      Mar 26, 2011 at 2:23 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   devine porcupine

      I’m with TAG, Canthz B. I review all the comments to see if you’ve made your appearance. If not, I come back later. You and your wife should skip dinner and watch shorter movies. We need you here. No pressure. :)

      Mar 26, 2011 at 5:13 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #21   Melissa

    I’d hate to see what they get for their granddaughter on gift giving occasions. A DVD of Inglorious Basterds? A paperback copy of Bastard Out of Carolina?

    You know, ’cause you just gotta laugh a little.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #22   dixiechick

    As much as I’d like to put myself on the “dumb but well-meaning parents” team, as much as I’d like to think we can all let by-blows be by-blows (whoops, ha ha, meant “bygones”), they cut the coupon out of the paper specifically to send to her? Damn, I can’t remember my OWN coupons!

    Mar 25, 2011 at 4:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   chesire cat

    Obviously inappropriate and they went about it the wrong way, but it sounds like their heart was in the right place. They probably just don’t want her to have to go through being a single mother again on her own and the heartbreak, etc. Parents try to spare their children any sadness.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 5:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #24   Adriana

    I don’t know if Lorelai’s mother is judging her for sex life, but she certainly is poking fun at her daughter for a mistake she made a long time ago and not-so-subtly reminding her to put a wrapper on it. That’s the insulting part – that her mother even kind of thinks that her 33-year-old daughter who raises a child, has a job, and owns a home is too irresponsible to prevent any other pregnancies.

    It’s nice when parents care and sex doesn’t have to be an off-limit topic of discussion, but holding a mistake over your children well into their 30s, even when they’ve proven that they’re more mature, is ridiculous.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 6:10 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Canthz_B bang

      Even more insulting is that mom seems to think her daughter had sex once over a decade ago, got pregnant, and hasn’t been with a man since…because, obviously, she’d have a large brood of kids by now if she had.

      I mean, just how ugly can the woman be?

      Mar 26, 2011 at 2:17 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   devine porcupine

      Ugly enough to only have a long-distance ‘very serious’ boyfriend instead of one who can stomach her on a day to day basis. From the sound of it she hasn’t even met this man, yet still considers it ‘serious’ enough to state it in an insecure, overcompensating kind of way. I don’t know anything about her, except what she has written & submitted and I, like her parents, question her ability to make good decisions. I believe it’s quite possible that she HASN’T had relations in over a decade. I hate that we’ll never know how this turns out! I’m thinking he either a) never shows up, leaving her heartbroken. Or b) he shows up, tells her everything she wants to hear in exchange for emptying her bank account. Whether she gets pregnant or not doesn’t even matter, but since she’s still rebelling against her parents all these years later, I’m leaning toward another bun in the oven.

      Mar 26, 2011 at 8:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.3   aaa bang

      Wow, full of bile, much?

      Mar 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #24.4   FeRD bang

      You’re just a beacon of hope for the entire human race, aren’t you DP?


      Mar 28, 2011 at 1:18 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #24.5   TippingCows

      Clearly, long-distance relationships can never truly be serious. I definitely inferred that she’s obviously never met this guy and must be a loose hussy trolling the pages of And I’m sure she went 10+ years without sex, because she’s probably a double-bagger with no morals, right?
      Judge much, porcupine?

      I’d like to take Lorelai out for drinks some time.

      Mar 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #25   Divvitar

    You’ve got to like that mom is at least giving the boyfriend props, what with the Magnum coupon and all. Not that this isn’t horribly awkward if serious, but it’s got to be a backhanded joke.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Lauren--NY

      That’s pretty funny, but I think you might be giving the mom too much credit. ;-)

      Mar 25, 2011 at 8:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   easily distracted

      I noticed the coupon’s for a 36-pack.
      Is boyfriend coming for an extended visit, or does Mom assume these two have a marathon weekend planned?

      Mar 30, 2011 at 3:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #26   Swedino

    Leonard Cohen: “There ain’t no cure for love”, nor for stupidity.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 8:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   Rachel

    Ohhh honey, I think we have the same parents. Christian parent shame is as epic as it comes. My mom once called me a hussy because she saw a boy touch my butt (yes, a hussy, because “slut” would have clearly been an un-Christian thing to say).

    Mar 25, 2011 at 8:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #28   aaa bang

    Oh Lorelai, your parents are just letting you know that your first child out of wedlock gets a pass, but any additional ones go straight to Hell.

    Mar 25, 2011 at 10:13 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

  • #29   Jesse

    Mom loves magnums? Well I guess that’s good to know….

    Mar 25, 2011 at 11:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #30   Canthz_B bang

    Either Mom has a dirty mind or Father Dad is really well-hung.

    Why else would Mom suggest Magnums and assume it hurt 11 years ago if they’ve never talked about it?

    Mar 26, 2011 at 2:07 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   se

      or Mom knows Lorelai’s current boyfriend that well.

      Mar 26, 2011 at 6:34 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #31   Edwina the Defrocked Nun

    I thought we already covered sending valentine’s card to adult you are not romantically involved with?

    Just last month?

    Mar 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #32   devine porcupine

    Although I enjoyed reading this, I think it sucks that Lorelai would post this for the world to see. Her parents went out on a limb to show a side of themselves that was caring and humorous… and completely well intentioned. Just the fact, alone, that they are religious folks made this even more endearing. Going against the word of God & securing their one way tickets to eternal damnation, just to show their daughter that they have a more open mind than she gives them credit for… well, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think she should embrace their kind words, go get the cut rate spermicide they so kindly suggested & enjoy her humpfest, knowing that good ole mom and dad are right there cheering her on! Team Awkward Parents!!!

    Mar 26, 2011 at 5:50 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   aaa bang

      My god is David Bowie, and he supports all the protected humping one can manage. Or lack of humping, if that floats one’s boat. Although he does discourage people trying to make things their business that really aren’t their business. Speaking of which, I know you’ll just love this new hemorrhoid cream. Hey, I’m just trying to be kind by showing an interest in your anus!

      Mar 27, 2011 at 6:25 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #32.2   Canthz_B bang

      I’ve always thought that rings around your anus indicates a hygiene issue.


      Oh! That’s Uranus! So that part about moons was different too I guess.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 9:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.3   aaa bang

      Not unless you have bodies named after Shakespeare characters orbiting your ass. Which, for all I know, you may have. You always seem to surprise me, you know.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.4   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t, but I have been Mirandized. No big crime, more of a tempest in a teapot.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 8:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #32.5   aaa bang

      Damn. I hate puns with the intensity of a black hole’s gravitational pull (s pretty much everyone here knows), but even I had to thumb that.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 9:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #32.6   Canthz_B bang

      I know how you hate puns, but I figured a pun was better than an argument which would have amounted to much ado about nothing.

      Not that I mind more haters…”In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke”…but not quite yet! ;-)

      Mar 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.7   aaa bang

      Much ado about a vagina? Is that really appropriate on the internet?

      Mar 27, 2011 at 11:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #33   Quite Contrary

    I’m pushing 50. My mother and I have never discussed sex since I was 15 when she said, “I was a virgin when I got married and I expect you to be as well.” While I have never been married, I lived with a boyfriend for a while. Since I’ve never married, my mother thinks I’m still a virgin. I’m now convinced Lorelei and I are cousins.

    Mar 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #34   Sarah

    Wow, awkwaaaard…

    Mar 27, 2011 at 8:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #35   Canthz_B bang

    I think this was just Mom’s way of telling her daughter not to settle for a man who doesn’t “measure up”.
    It’s a litmus test from The Johnnie Cochran Book of Parenting…”If it doesn’t fit, you must…uh…QUIT.”

    Mar 27, 2011 at 9:18 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #36   Canthz_B bang

    I wonder why Trojan never got Tom Selleck to endorse this product?

    Magnum, Penis Insulation could have been a winning ad campaign.

    Mar 27, 2011 at 9:23 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Nunavut Guy

      A white guy pushing Magnum condoms has no credibility.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 11:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #36.2   Nunavut Guy

      Now mustache wax…………

      Mar 27, 2011 at 11:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.3   Canthz_B bang

      I so wasn’t going to either of those theres! :lol:

      Mar 27, 2011 at 11:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.4   Nunavut Guy

      There are no lies in a communal shower.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.5   Canthz_B bang

      So, it was Kernel Truth, in the shower, with the stereotype after all?

      Mar 27, 2011 at 12:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.6   Nunavut Guy

      Not that I was looking or anything.

      Mar 27, 2011 at 12:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.7   Canthz_B bang

      Of all the lost arts, staring at the wall isn’t one of them.
      Been there, struggled with that.

      You’re a true man’s man and I’d share a shower with you (if forced to) any day. :-P

      Mar 28, 2011 at 10:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #37   Odious

    [obligatory You Bad Park reference retooled for condoms followed by a dozen off-topic stabs-in-the-dark from guess-who]

    Mar 27, 2011 at 10:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Nunavut Guy

      You got a beef with Burton Cummings?

      Mar 27, 2011 at 11:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.2   FeRD bang

      Odious == Jim Kale?

      Mar 28, 2011 at 1:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #38   Brenda

    I hate tempting fate. If I were Loralie I’d have kept my mouth shut until my boyfriend was back home and I was sure I actually wasn’t pregnant again. Having to make THAT call would have been awkward.

    Mar 27, 2011 at 4:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #39   Kokopuff

    the only thing awkward about this is that this woman chose to share this card and the coupons with the rest of the world.

    Mar 28, 2011 at 8:30 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #40   juniper

    I think that was rather sweet actually. Daughter needs to learn to take a joke or even a slightly awkward yet well-intentioned exchange.

    Mar 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #41   Sarah

    Gilmore Girls is REAL YOU GUYS

    Mar 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #42   Claire

    I love how “so proud of you” has quotations added, transforming the genuine sentiment into sarcasm.

    Mar 31, 2011 at 11:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up


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