“First off,” writes submitter, who we’ll call Lorelai, “my parents and I have never, ever, ever had any kind of discussion regarding ANYTHING having to do with sex. Mostly because, well, they are my 60-something-year-old parents. And my father is my preacher.”
Today, Lorelai is a 33-year-old “volleyball-coaching, home-owning, full-time working, Girl-Scout-Troop-leading” mother of a “well-behaved, smart, friendly, athletic, violin-playing” daughter, who happens to be the product of unplanned pregnancy 11 years ago.
“Although it took my parents some time to accept the decision I made to raise her (successfully, so far!) on my own, I thought we had moved on,” our submitter says. “Apparently not. My long-distance, very serious, boyfriend will be visiting in a few days, and I guess they wanted to make their stance clear on the matter, eleven years later.”
Lorelai says the follow-up letter from her Mom clarifying to meaning of the card was even more awkward. Sample excerpt:
I guess our gesture was our way of saying ‘We love you and want you to have a healthy sex life, but be careful, because we don’t want you to be hurt like you were before.’
Adds Lorelai: “Maybe some people have this kind of relationship with their parents, but, well, I definitely don’t.”
related: Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin.
104 responses so far ↓
#1
David
It’s Lorelai, btw. Pedantic, I know. But if you’re going to make the reference, get it right.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm rating: 1
#2
oi
People bent on clarifying good intension in their wacky, awkward actions are the worst! When you find yourself in awkward situation there is only one gate away : Silent departure without making any eye contact whatsoever!
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm rating: 15
#3
Jaime
Wow. Yeah, that’s awkward.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm rating: 12
#4
Elizabeth
Yikes. The addition of quotation marks around so proud of you really stings.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm rating: 81
#5
shwo!
At least they didn’t also include a coupon for Astroglide.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm rating: 57
#6
ISpy
Is it wrong that I want these old folks to adopt me? They would be a breath of fresh air plus I could have so much fun exchanging awkward cards and coupons…
Hey, Dad. Forget the Viagra. Here’s a a deal on a penis pump.
Love you bunches, Lorelei
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:22 pm rating: 65
#7
space-aged
Do people actually use coupons for condoms?
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm rating: 7
#8
Kay
I’m feeling generous in the acceptance of Good Intentions today. Team parents for trying, and realizing she’s a woman, albeit it many years too late.
Maybe if they did have this type of relationship years ago, she wouldn’t have gotten preggers the first time.
Maybe next year they’ll realize she has grown up and been managing her birth control all these years since the first slip up.
At least they didn’t say anything about going to hell for her wicked, wicked ways.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm rating: 39
#9
oi
So nice of them to say that right and left, both brains are smart. I mean whenever I read this kind of messages immediately I question exactly which brain they mean? or they mean both of them? That is so frustrating!
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm rating: 4
#10
TickleMyBambo
Nothing says ” I Love You” more then to leave a biting Passive aggressive reminder of how their sweet child messed up in their eyes. They’re better off giving her a pop up card that once opened, a hand comes up and slap their daughter in the face with a large condom just to show their disdain for something that happened 11 YEARS AGO!
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm rating: 32
#11
bean
I think it’s sweet of them
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm rating: 13
#12
The Elf
I’m guessing that it took 11 years to figure out that abstinence only sex education doesn’t work….
Seriously, though, my parents are a little like this too. No, they would never send me condoms. In fact we had the big sex ed talk when the very first time I asked a question about tampons. I think I was 5. But the similarity is the way they treat their kids as if they were, well, kids. I guess you’re always Mommy’s Baby, even when you’re old enough to have babies or even grandbabies of your own.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm rating: 12
#13
The Elf
You know what would be better? If you all were FB friends and this was a status update gone all kinds of wrong.
Mar 25, 2011 at 1:57 pm rating: 20
#14
Mrs.Beasley
Eww and yikes.
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:23 pm rating: 1
#15
berge
When I read “Gotta Laugh a little,” I’m picturing mom doing one of those nervous laughs:
heh heh…. heh heh heh… funny right? heh heh… Why isn’t anyone else laughing?
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm rating: 15
#16
Laura
That is so awkward – but also endearing to me, probably because I have my own set of well-meaning, awkward parents. They obviously love her very much, and I’ll bet anything that their intentions were good.
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm rating: 19
#17
Jiu Jitsu Los Angeles
There is no way to accurately describe that awkwardness. There are some things you should never have to talk to your parents about, and especially at an adult age, this would qualify more than ever. It’s adding insult to injury with the Magnum coupon, too, in the world of awkward. Did she send a card back with Depends coupons?
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm rating: 18
#18
Managed Hosting
Awkward. Purely awkward. A loving gesture, I see the point. However, at an adult age- it just adds to the situation. Plus, how do you hide a card like that from your 11 year-old?
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm rating: 0
#19
Kris
See, this is why “never ever ever ever” having a convo about sex with your kids doesn’t prevent them from “ever ever ever ever” accidentally getting pregnant. Hopefully she’ll learn from this and actually talk to her daughter about it. I’m betting she didn’t tell her mom how the card bothered her either. I would send them a coupon for Depends, because you know they’re getting up in age and you want them to be prepared. With a smiley face for good measure
Mar 25, 2011 at 2:43 pm rating: 7
#20
TAG
Canthz took an early weekend?
Mar 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm rating: 4
#21
Melissa
I’d hate to see what they get for their granddaughter on gift giving occasions. A DVD of Inglorious Basterds? A paperback copy of Bastard Out of Carolina?
You know, ’cause you just gotta laugh a little.
Mar 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm rating: 18
#22
dixiechick
As much as I’d like to put myself on the “dumb but well-meaning parents” team, as much as I’d like to think we can all let by-blows be by-blows (whoops, ha ha, meant “bygones”), they cut the coupon out of the paper specifically to send to her? Damn, I can’t remember my OWN coupons!
Mar 25, 2011 at 4:23 pm rating: 2
#23
chesire cat
Obviously inappropriate and they went about it the wrong way, but it sounds like their heart was in the right place. They probably just don’t want her to have to go through being a single mother again on her own and the heartbreak, etc. Parents try to spare their children any sadness.
Mar 25, 2011 at 5:13 pm rating: 7
#24
Adriana
I don’t know if Lorelai’s mother is judging her for sex life, but she certainly is poking fun at her daughter for a mistake she made a long time ago and not-so-subtly reminding her to put a wrapper on it. That’s the insulting part – that her mother even kind of thinks that her 33-year-old daughter who raises a child, has a job, and owns a home is too irresponsible to prevent any other pregnancies.
It’s nice when parents care and sex doesn’t have to be an off-limit topic of discussion, but holding a mistake over your children well into their 30s, even when they’ve proven that they’re more mature, is ridiculous.
Mar 25, 2011 at 6:10 pm rating: 24
#25
Divvitar
You’ve got to like that mom is at least giving the boyfriend props, what with the Magnum coupon and all. Not that this isn’t horribly awkward if serious, but it’s got to be a backhanded joke.
Mar 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm rating: 3
#26
Swedino
Leonard Cohen: “There ain’t no cure for love”, nor for stupidity.
Mar 25, 2011 at 8:39 pm rating: 0
#27
Rachel
Ohhh honey, I think we have the same parents. Christian parent shame is as epic as it comes. My mom once called me a hussy because she saw a boy touch my butt (yes, a hussy, because “slut” would have clearly been an un-Christian thing to say).
Mar 25, 2011 at 8:39 pm rating: 4
#28
aaa
Oh Lorelai, your parents are just letting you know that your first child out of wedlock gets a pass, but any additional ones go straight to Hell.
Mar 25, 2011 at 10:13 pm rating: 22
#29
Jesse
Mom loves magnums? Well I guess that’s good to know….
Mar 25, 2011 at 11:27 pm rating: 0
#30
Canthz_B
Either Mom has a dirty mind or Father Dad is really well-hung.
Why else would Mom suggest Magnums and assume it hurt 11 years ago if they’ve never talked about it?
Mar 26, 2011 at 2:07 am rating: 8
#31
Edwina the Defrocked Nun
I thought we already covered sending valentine’s card to adult you are not romantically involved with?
Just last month?
Mar 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm rating: 5
#32
devine porcupine
Although I enjoyed reading this, I think it sucks that Lorelai would post this for the world to see. Her parents went out on a limb to show a side of themselves that was caring and humorous… and completely well intentioned. Just the fact, alone, that they are religious folks made this even more endearing. Going against the word of God & securing their one way tickets to eternal damnation, just to show their daughter that they have a more open mind than she gives them credit for… well, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I think she should embrace their kind words, go get the cut rate spermicide they so kindly suggested & enjoy her humpfest, knowing that good ole mom and dad are right there cheering her on! Team Awkward Parents!!!
Mar 26, 2011 at 5:50 pm rating: 10
#33
Quite Contrary
I’m pushing 50. My mother and I have never discussed sex since I was 15 when she said, “I was a virgin when I got married and I expect you to be as well.” While I have never been married, I lived with a boyfriend for a while. Since I’ve never married, my mother thinks I’m still a virgin. I’m now convinced Lorelei and I are cousins.
Mar 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm rating: 11
#34
Sarah
Wow, awkwaaaard…
Mar 27, 2011 at 8:00 am rating: 0
#35
Canthz_B
I think this was just Mom’s way of telling her daughter not to settle for a man who doesn’t “measure up”.
It’s a litmus test from The Johnnie Cochran Book of Parenting…”If it doesn’t fit, you must…uh…QUIT.”
Mar 27, 2011 at 9:18 am rating: 6
#36
Canthz_B
I wonder why Trojan never got Tom Selleck to endorse this product?
Magnum, Penis Insulation could have been a winning ad campaign.
Mar 27, 2011 at 9:23 am rating: 5
#37
Odious
[obligatory You Bad Park reference retooled for condoms followed by a dozen off-topic stabs-in-the-dark from guess-who]
Mar 27, 2011 at 10:56 am rating: 2
#38
Brenda
I hate tempting fate. If I were Loralie I’d have kept my mouth shut until my boyfriend was back home and I was sure I actually wasn’t pregnant again. Having to make THAT call would have been awkward.
Mar 27, 2011 at 4:16 pm rating: 3
#39
Kokopuff
the only thing awkward about this is that this woman chose to share this card and the coupons with the rest of the world.
Mar 28, 2011 at 8:30 am rating: 3
#40
juniper
I think that was rather sweet actually. Daughter needs to learn to take a joke or even a slightly awkward yet well-intentioned exchange.
Mar 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm rating: 4
#41
Sarah
Gilmore Girls is REAL YOU GUYS
Mar 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm rating: 3
#42
Claire
I love how “so proud of you” has quotations added, transforming the genuine sentiment into sarcasm.
Mar 31, 2011 at 11:20 pm rating: 1
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