The Stupidbomber Manifesto

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March 28th, 2011 · 75 comments

After Adam’s car got broken into while parked in his own driveway, he decided to install a motion-activated security light. Several months later, he received this note in the mail — stamped and all — from one of his (kinda totally creepy) Connecticut neighbors. Adam, perhaps it’s time to take the home security system up a notch?

related: Stupid is as stuiped does

FILED UNDER: Connecticut · crazypants · energy usage · kinda creepy · neighbors

75 responses so far ↓

#1 se

maybe the neighbor wanted to break into the car again

Mar 28, 2011 at 9:34 pm rating: 75

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- #1.1 Who? Me?
  
  Ba-dum-pa! And that friends, is how to properly start off a new PAN thread.
  
  Well done, se. Well done.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:31 am rating: 12
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#2 Ark

That note is completely creepy. Jeeze.

Though I will say that it is really fucking annoying to live across from someone who always has a porch light/security light on. The neighbors across the street where I grew up NEVER turned off their porch light; as a result it was always shining directly into my bedroom. I had to beg my parents to buy blackout blinds for my room.

So…Team No One, I guess.

Mar 28, 2011 at 9:42 pm rating: 22

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- #2.1 Megan
  
  If it’s motion-activated, then it should only go on when someone is near the light.
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 10:10 pm rating: 7
- #2.2 Kat
  
  Nope, they’ll even come on if it’s windy and they’re sensitive. If the sensitivity was turned up high they will come on if a fucking cricket hops 30 feet away.
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm rating: 29
- #2.3 aaa
  
  Then get a less sensitive one/turn the sensitivity down. It’s perfectly possible to have a motion light that only turns on when somebody gets close to it.
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 10:25 pm rating: 6
- #2.4 Janellionaire
  
  I never turn off my porch light, and the new bulb I installed shines like the mutherfucking sun. It actually never occurred to me that it might be bothering someone. I’m gonna go and see if it is shining on any windows… Nope, the trees out front are shading the house across the street.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 12:25 am rating: 15
- #2.5 J
  
  I live in an apartment, and my side of the building faces another building in my complex. The people directly across from me and one floor up love to leave their balcony light on *all* *night* *long*.
  
  In other words, I feel your pain.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:52 am rating: 9
- #2.6 Canthz_B
  
  And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.
  And God saw the light, that it was stupid, stupid, s-s-s-stupid, and so God divided the light from the darkness by use of a motion detector…because God realized that He is not infallible and had made a huge blunder by not dividing the light from the darkness in the first damned place, and vowed that the next time He creates a universe He’ll say “Let there be light…sometimes.”
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 2:18 am rating: 49
- #2.7 Canthz_B
  
  Wait a minute! That makes no freaking sense. Is the Bible saying that right after God created light, but before He separated the light from the darkness, light and darkness coexisted?
  How did that work?
  
  “And God said Let there be light, and God saw the light and it was gray, so God divided the light from the darkness, and it was now good” or “And God said Let there be light, and God saw the light and it was good, but now He had no darkness, so God recreated darkness and separated the light from the darkness and all was now cool” work much better.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 2:59 am rating: 18
- #2.8 Nunavut Guy
  
  Better watch for lightning strikes.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 6:33 am rating: 6
- #2.9 The Elf
  
  In our previous home, the streetlight was right outside the bedroom window. The previous owner had installed a nice shade and thick curtains, which worked great until the HOA replaced the light with something that shined with the power of 1000 suns. That thing was bright enough to turn night into day. Blackout curtains weren’t enough!
  
  At our new home, the neighbor across the street asked us to leave on the light near the street for safety. Okay – it’s your living room. At least it wasn’t as bright.
  
  The only thing worse than the omnipresent bright light is a bright light that goes on and off all night. Light comes on, wake up. Drift off again, light goes off, wake up again. After a few hours of that you begin to contemplate the odds of hitting it with a .22.
  
  I feel his pain, but his note is stupid.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 8:15 am rating: 7
- #2.10 Clumber
  
  Growing up, my family lived in a house along the Air Force base’s prevailing runway approach, and I managed to convince several of my friends that we were required by Federal Law to leave our porch light on for the pilots. I bet many of my friends from then still believe that.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm rating: 13
- #2.11 Clumber
  
  Interesting. I was raised to believe one should leave one’s porch light on 24/7/365.25 So I do. and, in fact, during summer months I even put one of those annoying bug lights out because otherwise the damn spider-eaters come in and the kitten knocks half the house down hunting them!
  
  I would think a security light would be more annoying. We’ll find out soon, I suppose, as we’re installing a couple on the garage and the back of the house.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm rating: 2
- #2.12 anglophile
  
  Yes, aaa, it is perfectly possible to install a functioning motion-sensor light that isn’t too annoying to you neighbors, but your annoying neighbor is never going to figure that out.
  
  Sorry, I have neighbor-light issues.
  
  Mar 30, 2011 at 8:51 am rating: 11
- #2.13 Canthz_B
  
  Dammit, Glo! Ever since I moved in next to you you’ve been complaining! I slowed the strobe light to a crawl, I disconnected the speaker system, and still you want more?
  
  Mar 30, 2011 at 9:07 am rating: 5
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#3 aaa

Neighbor, if you don’t want the light on all night, get out of the damn driveway.

Love,
Adam

Mar 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm rating: 86

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#4 Resident Grammarian esq

Well, I’m old and set in my ways. I always say that a dumb passive aggressive note only really counts when it is hand written, in fountain or cartridge pen and placed in an envelope -with a stamp.

Mar 28, 2011 at 10:07 pm rating: 22

reply to this comment
- #4.1 FeRD
  
  I suppose it’s just gravy, then, that this one is written in what appears to be the hand of the Crypt Keeper? (Or, alternately, the Widow Haversham’s ghost?)
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 11:14 pm rating: 27
- #4.2 Mrs.Beasley
  
  I was thinking that the printing has the characteristics of a sociopath. But the Crypt Keeper or Widow Haversham’s ghost work, too. Not to mention the content is extremely creepy. I shudder to think of living within security light distance of the author.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 12:40 am rating: 8
- #4.3 Flip-Flappin'
  
  +1 for referencing Mrs. Haversham’s ghost. Or Mrs. Haversham’s anything. You young’un’s look it up. Then go read a book instead of this drivel.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 10:34 am rating: 9
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#5 misheebender@mrdm79.com

Ummm. What’s with the 100/00??

And didn’t realize stutters passed onto paper… weird…

Mar 28, 2011 at 10:48 pm rating: 30

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Mrs.Beasley
  
  I’m thinking that’s how you write 100% in Transylvania.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 12:41 am rating: 13
- #5.2 Who? Me?
  
  100/00 = math major stupid
  
  Notice the mastery of English in the note, the frugality of words.
  
  Math major stalkers are the worst.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:44 am rating: 15
- #5.3 Canthz_B
  
  Or, 100/00 = major stupid math…since you can’t divide by zero.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 2:44 am rating: 6
- #5.4 Jimmy James
  
  “And didn’t realize stutters passed onto paper… weird…”
  
  Perhaps he was dictating?
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 9:09 am rating: 11
- #5.5 AuntyBron
  
  See when I first read the note I thought he was writing 999999999.9 (percent) like he had decided it wasn’t completely 100/00 annoying. But so aggrivating that it makes you stutter in writing? double weird, dude.
  
  Mar 30, 2011 at 12:23 am rating: 0
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#6 mishee

Damn. Out of practice posting on here…. lol.

Mar 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm rating: 6

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- #6.1 Canthz_B
  
  Not to worry, mishee. It’s like riding a bike!
  
  Good to see you back!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 2:45 am rating: 3
- #6.2 aaa
  
  Oh hey, nice to have you back!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 10:01 am rating: 2
- #6.3 Clumber
  
  ♥♥♥♥!!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm rating: 1
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#7 JetJackson

Maybe he just lives next door to Run DMC…

It’s stupid to leave (the lights), to leave the lights (on all night), it’s stupid, s-s-s-s-stupid, stupid, stupid! Huh!

Mar 28, 2011 at 10:53 pm rating: 23

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Beastie Girl
  
  (er, that’s B-boys, B-boys, B-boys)
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm rating: 2
- #7.2 FeRD
  
  Er… wha, BG? JJ had it right…
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_Tricky
  
  Mar 28, 2011 at 11:16 pm rating: 0
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#8 Canthz_B

I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

Mar 28, 2011 at 11:13 pm rating: 21

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- #8.1 The voice of... James Mason
  
  S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 7:54 am rating: 4
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#9 Lauren--NY

I laughed out loud at that note for an inappropriate amount of time.

But yes, super creepy.

Mar 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm rating: 13

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#10 Pam

Adam should show this note to his mail carrier to see if he/she recognizes the writing. He can narrow it down to people who are wihin sight of his driveway.

Mar 28, 2011 at 11:48 pm rating: 4

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- #10.1 pony girl
  
  Adam should show that note to all of his friends and relatives, so if he disappears or is found dead, there will at least be one clue.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:28 am rating: 43
- #10.2 Who? Me?
  
  Move to second. The motion passes.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:47 am rating: 6
- #10.3 Clumber
  
  All opposed? Hit the thumbs down.
  
  snicker
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 1:02 pm rating: 6
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#11 Nahhh

The only way to respond to this level of insanity is with: “What light?”

Mar 29, 2011 at 12:36 am rating: 33

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- #11.1 The Elf
  
  That is brillant!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 8:18 am rating: 0
- #11.2 Captain Picard
  
  THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 9:05 am rating: 21
- #11.3 Canthz_B
  
  You touched my inner Trekker, Captain. Loved that episode!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 10:11 am rating: 5
- #11.4 aaa
  
  My outer Trekker was touched, too. Watch yourself, Captain, we’re in public…
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 11:45 am rating: 8
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#12 Divvitar

What’s with that bizarre code at the end?
“8.9, 9.9, 9.’9, 5’8 stupid.” I can’t even use these for the lottery!

Mar 29, 2011 at 1:12 am rating: 15

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- #12.1 J
  
  I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought the S’s at the end were numbers.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 2:05 am rating: 12
- #12.2 Jimmy James
  
  Now that I look at it, I think the dotty looking things are poorly written o’s. So it says “So so so so stupid,” which makes a little more sense.
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 9:08 am rating: 7
- #12.3 The Elf
  
  Oh I think we left “sense” a long time ago
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 9:41 am rating: 17
- #12.4 Canthz_B
  
  Anti-Orphan Annie Eye O’s cause great destruction when they make contact with standard Orphan Annie Eye O’s.
  
  That’s not my opinion…that’s basic physics.
  
  And on his farm he had some sub-atomic particles, here a quark, there a quark, everywhere a quark-quark…
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 10:29 am rating: 2
- #12.5 Hand Banana
  
  If only he knew his note were going to be published and become famous on PAN … maybe he would have written a bit more clearly …
  
  Apr 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm rating: 1
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#13 pony girl

That handwriting is 100/00 CREEPY.

I would move-move-m-m-m-move.
Now.

Mar 29, 2011 at 1:26 am rating: 28

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#14 Canthz_B

I get the distinct impression that the neighbor doesn’t think having lights on all night is a good idea.
I just wish they’d come right out and say how they really feel about it.

Mar 29, 2011 at 2:01 am rating: 8

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#15 Nunavut Guy

There’s a light,over at the Frankenstein place…………

Mar 29, 2011 at 6:39 am rating: 10

reply to this comment
- #15.1 The Elf
  
  Darkness must go down the river of night’s dreaming, flow morphia slow, let the streetlight coming streaming into my life…..
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 8:20 am rating: 5
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#16 KJS

Oh shit balls. If I were Adam, I might have wet myself.

Mar 29, 2011 at 7:08 am rating: 3

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#17 Nope

Wow, talk about some bad handwriting. If you’re going to go to the trouble of sending someone a note, even a passive-aggressive one, at least make it legible, jeez.

Mar 29, 2011 at 8:09 am rating: 3

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#18 GeeK

I thought the “numbers” might be times…like 4-9, 5-9, 9-9. Maybe signifying time spans they saw the light on..But, yeah, I can see S’s now that you guys mentioned it.

Takes A LOT less effort to hang a blanket in the offensive window (if you’re too cheap to buy blackout blinds)…we had a neighbor with a super-sensitive motion light when I was a kid, and that’s what my parents did.

Mar 29, 2011 at 8:19 am rating: 3

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#19 Godric Gryffindor

My Guess is he is apure blood descendant of Salazar Slytherin. I’m surprized there’s not a dead snake nailed to the front door.

Mar 29, 2011 at 8:54 am rating: 13

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#20 *snerk*

Lights on all night is not as stupid as lights on all day.

Just sayin’.

Mar 29, 2011 at 10:19 am rating: 15

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- #20.1 FeRD
  
  And both pale in comparison to “lights on, nobody home”.
  
  Which I think adequately describes our,
  esteemed steemed steamed
  100/00 → steamed steamed n-n-n-n-n-notewriter!
  
  Mar 29, 2011 at 6:42 pm rating: 9
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#21 Nunavut Guy

When is someone going to do something about that dam moon?

Mar 29, 2011 at 12:21 pm rating: 8

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#22 Jame Gumb

It rubs the lotion on its s-s-s-s-s-skin……

Mar 29, 2011 at 1:03 pm rating: 12

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#23 Lazykins

100/00 -> sure that note was written by the oldest resident in the neighborhood. If my grandfather wasn’t long dead, I’d swear he wrote it…

Mar 29, 2011 at 2:37 pm rating: 3

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#24 MD

There is only one sane way to respond.

Reprogram a dancing snowman to blare “I wear my sunglasses at night, s-s-s-s-so I can…”

The light obviously needs a buddy system in play. For its own safety.

And, of course, you email that note to everyone you have ever known with a little “In case of my s-s-s-sudden demise or disappearance, please start here.

Mar 29, 2011 at 4:47 pm rating: 6

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#25 MD

There is only one sane way to respond.

Reprogram a dancing snowman to blare “I wear my sunglasses at night, s-s-s-s-so I can…”

The light obviously needs a buddy system in play. For its own safety.

And, of course, you email that note to everyone you have ever known with a little “In case of my s-s-s-sudden demise or disappearance, please start here.”

Mar 29, 2011 at 4:51 pm rating: 4

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- #25.1 Hand Banana
  
  it was funnier the first time
  
  Apr 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm rating: 1
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#26 Therapist Beverly Hills

Well, that’s one way to get your point across. It would have been funnier if they would have used multiple adjectives to describe “stupid”

Mar 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm rating: 1

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#27 Frank

come on!
The note, while it doesn’t really make sense, DOES get it’s point across. Turn off your damn light jackass! If it was me, I’d shoot it out with a BB gun or go up and adjust the sensitivity myself.
Shame on the idiot who leaves his light on all night.

Mar 29, 2011 at 9:10 pm rating: 1

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#28 So so so so awesome

This is one of the best PANs in a while. I read it yesterday and came back to see it today.

Mar 30, 2011 at 7:31 am rating: 0

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#29 anglophile

You all are being too harsh on the note writer. Sleep deprivation does terrible things.

Mar 30, 2011 at 8:55 am rating: 10

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#30 MMA Los Angeles

Is that a 100 % sign in between the stupid? It’s also funnier mailed and in horrible print.

Mar 30, 2011 at 3:05 pm rating: 0

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#31 cizzerhand

Great. Now cheerleaders are writing PANs.

Mar 31, 2011 at 1:47 am rating: 0

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#32 Odious

With so many posters here bragging about gladly wasting energy, current problems are explained in one PAN thread.

Mar 31, 2011 at 2:47 am rating: 0

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The Stupidbomber Manifesto

March 28th, 2011 · 75 comments

75 responses so far ↓

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