Entries from March 2011

“Sweetie, I saw that Walgreens is having a sale on jumbo-sized rubbers, so of course I thought of you!”

March 25th, 2011 · 104 Comments

“First off,” writes submitter, who we’ll call Lorelai, “my parents and I have never, ever, ever had any kind of discussion regarding ANYTHING having to do with sex. Mostly because, well, they are my 60-something-year-old parents. And my father is my preacher.”

Today, Lorelai is a 33-year-old “volleyball-coaching, home-owning, full-time working, Girl-Scout-Troop-leading” mother of a “well-behaved, smart, friendly, athletic, violin-playing” daughter, who happens to be the product of unplanned pregnancy 11 years ago.

“Although it took my parents some time to accept the decision I made to raise her (successfully, so far!) on my own, I thought we had moved on,” our submitter says. “Apparently not. My long-distance, very serious, boyfriend will be visiting in a few days, and I guess they wanted to make their stance clear on the matter, eleven years later.”

Happy Valentine's Day! Go buy some Magnums! Love, Mom & Dad

Happy Valentine's Day! Go buy some Magnums! Love, Mom & Dad

Lorelai says the follow-up letter from her Mom clarifying to meaning of the card was even more awkward. Sample excerpt:

I guess our gesture was our way of saying ‘We love you and want you to have a healthy sex life, but be careful, because we don’t want you to be hurt like you were before.’

Adds Lorelai: “Maybe some people have this kind of relationship with their parents, but, well, I definitely don’t.”

related: Happy Valentine’s Day to my son…and the harlot with whom he’s living in sin.

Tags: holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · Mother-daughter notes · Ohio · sex sex sex · signed with love · Valentine's Day

What you’re missing by not befriending your Mom on Facebook

March 24th, 2011 · 68 Comments

DeeAnne recently received this postcard from her mother, who’s vacationing in Hawaii. “After regaling me with the usual tales of beautiful scenery and exotic fauna,” says DeeAnne, “she reminded me that if only I would succumb to her 10,000th ‘hint’ to accept her friend request on Facebook — note the double underline — I too would be able to glimpse paradise.”

And yet, “as you can see, she’s forgiving enough that she’s still willing to show them to me upon her return.” (Phew.)

There are plenty of photos on Facebook but YOU are not my friend! I can show you when I get home. Love, Mom

related: This is what happens when parents use Facebook

extra credit: Saturday Night Live, “Mom’s on Facebook”

Tags: Facebook · Hawaii · Mother-daughter notes · signed with love

If you’re not going to pay attention in class, please do so in a way that doesn’t distract me from not paying attention either.

March 23rd, 2011 · 92 Comments

So, Claire in Canada was sitting in Psych class and — shame on her — “talking quietly with a friend” when she noticed this guy’s screen in the row ahead of them. After they stopped talking, she says, “He then went on Skype chat with someone for the rest of the class.”

Adds Claire: “Don’t worry, I leaned in and whispered an apology for interfering with his Skyping.”

Please stop whispering behind me!

related: “The hair pulling debackle of lecture”

Tags: Canada · college life

I can feel your teeth clenching from here :)

March 22nd, 2011 · 74 Comments

Be afraid, roomies. Be very afraid.

maybe someone should do the dishes? because it kind of smells like shit in here :D (i won't be doing them because I've done them the last 4-5 times) LOVE YOU GUYS :)

related: I don’t complain.

Tags: "helpful" advice · dishes · martyr complex · odor · roommates · signed with love · smiley

So this is your NON-vulgar side? Shut the front door!

March 21st, 2011 · 50 Comments

Sorry, I meant back door. I’m gonna slowly back away now, ma’am…

Hi Jason (and other intermittent door slammers): DO NOT SLAM THE BACK F*****G DOOR. The back room is a thoroughfare but it is also my office (and [redacted]). Sudden loud noises scare the shit out of me and also give me the f*****g shits like you wouldn't believe. Don't do it again or you will get to see a side of me that is extremely vulgar. I've been putting up with it intermittently for the past 2 years and am over it. If you have a problem with my request come and see me so I can give you a piece of my mind.

related: Dear lovely ladies

Tags: all-staff e-mail · Australia · door-slamming · message to all intended for one · office · pointlessly self-censored profanity · shit · TMI · warning

Jesus is my copilot…and my home security system.

March 17th, 2011 · 75 Comments

Gloria in Pennsylvania spotted this warning — sort of a New Testament twist on the old “lamb’s blood on the doorpost” trick — posted on a neighbor’s apartment door.

You - trying to get in: This Household is protected by the blood of Jesus. The LORD Rebuke You. Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91; Malachie 3:11-12. How is it that you are NOT afraid to come against God's Anointed???

Now, maybe it’s because I’m a godless heathen, but if I ever took up a life of crime, I think I might find this sign from a West Virginia convenience store (as photographed by Matt in Brooklyn) just a bit more convincing.

Attention burglars I sleep here if you break in you will be shot and may die

related: When sleeping, you will get burned and die immediately!

Tags: God · Jesus · most popular notes of 2011 · not-so-veiled threats · Pennsylvania · questionable logic · stealing · warning · West Virginia

“Place cats in box”

March 16th, 2011 · 53 Comments

A few months ago, one of the stray cats around Kristen‘s townhouse in Redding, California had a litter of kittens, which have since grown into a small army of vicious feral felines. Kristen says she and her husband were just discussing getting one those live cat traps to deal with the problem when they came across the landlord’s DIY version.

“Apparently,” says Kristen, “he expects us to wrestle one of these very angry animals through the hole in this cardboard box, leave it there to play with some makeshift ‘cat toys,’ and then call the Humane Society in the morning. It’s so easy!”

I’m thinking this landlord must watched one too many Maru videos on YouTube

FERAL CATS: Place cats in box. Leave out of the rain. Call Haven Humane 241-2550.

Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.

related: Don’t feed the cat (or the trolls)

Tags: animal welfare · cats · landlords and property managers · WTF?

Your parking job brings one word to mind

March 15th, 2011 · 69 Comments

An anonymous submitter from Eau Claire, Wisconsin alerts us to an all-too-common scenario: An accusatory note was left on a friend’s windshield after her parking job was deemed inadequate. Alas, the friend was not even at fault! As our submitter dutifully explains, the car parked behind her actually arrived after she had parked, making it appear as if she had carelessly taken up two spots.

Excuse you, You unfortunately are parked like an asshole. Please avoid this in the future. Love, the world

To avoid wrongful accusations, it’s sometimes useful to frame one’s critique in the form of a question. Dan of Dorchester, Massachusetts provides us with a prime example. According to Dan, the irate woman who left this note had discovered the offending vehicle parked in her spot at 4 a.m. the night before. Her only faux pas (if any) was that, upon making the discovery, the note-writer elected to honk repeatedly at the car, waking our submitter.

have you always been a fucking asshole?

Finally, Sam in San Francisco sent us this delightfully succinct note, suggestive of a world where the middle man is no longer necessary, and all poorly parked vehicles conveniently identify themselves.

I AM AN ASSHOLE

related: Less expensive (and more passive-aggressive) than having it towed

Tags: car · most popular notes of 2011 · parking

Kitty Containment: A global issue

March 14th, 2011 · 102 Comments

Greta from Sydney couldn’t help but take notice when her new flatmate affixed no fewer than five pleas for feline containment around their home. Greta’s takeaway? “I don’t think I’m supposed to let the cat out.”

The cat ('Bones') is now here. he has to stay in for at least 2 weeks. IF YOU OPEN ANY DOOR OR WINDOW: MAKE SURE THE CAT CAN'T ESCAPE

DON'T LET THE CAT OUT K,THX

DON'T LET THE CAT OUT


Don't Let the cat out (he's in there)DON'T LET THE CAT OUT

While this plethora of preventative postings might strike some as overkill, Jens from Oman informs us that his flatmate did in fact release his friend Jerry’s cat “while in an intoxicated state.” Though the cat was recovered, a “massive reward” was required, prompting Jerry to place these helpful notes on their front door.

Just in case you are stupid enough not to remember I live here

DO NOT let the cat out when u leave or open this door

Finally, we received this bulletin from Michelle and Guy, spotted at their local postoffice in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. Though not actually passive-aggressive, we still felt that it was our civic duty to share this alarming note with our readers.

Attention Cat Owners!

related: I’M A CAT. It’s okay for me to play outside. Seriously.

Tags: animal welfare · blitzkrieg approach · cats · roommates

(It ain’t gonna be tossing you any beads)

March 10th, 2011 · 47 Comments

Dear Monterey Aquarium Staff: Our submitter, Kevin from Napa, would like to suggest that you consider revising the phrasing of your photography policy. (Unless this type of thing is what you’re trying to avoid.)

Adds Kevin: “I don’t know which is more juvenile: thinking this sign was funny, or trying to pretend that it’s not.”

Please don't flash the octopus

Okay, is it Friday yet?

related: Our last octopus died from overexposure.

Tags: animal welfare · California · not so much passive-aggressive