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Oh Grandpa, you tell the funniest bedtime stories!

April 12th, 2011 · 65 comments

Hannah spotted this gem above the sink of dirty dishes in her San Francisco office.

Someday when you're wondering why you're alone and society has all but crumbled around you, you'll think back to the dishes you left in the sink and you'll say

related: May the sanctity of the sink prevail!!

FILED UNDER: dishes · guilt trip · kids today · most popular notes of 2011 · San Francisco · TL;DR

65 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    …so stock up on those safe nukes, but be sure to do the dishes!

    Apr 12, 2011 at 10:45 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #2   lissa

    that my dear was how the gospel of the dishes came about…lol

    Apr 12, 2011 at 10:47 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #3   snail whisperer

    Oooh! After following this blog awhile, this was looking like just another over-the-top office rant like so many others, and then, ZING, old dude complaining about those damn kids today.

    Go Team Geezer!

    Apr 12, 2011 at 10:48 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   wonderman

      Farkin right, Team Geezer all the way!

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:59 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Rattus

      Indeedy, Team Geezer it is for me. Freakin’ kids and their lazy, self-centred asses.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 10:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   The Elf

      And get off my lawn!

      Apr 14, 2011 at 7:43 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Russian President Dmitry Medvedev and US President Barack Obama issued a joint communique announcing that the kitchen staff of the Kremlin and the White House joined forces today and have voted to go on strike.

    Stockpiles of dirty dishes are growing dangerously high.

    The US immediately moved to DEFCON 2.

    Apr 12, 2011 at 10:56 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   BrookeDiz

      DEFKIT 2!

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   lagne

    Literate PAN writers really should learn the fine art of brevity. Nobody reads long PANs unless there are lots of F-words, mangled English, mangled grammar, or out-of-proportion hysterical emotion*. Where’s the fun in someone bitching me out using CORRECT grammar?

    (*or dirty pictures)

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:01 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   sonny bishop

      If someone starts a brevity class, can they please invite TickleMyBambo? Just saying…

      Apr 13, 2011 at 6:30 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Brevity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

      Tickle, unlike some people, actually has something of value (agree or not) to say that “Just saying…” cannot say.

      Just thought I’d brief you on that, sonny, while keeping it short enough for your attention span.

      Oh yeah, “GET OFF MY LAWN!!” ;-)

      Apr 13, 2011 at 7:37 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   unsatisfied

      BAD CLEAN YOU!!!

      is that enough brevity?

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:23 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   Canthz_B bang

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Jimmy James

      ‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.

      (That’s what she said!)

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:38 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   Canthz_B bang

      I get you, JJ LOL

      ‘Tis better to be open-minded , than dense.

      One need not agree with all one hears, but for goodness sake try hearing it.

      One may learn a thing or two along the way.
      Is that so bad?

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #5.7   tofupuppy

      Correct grammar? It’s close. Not perfect. It’s got several punctuation errors, at least one missing word, and one wrong word choice entirely. I don’t even count starting a sentence with a conjunction because that one doesn’t bother me.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 11:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.8   sonny bishop

      wow, canthz…I’m honestly a little hurt. I read your very touching story the other day about your bus ride and I really felt you had connected with a lot of people, including myself. My attention span and my intelligence are just fine, thanks. Although it would appear I have horrible comedic timing, or maybe just a bad sense of humor. It stings right in the gut to have you insult me in front of all these people. But I will continue to enjoy your posts ( in silence from now on.) I would just like to say I have, in the past stood up for you in the comments section, and consider you one of the more intelligent posters here. Of course, you don’t need my help defending yourself, you’ve proven that many times. On a final note, I grew up in the projects of Pittsburgh, and spent my summers roaming the streets without supervision, so I do applaud your mother’s decision to send you south. I haven’t quite risen above the poverty yet, but I do try to be rich in humor and compassion.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #5.9   Canthz_B bang

      Nothing personal, I just took exception to the unnecessary attack on Tickle…mostly because this note was going so attack-free at the time I dared to hope it’d stay that way. ;-)

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.10   TickleMyBambo

      Unnecessary attack on me? Huh?… *Shrugs* eh, I guess since I didn’t notice it must not be that bad.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 10:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #5.11   TickleMyBambo

      Sonny Bishop,

      If you, or anyone else for that matter, feel that the lack of “brevity” in my posts are to tedious for your hamster cage of a mind.. There is a “scroll” wheel on your mouse for a reason, if my posts are causing your head to hurt or your ADHD to act up.. I really suggest you use this wheel to brush off those rather long, annoying, posts that seem to bother you so much. I don’t force people to read my comments, nor do I expect them to. If you don’t agree with what I have to say, that’s fine.. If you don’t like me as a person in general, oh well I don’t care. I know what my faults are and don’t blame people for being turned off by them. If I honestly, truly, cared if people thought negatively of me or didn’t care about what I had to say, I wouldn’t bother being here. I am not going anywhere and you can make all the snide, passive aggressive, jabs you want it ain’t going to change the fact that I am going to continue to practice my lack of brevity because I feel that what I have to say is of either importance or sheer dumb humor.

      CB and unsatisfied, thank you both for having my back, I truly appreciate it. Good to know that despite my undesirable traits, there are people who value my posts and accept me for who I am :D… A menace to PAN society!! Get ready folks to have your threads violated by my lack of brevity!! Giggity Giggity Motherfuckin’ Goo!

      Apr 14, 2011 at 12:04 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.12   unsatisfied

      unsatisfied = back-haver.

      it’s what I do.

      giggity goo.

      Apr 14, 2011 at 9:35 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   Risha

    I’m pretty sure I’m going to look back and think “I’m glad I didn’t waste my time doing the dishes instead of enjoying my life.” Of course, I really hate doing dishes, so that might be skewing my perspective.

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:01 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   TickleMyBambo

      Yeah.. It’s not like America isn’t having a recession and nearly coming close to a government shutdown, or Libya and other countries in the middle east aren’t at civil unrest, or Japan enduring a tsunami followed by a nuclear meltdown… In the warped reality that the Note writer.. None of these problems don’t amount to the ever growing, devastating problem that is dirty dishes in the company sink and how this issue of selfishly driven proportions have been destroying so many societies and must be stopped or else risk being unloved and alone.. Cause surely there aren’t any other problems out there that should be stressed… No sirey. *Insert rolly fucking eyes here*

      Apr 12, 2011 at 11:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Canthz_B bang

      Well, answer me this:

      Have archaeologists ever found a clean Roman dish?

      Food for thought, but wash it off when you’re finished just in case.

      Apr 12, 2011 at 11:32 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   TickleMyBambo

      … So the Romans too, had enough of dirty dishes… Interesting…

      Apr 12, 2011 at 11:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Rattus

      As long as you are okay thinking back about the resentment of those who share your space because of the roaches, mice, odours and the fact that they have to clean up after you. Ahhhh, resentment – totally worth that free five minutes.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 10:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Sean Jungian

      The resentments of people I didn’t care about in the first place (at least not enough to do the dishes)? Of people I never see (since I’m old and alone)? That is not compelling currency.

      I do my dishes. I’m just not motivated by the resentments of others in regards to something as low-level as doing dishes.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 6:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve been hearing about “dirty bombs”.

    I demand a preemptive strike!

    Invade any country that uses plates, and wash every one of their dishes before they develop a dirty dish bomb!

    Blast them back into the Paper Plate Age before it’s too late if they resist!!!

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #8   TickleMyBambo

    Poor note writer, all those years spent dwelling on how he/she did not get the love and recognition he/she thought he/she deserves must be taking a huge toll on him/her. Despite all his/her long years of dish washing contributions to society, the “self centered” people still haven’t given the not writer a moments notice of appreciation. Maybe if the note righter laid off the PA notes, the dishes might actually get done and people might end up liking this grouch enough to respect their complaints.

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:06 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   harmonicpies

      Better yet, Gramps could learn from the self-centred a-hole generation and just throw all the dirty dishes in the trash can when he needs to use the sink.

      If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

      Apr 14, 2011 at 10:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #9   Sensible Madness bang

    “Furthermore, if you kids would stay off my damn lawn the grass wouldn’t be dead and this global warming thing wouldn’t be a problem.”

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

  • #10   JetJackson

    Best not to link dirty dishes and the apocalypse or Christians everywhere will be leaving their dirty dishes in the sink in an effort to bring forward the second coming of christ.

    Apr 12, 2011 at 11:59 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   quat

      Just one more reason not to visit my born again relatives! Just say “no” to a tea party on filthy dishes and cups! Not that Tea Party people actually HAVE tea parties…it was at a lunch that my cousin informed me, in all seriousness, that a jihad was “Where the Muslims kill all the imbiciles”. I wish I had said, “I can see why you are so concerned”, before choking on my iced tea.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 12:24 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      Ask not for whom the bell tolls… :lol:

      Apr 13, 2011 at 12:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   JetJackson

      Next time I see dirty dishes I will be compelled to yell “The end is near!”

      Apr 13, 2011 at 1:06 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   park rose

      I shall yell, “I’m a little teapot!” and sing that sweet little tune with the appropriate accompaniments right to the point where I get all steamed up. Thereafter I shall demand that whoever happens to be in the room with me at the time to,”Tip me over and pour me out!” What fun!

      Apr 13, 2011 at 6:06 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   Canthz_B bang

      I’d tip you over and pour me out any time, rose! ♥
      I’m not short but am stout, and I bet you’d whistle if you saw my spout…not that you couldn’t handle it…!

      Booyahh! That covered the whole gamete! :-P

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   Divvitar

      If Jihad is killing imbiciles, how do I convert and where do I sign up? :P

      Apr 13, 2011 at 11:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.7   quat

      I’m in.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 11:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    What really burns my butt about this is that I was paid a minimum wage rate of $3.65/hr when I worked as a dishwasher.

    If I’d have known I was saving the world as we know it I’d have asked for almost double that.

    You might think I would have asked for more than that, but let’s face it, just how much is the world as we know it really worth?

    Apr 13, 2011 at 12:26 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   TippingCows

      ALMOST double? You sell your world-saving skills short, sir. I think I’ll go find a part-time job as a dishwasher … although that might be kind of hard since around here the Mexicans get to do most of the world saving. Darn those Mexicans … they get to do ALL the cool stuff.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      ROTFL, TC. :lol:

      You know, 20 years ago in my old town in New Jersey I swear there were only three Mexicans.
      Two worked as dishwashers at a local diner, and the third dropped them off and picked them up from work in a green pick-up.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   JohnO

    And so my thoughts about the current budget issues are perfectly articulated.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 1:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   Janellionaire

    “Also, if you steal my food out of the office fridge, the terrorists will win. And, if you leave the microwave a mess, God kills a bunny.”

    Apr 13, 2011 at 2:00 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Clumber

      What happens if you leave time on the microwave display though? Good things?

      Apr 13, 2011 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #14   Amy's Cooking Adventures

    Haha! Awesome! I want to meet this guy!

    Apr 13, 2011 at 8:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   Jimmy James

    I feel like this note indicates where the crime-fighting duo / roommate relationship first started to fall apart for Nite Owl and Rorschach.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 8:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Canthz_B bang

      Makes me think of songs by The Ink Spots…”"Stop Pretending”, “You’re Breaking My Heart All Over Again”.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #16   Kara bang

    At my work someone made the grave mistake of putting a mini whiteboard next to the dishwasher, with the intent of writing down if it is running or not (because once opened, very few employees appear capable of restarting). Instead, the whiteboard acts as a running thread for employees to harass each other about who’s the biggest schmuck-face when it comes to dirty dishes.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 9:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Clumber

      …and the photos you have regularly submitted with love would appear where then?? We demand photos.

      Apr 13, 2011 at 9:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #17   Persephone

    Alas, had the author of this note resisted the temptation to bold “alone”, “crumbled” and “self-centered”, it might have been pretty funny, lyrical even. However, the emphasized words degrade this to an attack. (I learned that from The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense by linguist Suzette Hagen Elgin — great series of books.)

    Apr 13, 2011 at 9:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   park rose

      I think it’s funny and lyrical. Brings to mind The sidewalks in the street, the concrete and the clay beneath my feet begins to crumble, but love will never die. That song puts me in a good mood, so go degrading*++ grandpa!

      *Just as a side note, maybe he really is. You know, I’m sure he’s using ecologically sound dishwashing liquid, and a lot of it, as he’s the only one around the place who does the damn dishes!

      ++That’s an adjective, not an instruction.

      Apr 14, 2011 at 8:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Adriana

    I lived in San Francisco. Most people there are actually like this. One guy berated me for accidentally dropping a sock that wasn’t mine on the floor at a laundromat (I didn’t even see it fall down because I tossed it onto a nearby table when I saw it in my dryer), except he didn’t even yell. He pulled me aside, got close to my face, whispered in my ear, and lectured me for about three minutes on how I’m a bad person for not picking up after myself.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 11:15 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   Quite Contrary

    Is this note directed at those who (live alone and) have dirty dishes in their sink at home? Hypothetically, of course.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 11:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #20   Divvitar

    Well, Gramps, the lack of clean dishes is reflective of the paradigm shift in America that places individual freedom above the “good of us all,” as you put it. Do you think Nike had chores in mind when they told us to “just do it?”

    Apr 13, 2011 at 11:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      ♫ Where have all the Commies gone?
      Gone to lunchrooms everywhere.
      When will they ever learn?
      When will they ever learn? ♫

      Apr 13, 2011 at 8:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #21   Flip-Flappin'

    Hrmm…one bad day for me in the future vs. all those times I don’t have to clean up my gunky mess? I’ll take future bad day for a thousand, Gramps.

    Apr 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Managed Hosting

    This could also be a sign for the “Only Child” syndrome. The bold lettering adds a nice touch. How do you not clean up in an office? Think of the fruit flies!

    Apr 13, 2011 at 1:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   TippingCows

      You bring up a good point – WHO WILL THINK OF THE FRUIT FLIES?!?

      Apr 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #23   QBALL

    So let it be written, So let it be done

    Apr 13, 2011 at 3:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   it's naptime

      To kill the first-born pharoh’s son

      Apr 13, 2011 at 5:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   MMA Los Angeles

    Well, at least there aren’t an profanities really. So, it’s not really harassment. Hooray for political correctness!

    Apr 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   bored@work

    I am switching to paper plates, immediately. Biodegradable and won’t tick off the elderly. Having a Scooby-Doo moment… “I would have had clean dishes if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

    Apr 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #26   pony girl

    Am I the only one who read this with the Deep Thoughts voice?

    Apr 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #27   Canthz_B bang

    How much ya wanna bet there are no dirty dishes aboard a Borg cube?

    Apr 13, 2011 at 8:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up


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