“This is part of an exchange that took place between parents of kids involved in a summer theater program,” our submitter explains. “My 10-year-old daughter was also part of the summer production, and I shared the e-mails with her as a shining example of what the term ‘passive-aggressive’ means.”
(Just click on the images to enlarge, or mouse over to read the transcriptions.)
![I apologize if I am ruining the performance because my daughter, [redacted], will not be able to make the Saturday FROG performance time. All of the children have rehearsed together for six weeks, and it is going to throw the whole performance because she is going to be in her aunt's wedding instead (which, by the way, we found out about after signing up for camp). Apparantly [sic],](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3419/3963530292_75119e185c.jpg "I apologize if I am ruining the performance because my daughter, [redacted], will not be able to make the Saturday FROG performance time. All of the children have rehearsed together for six weeks, and it is going to throw the whole performance because she is going to be in her aunt's wedding instead (which, by the way, we found out about after signing up for camp). Apparantly [sic], \"Weddings are not acceptions [sic] in the theatre.\" Because she can't attend one performance she is not allowed in any of them, and this is going to throw your children off -- this is what I apologize for. Had I known the date of the wedding before signing [redacted] up for the camp, she would never have been enrolled. I hope all your children do wonderfully, as we will no longer be contributing to any part of [redacted] now or in the future.")
![From day one of camp I have heard nothing but bad reports regarding your daughters behavior. She is disrespectful to the staff and other camp participants. I don't believe the expectations of the camp are unreasonable as it is a group effort and children need to lean [sic] accountability and commitment regardless of age. I understand that a wedding is also important and I am not sure how I would handle the situation. I am certainly not defending any behaviors of the camp staff or how they might have handled your particular situation. The bigger impact on "the whole performance" has been her behavior and not the fact that she cannot attend on Saturday. I am disappointed that you would use the entire email list to air your laundry. This is something that should have been handled directly with [redacted] and your behavior is disrespectful to the kids, parents, and staff.](http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2437/3962754423_2e1b695d73.jpg "From day one of camp I have heard nothing but bad reports regarding your daughters behavior. She is disrespectful to the staff and other camp participants. I don't believe the expectations of the camp are unreasonable as it is a group effort and children need to lean [sic] accountability and commitment regardless of age. I understand that a wedding is also important and I am not sure how I would handle the situation. I am certainly not defending any behaviors of the camp staff or how they might have handled your particular situation. The bigger impact on "the whole performance" has been her behavior and not the fact that she cannot attend on Saturday. I am disappointed that you would use the entire email list to air your laundry. This is something that should have been handled directly with [redacted] and your behavior is disrespectful to the kids, parents, and staff.")
![Thank you for your response. I apologize that your misinterpreted my message and that it apparently offended you, but my email was a sincere apology to the parents. I know there are some children [redacted] has made friends with, and m email was a very brief explanation of why she would not be in camp/the performance so they could convey this to their children if questions arose. I felt it necessary that if parents wanted to prepare their children for the change they would encounter in camp/the performance they could do so. I know some children do not do well with change, and informing them that is coming is a huge benefit. Had I wanted to "air my laundry" in the email I would have written in detail what I think of how the situation was handled, my opinion on the people involved, etc... I in no way disrespected anyone in my explanation -- it as merely that. On another note, it is not good form to criticize a child's behavior as having an "impact on the whole performance" she will no longer be in. My daughter is a good child, and I find it sad that you feel otherwise. I find it alarming that I was never notified of such disrespectfulness. If there had been a problem with her behavior it should have been brought up with her father or I. In any case, I hope you enjoy the performance and your child does wonderfully.](http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2533/3963531026_87235db15e.jpg "Thank you for your response. I apologize that your misinterpreted my message and that it apparently offended you, but my email was a sincere apology to the parents. I know there are some children [redacted] has made friends with, and m email was a very brief explanation of why she would not be in camp/the performance so they could convey this to their children if questions arose. I felt it necessary that if parents wanted to prepare their children for the change they would encounter in camp/the performance they could do so. I know some children do not do well with change, and informing them that is coming is a huge benefit. Had I wanted to "air my laundry" in the email I would have written in detail what I think of how the situation was handled, my opinion on the people involved, etc... I in no way disrespected anyone in my explanation -- it as merely that. On another note, it is not good form to criticize a child's behavior as having an "impact on the whole performance" she will no longer be in. My daughter is a good child, and I find it sad that you feel otherwise. I find it alarming that I was never notified of such disrespectfulness. If there had been a problem with her behavior it should have been brought up with her father or I. In any case, I hope you enjoy the performance and your child does wonderfully.")
related: No money, no trophy
93 responses so far ↓
#1
shwo!
The passive aggressiveness must go on!
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:10 pm rating: 27
#2
RogueC
The is Textbook passive-aggression and AL is right to call SM out on it although accusations about SM’s daughter in public do not help her case.
That SM replies with further passive-aggression speaks to the fact that she must be well-practiced at it.
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm rating: 34
#3
Karate Los Angeles
It almost sounds like the middle e-mail was written by someone’s teenage daughter. I’ll give the initial writer of the e-mail some credit in that she turned her passive-aggressive frustration into humor and the nice sentence at the end as the ultimate revenge. How are kids supposed to learn from their parents with examples of behavior like this?
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:17 pm rating: 9
#4
aaa
“I was never notified” = “I ignored the notes sent home with my daughter because I cannot except that my crotchfruit is anything less than perfect and exceptional.”
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:23 pm rating: 137
#5
Anonymous
You left the organization (theatre) name in there…you could take that out…
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:25 pm rating: 2
#6
ella
You should really black out the name of the organization in the second email, shouldn’t you?
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:25 pm rating: 0
#7
mahna mahna
yeah, you should definitely black out the theatre’s name. this is already passing around youth theatre people on facebook like crazy
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:48 pm rating: 2
#8
J
I honestly didn’t find the the emails to be passive-aggressive at all, and her reasons for sending it seem reasonable.
Apr 20, 2011 at 7:27 pm rating: 55
#9
Nack
As a parent, it’s wonderful to deal with group things. PTAs, Teachers, Boy/Girl Scouts …all that fun… This is pretty common in any of those group activities, on all counts. And this is pretty gentle, really!
Mom’s first note is reacting to the cut as those groups teach you to, which I like to call “Nice and Slam”. Teachers do this all the time. They’re literally trained to say, “Your child is a doing well in my class, However, …[insert bad thing they did].” It is kind of easy to miss it if it’s framed in the right way and you’re not quite paying enough attention. So Mom’s just following their template in response to her disappointment in the issue. And she probably -was- trying to “inform” and “explain” for the other kids. That’s the sad part. Not that any of the kids should know anything about any of that. “Vicki is proud to be participating in her Aunt Suzan’s wedding, so while’s she’s sad she can’t help, she wishes you all good luck out there guys!” Would’ve been just as acceptable, without the drama.
It’s also disappointing that ONE missed performance due to another commitment would count a kid out from every other one. Especially for something with weight like a wedding/funeral, etc. Things that can often come up unplanned, but are very important to a family. The kid obviously doesn’t decide what they get to do in those situations, I hope the parent gets their kid to understand the wedding was way more important than the performance anyhow.
As to responder to Disappointed Mom, what the hell ever. You didn’t have the balls to tell her from “Day One” her kid was a snot, you’re using the internet to say so now, after? Yeah, I’m sure your opinion has value.
Apr 20, 2011 at 8:20 pm rating: 102
#10
Laura
The first email oozes with passive aggression, but it’s actually possible that the woman didn’t meant to be so PA and sincerely meant everything she said. It’s hard to tell how your words can be interpreted over the internet.
Apr 20, 2011 at 9:11 pm rating: 16
#11
Mrs.Beasley
I’m totally fine with the original message, written by a clearly furious mother who feels her child was wronged and is doing her best to control her anger while she presents her side of the story to her peers who will be affected.
But I also think that AL’s response to Mad Mom was inappropriate and nasty. Turning it into a personal attack on a kid for unspecified “bad reports” is very uncool. Extra points to Mad Mom for her restraint in defending herself in the third note.
But I do have to wonder about the timing of when Mad Mom notified the camp staff that her kid would have to miss one performance. She says the kid signed up for camp prior to being chosen for the wedding, but she also says the kids have been rehearsing together for 6 weeks.
So unless the aunt’s wedding is literally a spur-of-the-moment affair, it does seem like there should have been adequate time between when the wedding invitation was extended, and throughout a month and a half of rehearsing, to make arrangements with the camp for an understudy for one performance.
If Mad Mom waited until the last minute to tell the camp staff, I could better understand their rather severe stand of banning the kid from all performances.
Apr 20, 2011 at 10:00 pm rating: 30
#12
Jen
“brought up to her father or I”
HOW COULD ANYONE THINK THIS WAS CORRECT?
Apr 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm rating: 41
#13
Nikki
I found nothing wrong with the first email, and the second woman (who probably submitted it here) is in the wrong for calling the first woman’s little girl a brat, especially in a group email. What a bitch.
Apr 20, 2011 at 10:54 pm rating: 39
#14
Harmy G
I personally don’t think any of the notes pass muster.
Apr 20, 2011 at 11:04 pm rating: 13
#15
Nunavut Guy
Wonder if they fight over soccer in the summer?
Apr 21, 2011 at 12:03 am rating: 5
#16
Bcteagirl
Really? You seriously can’t read the seething sarcasm in the first note. ‘Apparently..’ I don’t think any of the kids will be thrown off because princess is not there to supervise. Frankly it sounds like they will be relieved. And it is fairly obvious that mom #1 is trying to drum up sympathy in a note thinly disguised as an apology. I
She tried to disguise the note better, but grew tired of the project….
Apr 21, 2011 at 12:06 am rating: 27
#17
Janellionaire
Ah, the old “I’m sorry you misunderstood me, but I’m not really apologizing” bait and switch. Even if I thought this lady was in the right, I would still be Team Anyone But Her because of her over-the-top PA-ness and her horrible, horrible grammar. I’m not Team Other Heinous Bitch either though. I think I will be Team Funnel Cakes today, in honor of the fair that is happening in my town. Hooray for funnel cakes! Sometimes aggressive, but never passive!
Apr 21, 2011 at 12:37 am rating: 49
#18
Ramantastic
The first email alone isn’t all that bad in my opinion. I’d be pretty upset if my kid was banned from all performances because they have to miss one for a justifiable reason; I mean, what if she just had a little bit part? I would be even more pissed if this is one of those companies that you have to pay to have your kid participate in (the name had been blacked out before I read it). However, I’d be sending my snarky email to someone in the company, not all the parents.
Mom #2 is just plain rude. It’s just really tacky to start calling a kid a nuisance in a group email. If there was any truth to that at least email the other parents separately, or – and this is a crazy thought – leave that to the STAFF who are probably the only ones qualified to make observations about said kids behavior through the day.
Apr 21, 2011 at 2:38 am rating: 17
#19
GeekRyuu
Honestly, I think they’re both coming off as prize jerks.
SM is implying that her little precious is apparently so wonderful and integral that to not have her there will throw the entire production into chaos because we’ve apparently never heard of the concept of understudies.
On the other hand, AL seriously didn’t need to publically rant about how this child is the Spawn of Satan and will cause the death of American Theatre as We Know It.
Not really the best way to get people on your side there, hon.
Personally, I’m just hoping to god that neither of thier children takes after them.
Apr 21, 2011 at 4:08 am rating: 13
#20
mugabo
Who is this aunt that announces marriage a few weeks in advance? Please send me her number; she seems easy and I don’t care if she is on her seventh wedding (I only need her for the weekend).
Psst, letter-writer, your sister is a total slutbag whore.
Apr 21, 2011 at 4:54 am rating: 15
#21
Jimbo
Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!
Apr 21, 2011 at 4:57 am rating: 50
#22
Jenn
Sounds to me like the wedding wasn’t a HUGE deal, but once she told the counselors that her daughter was going to miss, they were all “I don’t think so.” After that, she got offended and had to draw blood.
Who knows? Maybe her daughter is being a brat because she doesn’t even want to be in the theatre.
Apr 21, 2011 at 5:28 am rating: 9
#23
Pairodimes
“SM is implying that her little precious is apparently so wonderful and integral that to not have her there will throw the entire production into chaos because we’ve apparently never heard of the concept of understudies.”
I think you’re reading the first one wrong. I don’t think she’s implying that her little precious is so wonderful and integral that to not have her there will throw the entire production into chaos. In fact, I think she’s mad because the production company has suggested that very same thing and she disagrees, so she’s being a bit sarcastic there with the overly dramatic apologizing.
I think first note mom, while being quite PA, is mad because these are kids at camp and not professional actors, yet if her daughter misses one performance, she’s been told it will result in so much chaos that the director would prefer to just remove the kid from all performances instead. That does sound ridiculous and it would make me pretty mad as well.
Apr 21, 2011 at 6:41 am rating: 11
#24
Jenny
I find it hilarious (and sad) that when people get on their high horses, they try to use proper grammar…..and fail horribly. Trying to look smart brings out the dumb. Both writers seem snooty.
Apr 21, 2011 at 7:01 am rating: 10
#25
MD
There are many times in our lives when we get smacked in the face with something that seems so unreasonable, so unfair, so WTAF, that–if we can manage a response–it is forced icy politeness. And that usually come off as PA, and even worse, keeps the horror rolling.
Mom, after who knows how much sobbing, is trying to say what her daughter certainly said, ie. ‘This isn’t fair.’
A good parent, mentor, etc. will teach kids compassion, sharing, cooperation, fairness, honesty, responsibility, and all that ‘try to be a good person’ stuff.
But, of course, nearly simultaneously, they learn the world doesn’t work like that. Life isn’t fair.
I’m so Team Daughter here. No kid WANTS to be at a wedding. Hell, most of the adults don’t either. But, she surely wasn’t given a choice, and she’s stuck by family responsibility.
And when she’s hurting for missing one show, they take them all away, to punish her for being irresponsible.
FFS, she probably is looking for a brick wall to smash her head into, because the adults are being so stupid and mean. THEY aren’t following the rules they expect her to.
Oh, and bitch-mom who decides to slam out the diva card? You so know that is a bitter lie, and a low disgusting one. Regardless, you don’t call out kids like that. Period. Not even if you were auditioning for Head Bitch on Dynasty.
So what did Dear Daughter get out of this? Doing the right thing will get you punished. And humiliated. More, because of the number that declares your age, you’re not even allowed to say ‘This is wrong.’
TL;DR It’s the adults that deserve public shaming. Get on that, internet. If you really focus, you can have bitch-mom and the theatre company issuing public grovelling–I mean insincere apologies–by lunch.
Apr 21, 2011 at 7:42 am rating: 34
#26
Alex
I’m so confused by the people commenting who don’t realize how PA the first email is.
There was NO REASON for that email to be sent. She’s whining and manipulating and airing her grievances against the theater company via a sarcastic bitch fest to the ENTIRE email list. And then her “apology” is complete BS, trying to paint herself as super polite and super above criticism, when if you look a little closer, she’s just being condescending and fake.
Honestly, these kind of people make life shitty for a LOT of folks, and it’s actually worrisome that her tactics aren’t clear to EVERYONE here. : /
Apr 21, 2011 at 9:54 am rating: 32
#27
chesire cat
Wanted to add that I do agree however that if the rules stated that you MUST attend all performances from the get go, then I have no sympathy for them. I would feel sorry for the daughter if she would rather do the play but her mom is making her do the wedding and that her aunt can’t handle planning things ahead. No sympathy for the mom though. If the rule about not missing performances was not made known though from the get go, then I side with the mom.
I do hate people who don’t show up for performances. No doubt. I was a dancer and had issues with people missing performances and practices when I never missed. I wish they would have been held accountable. They never were and it pissed me off since I ALWAYS showed.
Apr 21, 2011 at 1:20 pm rating: 5
#28
oi
Pretty good compittion must say. I award both moms PAbitchqueen award. The first mom gets more points in being PA part but second mom makes up for it in being a bitch department. So yeah tie.
Apr 21, 2011 at 1:39 pm rating: 5
#29
GhostWriter
Mother SM is an amateur. The way you do it is to keep your damn mouth shut about the wedding until the very day of the wedding, when your daughter blows off her FROG show. You send out your note filled with fake comcern for future performances afterwards.
Apr 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm rating: 7
#30
Marianne
Besides that mom’s atrocious spelling, I don’t think she was in the wrong. She simply just wanted to apologize to other parents if taking her daughter out effects the whole play.
Apr 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm rating: 1
#31
easily distracted
Unless the wedding’s in town it seems unlikely they’re doing without their Frog for just one performance. The wedding party usually attends a rehearsal dinner the night before, then the wedding. If they’re out of town I doubt the parents are going to jump out of bed at the crack of dawn to get home in time for the curtains to go up. That’s two or three performances. And how many total shows are they giving? A group of 10-year-olds probably isn’t giving six shows a week for a month.
AL shouldn’t have sent the email to everyone, either so I’m on Team Nobody.
Apr 21, 2011 at 4:49 pm rating: 5
#32
DensityDuck
@#30 GhostWriter: Bingo. Like the man said, it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Apr 21, 2011 at 4:49 pm rating: 1
#33
Ang
Pretty obvious that the original writer, the self-entitled PA mom got her friends to come on here and swamp this. I am completely with the second mom. I doubt the camp would kick her out unless she was another self entitled kid following her mom’s examples. Kudos to mom 2.
Apr 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm rating: 14
#34
Tatterdemalion
I have an unusual perspective on this one: I have a mild autism spectrum disorder, and when I was a kid, I was *exactly* the kind of kid who would get kicked out of some social activity by parents who didn’t like my poor social skills (and they usually made some excuse very much along the lines of “well, if she can’t (x) she can’t come along on the trip!” since it wasn’t considered appropriate to say “your daughter is as socially pleasant as a talking dictionary”) and my mother would write *exactly* this kind of snotty note about it. Usually, granted, in defense; we got some pretty ridiculous notes home and my mother got accused of all kinds of ridiculous things.
My mother’s righteous crusade against people who bullied me and sought to exclude me did not do anything for my social skills. Then again, neither did the people who bullied me and sought to exclude me. Mainly, my social skills improved somewhat when I reached adulthood and acquiring a sex drive, and I don’t think anything could have done it before that.
For all that my mother’s actions probably made her a giant pain in the tuchis for everyone else, her fierce defenses did mean that I grew up with far greater self-esteem than many people I know who had similar childhood social difficulties. Even when the reality of my social standing came crashing down on me, I didn’t contemplate suicide and I didn’t give up until things got better.
My mom is still out there being a giant pain in the tuchis to anyone who gets in her way whatsoever, and it’s often overboard from my point of view. But it protected eight-year-old me from the alternatives, so I can’t help but be sympathetic.
“I apologize that you misinterpreted my message” is effing classic, though.
Apr 21, 2011 at 8:48 pm rating: 23
#35
Nik
as someone who helps out with the younger childrens’ production of the theater company I preform at, I am actually on 2nd emailers side. Usually in the production for the teen age group, leads are doubled if a person is casted as a main character, no other exceptions. Thats probably where mother 1 is getting the idea that her child shouldn’t be kicked out. This mother probably already had the delusion that her daughter should be a lead (even if she hasn’t been casted as such) so this allowance should be made for her child and no one else’s in the kids preformance. These kids grow up to be the bitchy people who no one likes in the teen productions, so i kinda think mom 2 was justified.
team funnel cakes!!
Apr 21, 2011 at 9:03 pm rating: 8
#36
Dorothy
If mom was smart she’d have just called the day of the performance and said, “JaneySue just barfed all over creation. Do you still think she should come to the performance? No? OK, well she’ll be well for the next one, probably just that left-over sushi.” Problem solved.
Apr 22, 2011 at 1:39 pm rating: 12
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