To the person who sawed me in half last night

April 26th, 2011 · 40 comments

Writes Kris from Texas: “As much as I despise the writing-a-note-from-the-POV-of-an-inanimate-object technique so familiar from my years in college, I have to feel this bike owner’s pain. I also really love the blood-gushing-from-the bike drawing.”

Dear, the person who sawed me in half last night, that was an extremely rude, selfish & wasteful thing to do. Not to mention nonsensical! I had big plans today, but they are impossible to persue [sic] while I am cut in two! In the future, please treat the world the way you would like to be treated! In pain, Bicycle

related: With a chainsaw?

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · bicycle · San Francisco · visual aids


40 responses so far ↓

  • #1   lagne

    Sweet, comic bicycle.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Gladystopia

      Comic Sans bicycle?

      Apr 26, 2011 at 9:07 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Tim

    DEAR,
    The bicycle I sawed in half last night,
    I cut you in half for the precise reason: to teach your owner that the world is a cruel and random place, and that bad things happen to you no matter how nicely you write notes.

    Vindicated,
    The person who sawed you in half last night

    Apr 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   John Macklem

    Wouldn’t it be smarter to cut the pole instead of the bike frame ? DUH !

    Apr 26, 2011 at 8:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Nunavut Guy

      That pole looks pretty thick.Besides I can,I mean you can, always weld the frame back together.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 6:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Ndawg

      Poles leave better notes, too.

      (They sound like Chopin. Hee Hee.)

      Apr 27, 2011 at 3:31 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Canthz_B bang

      I think sawing Poles in half was declared a war crime after WWII.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 12:32 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   El Jefe

    I’m assuming this happened in Austin. Austin is full of whiney douchebags…I hope they all suffer.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 8:55 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   El Jefe

      Bad karma will surely flow your way, impostor.

      But as a troll is should be pretty successful, bravo!

      Apr 27, 2011 at 1:28 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   beanster

      i challenge you to a duel of el jefes.

      terms: out-grammar and out-douche the other to prove your identity truly belongs to you.

      GO!

      Apr 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   pony girl

      Actually, Austin is only full of whiny douche bags when the legislature is in session.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Bockanalia

    Sad day. Sad, sad, wasteful day. He should have drawn a blood-gushing stick figure showing retaliatory measures…

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   TickleMyBambo

    Now if the bike was locked up on a bike rack then it would make sense that the culprit would try to cut the chain off. The nonsensical part: The guy not only got a little too carried away with the sawing and ended up cutting the bike in half, but he somehow managed to make an inanimate object gush blood. How hell does that happen?

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   ellipsis

      That’s how you catch the thief red-handed, duh.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 1:38 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   TickleMyBambo

      Like how, exactly?

      A video camera?
      Motion detector?
      Pain detector?
      Fake blood inserted in frame?
      Or maybe the guy cut himself and left blood everywhere…

      Apr 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Izzy4Realz

    So you can get blood from a bicycle, but can you get blood from a stone?

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:32 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   dissipatedfog

      No, only from turnips.

      Apr 26, 2011 at 11:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   JetJackson

    The hipster should use their skinny jeans as a compression bandage to stem the blood flow until they can get the fixie back to the shop.

    FIRST AID SAVES FIXIES! Don’t forget it!

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Mrs.Beasley bang

    This graphic is really graphic.

    I think I’d rather have somebody just outright steal my bike than to sever its spine and then just leave it there to… er… bleed.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:48 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   shwo! bang

    When magicians go bad.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   bowloftoast bang

    Maybe the bike just committed suicide…all those asses.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 10:05 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   TickleMyBambo

      Or maybe all those asses were the reason why the bike broke in half..

      Apr 26, 2011 at 10:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Bcteagirl

    Cut off one too many drivers while behaving like both a vehicle and a pedestrian perhaps. Just saying.

    Apr 26, 2011 at 10:13 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Elf

      Or parked illegally.

      I’m also not going to rule out that the bicycle tipped improperly and was known for feeding feral cats.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 7:49 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Flip-flappin'

      ….or breast-feeding in public–or worse; not breast-feeding at all!

      Apr 27, 2011 at 1:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   The Elf

    You killed the bicycle! You bastard!

    Apr 27, 2011 at 7:48 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   JM

    I debated doing this to a guy who’s owed me $60 for a chainring for 2 years…

    And as for Austin… if the article didn’t start “…writes from Texas…” I’d put my money in for Richmond, the butt-hurt capital of the East Coast.

    Apr 27, 2011 at 8:14 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Nunavut Guy

      I thought that was San Francisco.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 12:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Jordie

      What? Ah, San Francisco’s on the WEST coast… just sayin’.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 1:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Nunavut Guy

      You’re right.It’s just that I don’t know any gay stigmatized cities on the East coast……..I have failed as a bigot.It’s a good thing I’m strong in my racial slurs.

      Signed Studying for clan membership.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   bizzle

      Maybe it was Richmond… Texas.

      Apr 30, 2011 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   berge bang

    As most passive-aggressive notes go, writing a note from the perspective of the bike, along with the plight of ruined plans surely has absolutely no impact on someone who saws bikes in half for no reason.

    Apr 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   TickleMyBambo

      Maybe the culprit didn’t want the bike the follow through with it’s plans of thwarting the culprits goals of sawing up every bike in the area. Unfortunately for the bike, late that night the culprit ambushed it in the middle of the night and hacked it in half before it could do anything. This act has officially ended the bikes crime fighting crusade against the crazed Bike Hacker.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Car Title Loans

    If I were a bike, I would feel the exact same pain. I’ve heard of stealing tires and chains, but never sawing a bike in half. Maybe it was for a magic trick?

    Apr 27, 2011 at 1:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   ligercorn

    I want to ride my bisect-cle, I want to ride my bike.

    Apr 27, 2011 at 2:26 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   harmonicpies

      I want to ride it where I like.

      Apr 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Muay Thai Los Angeles

    Gosh, I would hate to see what a person would do to a Razor scooter. I don’t think it’s a fair fight when inanimate objects can only talk, not fight back!

    Apr 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Kara bang

    I understand stealing bikes and walking around with saws, but I lose this guy when he starts sawing other people’s bikes in half. What kind of wank does that?!

    Apr 27, 2011 at 10:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   2@

    that saddle tasted fucking delicious!

    Apr 28, 2011 at 6:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    This is surely the work of The Unicyclist.

    That SOB did a real number on my kid’s tricycle some years ago.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 12:35 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     

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