Claustrophobic? You might want to avoid these elevators.

April 28th, 2011 · 75 comments

Moira and some friends recently rented a flat in Rome for a few days — lucky her, right? The only hitch to the plan was the fact their apartment was located on the very top floor, and while Rome might be the “The Eternal City,” spending eternity in a European-style elevator car wasn’t exactly the experience they were seeking.

!!WARNING!! Before opening the doors wait until the elevator stops at the floor completely. If no you remain stuck in it FOREVER!

Meanwhile, if you thought you weren’t afraid of elevators, a visit to the Hampton Inn in Burbank, California might change your mind. This placard inside the elevator (as documented by Kristen from Ohio), has got to be the least-reassuring attempt at preventing alarm I’ve ever seen. The fact that it manages to accomplish the exact opposite of its implied purpose makes me think the person behind it must be some kind of sadistic savant…and that he’s DEFINITELY watching you on the CCTV.

SHOULD THE ELEVATOR DOORS FAIL TO OPEN, DO NOT BECOME ALARMED. THERE IS LITTLE DANGER OF RUNNING OUT OF AIR OR OF THIS ELEVATOR DROPPING UNCONTROLLABLY.

Not the anxious type? Well, how do you feel about dog shit and zombies? So far Kareen in Winnipeg has escaped this particular elevator unharmed, but that doesn’t mean she’s not watching where she steps.

Depositing of fecal matter in said elevator-car is most definitely considered foul and repugnant. Please don't. P.S. Keep-thou wary and worked-up in case of mutant elevator-monkey-zombies. THANKS

related: Elevator nose grease

extra credit: “The Subway’s Elevator Operators, a Reassuring Amenity of Another Era” [nytimes.com]

extra extra credit: Time lapse video of a man stuck in an elevator for 41 hours [newyorker.com]

FILED UNDER: Burbank · elevator · Italy · p.s. · shit · warning · Winnipeg


75 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Quite Contrary

    Imagine if someone deposited fecal matter in the elevator in Rome. They would be stuck in it FOREVER!

    Apr 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Tiaras

      Gross!

      Apr 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Nunavut Guy

      Tiaras………appropriate name.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Tiaras

      Am I missing something?

      Apr 30, 2011 at 3:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   FeRD bang

      A country, perhaps?

      Apr 30, 2011 at 8:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Nunavut Guy

      Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

      May 1, 2011 at 11:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Tiaras

      Ok, half a week later but I think I got it, I must have been one of the few sane people out there who wasn’t on a royal wedding craze mood last week…

      May 2, 2011 at 8:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   No Smoking.... REALLY?

      BTW, Nunavut Guy:
      Snot belongs in a kleenex, not on the screen.

      Have a nice day! :-)

      May 3, 2011 at 9:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   aioefjweoif

    Being from NYC< I can attest, although it's usually urine in the elevators.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   FeRD bang

      I’ve lived in NYC from birth through most of my 36 years, and toured MANY of its seediest elevators. Yet, I don’t think I’ve even once encountered one that was used to “drop some friends off at the pool”.

      I’m sure it’s happened. But don’t make it sound like some sort of common occurrence that we’re all basically numb to, or whatever!! That’s just a… well… shitty stereotype! ;-P

      Apr 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Rachel

      When I was in NYC, I encountered the friendliest elevator note. It was in a hostel, and the note acknowledged how slow the elevator was, and then gave you a list of suggestions on how to spend your time while you were inside it (check your text messages, strike up a conversation with the person next to you, etc.). It was adorable!

      Apr 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Canthz_B bang

      I spoke to someone in a NYC elevator once. The arresting officer was really quite polite. :-P

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:43 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   *snerk*

      There’s almost never actual puddles, but MTA elevators usually smell of urine. Maybe it’s just trapped fumes from the hobos.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Nunavut Guy

      You mean those guys who never learned how to spell in high school?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   FeRD bang

    Hmm… Is that a bullet hole in the wall, in that first photo!?!? 8-O I guess that’s one way to escape eternity in a Roman elevator!

    Apr 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   TickleMyBambo

      I think the bullet hole is the result of a failed attempt at fighting off Mutant Elevator Monkey Zombies. This is why we should take our firearm training classes seriously. You can’t afford to be shooting at elevator walls when Monkey Zombies are munching on you.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   BurstingAtTheSeams

    Gotta give the zombie note writer major props – definitely is spelled correctly! Cheers!

    Apr 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Kara bang

    Wait…so “don’t become alarmed” but then in your unalarmed state “use the button marked alarm”?

    How ’bout we all save ourselves the trouble, work off yesterday’s Big Mac, and take the f’ing stairs.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Nahhh bang

    I love the little “no poop” illustration. I may have to print up a bunch of those (I will create my own to avoid copyright infringement) on sticky paper and post them in random places.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 11:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   TickleMyBambo

      I see “No poop” illustration T-shirts in the making. Along with the limited time offer Mutant Elevator Monkey Zombie T-shirts where you flip the back of your shirt over your head to show a Mutant Elevator Monkey Zombie face.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 3:04 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Nunavut Guy

      No shit?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   TickleMyBambo

      No shitting pun intended there?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Nunavut Guy

      I shit you not.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 10:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   TickleMyBambo

      You’ve got to be shitting me!

      Apr 29, 2011 at 11:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   pony girl

    I’m confused.

    What do mutant elevator-monkey-zombies have to do with poo left in the elevator?

    Do the poo piles morph into mutant elevator-monkey-zombies?

    Because if so, I think a road trip is in order.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 11:29 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Bcteagirl

      I think it is monkey zombie scat apparently. Don’t feed the zombie monkeys! Flee!

      Apr 28, 2011 at 11:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   TickleMyBambo

      At least don’t let them fling poop on you, the poop is what attracts the horde.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 2:16 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   butt

    I’ve seen the second notice before. Never really thought it was PA, though it did amuse me.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 11:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    That sounds like loads of fun. Find yourself stuck in a nice quiet elevator, then set off an alarm you cannot turn off for the duration of your stay.
    Oh, they’ll eventually get you out, but you’ll need to buy a couple of Miracle Ears.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 12:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Little known fact:

    The threat of mutant elevator-monkey-zombies from Winnipeg has the Department of Homeland Security quite worried.

    They’re placing rigged elevators at all border crossings to trap them. They are then tagged and shipped off to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban…turns out, Taliban fighters are really scared of mutant elevator-monkey-zombies…and kites.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 12:24 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   pony girl

      So, we should leave piles of poo in elevators, otherwise the terrorists have won?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 12:38 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      Only USDA Prime mutant elevator-monkey-zombie poo, PG.
      That’s the only kind FDA approved as counter-terrorism grade. Use of anything less would be a “waste”.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 9:19 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   eliz

      Could you repeat that again? Didn’t catch that the first couple of times…
      :)

      Apr 29, 2011 at 10:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, It didn’t post last night or show up this morning…I finally got my first multi-post!

      I’ll have it cleaned up in a jiffy.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 11:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Sarah

    Oh yuck. This one’s too close to home for me. Saturday mornings are particularly hazardous in the lift in my building – usually it’s wee (which I would like to assume is dog wee) – no one cleans it up, but someone comes and puts newspaper down so then we have a lift full of wee-soaked newspaper. If it’s not wee, it’s vomit, and on one occasion poo.

    I have resisted writing a passive-aggressive note so far. But I wouldn’t blame the Monday morning cleaner if he wrote one.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 1:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      Where do you live and why are you still there?!

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:51 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Nunavut Guy

      Uh Sarah,no one is throwing up or excreting in that elevator. That’s your newspaper.

      No one likes you.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   TickleMyBambo

    Yeah, I’ll save myself the trouble and just use the stairs instead. I also brought my shotgun with me in the event that the mutant elevator monkey zombies decide to ambush me when I least expect it.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 2:06 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   MD bang

    Clearly, we have finally found it:

    Dante’s Elevator

    Apr 29, 2011 at 3:17 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Jimmy James

      Does it only go down?

      (Yes, I know he visits purgatory and paradise as well, but Inferno is the only part of The Divinie Comedy anyone ever talks about.)

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   The Elf

    Why are the two elevator signs from Rome in English? Unless the elevator is in the Embassy of some English-Speaking country, I would really expect Roman PANs to be written in Italian. Maybe have an English translation for tourists, but definitely in Italian first.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 6:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   iruleuruniverse

      Maybe those living there are mostly American students/transplants or people from other English-speaking countries? How many sings do you see in the US in clear Spanish/French/Portugese/whatever other language?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:13 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Canthz_B bang

      I’d expect Roman PANs to be written in Latin.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:27 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   *snerk*

      CB, those would be the Vatican PANs. And boy, are they good at PA!

      Apr 29, 2011 at 8:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Canthz_B bang

      Pedophile Acceptance? 8-O

      Apr 29, 2011 at 9:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   *snerk*

      Patronizing Attitudes?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 9:34 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Canthz_B bang

      Ah, tired of Papal Admonishments?

      Apr 29, 2011 at 9:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   ashmeadow

      Stercus accidit or “Shit happens”

      Apr 29, 2011 at 10:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Nunavut Guy

      Panno Deus Amen.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   Canthz_B bang

      According to Google translate, Ashmeadow just had an orgasm!

      Apr 30, 2011 at 12:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   The Elf

      That *is* a fetish for some, CB. Let the man have his pleasure.

      May 2, 2011 at 7:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   The Elf

      Latin PAN… That would be “Romani Ite Domum”? Now write that on the elevator wall 100 times.

      May 2, 2011 at 7:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   No Smoking.... REALLY?

      Maybe ’cause it’s a tourist trap, heh-heh.

      May 3, 2011 at 9:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   No Smoking.... REALLY?

      BTW, *Snerk*, “Patronizing Attitudes” seems to be Nunavut Guy’s M.O.

      Have a nice day :-) …. and Thank You Terry!

      May 3, 2011 at 10:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Meta

    I am claustrophobic and very nervous about elevators. I will use one if it looks spanking new and is in a busy area where a stuck elevator would be noticed immediately. But I will avoid it at all costs. I won’t even use an elevator to travel one floor. In other words, why did I read this post? I mean, it was clearly marked and yet I clicked anyway…..

    Apr 29, 2011 at 7:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   No Smoking.... REALLY?

      Apparently, you have an unquenchable sense of adventure when it comes to PANotes….
      gotta love that! :-)

      May 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   MARY

    ON PEICE OF CRAP ELEVATOR PHONE:

    HELP! I’M STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH A PILE OF SHIT AND MUTANT MONKEY ZOMBIES AND THE AIR IS RUNNING OUT AND ITS DROPPING UNCONTROLLABLY.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 9:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   The Elf

      I hope the shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing process.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 9:50 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Nunavut Guy

      I before E except before C.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   TickleMyBambo

      KEEP SCREAMING! With your incredible super sonic scream ability the heads of those mutant elevator monkey zombies will surely explode from the highly agonizing sound waves it produces.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Canthz_B bang

      I before E except after C…except in a good neighborhood.

      Apr 30, 2011 at 12:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   No Smoking.... REALLY?

      Well, Elf, if I was stuck in an elevator with a pile of shit and mutant monkey zombies, and the air was running out while the elevator was dropping uncontrollably…. hmmmm, I kinda think I’d be shouting, too. :-D

      Plus, I’d NEVER want to miss out on the opportunity to explode some mutant elevator monkey zombie-heads while I was at it!

      Thank you Bambo (AND Terry).

      May 3, 2011 at 10:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   BB

    That first one is not typical of a European elevator! We have normal ones with doors that open themselves. Just in case anyone wants to visit and now is terrified of the archaic elevators…

    Apr 29, 2011 at 9:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Depositing fecal matter in elevators is foul and repugnant.

    Only thing worse is those sickos who make withdrawals.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 9:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Nunavut Guy

      A nasty reply verbally,visually and in the olfactory.

      That comment really stunk.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, I smelt it even before I dealt it.

      May 4, 2011 at 10:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Sam

    I live in Winnipeg – would love to see me some Zombie Monkeys. The National Microbiology Laboratory is in the city, after all…

    Apr 29, 2011 at 10:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   eBaiting

    If you get stuck in an elevator FOREVER it’s your own fault for not bringing your portal gun.

    Apr 29, 2011 at 11:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Car Title Loans

    Forever-ever? Ever-ever? That sign from the elevator in Burbank should be in every elevator across the world. Talk about an international state of panic!

    Apr 29, 2011 at 12:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   clumber

      As long as you have your towel, Don’t Panic.

      Apr 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   FeRD bang

      That clumber’s a hoopy frood, man.

      Apr 30, 2011 at 8:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    Mutant Elevator Monkey Zombies must be the result of millions of boys not properly disposing of their Sea-Monkeys.

    You’ve gotta flush them…so the alligators in the sewer system eat them before they mature and mutate.

    Apr 30, 2011 at 1:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Dave

    My old apartment (in North Hollywood, adjacent to Burbank) had an elevator with almost the same sign as #2. In our building however the first line read “Should the elevator doors fail to open, remain inside” then continuing with the rest.

    Since the elevator had no (visible) hatch or other door, it was unclear to me what the alternative to remaining inside would have been.

    Apr 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   No Smoking.... REALLY?

    LOVE the big-ass “No Smoking” sign under the note in the 2nd pic. After that totally non-reassuring message, any smokers worth their salt would DEFINITELY need a smoke to calm those jangled nerves!

    Besides, smoking to calm one’s fears might just help save other elevator users from running across those foul, repugnant piles of fecal matter mentioned in note #3, heh-heh-heh….

    [Spell check courtesy of Bill The Gates.... as opposed to Bill The Cat, ACK! Many thanks to Bloom County for the “Bill” pop-culture reference and, of course, Thank You Terry :-D ]

    May 3, 2011 at 7:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Canthz_B bang

      So is your M.O. going to be thanking Terry ad nauseum (since you’ve mentioned the M.O. of another)?

      Sorry, just part of my M.O. ;-)

      May 9, 2011 at 2:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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