Writes our disgusted submitter: “All that time on the toilet to think, and this is what you came up with?”
______________
related: Does your roommate have note-writing diarrhea?
Dear coworkers: I’m sending this e-mail while sitting on the john! Just thought you’d want to know.
May 3rd, 2011 · 73 comments
FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · D.C. · illness · office · shit · that's disgusting · TMI
73 responses so far ↓
#1
berge
The only way to say it politely is to not say it at all.
May 3, 2011 at 4:21 pm rating: 90
#2
Laura
I feel sorry for the person in this situation. As awkward as it would be to receive this email some brownie points for honesty should be given.
May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm rating: 90
#3
Cognitive Dissenter
Short, to the point, and even a visual. Brilliant. I hear some people do their best thinking on the john.
May 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm rating: 90
#4
unsatisfied
people think it’s gross, but it’s really great on toast.
diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
people think it’s great when it’s sitting on their plate.
diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
May 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm rating: 90
#5
Humid Hockey
I misread this as “…be in when I’m off the can.”
May 3, 2011 at 5:08 pm rating: 90
#6
Lisa
I love this! Brief, no ambiguity, perfect!
May 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm rating: 90
#7
Lindsey
Congrats, “in late”! I’m never shaking your hand again. Ever.
That said, I believe the office appropriate manner to make everyone aware of your condition is “If you’re sliding into 3rd and you feel a juicy turd…” But my office might just be more formal than your’s.
May 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm rating: 90
#8
berge
Oh, now I get it! Actually reads: “Playing hooky, but if I mention diarrhea, no one will question it, or even make eye contact.”
May 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm rating: 90
#9
Atomic Tom
“Hey gang….servin up the Hershey Squirts! Be in in a bit…”
May 3, 2011 at 5:53 pm rating: 90
#10
An RN
How about just…intestinal virus.
May 3, 2011 at 6:01 pm rating: 90
#11
alex
I actually think this is pretty hilarious….the submitter seems a little uptight. : P
May 3, 2011 at 6:18 pm rating: 90
#12
Auto Title Loans
That’s one way to air out your dirty laundry! Something along the lines of “I’m having stomach issues” I’m sure would have sufficed.
May 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm rating: 90
#13
Campbell
I think this is funny too, but I think that depends on who sent it. I really would not want to get this from certain people, say the elderly coworker who has that old lady haircut and smells like a mixture of broccoli and Bengay.
May 3, 2011 at 7:01 pm rating: 90
#14
bug
when you need to write a pan, but you’re sitting on the can …
May 3, 2011 at 7:10 pm rating: 90
#15
pizza
How do you say it politely?
“Virus”
May 3, 2011 at 7:33 pm rating: 90
#16
TickleMyBambo
Diarrhea threat levels are now at RED, an ASSPLOSION is imminent. The man on the can is Jack Bauer, and this is his warning for everyone to evacuate the building.
May 3, 2011 at 7:38 pm rating: 90
#17
ligercorn
——————————————
Sent via my Crapberry wireless device. Please excuse any splashes or splatters.
May 3, 2011 at 7:59 pm rating: 90
#18
Amy's Cooking Adventures
Hahaha! That is awesome, it cracked me up!
May 3, 2011 at 8:09 pm rating: 90
#19
pony girl
Eeewwww.
I never get diarrhea.
I have been known to have an upset tummy every so often.
Really, didn’t everyone learn that particular euphemism?
May 3, 2011 at 8:40 pm rating: 90
#20
G
With my “allergic little dog” we call it “the squits.” All the squishy imagery without the clinical name.
May 3, 2011 at 9:36 pm rating: 90
#21
aaa
Diarrhea is always my excuse for getting out of doing anything. It’s so nasty that nobody every questions it. And it works. Every. Fucking. Time. Bravo, email writer. You truly are the master.
May 3, 2011 at 9:48 pm rating: 90
#22
bec
Obviously the diarrhea was accompanied by bouts of voracious vomiting, thus the reason for the email. “I am sorry I couldn’t use the phone to call in sick because I couldn’t talk through the continuous vomiting.” Oh please, if you are really sick at-least have the decency to use the phone to ring in sick.
May 3, 2011 at 9:58 pm rating: 90
#23
bec
I used to have a co-worker who always used the excuse her kids had diarrhea for her not turning up to work, she would use this excuse 2-3 times a month, one day a frustrated co-worker said “your kids have diarrhea so often maybe you should get your house decontaminated it must be a very unhygienic place to live” I don’t think she ever used the diarrhea excuse again, she moved on to sore back, migraine etc etc etc.
May 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm rating: 90
#24
Claire Standish
Can I use “I have cramps” or “women issues” 3 times in one month. Man bosses never question those!
May 4, 2011 at 12:24 am rating: 90
#25
Canthz_B
Next time I call in late I’ll just say I’m having a shitty morning and see if that flies. If not, I’ll offer further details and hope they can sniff out where I am…in Funkytown!
May 4, 2011 at 12:34 am rating: 90
#26
Anonymous
As for politely, I just go with saying “I’m ill,” sans details.
May 4, 2011 at 12:48 am rating: 90
#27
Me
No offense, but how is this passive-aggressive? It’s just funny!
May 4, 2011 at 6:16 am rating: 90
#28
Nunavut Guy
E-mail from the boss………..So eat a block of cheese and get your ass in here.
May 4, 2011 at 6:32 am rating: 90
#29
The Elf
Am I the only one impressed that he spelled “diarrhea” correctly? After all the wicked misspellings we’ve seen on this site, it is refreshing to see a word that is difficult to spell and yet is spelled correctly.
May 4, 2011 at 6:56 am rating: 90
#30
Kara
So what exactly do you say to this guy once he finally makes it in to the office? “Hey, heard you had a shitty morning. Glad things have…solidified for you.” Or do you just pretend that email never happened?
May 4, 2011 at 8:28 am rating: 90
#31
Chesire Cat
LOL I find this extremely hilarious! If I was his coworker this probably would have made my day for a good laugh!
Everyone knows the polite way to say it is “Stomach problems” but you know, I like this person’s style.
May 4, 2011 at 8:46 am rating: 90
#32
piper
i had an employer that wouldn’t accept the ambiguous “not feeling well; i’ll be in late”. it’s not that he was ever mistrustful, i was seldom late or absent, but he always had to ask “oh, what’s wrong?”
i would always follow up with the bluntly honest like this fellow and he’d always seem to regret asking… but he’d still ask again the next time it happened.
i’ve never had much of a verbal filter. i like to share.
May 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm rating: 90
#33
Nathan
The correct answer to this query is:
“An infinite series of small bathroom emergencies.”
That’s what I used to politely describe my situation to a recent group of confederates.
May 7, 2011 at 7:49 pm rating: 90
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