It’s a toilet, not your your asstray

May 24th, 2011 · 53 comments

I don’t really want to know what “cigarette ashes” is supposed to mean in this context…

TO THE GENTLEMAN WHO LEAVES 'CIGARETTE ASHES' ON THE TOILET SEAT - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE - IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TREAT YOUR CONDITION, AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF, RATHER THAN LEAVING IT TO OTHERS TO RISK CONTRACTING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT WHEN THEY HAVE TO CLEAN UP FOR YOUR DETRITUS.

…but hey, look what I found on the Internets!

related: Your “Brown Friends”

FILED UNDER: Berkeley · bold-underlined-caps · hygiene · office · toilet


53 responses so far ↓

  • #1   TickleMyBambo

    Yes cause there are desperate smokers out there that are to broke to buy new cigarettes who will resort to scooping up the wet ashes to put inside their makeshift cigarettes because they want to satisfy their cravings. Plus they put others at risk for second hand toilet bowl smoke every time the toilet is flushed.

    Assborol 100s anyone?

    May 24, 2011 at 10:10 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   merkin4

      Wish I’d taken a photo of the sign in a bathroom that read “Patrons will please refrain from tossing cigarettes into the bowl, as the crabs have learned to pole-vault.”

      May 25, 2011 at 2:22 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Twez

    Is “cigarette ashes” some sort of code for poo splatter? I’m very confused.

    May 24, 2011 at 10:14 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   TickleMyBambo

      Well when you eat something that doesn’t sit so well with your colon and you start spraying out fecal matter that is similar to cigarette ashes, and if this was really the case than I would say that it’s totally code for poop.

      May 24, 2011 at 10:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Mrs.Beasley bang

      I think if you’re pooping anything remotely resembling ashes, you’re eating way too much dehydrated food.

      May 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   pony girl

      Yeah, I’m thinking a visit to a doctor is in order. Especially if the ashes are still burning.

      May 24, 2011 at 10:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   TickleMyBambo

      You mean if the “asses” are still burning XD

      May 24, 2011 at 10:54 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Sensible Madness bang

      If it’s code for poo splatter, the note writer must smoke really shitty cigarettes.

      May 25, 2011 at 9:51 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   pony girl

    Just when I thought I had learned everything I ever wanted to know (and not know) about poo from this site, ‘cigarette ashes’ comes along.

    I’m going to imagine something very cute and whimsical like a dragon is chilling out in the toilet stall and leaving his ashes behind.
    That is the visual that I want in my head, thank you very much.

    May 24, 2011 at 10:24 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Lenny!

      Puff the Magic Dragon?

      May 24, 2011 at 11:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    I didn’t even know you could get colon cancer from cigarette ashes on toilet seats.
    I’ll have to reconsider hovering.

    May 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TickleMyBambo

      Or using a very thick toilet seat cover

      May 25, 2011 at 12:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   bookworm

      Yes, there’s much less chance of extra splatter by using a toilet seat cover than by hovering over the toilet and hoping you make it.

      May 25, 2011 at 8:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Canthz_B bang

      LOL, guys like me don’t splatter (unless there’s a degree of bowel distress), but you’re right, the ladies out there may need to hover closely.

      May 25, 2011 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   otisbright

    someone is obviously “smokin’ in the boys room”, it’s impossible to contract anything from ashes, all the badness has been burned away, whoever wrote this is a paranoid f^ck!

    May 24, 2011 at 10:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   J.

    It looks like the note is signed “Your Detritus.” I’ve heard of first person singular. Is this person writing in the first person fecal matter? “Sincerely, Your S**t.”

    May 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Perhaps this takes place in Ankh-Morpork, in which case that’s Sgt. Detritus thankyouverymuch. I guess he was also dictating, since he doesn’t strike me as the PAN type. In any case, I’d do what he says because you do not want to be on the wrong side of a troll with the force of law.

      May 25, 2011 at 10:56 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Jordie

      Elf, I love you.

      May 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Impetua

      I love you too, Elf.

      May 26, 2011 at 9:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   The Elf

      Awwwww, have a sausage inna bun on me.

      May 26, 2011 at 10:54 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   juju_skittles

    For some reason I keep thinking of Johnny Cash…

    May 24, 2011 at 11:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Divvitar

      “I sat down on a burnin’ ring of fire,
      Someone had a smoke,
      now the flames are getting higher.
      My ass burns, burns, burns!
      That ring of fire, that ring of fire.”

      May 24, 2011 at 11:06 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   TickleMyBambo

      For some odd reason I keep thinking of Elivs…

      You look like a toilet,
      You flush like a toilet,
      You sound like a toilet,
      But I got a ligget light..
      You’re an astray in disguise,
      Oh yes you are!
      Astray in disguise.

      You fooled me with your porcelain,
      You spread around the god knows what,
      What the fuck does a “Detritus” mean?
      You’re not a good astray.

      Okay that was terrible… Mash up next time, Divvitar?

      May 25, 2011 at 12:54 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   FeRD bang

      Ugh. Remind me to hurt you, TMB. :-(

      Also, one part I don’t get.
      Several times, you write “astray”. Which I assume is shorthand for “as tray”… Meaning, it should be sung in the style of Tray?

      But, which Tray/Trey?
      Trey Songz?
      • Phish’s Trey Anastasio?
      South Park creator Trey Parker?
      • …

      May 25, 2011 at 2:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   TickleMyBambo

      So writing a crappy parody with a painfully obvious word error automatically gives you reason to want to hurt me? I said it was terrible, what more do you want? To kick while I’m down for good measure?

      I honestly meant ASHTRAY but when you use an iPhone with a crappy autocorrect It would be appropriate to say that one askes for unfavorable responses for unintentional errors when you fail to double check what you type. This is certainly not the first time something like this happened and seriously my bad for making a mistake that could of easily been fixed If I were paying better attention . It’s safe for me to admit that I got a little carried astray ; ).

      May 25, 2011 at 9:01 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   FeRD bang

      So writing a crappy parody with a painfully obvious word error automatically gives you reason to want to hurt me?

      No, no… if you notice, I segued to the word error with an “Also…”. I was inspired to cause you bodily harm just from the general awfulness of the parody. :-)

      May 26, 2011 at 11:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   bobbydee

    I’m assuming it is some sort of psoriasis/dandruff related matter. I get it in my beard occasionally in winter, not such a stretch to think it can happen to other patches of hair.

    May 24, 2011 at 11:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   quat

      “Excuse me, sir, but the detritus from your butt-hair is fouling the seat.” You just ruined my morning, bobbydee.

      May 26, 2011 at 11:13 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   JetJackson

    What I don’t get is the assumption that this is a guy… If anything I would think this kind of take a dump and smoke at the same time multitasking requires two X chromosomes.

    May 24, 2011 at 11:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Serenity

      If I had to take a shot in the dark at that one, it’d be that the note was found in the men’s room, and I find it pretty unlikely that a lady would go into the men’s room to take a dump. If they did, well, that’s a whole other issue there :)

      May 25, 2011 at 3:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Lhyzz

      Also, as previously and repeatedly stated, this does not literally refer to actual cigarette ashes.

      May 25, 2011 at 6:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    That Ty-D-Bol Man!

    If it’s not sitting on his damned ashes, it’s sitting on his spent Nicorette.

    May 25, 2011 at 12:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   junkscience

    Cigarette ash is used as a kind of pipe screen when smoking crack.

    May 25, 2011 at 12:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   junkscience

      I should add: Someone’s smoking crack in the bathroom and getting ash everywhere as they’re in a hurry to use. In a city with a crack use problem, smoking in public bathrooms is pretty common. This makes sense to me, anyway.

      May 25, 2011 at 8:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   FeRD bang

    Hmmmm. Here’s what stands out for me, reading this.

    The third line is quite confident,

    YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE—

    But with that note’s level of “wink, wink” euphemism and indirect, obfuscated pussyfooting-around of … um… whatever-the-fuck issue is pointedly *not* being addressed here — It seems quite likely that the intended target actually does not have the slightest clue “who they are”!

    …Er, you know what I mean. Betcha whoever this is intended for came along, read it, failed to make the connection, and went right on with, uh, “business as usual”.

    May 25, 2011 at 2:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   FeRD bang

    P.S> …The tank portion of that toilet-bowl ashtray is a built-in cigarette lighter, isn’t it?

    Mmmmmm, classy!!

    May 25, 2011 at 2:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Daniel

    Rule #3: beware of bathrooms …

    May 25, 2011 at 3:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Grant

    Could it be ass dandruff? Well, you wouldn’t use Head & Shoulders to treat that.

    May 25, 2011 at 4:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   The Elf

      Please tell me there is not an ass dandruff product out there called Ass & Thighs. I really want to believe that.

      May 25, 2011 at 7:46 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   quat

      “Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes
      Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toe-o-oes
      Eyes and ears and ASS and nose,
      Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes”

      May 26, 2011 at 11:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Nina

    Haha wow, you learn something new everyday. Totally thought they meant legit cigarette ashes when I first read the note.

    May 25, 2011 at 10:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   N

    My theory is that the guy is older and has prostate trouble, so he dribbles on the seat when he goes.

    May 25, 2011 at 11:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Black Bellamy

    Please. It’s not actual ashes, no one “contracts” anything from ashes.

    It’s dead skin. The guy is shedding skin from his public region, either because of psoriasis or some other skin condition. If you take a pile of dandruff it can look like ashes, so that’s where that comes from.

    May 25, 2011 at 11:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   The Elf

      Um, that doesn’t really improve the visual. I think I’d almost be happier thinking it was poop.

      May 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   *snerk*

      The really scary part is that he’s making that region “public.” Eww.

      May 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Auto Title Loans

    I was unaware that you were able to smoke anywhere publicly and inside, let alone in a bathroom. They should at least be thankful it’s not in an airplane!

    Ava

    May 25, 2011 at 12:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   weqruhn

    Uh, the thought of anything resembling ashes being shed from a persons nether-regions has just made me throw up a little in my mouth.

    May 25, 2011 at 12:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   unsatisfied

    bad wipe you?

    May 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Restroom Trailers

    Totally thought they meant legit cigarette ashes when I first read the note.

    May 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   clumber

      I choose to continue to believe the note refers to literal cigarette ashes. Whatever makes me a happier, less disgusted person is the way to go.

      LA LA LA LALALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

      May 26, 2011 at 10:15 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   disgusteddetrius

    detritus is sluffed off particulates, so yeah, someone with some nasty skin condition in their nether regions is leaving breadcrumbs in the lou….

    yeah……I really wished I hadn’t looked us “detritus” I was much more at ease when it was poo… everyone poos, not everyone sheds an exoskeleton.

    May 25, 2011 at 7:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Joe Blow

    When I was in college, either my roommate or one of the suitemates we shared a restroom with used to leave skin flakes on the toilet after they had used it. That is exactly what they are talking about, and it’s pretty damn gross..

    May 26, 2011 at 5:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   TAC

    Ugh…my roommate is PRETTY overweight and has some hygiene issues. I’m not hating him for that but he still decides to leave what I have come to call “ass cheese” all over the toilet seat. My guess is that this is what the “cigarette ashes” are, like a few others have stated….

    Pure laziness…

    May 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed