*Take out a single slice of bread. Roll it tightly up like you would a burrito, than proceed to bring the bread straight down into the jam jar at an 90° angle. Pretending like you’re handling a delicate flower, carefully enter into the depths of the jar and lightly dip the bread in the jam until you lather the bread up with enough jam to satisfy your drooling palate. Than slowly sneak the bread out of the jar, being cautious as to not scrape both the inside walls and the outside rim of the jar. You don’t want to leave any white fluffy crumbs behind cause not only does that ruin the quality of the jam, but it’s just downright wasteful and sloppy. Now that the bread is out and no mess is left behind, take a victory bite out of your delicious jam covered piece of bread. You deserved it!

**Extra double dipping privileges will be rewarded if you remember to put the lid back on the jar and tie the bread bag up. Also by doing so, this will earn you tons of respect by Steven and everyone else. Remember, if you want free food to mooch from.. You must be in good graces with the owners of said mooched food.

*** (optional, but would be nice) Why don’t you show a little appreciation to Steven and every other person you’ve “borrowed” food from by perhaps buying a loaf of bread and jam and allow for everyone to take as they please. If you can’t ask before eating other peoples food, than at least give back what you’ve stolen every once in a while to show that you’re capable of giving as well as receiving.

The No-No’s to food stealing and handling.

– Carelessly thrusting the bread down into the jar and scooping it out at a 45° angle will result in a total jampoloypse! Sticky globs of chaos with fluffy white bits left over in the jar. To treat and violate another persons food like a slatternly clumsy one night stand is unacceptable and disgusting! You’re an asshat for doing that.

– If you’re having trouble keeping your late night snack heists mess free. You could either follow the suggestions above or politely ask that butter knives be provided. If not, than simply buy yourself a set at the dollar store. This will easily save yourself and everyone else the trouble of having to deal with the disgusting sight of stale moldy food ( Seriously, nobody wants to eat that shit!) that resulted from your negligence due to you not handling the food properly after use.

A little bit of common courtesy goes a long ways. Be a good, respectable, food thief and fucking deliciously good things like bread and jam will come your way .