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The Tooth Fairy meets Tiger Mother, with a dash of “Go the F**k to Sleep”

July 19th, 2011 · 29 comments

If you’re too jaded to handle the cuteness factor of kids’ overly-demanding notes to the Tooth Fairy, you still might get kick out of this tooth-in-cheek note from the Tooth Fairy herself.

Explains Mindi (a.k.a. Mindy) from Santa Cruz, California: “In elementary school, I played the string bass in the school orchestra, and my parents were paying for private tutoring lessons. Obviously, I wasn’t practicing enough!”

Mindy, You must practice your bass or I won't be back again. Signed The Tooth Fairy

Adds Mindi: “I later cut this out and put it in my scrapbook. (The ‘really?’ on the side was mine.)”

related: Not to be hard, but I need money.

extra credit: Go to F**ck to Sleep []

FILED UNDER: California · kids · Moms & Dads · not-so-veiled threats · Santa Cruz

29 responses so far ↓

  • #1   looney

    Thank you so much PAN goddess for posting “Go the F**k to Sleep”. I so wish I had had that while I was endlessly trying to get my kid to do just that.

    Jul 19, 2011 at 7:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   The Elf

      The version read by Samuel Jackson is particularly awesome.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 6:48 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      “Once upon a mother-fucking time, this little bitch called Goldilocks did a B&E over at the Bears’ crib…


      Jul 20, 2011 at 9:02 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #2   Dustin

    Looks like Gerald Scarfe to me…

    Jul 19, 2011 at 7:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #3   thrall

    The handwriting looks a wee bit tipsy to me…

    Jul 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Megster

      You gotta disguise it or they’ll know who wrote it.

      Jul 19, 2011 at 8:26 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   The Elf

      Yes, but I can’t blame the Tooth Fairy for hitting the bourbon. The dulcet tones of a small child ineptly playing the string bass were the only things keeping the demons away.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 6:49 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Kathleen

      I think the tooth fairy had a (drunken) accomplice write the actual note and just added her signature at the end. Or maybe she was just outsourcing.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 10:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #4   Kay

    This is why Mindy / Mindi has swapped out her Y for an I affectation. Even her fairies were controlling.

    Jul 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #5   sunshynegrll

    Everyone except Hannibal Lecter should be shit-scared to get a note from the Tooth Fairy.

    Jul 19, 2011 at 8:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #6   squid

    Her own parents couldn’t spell her name correctly?

    Jul 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   allybonky

      or she changed it at some point. it could be a nickname

      Jul 19, 2011 at 9:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Sensible Madness bang

      Mindy is her given name. Mindi is her stripper name.

      Jul 19, 2011 at 10:57 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   emcd

      Or at least an upright bass player at one of those arty/Dita von Teese burlesque house type places.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   havingfitz

    I want a follow-up. Did the toothfairy ever return to Mindy’s house?

    Jul 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    GOOD! Don’t ever come back! The last thing I need is a fairy in my bedroom redecorating and crap while I’m trying to catch some Zzzs.

    Jul 20, 2011 at 12:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   Nunavut Guy

    How come she gets bribery?I always got beatings.

    Jul 20, 2011 at 6:40 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but I’m sure you’re a fine musician today…even if you have PTSD at the mere thought of an instrument.

      Speaking of which, my brother took up the trombone before his arms were long enough to reach some of the notes.
      I have yet to see a sitcom as funny as his practice time!!

      Jul 20, 2011 at 8:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Jimmy James

      I think Pete Townshend’s parents tried the same strategy, and he just wound up beating up the guitar.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #10   Oh Geeeee bang

    Hold up, I’m confused. School string orchestra leads me to think she had to have been at least 9 or 10 because most school band/orchestras seem to start in like 4th grade, right? If that’s the case, how many teeth could she have possibly had left? Even if she was still losing teeth at a significant rate, what self respecting 4th grader either still believes in the tooth fairy, or cares enough about a mere $0.50 to actually practice an instrument more? I mean a quarter is exciting when you’re 6 and significantly less so when you’re 10.

    Jul 20, 2011 at 9:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   CdnGinger

      I teach jr high and I can tell you that some kids lose teeth well into grade 7. And some kids believe in the tooth fairy well into grade 5 or 6 (when their peers blow the whistle on the whole Tooth Fairy-Santa-Easter Bunny thing, if it hasn’t been done already). Besides, there’s always that nagging doubt: “I don’t think I REALLY believe in the Tooth Fairy, but what if she really DOES exist? I don’t want to piss her off by not believing in her…”

      Jul 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   The Elf

      I got braces in high school. The reason they waited so long is because they had to wait for all my adult teeth to come in. Some kids are just late!

      The more likely scenario is that her school had music programs starting at a much younger age. Though the idea of a 1st grader playing string bass is pretty funny.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Oh Geeeee bang

      Now imagine the 1st grader gettin that sucker on and off the bus. I know, I know, most likely had one for home and private lessons and one for the school – but still, the image is funny.

      Jul 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Nunavut Guy


      Perchance do your students ride the short bus to school?

      Jul 20, 2011 at 6:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Linda

    yeah that is what happens when you give the kid 10.oo for a frickin tooth. time to cut back to the good old days where a quarter would suffice and NO bribes were needed!

    Jul 20, 2011 at 9:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   juju_skittles

    It reminds me of Christopher Walken on The Simpsons reading “Goodnight Moon”! The drunken handwriting is probably the result of the parent writing with their other hand to try to disguise the hand writing. They appear to have given up further down the note, which is what you do because you just want to go to bed yourself and you’ve already stayed up late with an excited child who won’t go the f*ck to sleep!! Gosh, I guess I was holding that in a while…

    Jul 20, 2011 at 7:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Elf

      “Don’t make me tell you *again* about the scooching.”

      Jul 21, 2011 at 11:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #13   bailey

    that looks just like my dad’s handwriting….wait…is my dad the….

    well that explains a lot.

    Jul 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   Kelsey

    This isn’t a bad idea…

    Jul 29, 2011 at 6:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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