In case you’d forgotten that you are but a tiny, eminently replaceable cog in this vast machine…

August 18th, 2011 · 77 comments

Your corporate overlords would like to offer this friendly reminder of how much we value our employees!

Hi Everyone, Effective immediately, [redacted] no longer works for [redacted]. On a more positive note, [redacted] (a new Qualifier) starts on Monday! Just wanted to keep everyone in the loop. I hope your [sic] having a great day!! TGIF... :) Thank you

related: Recession incentive plan

FILED UNDER: all-staff e-mail · California · fired · now that's management · smiley · your/you're


77 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Hollene

    A boss who is not only caring but also illiterate.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   El Jefe

      Why are you assuming it’s a boss and not someone in HR, like Casey?

      Aug 19, 2011 at 12:01 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   kacky

      Ironically, the fired person probably would have spelled it correctly.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 11:25 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Lani

    Sounds like the place I work at…and that “your” doesn’t make it any better.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:20 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   This or That

      Neither does ending a sentence with “at.”

      Aug 19, 2011 at 3:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   anglophile

      Do we really want to live in a world where we are forced to say “sounds like the place at which I work”? The whole never-end-a-sentence-with-a-preposition is a pedantic rule with no real benefit.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Rattus

      Agreed. If one is writing formal documentation, grammatical rules should be followed, but in a more casual environment I really don’t see where sounding like an uptight douchebag is of any real value.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 5:39 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Kore

      I heard that Winston Churchill was once admonished for ending a sentence with a preposition. He replied in agreement, and stated that breaking the rules of grammar was “something up with which I shall not put.”

      Aug 19, 2011 at 9:10 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   kermit

      An office by definition is not a casual environment unless you’re running a family business (or a similar small fry operation).

      Second of all, announcing personnel changes IS considered “formal documentation”. I’m sure proper accounting is also a hassle because you can literally do a simple back of the envelope calculation of how much cash the business has, however the IRS and shareholders aren’t going to buy that.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 11:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   Rattus

      That’s all well and good, but my comment was in response to This and That’s castigation of Lani ending a sentence in a preposition. I don’t see why she can’t do so in an admittedly casual interwebs fun site.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 5:55 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   This or That

      My point was, don’t throw stones about your/you’re if you’re going to violate another grammar rule in your reprimand. I didn’t really intend to incite such passion! It was just a lighthearted comment because I thought the double standard was comical. “Castigation” seems a bit harsh!

      Aug 22, 2011 at 10:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   Rattus

      Sorry, didn’t intend to be harsh. Castigation is just a word I like to use, along with miscreant, widdershins and obstreperous, and you happened to get in the way of a perfect opportunity to use it. My apologies.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 11:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.9   Clumber

      Rattus, please I beseech you – use widdershins in a sentence?

      Aug 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.10   notolaf

      After recess, all students will run 5 laps widdershins around the building.

      (Thus demonstrating our cultural sensitivity to the Wiccans among our student population.)

      Aug 27, 2011 at 11:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Sam

    I wouldn’t work there either if I was still using Outlook Express 6 on Windows 98.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Lisa

    Whoever sent that e-mail was absent the day they did sensitivity training.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Quynh

    Oh the irony…

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   David cgc

    Reminds me of this Dilbert: http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2001-03-04/

    “Please don’t make my resignation announcement terse. If it’s terse, everyone will know I was fired for incompetence.”

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:35 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   nasoccermom

      I haven’t seen that dilbert but that is so true

      Aug 19, 2011 at 7:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   spoko

    I love that 90% of the people on this site can’t come up with anything more interesting to say than to point out a “your” where a “you’re” should have been, and that you feel superior for that. It’s mind-blowing, really.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:38 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Jolly

      Haha, seriously. Also the whole “YOU USED THE WRONG ‘YOUR’ WHICH MEANS YOU ARE ILLITERATE !!” thing. Yup, one spelling mistake sure does indicate a total inability to read !!

      (Plus the fact that people seem to be under the impression that being illiterate=being stupid, which is also totally absurd/borderline offensive on it’s own.)

      Internet comment sections: humanity at it’s best.

      Aug 18, 2011 at 8:44 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   pony girl

      Actually, 2 out of 6 comments would make it 33.33%, not 90%.

      Aug 18, 2011 at 9:05 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   BrookeDiz

      Jolly dear,

      it’s = it is
      its = possessive of it

      I guess you, too, are…

      illiterate!!

      Aug 18, 2011 at 9:54 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   FeRD bang

      Now, now, pg — no fair using that elitist, liberal “math” mumbo-jumbo to confuse the issue with facts! That jes ain’t the American Way®!

      Aug 18, 2011 at 11:00 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   El Jefe

      Sorry you’re not proud to know the difference, spoko, but this site is populated by people who are.

      P.S. If you think it’s just a spelling error turn back now! All hope is lost!

      Aug 18, 2011 at 11:56 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   Get on your bikes and ride bang

      @Jolly
      Just as a helpful hint, Passive Aggressive Notes is not the ideal place to be expecting “humanity at it’s best”.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 1:07 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   The Elf

      Spoko, if I were sending a company-wide email, I’d proofread it first.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 5:32 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   Rattus

      Spoko, if you live in an industrial nation, have had access to free education along, computers, and libraries and you are still illiterate, I’m sorry, but you are indeed stupid.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 9:25 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   Rattus

      Crap. Crappity crap crap – the lack of editing function at this site is the only thing wrong with it. My response was to Jolly, not Spoko – sorry Spoko. And there is an irrelevant “along” in my post – sorry to everyone who is annoyed by irrelevancies.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 10:47 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.10   sleeps

      Ha ha, spoko can’t do math, he’s illiterate!

      Aug 19, 2011 at 12:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.11   Clumber

      PG I love you. Thumbed with FERVOR!

      Aug 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Julie

    Other than the your/you’re error, I see no problem with this memo. It’s not appropriate for a boss to release details about why anyone leaves a company – Whether it’s by choice or not. And I appreciate being kept in the loop at work.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      My problem with the email is only that they bundled the two peices of information together.

      I also object to the “TGIF”. That’s right up there with “hump day” on my list of office pet peeves.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 5:35 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Mary

    I know this looks bad, but sometimes they really do have to announce that someone no longer works for a company

    Ex : I work for a financial instituation…I get calls on a daily basis from other employees, relationship managers, implementation managers, administrators, etc.etc.etc.etc. the list goes on….and of course we share sensitive and private financial regarding the clients because we have to work together to make everything work…
    so imagine someone quits or gets fired…30 minutes later he or she calls me and asks me to make all these changes to a corporate account…me, fully believing that they are still an employee, would do it without hesitation

    although the happy note in the ending makes it seem really insensitive =) lmao

    Aug 18, 2011 at 8:20 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   cuppy

    TGIF indeed. Except for the old qualifier of course.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 8:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Kim Robson

    Bad tact and bad grammar!

    Aug 18, 2011 at 9:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Mrs.Beasley bang

    Yeesh. Kinda brutal. I sure hope the new Qualifier qualifies better than the old Qualifier, who apparently quit qualifying.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   juju_skittles

    The positive, upbeat ending and TGIF reference makes me wonder if the person who was terminated won’t be badly missed. Maybe they’ll all be happy to see the back of them! No mention of where the send off party is…

    Aug 18, 2011 at 10:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Corianne

    I’m imagining that this email was the way the first person learned of his or her termination.

    I know that probably wasn’t the case, but it makes a better story.

    Aug 18, 2011 at 11:51 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Sean

      Corianne — I assure you, one of the first things that happens when someone is fired is that IT cuts them off the network (including email). The LAST thing you want is for a vengeful employee wrecking havoc on the network.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 8:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Clumber

      Assuming IT is notified in a timely manner and being in IT I can assure you that such cannot be assumed.

      Aug 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Tanaquil

    The notice that x no longer works for y isn’t bad by itself. However, maybe the new employee announcement and the upbeat “TGIF” note should have been in a separate email and formatted more professionally.

    And if you think this one was insensitive… at the bank I used to work for, they once sent out a notice that an employee was no longer employed there *while the employee in question was still cleaning out his office.* Talk about awkward.

    Aug 19, 2011 at 1:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Jessi

      A guy where I worked got fired by Walkie-Talkie. Everyone in the facility heard it in real time. Granted, he was a crap employee, and was fired about .2 seconds after kicking a dog (caught on camera the instant he did it) when we work at a pet boarding facility, but it was still kind of awkward.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 3:32 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   MD bang

      Unless the walkie-talkies were then used to immediately summon all staff to his location, just so they could take turns kicking him out of the building as hard as they could swing a leg–with steel toed boots provided for their safety, of course–I simply don’t accept this dismissal as anywhere near fair.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 7:59 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Jessi

      Oh, believe me, he got his comeuppance. The very least of which was a copy of the video sent to the local authorities.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 3:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Nunavut Guy

      Maybe the dog was askin’ for it.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 6:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    I don’t see the problem with this note. It delivers the bare facts of the matter in a completely dispassionate manner; which is what a business email should do. Blank 1 doesn’t work here anymore, Blank 2 starts on Monday. For all we know, Blank 1 might be an infamous jerk who everyone is happy to see leave.

    Spelling and grammar aside, Team Boss all the way.

    Aug 19, 2011 at 5:17 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Moxie

      I actually prefer this over coming to work one day and realizing a co- worker has seemingly vanished into thin air. It can be really frustrating when someone is let go and no one tells you what is going on.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 6:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   makfan

      @Moxie, the cube across from mine was empty one Monday morning when I arrived. I never heard a word about what happened (left for another job, layoff, etc). He didn’t work for my department, but it still felt weird.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Clumber

      At a previous job I wouldn’t find out someone wasn’t employed there any longer by the email error of “UserID Not found” when I sent him/her a request or a “where the hell is this project that was due 3 weeks ago?!” email. THAT sucked.

      I was tempted to create a distrib list of everyone I needed stuff from to do my job and having an email go out every other Monday or so just to see who wasn’t there anymore.

      Aug 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   emcd

    The whole “Qualifier” thing left me with a weird Logan’s Run taste in my mouth – like employee A turned 30 and he/she was off to the Carousel….

    Aug 19, 2011 at 9:12 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      A lot of corporations have their own special slang and terminology now. The fact that they capitalise the Q in qualifier suggests that this is a prescribed term that the corporate culture requires them to use to refer to new starters; the idea being to imply that by getting the job they have won some sort of special prize I assume.

      When I worked for MBNA many years ago it was insisted upon that we always spell ‘customers’ with a capital C.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 5:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Sean

      “Qualifier” is probably the job title for someone working in marketing whose job it is to do initial contacts and see if a potential sales opportunity is worth exploring.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 8:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   We shall speak anon

      I tried to get a job as a qualifier but could only land a misplaced modifier gig.

      Aug 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   divaandwriter bang

    Has anyone noticed that the boss (or HR person) waited until Friday to send out this email?

    This is probably a case of tell-them-on-Friday-so-if-anyone-gets-upset-they’ll-have-a-weekend-to-get-over-it.

    Aug 19, 2011 at 9:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      More a case of tell-them-Friday-because-then-they-won’t-get-upset-to-start-with-because-who-the-fuck-cares-about-anything-that-happens-at-work-on-Friday-when-it’s-2-for-1-on-tequila-slammers-at-Tequila-Joe’s-tonight.

      Seriously, do people really care about their co-workers enough to get upset when they leave. To me, my co-workers are just faceless objects moving in the background.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 5:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   The Elf

      I was thinking it was more tell-them-on-Friday-so-they-can-cool-down-instead-of-shooting-up-the-place.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 8:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Clumber

      Also gives the various network entities the weekend to update all their tables and permissions with the separated status.

      Aug 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   shwo! bang

    I hope you’re having a great day! Except maybe the person referenced in the first sentence, of course.

    Aug 19, 2011 at 10:36 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      For all we know their leaving could be a happy time for all concerned. They might be retiring to a life of luxury. They might have been head-hunted to a much more lucrative position elsewhere. They might be leaving to start their own business. Or to go back to college. There is no reason to assume that colleague leaving = sad time.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 5:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Corianne

      Except the phrase “Effective immediately”, it’s been my experience that if you’re quitting for whatever reason, you give 1-2 weeks notice. If you’re being fired or laid off, it’s effective immediately.

      Aug 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   evilbungle

      Not necessarily, when I was offered a new job I was escorted from the premises by my old boss. I hadn’t done anything wrong but as I was party to sensitive information they felt it would be better to pay me to sit at home for 4 weeks rather than work my notice. All in all I went from at my desk to boxed up and in the car in about 20 Mins.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   nerkypipples

      Where I work, you are not allowed to return to your desk after they fire you. They go thru your things, pack them up, then mail them to you.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Rattus

      So any time the boss/HR calls you to their office it’s provident to bring your coat, outdoor shoes and purse with you? Because I know there is no way in hell I’m leaving the office without at least those items.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 1:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   Clumber

      And don’t forget your car keys. About half the folks in our building neglected to grab such when we evacuated for an earthquake a couple years ago. The building was red-tagged and closed for 6 months. Those folks were UNhappy. Also it was payday and many folks still got paper checks.. which had been handed out about 45 minutes before the quake hit. Yep – UNhappy coworkers. So always grab your keys and opt for direct deposit, kids.

      Aug 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   redheadwglasses

    10 years ago or so, I remember reading about a company where there was a weekly vote as to which employee would be laid off/fired. Names were distributed on Monday, people had until Friday to vote for who should be let go. The owner insisted it was good for morale. There was heated debate: Get rid of John, who does his job well but is a dick? Or get rid of Dave, who is more of a slacker but easier to work with?

    Aug 19, 2011 at 12:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   GhostWriter bang

      That wasn’t a company, it was a reality show on an island.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Rattus

      I worked for a company whose VP was banging the incredibly stupid receptionist. Surprisingly, the company was going through a bit of a down cycle and the VP called me and the other office drone into his office and told us that because the receptionist didn’t make much money, Other Drone and I had to decide between ourselves who was getting laid off. It took me all of three seconds to say “me, I’m being laid off”. Not a chance I was letting Other Drone in on that sweet, sweet, UI action.

      I have to say that his banging the receptionist was something of an improvement over the hookers he used to bring into the office on the days he wasn’t bringing his kids in.

      Aug 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   SilentPsycho

      Actually, the weekly vote story is a BOfH article.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 5:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Nunavut Guy

      Maybe the receptionist was asking for it.

      Aug 20, 2011 at 6:42 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Kilroy

    What, no announcement that next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day?

    Aug 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Ryan

    Are they using Windows 98????

    Aug 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Old Uncle Toe bang

    Maybe I’m thinking too hard, but it would have been funnier if the first sentence had been closed with an exclamation point and the second one with a period.

    Aug 19, 2011 at 7:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   'Licia

    The worst thing about that email is the use of “TGIF” — right up there with “Happy Hump Day” and “Working Hard or Hardly Working?”

    Aug 20, 2011 at 5:01 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   The Elf

      I’d thumb ya, but I have a case of the Mondays.

      Aug 22, 2011 at 6:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   pony girl

    The author of this email is most assuredly not a subscriber to The Vocabula Review.

    Aug 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Sue ZQ

    That’s close to the same wording my former employer used “so-and-so is no longer working at xxxxxxxx,
    We wish him/her the best of luck in his/her future endeavors, But usually ,by the time HR put that out, everyone in the office already knew

    Aug 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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