Nobody does a “polite notice” quite like the Brits

September 20th, 2011 · 38 comments

“One of our local parks has a busy tea shop that’s popular with walkers, cyclists, families and people exercising their dogs,” says Clive in Brighton. “I don’t blame them for getting fed up with demanding dog owners, and I suppose a note is one way to communicate, but in rhyme? And, worse, rhyme this bad?”

We walk our dogs in Stanmer Park/We go to the cafe where they sit and bark/We put out water, sell doggy biscuits at the till/We provide a lead so they sit still/So when we are busy at the till and doggy water needs a fill, please give us a thought, please don't moan/Just collect your dog and take him home/Next time when doggy wants to roam bring some water and don't moan/we are here to do a job, and it's up to you to care for your dog

related: A polite notice to the owner of this marvelous vehicle

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · "polite notice" · dogs · don't blame us · martyr complex · pure poetry · restaurant · U.K.

38 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Leigh

    I’m much more offended by the poor quality of the rhyme than by anything else.

    Sep 20, 2011 at 9:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   CS

    This note just leaves me feeling confused.

    Sep 20, 2011 at 9:53 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   nicolas

      Yeah, this makes even less sense to me than rhyming slang.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 2:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   georgina

    I think that if you read this you will find,
    that attempted poem just boggles the mind.

    Sep 20, 2011 at 10:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Confused

    Bad dog drink you?

    Sep 20, 2011 at 10:17 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   ClearlyDemented

    …and that, folks, is why we don’t transcribe freestyle rap.

    Sep 20, 2011 at 10:41 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   JetJackson

    Dog in TUX… too CUTE, MUST… USE… TWICE!!! ARGH!

    Oh, hmmm, too much cute… what can I put in the middle to offset the cuteness…

    Ah huh! ZOMBIE EYED DOG!

    Sep 20, 2011 at 11:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Old Uncle Toe bang

    When we are busy at the till,
    We can’t be bothered to rhyme that well.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 12:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Buck

    Their meter and rhyme scheme sort of fell apart by the end.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 12:55 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Anruiishi

      The beginning had a meter/rhyme scheme?

      I missed that entirely.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 1:04 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   Grant

    I used to go to the university next door. One night, we witnessed a satanic ritual there. It’s also popular with doggers.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 3:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      Yes, that sounds like Brighton.

      To give context for non-Brits; Brighton is the San Francisco of England, in many ways.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 5:35 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   Graham

    But don’t you find that dog owners can’t understand why you aren’t so in love with their animal as they are?

    When this smelly, slobbering hound bounds up and sniffs your crotch leaving an unpleasant slime residue instead of apologising, the owner just says ‘he’s being friendly’.

    If I were come over and squeeze your breasts and tell you I’m just being friendly will you accept my explanation?

    (I don’t like dogs by the way – especially when I’m sat in a cafe and the thing is dribbling and slobbering next to me).

    Rant over, sorry.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 3:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   The Elf

      Yeah, I feel the same way about other people’s children. Especially the dribbling and slobbering part.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 7:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   kermit

      Dogs, unlike other humans or children, cannot always be controlled, especially when they’re young and their owner is still training them.

      If you have dog slobber on your crotch, chances are that it’s more your fault than the dog’s. You’re not petrified, and I assume that your arms aren’t broken. So you can either i) move away from the dog and/or ii) use your hand to move the dog’s face away from your crotch. Really, it’s not that hard. And I dpn’t even have a dog.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    Writing a passive aggressive note in verse form should be illegal.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 5:32 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Jimmy James

      It should stay legal, but require a permit. You have to prove your competency with a few basic limericks before you can be issued one.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 9:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      There once was a cafe in Brighton
      That folks and their dogs set their sights on.
      Then employees did post
      The thing they hate most
      Hoping folks take the hint here in Brighton.

      Sep 23, 2011 at 7:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   SilentPsycho

    I’m currently trying to figure out what sort of moaning would be so bad as to ‘inspire’ this? At the museum where I used to work, as we were situated in the middle of a park, we had a dog bowl out front that we kept filled. Even when we were busy, it didn’t take more than a minute to grab the bowl and take it to a nearby sink.

    In fact, the only ever comment we got on it was an apologetic mum bringing it in after her toddler knocked it over.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 5:59 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   kermit

      No offense, but a museum is not nearly as busy as a coffee shop. People expect to wait in line at a museum but want their machiatto/muffin/whatever prepared to their exacting expectations and right freaking now because they’re late for work or otherwise cranky.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 6:46 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   plainbeliedsneetch

      I’m guessing it’s not so much moaning as standing near the till and loudly announcing to no one in particular, “Looks like the free doggie dish is empty (hint, hint). You’d think SOMEONE would stop waiting on paying customers and FILL it. (Slight pause, martyred sigh) I guess they AREN’T going take care of it. WhatEVER are we supposed to do for poor Wuffy?”

      Sep 27, 2011 at 2:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   emcd

    They rhymed “moan” with “moan”. I guess “groan” was a stretch?

    Sep 21, 2011 at 7:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Jolie

    Just fill up the water bowl. Geez.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 7:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Elmo

    Doggerel is the preferred method for communicating with dog owners.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 8:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   canus

      oh, man. I missed out on firsting that pun because I had to get a second paragraph in. Bad time management me!

      Sep 21, 2011 at 8:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   canus

    I agree with the confusion above, and add another: is the “We” in this doggerel the people with the dogs or the people at the till? It seems to wander back and forth, but I’m not always sure which is which.

    But I like their strategy for dealing with unwanted guests. Time for doggie to go home? Withhold the water.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 8:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Cr8vly

    If they had the time to make this so-called poem, type it up, format it with pictures and print it out and post it… shouldn’t they have had the time to just fill up the dang water bowl then? Guess no one was at the till for like an hour or so while they fiddled with this nonsense.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 9:53 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   havingfitz

    I can sort of understand. I worked at a bakery that had self-serve coffee urns. We did our best to keep them filled and there was always fresh coffee available to pour into them, but sometimes when we were busy the urns would become empty. Now the polite thing to do would have been to bring this to our attention so we could take care of it. But the Cincinnati way of handling it is apparently to grab the urn and start beating it against the counter screaming “YOU’RE OUT OF COFFEE!!! OH MY GOD, YOU’RE OUT OF COFFEE!! HOW CAN YOU BE OUT OF COFFEE!?!” Not one particular customer: different customers. Every time it ran out. So I have pictures in my head now of irate Brits swooning over empty dog-water bowls.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 10:30 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   MD bang

      Clearly, this would be a solid case in which they were alreaady WAAAAAAAAY over the legal limit for caffiene.

      You would be ethically obligated, as a business and as a decent citizen, to cut them off and get them emergency medical attention.

      And if they object and spout and steam denial about their overdose and its poisoning symtoms, you get the police, who will promptly jolt them with as much current as they can Macgyver together.

      Hey! It would be exactly like a shock collar for dogs, except–of course–it would be deserved and in no way inhumane.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 2:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   kermit

      See, this is why the only coffee shops worth working in are the ones frequented by hipsters in their hippy neighbourhood. They’re far more mellow.

      Sep 21, 2011 at 6:50 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Mudd

    Quick translation:

    This is a tea shop, not a dog spa! If you want water for your dog, bring your own or go home! We don’t owe you anything, especially if you’re not a paying customer. Now, bugger off!

    =) I love Brits.

    Sep 21, 2011 at 4:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Katter

      What I find curious about this is that they emphasize that they do provide a doggie water bowl and sell dog biscuits at the counter – so they’re sort of encouraging dog owners to hang out there. Then when the bowl goes dry and they get complaints, they tell the dog owners to shove it and go home. I can understand being frustrated if the dog owners get obnoxious about it, but if they didn’t want the place full of dogs, they shouldn’t have provided services that would entice people to bring them.

      Sep 25, 2011 at 3:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Mudd

      I think they’re just being nice by leaving a bowl out. Doesn’t mean they are obligated in any way to re-fill it when they are busy. Especially as it’s implied in the note, the customer is not buying anything. Totally justified note, but horrendously bad poetry.

      Oct 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    The point has been made before, but I think can stand to be made again; it’s up to the reader to decide if your notice is polite or not, and if you feel the need to state that it is polite then it probably isn’t.

    Sep 22, 2011 at 4:38 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   Grant

    “We are here to do a job”…

    Well, don’t expect me to clean up after you.

    Info: to ‘job’ is UK (Scottish) slang for ‘poo’

    Sep 22, 2011 at 5:17 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   gladystopia

    Vogon poetry lives.

    Sep 23, 2011 at 10:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   Caoimhe

    Ahhh pleasing! This is a park a 3 minute walk from me, and that note fits the twee little village within perfectly.

    Sep 24, 2011 at 5:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   WMDKitty


    Sep 27, 2011 at 1:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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