Entries from September 2011

The needy little dishwasher

September 12th, 2011 · 43 Comments

Dear poor, neglected automatic dishwasher: have you considered therapy? (Adds Ben in London: “God help us if somebody pisses off the kettle.”)

The DISHWASHER is sad! He rarely gets fed properly, so please feed him as soon as you have finished with your cup, glass, breakfast bowl, plate or cutlery. He will clean it at the end of every day and poop it out fresh and sparkling. If he is full he has a big brother and sister on the 2nd floor. The SINK is angry! She is fed up having dirty cups, glasses, breakfast bowls etc left in her which look messy, smell and get in the way for other people using the sink. By all means use her to rinse your items which makes her happy, but please do not leave things sitting in the sink. Together we can make this kitchen a happier place if we all work together! Please help us, The Kitchen Appliance Care & Appreciation Society (KACAS)

Meanwhile, in Texas…

Oh Michael! I want you* inside me. Turn me on** and then fill me up***! *to put the dirty dishes **to the standard washing cycle ***with whatever is in the sink

related: When dishwashers speak

Tags: anthropomorphism · clip art catastrophe · dishwasher · double-entendre alert · kitchen

An artistic phallacy

September 9th, 2011 · 51 Comments

Says Michael, of this note from the bulletin board of his college dorm: “It pretty much speaks for itself.”

TO THE INDIVIDUAL OBSESSED WITH DRAWING PENISES: Rest assured that you are the only personal who finds humor in this. While I am glad you are so open in expressing yourself, it is rather distasteful to be depicting to your desires in such great detail on everybody's doors. If you care to enjoy your phallic artwork alone in your own place of residence, that is perfectly fine by me. However, there are a number of students who fail to appreciate your unique style of expression on their property. The next time time you feel the urge to create penises, do it on canvas and take it to an art show. Maybe you'll make some money out of the deal.

related: Body hair is unsanitary!

extra credit: A brief survey of blatantly phallic art [flavorwire.com]

Tags: art · college life · graffiti · most popular notes of 2011 · RA

How NOT to earn great restaurant tips

September 8th, 2011 · 117 Comments

Writes Amber in Minnesota: “My friend works in accounting for a local restaurant chain, and every once in awhile she has to go through credit card receipts if something isn’t adding up correctly. She’s found some pretty interesting gems, but this one takes the cake.”

I'm not pregnant, but thanks for the "eating for two" comment.

[Adds the Not-Pregnant Notewriter: THANKS FOR THE 'TAKES THE CAKE' COMMENT, AMBER. REALLY.]

related: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but mind your own damn business.

Tags: etiquette · Minneapolis/St. Paul · Minnesota · Oops? · preggers · restaurant

Not one for small talk, eh?

September 7th, 2011 · 33 Comments

Spotted by Helen in the window of a shop in Haworth, West Yorkshire.

(It was closed.)

BEFORE YOU ASK: YES, A LOT OF SHOPS ARE CLOSED. NO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY'LL BE OPEN. NO, I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'LL BE OPEN. IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN THIS SHOP WILL BE OPEN. YES, THE WEATHER IS POOR/BEAUTIFUL/CRAP. NO, WE DON'T SELL NEWSPAPERS.

related: A not-so-subtle clue that your co-worker isn’t up for cubicle small talk

Tags: "customer service" · let me stop you right there · retail hell · small talk · U.K.

Oh, sure, blame it on the crackhead.

September 6th, 2011 · 56 Comments

Take it from Whitney, kids: “Crack is whack.” (And it makes you an easy scapegoat for pretty much anything and everything.)

From Akron, Ohio:

The crackhead theives [sic] have been busy stealing our stuff, inside + out. Please report all crackhead sightings to SPD [phone number redacted]

From Toronto:

DEAR CRACKHEADS: Please don't steal the empty porn cases. They don't have much of a street value, and since crack/heroin renders you impotent anyways, we really don't see the logic in your decision making abilities. Big Kiss. 7/24 Staff

From New York City:

To the Crackhead who samshed in my windows

From Pueblo, Colorado:

Billboard

From Phoenix:

The fucking neighborhood Crack Head stole my broke down wore out mat bike what will the Dumb Ass Steal of yours next

From Seattle:

dear crackheads: please stop being crackheads. you thank

And lastly, from South London:

Squirrels on Crack

related: So if I start selling drugs I can drive an Escalade, too?

Tags: blame it on the crackhead · drugs · spelling and grammar police · stealing · that's illegal

The Gateway to Contractor Hell

September 5th, 2011 · 44 Comments

While vacationing in Ireland in May, Morgan and her husband ate at a new restaurant in the village of Durrus, in County Cork. “By the next morning,” she says, “the whole town was talking about the ‘gift’ left in the parking spots out front.”

Eoin Hourihane Carpenter & Building Contractor Has not been paid for work carried out, in The Gateway, Durrus

Eoin Hourihane Carpenter & Building Contractor Has not been paid for work carried out, in The Gateway, Durrus

related: You lied to me, Mr. Lundegaard.

Tags: Ireland · money · public shaming

So close, and yet…

September 1st, 2011 · 99 Comments

Darin in Chicago came across the note on the side of his neighbor’s garage just as he was throwing his own dog’s crap in the trash can. (This is kinda like getting out the new roll of TP, but then leaving it on the side of the sink to get wet instead of just putting it on the dispenser…except, worse.)

You pick up the dog crap, but insist on leaving it next to the garbage can. I don't understand.

I don’t really understand the logic here either, but perhaps this particular dog owner is still dealing with the scars from dealing with neighbors like this one, from Ottawa:

OLD LADY If I Catch You In The Act Of Putting Your Dogs Crap In Our Cans. I Will Cut Off Your Head And Bolt It To The Hood Of My Car

related: This is not a trash can

Tags: Chicago · dogs · excessive capitalization · garbage · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · recycling · shit · You call that punctuation?

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