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The unfinished story of the unhappy door

November 6th, 2011 · 71 comments

The missing last line of this story: “Unfortunately, it just made people slam the door more loudly out of spite.”

Once upon a time there was a door that was rather unhappy. Every day people would allow the door to slam very loudly. The door was a very thoughtful door, so it very sad about the people who allow him to slam and cause such a disturbance. One day one person had the idea to leave a subtle note on the door with the hope that this note would tactfully encourage people to stop slamming their f&*king doors. -The end-

(Upon publication, this story was roundly slammed by reviewers.)

related: “The life of a toilet is much more stressful than people realize”

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · clip art catastrophe · door-slamming · neighbors · U.K.

71 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Berva

    I see a red door and I want to kick your ass.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm   rating: 61  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   aliceblue

      I can hear the music with you comment.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 12:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   John


      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   Lauren

    This is why every institution and communal housing space in existence has slamguard door-closers.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 6:19 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

  • #3   marky not mark

    And, when the subtle note didn’t work, the PA person put up this one!

    Nov 6, 2011 at 6:20 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Lisap

      Yeah, if I lived in this place I’m pretty sure my immediate reaction would be to add a post-it with the definition of “subtle”.

      Nov 25, 2011 at 9:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   The Elf

    Why isn’t this red door painted black?

    Nov 6, 2011 at 6:48 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   infanttyrone

      Memo from Turner in Legal about copyright issues ‘s what I heard.

      Nov 6, 2011 at 7:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Palomon

      With apolgies to Eddie Murphy:
      The door is ajar.
      No! The door is a door!

      Nov 6, 2011 at 9:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   pony girl

      Mind the gap! Mind the gap! Mind the gap!

      I swear, I almost fell into the freaking gap trying to figure out what the hall the PA system was saying over and over again. And at that particular station, it was no small gap, it was more like a ravine, it was 12 inches at least.

      Nov 6, 2011 at 10:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Rob

      Given that the door is unhappy, shouldn’t it be blue, not red nor black?

      Nov 7, 2011 at 12:08 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Canthz_B bang

      Perhaps the door is green and is unhappy because it cannot see what goes on behind it.

      OK, that’s a pretty old reference…Google it. :-P

      Nov 7, 2011 at 1:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   Nunavut Guy

      Ah.70′s porn.Oh and George Carlin said that way before Eddie did.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 6:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   Canthz_B bang

      I knew you’d get that. :-)

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   infanttyrone

    That poor old door…it was on the threshold of madness…
    each new slam took him one step closer to being completely unhinged.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 7:41 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Palomon

      ‘least it wasn’t getting knocked up all the time.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #6   lily

    Sounds like the door needs counselling. It seems to have issues controlling itself. I am not responsible for your behaviour door!

    Nov 6, 2011 at 7:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   shwo! bang

    Ironically, taping the note to the door as though it were nothing more than a wall caused the door such anguish that it became completely unhinged.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 8:31 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Doug

      This is pretty much a repeat of comment 5. Lacks originality. 2.4/10 points

      Nov 6, 2011 at 9:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   shwo! bang

      Rats! Didn’t see it when I posted. Bad post me.

      Nov 6, 2011 at 9:50 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #8   AAAAAAA

    I am desperate for attention!

    Please feed my attention-whore desires by endlessly commenting on this post.

    I live my life through making inane comments on silly websites.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 9:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   pony girl

      shut your whore mouth

      Nov 6, 2011 at 10:24 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   John

      Says the “pony girl”

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:30 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.3   The Elf

      Hey, just because she likes to ride hard doesn’t mean she’s a whore. I mean, who knows if she gets paid for that. Might just be a hobby horse.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 9:53 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.4   Rattus

      Why are you here, AAAAAA, if not to feed your own attention whore? Going to a site or two for a laugh and a comment is, for many of us, just a bit of a palate cleanser between tasks, and a small break from bitter, condescending assholes in the real world. Please don’t break the fourth wall.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 9:55 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.5   infant tyrone bang

      I could be wrong, but I suspect ‘pony girl’ is merely an appellation,
      not even an avocation, much less an occupation.

      But then again, John, perhaps from your privileged (inside?) position in such economic transactions, you know more than I do.

      That said, based on no first-hand experience in the business, I do approve of Margot St. James and COYOTE, so we’re just having a little word-play.
      It’s your money…except for the cut J.J. Wentworth took.

      Wow…maybe perpetual edit is back…
      time for one from the vaults, then…
      After more than a year in the stable…
      This goes out to what Fagen & Becker might call
      The charmer under me… :-)

      Nov 7, 2011 at 1:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.6   pony girl





      Nov 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.7   pony girl



      I wanna vote twice!

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.8   infant tyrone bang

      Glad you liked it…I posted it for you once before, back in the day.
      Good thing I bookmarked it too, though, as I keep mis-remembering his name as Gordon and coming up empty until I scroll way back on my YT faves list and eventually find the clip, at which point I always wonder with a little flash just where the Gordon came from.
      Are you & Ms. glo still in occasional contact ?

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.9   pony girl

      I am hardly here anymore.
      I miss everybody.
      Haven’t seen her in awhile.


      Nov 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.10   infant tyrone bang

      I think she left email info a page or two ago back in the secret clubhouse.
      I may do the same…feel encouraged to reconnect anytime, especially if you have a restaurant review of 1st China BBQ. I know I lost contact with you, gg, glo, and park rose when that MBL/Yahoo thing went pffft. :-(

      Nov 8, 2011 at 1:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   angela

    Sounds like someone needs to suck it up and buy a door closer.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 9:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    Finally! Someone has made Jim Morrison’s suicide note public!

    Nov 6, 2011 at 9:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    When a door in your life closes, a door of opportunity opens.

    When a door in your life slams closed, a door of opportunity opens really quickly.

    Go ahead…slam every door you come across, then listen to see where opportunity knocks next.

    Nov 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   John

      You lead a very pathetic life, constantly posting whatever you think is funny on this website. Surely you do not think you are so full of wit that random thoughts from you need to be posted several times in a row?

      That is all.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 6:27 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Jordie

      Was your day so terrible that you felt the need to harsh everyone’s mellow? Canthz isn’t always funny, but when she is, she’s REALLY funny.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Canthz_B bang

      John, you are adult a dolt. Not every comment is meant to be witty. That one is an inspirational message which says that we should be optimistic, things are not as bad as they may sometimes seem. That if your situation is crappy, move your ass because better opportunities are out there for you if you go and find them. :roll:

      BTW, she’s a he. ;-)

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   The Elf

      Now, anyway. We won’t talk about those ten years ago.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   Jordie

      We weren’t supposed to talk about that? I missed the memo. Sorry to drop the ball, Canthz!

      Nov 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.6   Palomon

      “Drop the ball.” You’re just awful.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #11.7   Canthz_B bang

      Dropping the ball is an entirely different surgical procedure.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   matt

    Being a male door he does not mind becoming unhinged because that is the final stage before getting screwed (back into the doorway)

    Nov 6, 2011 at 10:37 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #13   aliceblue

    The door was even more unhappy to have a pathetic note taped to him so he grew a pair to go with his knob. He then began to squeak as well as slam until the note writer was taken away to the Psychoneurotic Institute for the Very, Very Nervous. The now happy door spends his days watching the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 12:30 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   infant tyrone bang

      As the girls bounce by,
      doors play Rusty Warren songs,
      bless Arthur Fiedler.

      Too obscure ? No fans of Randi Rhodes’ Friday show here ?

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   Stefan

    I posted a somewhat similar PA note when I was in college. I was sharing a townhouse with three other people, two of whom communications were rather strained with. One of those people had a penchant for slamming the front door on his way to class in the morning, seemingly oblivious to the facts that (a) others of us were sleeping and (b) the walls in those townhomes were paper thin and they would literally shake. One day I posted a note on the door that read “Don’t slam the door on the way out. –Queensryche” I don’t know if it was an appreciation of the odd humor inherent in quoting a 90s hair band song or actual guilt, but he stopped slamming the door after that.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 1:04 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   The Elf

      It might be a 90s song, but Queensryche is totally an 80s band. I mean, they have umlauts over their intentionally mispelled name. Umlauts. It doesn’t get more 80s than that.

      But kudos to you for the metal reference on your note! \m/

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:15 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #15   Lizzie

    I think the funniest part is that they call this a “subtle” note.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 8:37 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #16   aaa bang

    What the note writer don’t realize is that the door is actually a masochist and likes being slammed. Like, a lot.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 9:23 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Lizzie


      Nov 7, 2011 at 9:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   AmandaBlog&Kiss

    Not so sure about this one. Not much of a plot and I’m not that “involved” with the characters, if you know what I mean.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 10:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Jimmy James

      I thought the protagonist seemed a little flat.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 2:10 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   aliceblue

      And the dialog wooden.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   infant tyrone bang

      I was doing OK suspension-of-disbelief-wise until the female lead became putty in his hands…no way a character of such emotional depth would stick with someone so two dimensional. Maybe if they write in a scene where she’s huffing glue…

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    This note-writer demonstrates a woefully poor understanding of human nature if he/she thinks this note will do anything other than increase the amount of slamming that happens.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 11:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   TKD

      I’m pretty certain that all the note writers featured on PAN demonstrate woefully poor understanding of human nature. And some of us that post comments as well. :-) That is why I love coming here.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 12:05 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #19   Dr. Knight

    Milton said it better:

    On a sudden open fly,
    With impetuous recoil and jarring sound,
    Th’ infernal doors, and on their hinges grate
    Harsh thunder.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 11:12 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   infant tyrone bang

      When I saw the open fly line, I thought it was one of those Blue Limericks made famous by Milton Weiss…remember the banned Catskill comic who toured with Mr. Foxx on the Redd & White: Always Blue tour ?

      Lewis Black wanted to team up with them and hit the road with the Newspaper ? Schmoozepaper ! It’s a Bus Full of Dead Nuns tour…
      of course, the marquee would have read Black & White & Redd All Over.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 1:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Canthz_B bang

      Milton’s fly was open too often.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 7:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #20   divaandwriter bang

    I hereby temporarily interrupt this flow of witty repostes to say that I am totally Team Note Writer.

    I work as a receptionist at a university. My desk is in the hallway of a very old building. We have to keep our entrance door closed, because it is a fire door. Because there are classrooms and offices on our floor, there is a constant stream of people coming in and going out, and that damned door slams EVERY TIME!

    To make matters worse, I sit close to the door of the ladies’ room, which also has a door that everybody loves to just let slam.

    There are some days when every nerve in my body is screaming by lunchtime!

    Everybody else is safely in their offices, so I am the only one who is bothered by this, which is probably why they have not put slam guards on the doors — that, and they are probably afraid if they did the fire doors would end up getting stuck in an open position, which could get us in trouble with the Fire Department.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 11:17 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   TKD

      Diva, unless you are at a really unusual school, you probably do double duty as administrative assistant for half the professors in the department, including the department chair. If that is the case, just order the slam guards, put in a work order, sign the chair’s name and get yourself some relief. BTW, Team note writer on this one.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   The Elf

      Misappropration of funds for the win!

      Nov 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #21   The Elf

    Don’t let the door slam… you in the ass as you leave.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 12:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #22   fishelfe

    Subtle? Tactful? Slam away, people!

    Nov 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   Smokey

    I wonder how the door would feel if his whole existance went unnoticed?

    Nov 7, 2011 at 3:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   kacky

    Stupid control freaks. if the door closes too loudly, the fix the goddamn door. Problem solved.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 6:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   pony girl

      I believe the issue isn’t the door closing too loudly, I think the issue is that the door is being slammed.

      Team hold -onto- the- door- handle- until-it-is-closed-don’t-just-let- go- of- the- handle-allowing-it-to-slam.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.2   kacky

      That is the way people close doors. If you are hoping to change the world, you will be perpetually disappointed. It is a lot easier to change the one manager who can get the slam guard installed.

      Nov 7, 2011 at 10:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #25   Canthz_B bang

    You’re supposed to slam your fucking doors.

    You make sweet love to the ones you’d introduce to your mother.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 7:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #26   KJS

    Since when did people and/or inanimate objects become angry or sad over something they were “allowed to do?” As in, you have the option not to slam, you stupid door (according to your passive voice).

    But then, I’ve had only one-sided conversations with inanimate objects so the note writer must have some insight into what I thought was a one-sided issue.

    Nov 7, 2011 at 8:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   pony girl

      a magical one-sided door!

      when is a door not a door?

      when it’s ajar.

      when it’s a magical one-sided door (a wall)

      Nov 7, 2011 at 8:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   infant tyrone bang

      How you gonna get in or out of a Klein bottle without a one-sided door ?

      And if the temp is dropping, better use weather-stripping by Moebius…

      Nov 7, 2011 at 9:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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