Why can’t I turn this toaster on?

November 8th, 2011 · 59 comments

Instead of letting the Facilities Dept. know that the toaster was broken, the folks in Catherine’s office opted to collaboratively solve the problem Apollo-13 style, using only the paper products found in the office supply cabinet.

The major difference? This time, failure was an option.

Won't heat up. (Maybe it's just not that into you?) It's not plugged in! (Even plugged in it doesn't work!)

related: I’m calling to report a case of toaster abuse?

FILED UNDER: kitchen · note wars · office · Oregon · smartass · toaster


59 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Palomon

    Note: Debate team meet 8pm.

    Graffito: Why should we?

    Nov 8, 2011 at 10:34 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   infant tyrone bang

      Spray paint (or maybe tempera, but not tempura!) is applied, obscuring the question mark, leaving a naturally abhorred vacuum , and so the graffito is extended to include “assume facts not in evidence ?”

      Later, some other propaganda/debate-savvy wiseass adds:
      “OCCUPY THE EXCLUDED MIDDLE !”

      Nov 9, 2011 at 7:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Old Uncle Toe bang

    Sadly, I have nothing entertaining to say. I mean, it’s a busted toaster. Not a lot of material there.

    The one thing that strikes me is how much the handwriting on the “submitted to passive agressive notes.com” is just like the handwriting on the post-it in the logo on the top of the web site.

    Nov 8, 2011 at 10:44 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Mrs.Beasley bang

      Except that the post-it in the logo on the top of the web site spells “aggressive” correctly.

      Nov 8, 2011 at 10:57 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Michelle

      I spell aggressive wrong pretty much every time I come to this site. I’m pretty sure at this point it’s its own passive aggressive statement.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 1:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    The answer to the age-old question: “When is a toaster toast?”

    Nov 8, 2011 at 11:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Lenny!

      When it has smoked too much?

      Nov 9, 2011 at 12:43 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      Well, you know it’s done when you stick a fork in it.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 1:10 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   gladystopia

      Cantz, I don’t know whether I’d rather smack you upside the head or thumb the hell out of you for that comment.

      Just at the moment, I’m leaning toward the thumbs…but then again, I’m a bit mercurial today.

      So watch out for a goofy-lookin’ fat chick with her thumbs pointed up and carrying a Louisville Slugger…

      Nov 9, 2011 at 6:13 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Canthz_B bang

      I shaved very close today in anticipation of being “smacked” by you. ;-)

      Nov 9, 2011 at 9:30 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   infant tyrone bang

      Cadging a meme from Professor Smirnov:

      You stick fork in toaster…usually toaster toasts you.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    My toaster is always hot. I keep her next to my very sexy Mr. Coffee.

    In fact, all of my small kitchen appliances have had her…she’s a real pop(ular) tart around here.

    Nov 8, 2011 at 11:35 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   infant tyrone bang

      Yes, around there, and a naughty bit 0f a sin-sation on the interwebs too.

      Based on her benefactor’s penchant for regular cleanliness and
      passion for sesame bagels, she’s the first Bitchin’ Kitchen Aid with
      her own by-subscription-only website.

      The exact size of this seedy lot of peepers is known only to a handful,
      but from the residue of daily comments left it is clear that hundreds of viewers check in daily at 10:30 AM to furtively watch as her crumb tray
      is upended, hosed down, wiped dry, buffed to a fare-thee-well, and finally rudely re-inserted while the hand mixer, blender, and can opener
      stand by in shame, a trio of mute and helpless witnesses.

      Thankfully for her associates, at least according to the prevailing consensus of scientific opinion about machine consciousness, the
      misery they are forced to wallow in is strictly local. Sure, in their
      own way they see the ever-present laptop and they know that the
      built-in camera might be recording or more, but the trenchcoat
      of TCP/IP works in both directions and shields them from any
      awareness of the relatively anonymous, paying customers.

      Speaking, asymptotically, of fare thee wells…
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlTzzsjF6s8&feature=related

      Hey (hay?) down there in #5…
      ain’t got apples, ain’t got carrots, but I got a steel guitar in Brooklyn :-)
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-CUXK6UuO8

      Nov 9, 2011 at 12:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   pony girl

    Good thing that toaster doesn’t work, what with all that paper attached to it.

    Nov 8, 2011 at 11:44 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   infant tyrone bang

      The newly unemployed toaster is planning road trips to Mexico & Canada, anticipating minimal delays at border crossings….Papers, eh ?

      Nov 9, 2011 at 10:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   pony girl

      Well, if the papers are zig- zags, they should anticipate lengthy delays.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 12:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   infant tyrone bang

      Why, pg, I do declayah, one would have to be positively baked
      to stash one’s rolling papers on the outside of a toaster.
      Or be a frisky filly scheming for an extended pat-down.
      I’m willing to curry your favor indefinitely,
      or if it’s just a case of the munchies,
      we can go Dutch to a rijsttafel.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 12:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Doesn’t heat up? Try turning it over, maybe it heats down!

    Nov 9, 2011 at 1:20 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   lanilou bang

      hahaha. im not sure why.. but .. this is the funniest thing i read..

      Nov 9, 2011 at 1:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Palomon

      No, CB; turning it over is how you find out if it’s a boy or a girl.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Canthz_B bang

      It just says it lives in Hamilton Beach under there, but it has a male plug.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 12:19 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    I wonder how much tickets for Toaster: Unplugged go for?

    They’ll never be the opening act before a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening.

    Nov 9, 2011 at 2:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    I don’t own a toaster. Or a microwave, for that matter. The need for either of them just hasn’t arisen.

    Nov 9, 2011 at 3:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Pink Coat

      and your point is?

      Nov 9, 2011 at 7:54 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   po4tjkope3rferwqggqwefgr

      He probably has a terrible diet, which consists of little debbie snack cakes and all manner of processed food.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 9:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      Pink Coat…nicely done! :-)

      Nov 9, 2011 at 9:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   infant tyrone bang

      Could be the Dr. was just making a short but complex/tricky joke about leavening/baking. Of course I could be completely out to lunch on that.

      But I did notice a copy of Hello Tasty by The Yeastie Boys in his wheels.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 3:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Smokey

      You’re telling me you don’t ever eat toast, heat up soup/leftovers, reheat a cup of coffee? You have no desire for a nice english muffin?

      Nov 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Canthz_B bang

      Don’t tell me I’m the only one who saw toast points in #8.1

      Nov 10, 2011 at 12:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   infant tyrone bang

      Per your request, consider this your official non-notification of same.

      However (wink wink, nudge nudge), be advised that #8.1 did provoke a 20-second DMT-type time travel re-experiencing of the best salmon and dill concoction I have ever tasted (The Ark restaurant, Nahcotta WA, September 1981) as well as a longer, slower recollection of being 14 and reading The Spy Who Loved Me, in which Bond observes that the problem with luxury hotels is that although they don’t skimp on the caviar, they almost never provide enough toast. Other than that, zippo from #8.1.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 12:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   Canthz_B bang

      Ok then, contrary to my usually negative assumptions about posts, this time I may have been overly optimistic.

      I’ll take credit for “first” toast points comment here in that case! :lol:

      Nov 10, 2011 at 12:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.9   infant tyrone bang

      CB,
      The Urban Dictionary has only this for toast points:
      When you cut a slice of bread in half diagonally, you have just created toast points.
      Or, it’s the way of keeping track of who is winning the famed and glorious toast competition.

      I think *we* are talking about the first definition.
      Any clue about a (the?) “famed and glorious toast competition”?
      A quasi-legal baking contest held in Amsterdam “coffee shops” ?
      Any help would be appreciated.
      I think I’m on overload today, after learning what a backronym is.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 1:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.10   Canthz_B bang

      Never heard of such, IT. I suppose if you have two Best Men at a wedding there’d be a toast competition, but who can say for sure?

      Nov 10, 2011 at 2:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.11   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      This seemingly pointless trivia provoked a fairly extensive discussion; and that, Pink Coat, is the point.

      Nov 13, 2011 at 7:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.12   lanilou bang

      Touche’ Dr.

      .. although you had absolutley no way of knowing that your pointless babble would in turn provoke the extensive discussion that followed… and therefore it seems that you, originally, did not have a point. Your’ point’ only seems to have risen after Pink Coats response to your lack of a point. (#8.1) And those responding to that response. . .

      Nov 15, 2011 at 3:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.13   Pink Coat

      That’s exactly what I came back to ‘point’ out Dr chalk….eff. As lanilou said, the discussion was generated from my comment, not yours :)

      Nov 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.14   Canthz_B bang

      Should have stayed away, you just confirmed that all you had to say was a comment about someone else not having a point to make.

      Should have left the question open as to whether or not you at least had the imagination to play on “toast points”.

      Hey, I tried to give you a crumb of credit anyway. Even though I can be quite crusty around here at times, opportunities to spread praise sometimes pop up. Promise!

      Nov 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.15   infant tyrone bang

      @lanilou & Pink Coat

      Not to put too fine a point on the whole business, but:

      a) if #8.1 had not been posted, #8.2 could have been used
      without any modification as a direct comment on #8 rather than
      as the answer to #8.1 that it appears to be

      b) #8.5 is clearly a direct response to #8, one which, short of some semantic Pretzel Logic word salad construction worthy of a Charles Manson interview response, has no conceivable relation to #8.1.

      c)…you had absolutley no way of knowing that your pointless babble would in turn provoke the extensive discussion that followed… and therefore it seems that you, originally, did not have a point.
      The assumed “pointless babble” is used to prove (whence “therefore”)
      that there was no point…aka Begging the Question, Assuming Facts
      Not in Evidence, or petitio principii (for the recent spate of Latin lovers).
      Nice attempt. Keep trying.

      (see above, Hot with Mustard) http://bit.ly/si4gzA
      (for Nero, the Boss Latin lover) http://bit.ly/sIvelq

      Nov 15, 2011 at 11:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.16   Canthz_B bang

      ♥, Ty.

      Nov 16, 2011 at 12:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Grant

    I wondered when this would pop-up.

    Nov 9, 2011 at 3:40 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Dina

    Great, now I’ve spent the last 15 minutes watching Apollo 13 clips…

    Nov 9, 2011 at 5:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   The Elf

    If you are having trouble turning the toaster on, may I suggest fiddling with the knob a little?

    Nov 9, 2011 at 8:18 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   quat

      Or try using bigger slices of bread. Those little baguette slices are just not doing it.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 9:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   The Elf

      To a point. Ramming in a bagel slice will just make both you and the toaster uncomfortable.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 7:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Jimmy James

    I’m given to understand toasters are frequently possessed by ghosts and spirits- sometimes divine, like those that produce a picture of the Virgin Mary, but most often just affecting the heating and timing mechanisms so as to render your bread still soft, white, and untoasted or completely burned, with no middle ground. Whether these spirits are demons doing this out of malevolence, or the ghosts of loved ones making a futile effort to communicate is a matter of considerable theological debate. However, all religious authorities are in agreement that at no point should one try to cast the spirits out by baptizing the toaster.

    Nov 9, 2011 at 11:39 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   infant tyrone bang

      Sorting wheat and chaff vis a vis the treacherous, Scylla & Charybdis-like options of spiteful spirits vs. dead-relatives-with-lively-tips was doomed to failure until someone from the parapsychological camp came across a long-buried Rhine Institute paper that described a test run of 100 Zener cards in which the testee (sic) had exactly zero responses correct when assessed normally, but was accurate 50% of the time if her response was viewed as an answer to the question “What is the symbol on the card after the card after this one ?”

      In two cases, where the owners of the machines were curiously named Marjorie (Marge) Stick and Patrick (Pat) Butter, subsequent analysis of the pattern of untoasted and completely burnt slices, using this “Plus 3″ alignment method in conjunction with International Morse Code, revealed that there were what could only be seen as multiple messages from a variety of deceased family members and one former high school Home-Economics teacher, each of which, identical to the others, said “Dammit, Bozo…get a new toaster !”

      Nov 9, 2011 at 3:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   The Elf

    Frakking Toasters!

    Nov 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   unsatisfied

    toaster? I don’t even know her!

    Nov 9, 2011 at 12:24 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Ceasar

    Infant,

    Do you ever get right to the point, with the least number of words possible.

    Nov 9, 2011 at 4:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Palomon

      Ceasar-
      Did you mean “fewest words possible?”
      Perhaps, “Do you ever make your point with the shortest word count?”
      Maybe try, “Do you ever write more succinctly?”
      This might work, “Are you ever direct?”

      Nov 9, 2011 at 4:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Palomon

      IT- To be clear; I got no beef with your posts.
      There is a difference between using a lot of words to craft a story or make a subtle point and cramming in extra to sound intelligent. Your posts are longish but efficient and your narratives tend to pay dividends in humor to he who will invest a moment in the reading.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 5:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   infant tyrone bang

      @Ceasar…Sometimes, yes.

      @Ceasar…What’s up with the spelling of your name ? An acronym ?
      A badge of rebellion ? Write as much as you need to or like to.

      @Palomon…I recall your name from 12+ months ago when I used to post here fairly frequently. Can’t say I would be able to recall and categorize your style in 25 words or less, but I do remember that I would always be prepared for a goodie when I saw your handle attached to the next box as I scrolled down the screen. I am making an effort to be more concise.
      Why, if I had a penny for every word I’ve cut in the past couple of weeks, I could fly the two (or four) of us down (http://tinyurl.com/y8co6zr)
      for churrasco and a show or two.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 6:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Palomon

      Don’t go changin,’ Baby T.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 7:39 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   infant tyrone bang

      I request an exception be made in case of a diaper containment problem.

      If perpetual edit survives, look for more up to the minute poop here later.

      Nov 9, 2011 at 8:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Canthz_B bang

      I always laugh so much that I pee my pants a little when someone pretty much says, “Please dumb down your posts, I’m not equipped to understand them.”

      An odd play on The K.I.S.S. Principle: Keep It Simple and Stupid…so I can understand it.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 12:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   infant tyrone bang

      I’m trying to put something together expressing regret at having even a passing connection to any trickle-down problems you have experienced.
      I try to stay on-topic, but I keep coming back to the fact that those same people just get me so pissed that I go off the Depend myself.
      So, sorry to cut this off in mid-stream, but I have to get back to a new anthology of old viper humor columns from the Yellow Journalism era, Tokin’ fer Real: One-Hit Wonders of San Simeon-illa.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 2:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   Canthz_B bang

      I’ll be dammed. Get back to what you were doing then, no need to pamper me, I’ll just hold my water until you get back. Urine for it when you come back, but you’ll probably just shake it off.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 2:28 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   Canthz_B bang

      Sorry, folks…we were just taking a piss! ;-)

      Nov 10, 2011 at 2:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   infant tyrone bang

      A golden splash in the miner’s pan, by Yellow Pair’ll Shower Productions…see the film, read the book, wear the (wet) T-shirt if you dare.

      I like #15.9…good for the idiom-impaired crowd.

      Nov 10, 2011 at 3:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     

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