Ah, first world problems.
(Spotted by Kim in Manchester, U.K.)
related: My query on the egg salad ban
FILED UNDER: college life · Manchester · U.K. · vending machine drama
farcical aquatic ceremony
hope it’s not a sanity exam she’s prepping for…
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm rating: 36
Nov 20, 2011 at 10:29 am rating: 3
Is it so hard to read instructions? Many of the world’s problems would be solved if people would only READ! Shame on the college student who can’t follow simple directions and points the blame of their ineptitude on someone else. tsk,tsk! (How did they make it into college?)
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:45 pm rating: 104
Read?? A good chance if they will receive a grade, maybe if they are going to get called on in class, but otherwise, nope.
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:44 pm rating: 2
I agree a tiny bit with the note writer, in that it is an illogical layout. We spend a lot of time in our company trying to figure out the most intuitive way to put things on the dialogs on our software.
However, this is so over the top dramatic that I want to poke my eyes out. Does the note writer really think the poor sap who services the machine has any damn control over the order of the buttons? Or that for his/her wage will even give a shit about her issues?
Nov 19, 2011 at 1:15 am rating: 41
Who passed out the Haterade?
I know I wouldn’t care about his/her issues after the clueless “lead to me failing my degree and working in Neo Coffee for the rest of my life.”
1) You really think a degree will guarantee you a good job these days? Seriously? XD
2) You really think someone’s going to listen to you after you imply that working in a job that caters to your spoiled, whiny little self makes them a failure?
Nov 19, 2011 at 7:23 am rating: 46
1. The vending machine company obviously put the most popular option first.
2. The student may as well just quit school now if they can’t even follow simple instructions.
3. Vending machine coffee? Eeeww. Not only do I question this student’s intelligence, I also question their resourcefulness and ingenuity if they are relying on vending machine coffee.
Nov 19, 2011 at 11:02 am rating: 32
I dunno, we used to have vending machine coffee in our building that most of us survived on during finals week, and it was both cheap and surprisingly drinkable.
Nov 19, 2011 at 11:59 am rating: 3
1) these days you could drop the “good” if pressed for space
2) there is a hidden button on the back of the machine that says
“I am accessible only to the somewhat technically proficient person who maintains me and makes mass more moolah than those mocha-mope baristas over at Neo Coffee”
The button isn’t mechanically functional, but it seems to dispense endorphins, because every time the tech pushes it, she cracks a big smile.
Yes, she saves the notes and, ala PAN, plans to publish a book soon.
I like how #2.5(2) presages #10.5.
If that was intentional…
What a good deal you had !
Maybe those vending machines increased your school’s population of perpetual students…well, as the song says, maybe just a tiny bit
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm rating: 4
Not only that, how are they going to pass the exam they are so stressed about, if they can’t follow simple instructions. This person is obviously going to be writing an angry letter to her course coordinator complaining that “most multiple choice answers are usually C, and on this exam they were mainly Bs. How is someone supposed to fluke a pass if you change it from what is expected?”
Nov 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm rating: 15
They must be one of my library’s patrons. Honestly, very few seem to actually read instructions. Or the “We cannot get the following tax forms, you must call the IRS or go to IRS.gov to get them” signs during tax season.
Nov 19, 2011 at 7:41 pm rating: 6
Have you ever tried to stay up way past when is normal for you? I can tell you from experience, you get a little loopy, and the basest things like doing something that you might even do every day becomes a major undertaking. I probably would have done the same thing, if I was so desperate I was going for vending machine coffee.
Nov 20, 2011 at 8:01 am rating: 10
QUOTE 3. Vending machine coffee? Eeeww. Not only do I question this student’s intelligence, I also question their resourcefulness and ingenuity if they are relying on vending machine coffee. END QUOTE
I agree. When I lived in my college dormitory, I used to brew my own coffee. I could have as much as I wanted, the way I wanted it. Of course, we didn’t have vending machines in our dorm (this being back in the Bronze Age), but still, making your own coffee is the best way to handle the study/caffeine crisis.
Nov 20, 2011 at 7:31 pm rating: 7
It is listed in the way people are prone to order…and your poor choice, and seeming inability to go get a free sugar packet from nearly anywhere, combined with your drug dependency and unawareness of the general lack of improvement from cramming for exams means….perhaps you are best fit for a career in ditch digging.
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:47 pm rating: 60
“general lack of improvement from cramming for exams”
There were some exams I took at college where I literally hadn’t attended a class in that module or read any of the material until the day before. Still passed them all. Your assertion is incorrect.
Nov 19, 2011 at 5:28 am rating: 4
Just because you pass an exam doesn’t mean you aren’t a moron, nor does it mean you truly understand the material you just passed an exam on.
Nov 19, 2011 at 11:58 am rating: 35
Sugar,nah nah nah nah nah nah,Ah honey honey honey…….
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:49 pm rating: 31
Damn…….that was an extra honey.
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:42 pm rating: 12
Nov 18, 2011 at 8:32 pm rating: 10
Coffee is better without sugar, and the sugar will just produce an inevitable crash.
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:51 pm rating: 15
Au contraire — sugar is better without coffee
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:55 pm rating: 68
Coffee produces a crash too, if you don’t eat anything with it. Sugar will make them crash sooner though.
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm rating: 1
Our response: be thankful the third option wasn’t decaf, no sugar.
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm rating: 72
In an alternate dimension where 7 comes before 1? Go you!
Nov 18, 2011 at 5:53 pm rating: 2
I found myself unable to continue past the first couple of lines until my brain could process what the heck “cossee” is.
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm rating: 21
It’s just the reverse of what you can hear at about 2:35 in this clip…
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:38 pm rating: 1
That coffee was fucking delicious!
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm rating: 6
I feel like I know this girl… or have been this girl at some point in time…
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm rating: 5
I tell all my 4th graders: Read twice, underline the important information, circle the question, stop and think before answering (choosing)
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm rating: 30
If I made any mistakes….it is Friday, 7:29 P.M., and I had a manhattan to forget the week. Please cut me a gramatical break
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm rating: 7
Ooooo, and my red pencil finger is SO twitching…
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:18 pm rating: 8
Jimmy, slide a double appletini down to the Lady in Red there…on me.
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm rating: 3
Smokey, the questions is did you WANT a Manhattan or did you push it by mistake trying to get an Old Fashioned?
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:39 pm rating: 19
Easiest A that I ever got was when my 6th grade science teacher gave us a pop-quiz and told us to read all of the instructions and all of the questions before answering any of them.
I did, and followed the instructions in question number 15 which were: Write your name and today’s date in top right-hand corner and turn over this test and read the next chapter.
I think 4 other kids out of 22 followed the directions. The rest of the kids spent the next 20 minutes sweating out those 14 problems and then inevitably groaning when they read number 15. Some of them tried to erase their work and the teacher would walk over to them and snatch it up, put an F on the top of the paper and hand it back to them.
My teacher had apparently had enough of kids not reading and following instructions and gave those other kids and F for the entire day.
Nov 19, 2011 at 11:15 am rating: 20
PG- I’ve had quizzes like that too. With the same dismal results.
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm rating: 4
similar quiz only once and with similar, but more dynamic results…
9th grade in an all-boys Jesuit high school
(so fewer lawsuit liability concerns)
it was about 47 years ago, so memory is a bit hazy,
but the instructions toward the bottom of the page
involved things like clapping hands for 1 minute,
banging on the top of your desk,
standing up and stomping your feet,
with the next-to-final “instruction” being to
stand on your seat and make some kind of animal noise.
I wasn’t as perfect as pg (AITCH), but didn’t embarrass myself
too badly, certainly not to the zoo that was wailing along before
the lions, tigers, and bears noticed the few, the quiet, the giggling.
Thanks to this early RTFI vaccination, I had it kinda nice
No need for an 8th grader to program a VCR or device.
Saved a little dough over the years…mostly gone, but still
I got a hot-rod Ford and a two-dollar bill.
Nov 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm rating: 3
aliceblue – by the time Smokey had read the drinks menu twice, underlined the important information, circled the question possible choices, and stopped and thought before answering choosing, the Manhattans were the only cocktail available.
Nov 21, 2011 at 8:29 am rating: 2
We shall speak Anon
infant tyrone -
Same experience here, in 4th grade Catholic school (must have been a parochial school thing).
A handful of the “good kids” just sat still and smug while the rest of us had a blast doing the hand jive, counting backwards from 20, etc., and then gave a collective “Aw, MAN!” when we got to the last direction.
What I took from the experience was that it’s often a lot more fun to ignore the rules.
Nov 21, 2011 at 6:15 pm rating: 7
Dear Coffee Machine,
Just because I spent my first 2 years of college passed out on a frat house “community bed” does NOT negate the fact that my life has been ruined by THIS machine pushing bad choices.
I mean, how the HELL can I pass basic math and basket-weaving when I get no sugar in option #3???? Even monkeys can pass a multiple choice test by selecting #3 (AKA “C”) on every answer.
In summary, YOU SUCK. And not in the good way. (3 paragraphs is the minimum, right?)
Love & hugs,
Hoping to be a Junior
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:25 pm rating: 20
I read the signature as “Hoping to be a Janitor.”
Nov 18, 2011 at 11:03 pm rating: 18
Your verbosity makes me think there’s plenty of something coursing through your veins.
Nov 18, 2011 at 6:29 pm rating: 8
If she can’t figure out the coffee machine I don’t think she stands much of a chance on her exam.
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:02 pm rating: 38
If it’s scored on a “more words >> higher grade” basis…she’s got a shot.
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:03 pm rating: 11
Who passed out the Haterade?
Unless it’s the exam for how to be a critic of some sort. Or a lawyer.
Nov 20, 2011 at 12:31 am rating: 1
If she’s about to take an exam it means she’s been at the school for a while. You’d think she’d already know the order of the sugar selections.
Nov 20, 2011 at 10:36 am rating: 5
I love our society nowadays. Who is to blame for the writer of this letter getting the wrong order? Certainly not the writer! Must be the makers of the coffee machine, how dare they not know what order the note-writer wants the coffee in!!!
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:06 pm rating: 28
Sense of entitlement + lack of personal responsibility = current state of society
Nov 20, 2011 at 12:03 am rating: 15
If I wanted to be fair ( I don’t, particularly but if I did) I’ve seen some gas pumps set up the same way – Regular – Premium – Midgrade and was right pissed off when I started pumping Premium when I meant to pump Midgrade.
But blaming the vending machine ( or the vending company – I’m not sure which one she’s pissed at) for her projected failing grade is a bit much. Sounds to me like she’s already passed her limit of caffiene for the week.
Nov 20, 2011 at 10:42 am rating: 5
Sure, blame Juan Valdez if you’d like, but if you’re up studying at 3:30am for an exam, odds are you are about to fail with or without sugar in your coffee.
Nov 18, 2011 at 7:24 pm rating: 26
But it’s OK, she’s in the UK so actually its about 11am.
Nov 19, 2011 at 6:51 am rating: 9
Samuel L. Bronkowitz
This is a great example of sarcasm–who ever wrote this did it as a joke.
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:04 pm rating: 3
Old Uncle Toe
Truly. I’m surprised at the number of people who seemed to have taken it seriously. Apparently, the education level of this group is about half and half. In any case, not the cream of the crop.
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:55 pm rating: 3
Damned kill-joy optimists.
Of course we all know that students studying for exams routinely take study breaks at 3:30am to write sarcastic notes to post on coffee machines just to break-up the monotony of their studies and that sleep deprived young minds never go off the deep end.
Hell, we even know that they’ve spent the past half-hour not studying, but formulating their sarcastic notes.
Now that’s a clear example of sarcasm.
Nov 20, 2011 at 2:20 am rating: 8
Obviously this person isn’t sweet enough without their sugar dose of the day…
Nov 18, 2011 at 9:32 pm rating: 3
This person doesn’t need any more coffee ever. Wow.
Nov 18, 2011 at 10:58 pm rating: 9
I like the “movable type” style Fs.
Nov 18, 2011 at 11:03 pm rating: 3
Gas stations are trying to do this “out of order” option thing too now. Around here ,and in most places I have gone to elsewhere in the US., the order of buttons on the pumps goes 87, 89, 93 octanes. This one particular chain likes to put it in backwards order. Luckily I read the buttons before putting premium into my crappy Sentra but when you are used to a standard way of things elsewhere for a long time, you kind of just assume, so I see where this guy is coming from. But should probably lay off the coffee.
Nov 19, 2011 at 2:39 am rating: 6
I did that just last week. Put in 87 when I normally put in premium.
Nov 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm rating: 1
That’s not a first world problem if she used her last 50p.
Nov 19, 2011 at 3:01 am rating: 2
It is if she’s spending it on a luxury like coffee.
Nov 19, 2011 at 6:18 am rating: 18
What has sugar got to do with staying awake? Sugar has nothing to do with sleep. You can eat all the sugar in the world, it still won’t keep you awake.
Nov 19, 2011 at 5:25 am rating: 7
Obviously that’s hyperbole. If you literally ate all the sugar in the world you’d probably have some digestive distress that would keep you awake.
Nov 19, 2011 at 5:26 am rating: 22
Reading these posts gave me Type 2 Diabetes.
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:10 pm rating: 9
Reading these posts reminded me of a favorite sweet comedy bit…
Nov 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm rating: 0
So she has memorised the order to enable her to write the note, but not to order coffee?
Nov 19, 2011 at 6:50 am rating: 17
Most likely she won’t be passing her exams if she’s up at 3:30am.
Nov 19, 2011 at 8:59 am rating: 3
What about the no-calorie, sugar-free sweetener? You, vending machine company, are discriminating against diabetics! With your illogical, leaving-out-the-artificial-sweetener button layout, you’re going to KILL one of us someday! Our sugar-laden blood will be on YOUR HANDS!
Please change it.
Nov 19, 2011 at 9:03 am rating: 18
I’m going to take this PAN opportunity to continue my coffee-room-at-work survey. Did you like coffee the first time you tried it? If not, why the hell did you keep drinking it? Seriously, I want to know.
Nov 19, 2011 at 9:24 am rating: 7
OT, but that question could also be applied to cigarettes.
On-topic: I’m pretty sure I thought coffee was bitter and gross the first time I had it, but that buzz kept me coming back. Now I drink it with a bit of steamed milk for sweetener/to cut down on that bitter coffee taste.
I keep drinking it because it has become part of my morning routine. Wake up, make coffee, eat breakfast, head to class. I could stop whenever I want, but it would probably give me a headache for a few days.
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm rating: 1
Sadly, I enjoyed my first cigarette, and that was it for the next 32 years. It’s been seven years since I quit and I still miss them.
Coffee, on the other hand, tasted untterably vile, so I never felt compelled to learn to like it as I did with broccoli and kale. The first sip was some time back in the seventies, and when my husband inadvertently passed me his coffee rather than my tea when he came out of Timmies, I literally did a spit-take. Gah! How vile. How can anyone enjoy drinking this? Henceforth the curiosity.
Nov 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm rating: 3
They suckered me with their delicious coffee-flavored ice cream and such, then coffee with sugar and cream. By the end of high school, I was taking it black.
Nov 20, 2011 at 6:41 pm rating: 7
I’m with Jimmy James. When I first started drinking coffee, I was taking it with so much cream and sugar it was more like candy than coffee. I liked the flavor and I liked the pick-me-up. Now I do a little Splenda and a lot of milk, and I’ll do without the Splenda before the milk. (Coffee sans milk is too acidic for my stomach, especially if it is strong coffee).
I didn’t become a coffee addict until I started working full time with a long commute, when coffee was the only thing standing between me and falling asleep at the keyboard.
It is natural for the palate to change as we grow older, especially as we transition from childhood to adulthood. A common change is to lose the desire to intensely sweet things and to start to like more complex flavors. Coffee fits the bill and it is not surprising that most people pick up the habit in early adulthood.
Nov 21, 2011 at 9:59 am rating: 2
I used to do a little, but a little wouldn’t do, so the little got more and more. I just keep trying to get more awake, said more awake than before.
We’ve been dancing with Mr. Brownbrew, he’s been knocking, he won’t leave me alone.
Nov 21, 2011 at 10:09 am rating: 2
Dr. Frank Knight
“I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.”
Nov 19, 2011 at 10:53 am rating: 8
Actually black coffee would keep you up better! The sugar would cause a spike in insulin which in turn would actually make the user more sleepy. The caffeine in the black coffee with the lack of sugar should be a good way to wake the student up and function for the exam.
So, in review:
Quit your whining and read the instructions next time!
Nov 19, 2011 at 11:12 am rating: 15
for extra credit
RTFI or* ( STFU or** FOAD)
* inclusive “or”
** exclusive “or”
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm rating: 1
1. Always read the fucking instructions.
2. Order of “options” (i.e. optional stuff) may go by order of popularity in terms of the applicable demographic.
3. Depending on the vending machine, lots of other reasons may exist for that scheme (such as there being an option not to choose options, thereby the third press allowing one to reset their option for sugar to “no sugar”).
Nov 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm rating: 5
Nov 19, 2011 at 7:17 pm rating: 0
Nov 19, 2011 at 7:18 pm rating: 0
I wonder how much of her limited (and presumably valuable) wakey time was spent writing this over-long complaint instead of studying, or fishing between couch cushions for another 50p.
Nov 19, 2011 at 9:25 pm rating: 8
Nov 20, 2011 at 9:20 am rating: 0
Maybe she could get a job designing these machines. Replace the list of coffee options buttons with a simple “Vennd” diagram?
Nov 21, 2011 at 4:05 am rating: 8
I think that she was just really upset that there was no Coffee-Mate.
Understandable as it would have eaten through her stomach lining, allowing her to postpone her exams.
Nov 21, 2011 at 8:04 am rating: 4
If there is one thing we’ve learned with PAN, it is this:
Do not mess with the coffee. The caffeine addicts will cut you down without hesitation to reach that bitter elixir of life just the way they like it.
Nov 21, 2011 at 10:04 am rating: 4
Starbucks is reportedly going the Canter’s Deli route and naming
new coffee concoctions after celebrities famous and infamous.
The newly developed Charles Colson Cappuccino is so good that you would walk over your own grandmother for just a tall (small) one.
Nov 21, 2011 at 10:30 am rating: 1
Finally! We have the answer to the high rates of unemployment and intellectual drain in this country. It is the fault of illogically laid out buttons on coffee vending machines. Thank you!
Nov 21, 2011 at 11:07 am rating: 4
Maybe the machine was built in a country where they read the reverse direction (like Japan).
And then, to be extra intuitive, they added the extra sugar first, because most people (except me) would like that.
Nov 21, 2011 at 1:03 pm rating: 0
The order of the coffee choices is perfectly logical – it is in order of popularity: coffee with sugar, coffee with more sugar, coffee with no sugar. Who the hell orders vending machine coffee with no sugar? It’s already gag-inducing with sugar or extra sugar. So, the least popular choice is last.
Nov 21, 2011 at 2:19 pm rating: 3
I hope the vending machine dude changes it for her. Then I hope she gets hunted down by all the other users who get tripped up when the perfectly logical order is suddenly rearranged.
Nov 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm rating: 2
Coffee machine *was* the test.
Nov 21, 2011 at 10:57 pm rating: 7
what a bellend
Nov 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm rating: 0
That WAS your exam!!! You didn’t read the options first so you just failed. Go ahead and start applying to flip burgers!!!!
Nov 27, 2011 at 7:40 am rating: 0
But, professor, I *meant* Option C.
Dec 20, 2011 at 3:00 pm rating: 0
Ah, this is in the library at my university! I thought I recognised it, those comment sheets are always brilliant.
Dec 28, 2011 at 11:37 am rating: 0
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?