Joe in Berkeley doesn’t know who this note was intended for, but it showed up on his porch sometime after Thanksgiving dinner.
related: The Pooper Stooper
FILED UNDER: dogs · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · shit
That’s a real threat there – a pack of Huskies that have eaten chili and broccoli? Good Lord….
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm rating: 21
Think so? I’d have thought ravenous Huskies who’ve been starved for 2 days would be a bit more intimidating. (Any longer than 2 days, they start to get weak and they’re useless as attack dogs.)
Um… I’ve heard.
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm rating: 20
The point is though to have dogs that crap all over the place. And huskies are big dogs and therefore crap big.
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm rating: 3
Glad you cleared that up Jamie;I was confused.
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm rating: 11
Huskies don’t crap. Huskies shit.
Nov 29, 2011 at 10:35 pm rating: 9
Nov 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm rating: 2
I really thought that this was going to come to an”or I’ll kick your ass” ending.
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm rating: 5
It’s Berkeley, Nunavut!
Nov 29, 2011 at 6:36 am rating: 3
Nov 29, 2011 at 11:00 am rating: 9
Right, even the dogs are vegan. (No one said that was MEAT “chilli”.)
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:19 pm rating: 4
I wonder if those were indoor or outdoor dogs?
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm rating: 0
To which language does “Brroo” belong?
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm rating: 37
Surfer or poorly-spelling tea drinker??
Nov 29, 2011 at 12:51 am rating: 8
“Brroo” is Husky-speak. We have a Malamute mix, and she doesn’t bark, but that sounds very much like one of her vocalizations. We also call it “woo-wooing.”
Nov 29, 2011 at 11:52 am rating: 9
“Brroo” LMAO. Yeah, I can see this dumbass sparking fear into anyone’s heart.
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm rating: 12
Brroo? Even Google doesn’t know what that is! And it sounds like someone might have a legit complaint if you are feeding your dog broccoli and chili. Why? Because you know it causes terrible… um… dumping problems and that knowledge can only be obtained one way. Oh, and if it’s his yard, it’s his castle. So he might not be the sheriff, but he is the king. Just be grateful he didn’t have you drawn and quartered.
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm rating: 29
come at me, brroo!
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm rating: 35
but, don’t taze me, brroo….
Nov 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm rating: 33
Your comment satisfied me.
Nov 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm rating: 8
cool story, brroo
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:53 am rating: 9
Maybe it is supposed to be “Baroo” like in LOLspeak? It describes the sound when a dog cocks their head to side at a an angle as if they are trying to understand something?
You know, that still doesn’t make any sense. Nevermind.
Nov 29, 2011 at 6:25 am rating: 2
I hate Dog Shit Sheriffs. I used to live in Astoria, Queens and got that shit all the time. I’d be walking my dog, by the CURB not on people’s lawns and old ladies and men would yell at me from their windows or come running out. It was virtually always old people. I get that there are irresponsible people out there, I see the dog shit on the ground too but don’t yell at me, I’m curbing my dog and I ALWAYS pick it up.
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:04 pm rating: 23
When I was a kid it was the little old ladies in our neighborhood who’d have their dogs poop in others’ yards. They’re excuse was that they were too old to pick up after their dog. So they’d have the dog poop in neighbors’ yards and leave it for the neighbors to pick up.
Now it’s just irresponsible pet owners. Even though there’s coyotes who’d be happy to kill and eat their dogs and cats, people still let them out to wander the neighborhood to crap where they please. Then they get all upset when Fido and Fluffy don’t come home. Either because a car hit them or a coyote made them into dinner.
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:11 pm rating: 9
You seem mistaken in thinking that letting your dog shit on someone else’s property is ever OK, whether or not it’s immediately cleaned up. Your dog shits in your own yard. If you don’t have a yard, you also don’t have enough space to responsibly own a dog.
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:10 pm rating: 23
Alvis, I second everything but the last sentence. I would change it to “If you can’t use a plastic baggie, you aren’t responsible enough to own a dog.”
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:52 pm rating: 10
Actually, I’m pretty sure Alvis meant that picking up after your dog doesn’t always make it ok either. He’s probably thinking about the residue that might remain even after the baggie has been used. I actually kinda understand this aversion even though I’m a dog owner, myself, and always pick up as much as I possbly can with a plastic bag. This is why I usually walk my dogs at night. So Alvis won’t know it was MY dogs that had diarrhea all over his lawn.
Nov 29, 2011 at 4:05 pm rating: 7
Oh, one other thing. Having my own yard doesn’t help. The mutts need more exercise than just standing in the yard. And no matter how many times I let them out in my own yard before our walk, they ALWAYS manage to save a little something for the neighbors.
Nov 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm rating: 9
Pretty much – I just don’t understand this god-given right dog owners feel that it’s OK to let their animals go wherever they please.
I know wild animals do their business all over the place, but that’s not the point; no other animal owners place the burden of accepting their pets’ waste on society. I don’t want a dog taking a piss against my tree any more than I want its owner doing so, and it boggles my mind that one’s more accepted than the other.
If you get a cat, you buy a litter box. If you want a dog, I don’t see why you also shouldn’t be responsible for having a place on your own property where it can do its business.
Nov 29, 2011 at 11:52 pm rating: 19
Alvis, understand your concerns. I do. However, when I am walking my dogs I don’t really have total control of when they throw themselves into the “Purina Point” position. I have trained them that when I say “hurry up” I want them to poop, but that doesn’t always coincide with when they decide they need to. Additionally, I can witness them taking a dump in their (my) yard and immediately throw a leash on and take them for a walk, and much like Pooper Scooper said, they always save some. Actually, I think a nice walk makes things move… as it were. When we have a dog campaigning, we often take them on a bicycle and let me tell you the last thing I ever want is for them to suddenly turn themselves into a 60+lb anchor, but that doesn’t stop it from happening almost every. single. time.
Our rule is to always take (n x 2)+1 poop bags, where n= number of dogs. So if we are walking 2 dogs, we need 5 bags. This way we can be sure to always have enough bags to scoop. We also always try to have them dump in the street, but again, even though our dogs are highly trained in many things, there is a degree of “it’s a critter” that we can only do our best.
*shrug* It’s life. You probably do things in the world that annoy me.
Nov 30, 2011 at 8:37 am rating: 20
I know who the note’s intended for, it says right at the start! It’s for Mr. Cranky. (Last name Pants.)
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm rating: 11
Close – but alas, no cigar, FeRD.
Actually, the note IS for Mr. Cranky, but as is correctly disclosed further on, toward the end of the letter, his first name is obviously “Broo.”
You know – Broo Cranky? Member him?? Reckon I’m purdy durned certain he was that there real quiet pale skinny guy in To Kill a Mockingbird who saved Scout and her brother from an untimely end as they walked home in the dark from the school program that night…
Old Broo Cranky definitely showed a lot of talent. I seen him in many big films after that one, always a force to be reckoned with. I’d say that threatening a guy like Broo Cranky would be the kind of mistake you wouldn’t find yourself making twice.
I hope the notewriter has a healthy respect for Broo Cranky’s rep, but I’m afeared he may not. And I reckon he best be preparing himself for a reckonin of his own, at the hands of Broo Cranky – the real and truly Dog Shit Sheriff of Berkeley
Nov 29, 2011 at 3:16 am rating: 15
Mr. Nathan! Mr. Broo! Mad Dog’s comin’! Mad Dog’s comin’!
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm rating: 2
Scout ships report a Jem’Hadar intrusion at Deep Space Atticus…
use projectile weapons only…absolutely no knives or swords !
Nov 29, 2011 at 6:26 pm rating: 2
Aw shucks, Mrs. B… you sure are smart!
Well, at least I was close. And cigars are stinky, anyway!
Nov 29, 2011 at 11:35 pm rating: 1
The Dog Shit Sheriff of Berkeley? Isn’t that an HBO show?
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:14 pm rating: 31
Correctamundo, Rattus…and a spin-off has already been spawned…
Syfy and Animal Planet are partnering on Plan K-Nine from Outer Space
Nov 28, 2011 at 5:26 pm rating: 7
Is Dog:The Bounty Hunter on Bravo or A&E?
Nov 29, 2011 at 12:54 am rating: 1
No, The Dog Shit Sheriff of Berkeley is a segment on Faux Noise, Brroo Crinkly (sic) hosts it.
Nov 29, 2011 at 7:48 pm rating: 1
I love when people clearly in the wrong try to rationalize.
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:19 pm rating: 46
I love it when people who are clearly rational try to be wrong.
Nov 29, 2011 at 7:49 pm rating: 2
pretty cool statement, may i borrow it please to place it on my blog?
Nov 29, 2011 at 10:57 pm rating: 0
What with software tycoons and all, I thought the Univ. of Washington athletic department alumni contributions were doing well.
Now varsity squads have to hire out as transport muscle (muscularis externa) to safeguard vigilante victims as far South as the SF Bay Area ?
Well, at least when the inevitable topical Law & Order episode dealing with these incidents shows up on your tube, the detectives recycling the
phrase “dump job” will be re-purposing it too.
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm rating: 3
Y’know, infant tyrone, I never have any freaking clue what you are going on about. None.
Nov 28, 2011 at 10:53 pm rating: 26
Not trying to be cryptic, SJ…would it have helped if you had known that the UofW teams are “Huskies” (the dog breed mentioned in the note) ???
I’m not especially interested in adding footnotes, but if you ask what something means I’ll tell you…I’m hoping the Law & Order reference wasn’t too obscure…it’s a pretty widely distributed group of shows.
Nov 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
It’s an urbane warfare exercise!
Nov 29, 2011 at 12:58 am rating: 2
How would software tycoons make the local college’s sports team good? Wouldn’t they be donating their money toward academics, you know, the part of university that people can actually take into the real world?
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:44 am rating: 1
Gates & Allen alone have donated tons.
I know Allen is sort of a WSU alum, but he does own the Seahawks
and Trail Blazers. so donating to the Huskies isn’t out of the question.
Apropos #9.1 above, there used to be a satiric take on “Mockingbird”…
imagine it as Bill Gates singing a lullaby to his daughter.
Hush, little baby. don’t say a word
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird
And if that mockingbird don’t sing
Daddy’s gonna buy you…oh, I don’t know…France ?
Nov 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm rating: 0
Aren’t Berkeley people supposed to be smart or something?
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm rating: 4
Nov 28, 2011 at 3:56 pm rating: 18
Only at the university, and that’s technically not part of the city, because it’s a state-run institution.
Nov 28, 2011 at 7:58 pm rating: 0
state-run institution* or something**…
* see 13.2
** see 13.1
Nov 29, 2011 at 12:08 am rating: 0
I shit the sheriff,
But I did not dump the deputy…
Oh, come on, someone had to do it.
Nov 28, 2011 at 4:14 pm rating: 68
Mr H. Dillon’s been done in…Chester’s in ICU
One perp’s confessed, another’s on the loo-se
We’re off to Dodge City, Watson…the game’s afoot !
Dr W. No shit, Sherlock.
Nov 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm rating: 2
shwo!, I like the cut of your Carib!!
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:01 am rating: 0
The “brroo” or “baroo” only makes sense if you replace “Dog” with “Human”.
Nov 28, 2011 at 4:34 pm rating: 1
I thought that it had a Scooby Doo (how appropriate) sound to it. Anyone know if the dog was a Great Dane and if the neighbor has a big appetite and a scraggly goatee?
Nov 28, 2011 at 5:14 pm rating: 3
I think what happened here is the notes got mixed up. This note-receiver’s wife had yelled at him for picking her flowers and was meant to receive a similarly crafted note threatening to send cats with pruning sheers over. I think everyone who writes all their threatening notes on the same day of the week has run into this problem at least once. Amiright or amiright?
Nov 28, 2011 at 4:41 pm rating: 4
I was thinking more on the lines of Ninja Owls, a bazaar of them.
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:41 pm rating: 0
It sounds like this person doesn’t pick up their own dog shit in which I’d have to say fffff fuck you dude, pick up your dogs stinky ass shit you irresponsible and uncaring dog owner.
Nov 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm rating: 30
Man,when the dog whisperer gets pissed,he really gets pissed.
Nov 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm rating: 6
I got two words for you and its not Merry Xmas
Nov 28, 2011 at 7:26 pm rating: 4
The really petty part of me thinks this guy needs my toddler’s potty emptied on his lawn. Not that I would ever do such a thing, but I would really want to.
Nov 28, 2011 at 8:02 pm rating: 2
Why didn’t he say all that when he was face to face with Mr. Cranky?
Nov 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm rating: 14
Does the note writer have split personalities? It looks like the note is in at least 2 different handwritings.
Nov 28, 2011 at 8:59 pm rating: 2
The slightly better handwriting is Dog’s.
Nov 29, 2011 at 10:02 am rating: 9
had to have a couple of shits of Jagger to come up with the courage, brroo, to actually finish the note AND leave it on yer porch.
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:28 pm rating: 2
♫♪ I shit the sheriff, but I did not shit the deputy…woo woo woooooo! I shit the sheriff, but I swear it was in self defense! ♪♫
Nov 28, 2011 at 11:54 pm rating: 4
that is so self defecating…er self depreciating.
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:26 pm rating: 6
Yeah, next time you scold me for letting my dog crap on your lawn you’re going to feel my wrath.
This time you’ll feel the force of my angry letter.
“Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” only works if you’ve been exposed to gamma rays.
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:06 am rating: 10
No evidence the note writer lets his dog shit everywhere. He may have been wrongfully accused by the sheriff.
That being said, his response in the way of that letter is shitty. He should have had the balls to settle his beef with the neighbour face to face, man to man. To write such a letter does not seem manly to me.
What a tit.
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:31 am rating: 2
Brroo. Wasn’t he one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men?
Nov 29, 2011 at 4:42 am rating: 1
I’m going to start signing all my letters “The Dog Shit Sherriff of Berkeley”.
Nov 29, 2011 at 6:26 am rating: 4
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm rating: 0
I shit the sheriff,
But I swear it was in self defence
Nov 29, 2011 at 6:34 am rating: 0
What a big tough guy, writing a strongly-worded letter in defense of his imaginary girlfriend, all because he’s too lazy to take five seconds and pick up his own dog’s crap.
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:41 am rating: 16
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:41 am rating: 1
I hope Joe finds this guy and lets him know that his aggression is misplaced. I’d hate to have the broccoli/chili poop lawn when it wasn’t even my fault.
Nov 29, 2011 at 11:55 am rating: 1
If I see your dog pooping in my yard again, throwing the crap at you may might make me feel like a Big Responsible Boy.
Nov 29, 2011 at 1:08 pm rating: 11
that is one long ass piece of paper.
Nov 29, 2011 at 4:51 pm rating: 2
I think it’s from a roll of TP, write a little, read it, then, wipe it away and flush (or compost as is the Berkeley ilk) it away.
Nov 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm rating: 0
Heeyy brroo, leemmmeee aloonnee aboouut myy doogg’s shiitt.
Nov 29, 2011 at 5:22 pm rating: 2
Well, it takes a strong person who can be confronted, go home and then pen such a letter. Where were the balls to say any of this DURING the initial confrontation? And then leaving the note, rather than knocking on the door? Broo indeed, tough guy.
Nov 29, 2011 at 5:27 pm rating: 0
Clearly the dog to go on the chilli and broccoli binge would be a Saint Bernard, ever see how fast they eat? How much bigger than a baggie one would need to pick that load up? Think coal shovel and appliance plastic. Or perhaps a Great Pyrenees….6 coal shovels to one, 6 coal shovels worth to the other.
(p.s. I grew up with St. B’s, I speak the trooth (sic) brroooo)
Nov 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm rating: 0
“Otherwise, don’t speak tome.”
Tome is the newest discovery in languages, I take it?
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm rating: 2
Or he is confusing the culprit of being Mel Torme?
Nov 29, 2011 at 8:43 pm rating: 1
If he’s confusing the culprit with The Velvet Fog, he’s missing a comma.
And quite a bit more…but it is Berzerkeley…
Nov 29, 2011 at 9:23 pm rating: 0
I think the note writer is guilty of not picking up his dog’s poop, because he doesn’t *deny* doing anything wrong in his note.
Dec 1, 2011 at 12:48 pm rating: 1
BBQ sauce mixed with Xylitol-sweetened syrup poured on the craps will take care of the problem.
Dec 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm rating: 0
— The Elf
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You call that punctuation?