Entries from November 2011

You’re a good student, but not my best speller

November 23rd, 2011 · 69 Comments

Writes Mrs. McMahon in Melbourne, Australia: “One of the students in my class decided to make a a big card for World Teachers Day and have it signed by all her peers in our grade. When I read this message, I could not stop laughing.”

Dear Mrs. McMahon, Your [sic] a good teacher, but not my most favourite.

related: Teacher appreciation letters from first graders

Tags: Australia · kids · Melbourne · schools & teachers · your/you're

Soda stealers are the lowest forms of life!

November 22nd, 2011 · 66 Comments

The subtle version (from Denver, Colorado):

If you change your mind from water to soft drink, we will gladly assist you at the register.

And the not-so-subtle version (spotted by Ariana in Boulder, Colorado):

FREE REFILLS if you purchase a soda at the cash register, otherwise... ATTENTION: Soda stealers are the lowest form of life! If we catch you, we will break you down mentally and ridicule you in front of your friends. FAIR WARNING: Stop Stealing Soda. -Sorry - Deb

related: Is it really worth $1.59 to spend eternity in one of the lower kingdoms?

extra credit: Coke, Sprite, or Ice-T

Tags: beverages · Boulder · Colorado · Denver · restaurant · stealing

Your Ultra Charmin Neighbor

November 21st, 2011 · 61 Comments

Writes our submitter in Philadelphia: “In our apartment building, packages are left by the block of mailboxes, relatively near where your individual mailbox is. I’ve never had a problem, but apparently not everyone was so lucky…this sign was on every floor of the building.”

Dear whoever stole my Amazon package: I can understand your need for 30 rolls of toilet paper considering you're a huge asshole. Enjoy, Your Friendly Neighbor

related: I hope your cat chokes.

Tags: most popular notes of 2011 · neighbors · Philadelphia · stealing · toilet paper

This vending machine ruined my life!

November 18th, 2011 · 94 Comments

Ah, first world problems.

The coffee vending machine gives coffee options in the order

(Spotted by Kim in Manchester, U.K.)

related: My query on the egg salad ban

Tags: college life · Manchester · U.K. · vending machine drama

Welcome to “Real America”

November 17th, 2011 · 123 Comments

Reports Barb in Las Vegas: “A woman in our office, originally from the Philippines, just got her citizenship. Our often inappropriate receptionist wrote this note on her card.”

Congrats on being a 'real American' now! No more climbing over barbed wire in the nite!

Yes, that really does say “no more climbing over barbed wire in the nite.” Adds Barb: “She also printed lyrics from West Side Story in giant font and hung them in the area where we had celebratory cake. So odd!”

I like to be in America! OK by me in America! Ev'rythin free in America. For a small fee in America!

related: America the not-so-beautiful

Tags: Comic Sans Alert · Las Vegas · misplaced patriotism · office · oh no you didn't · WTF?

Welcome to the new employee breakroom!

November 16th, 2011 · 16 Comments

Apparently only the not-so-valuable employees get banished to this closet, as spotted by Lindsey in Kansas.

(Psst, Savanna! You might want to check this place out.)

Broom closet. No valuables. Employees only!

Meanwhile, Kristi in Oregon noticed that inner peace is apparently not on the menu for the general public at this vegetarian restaurant.

The Door to Inner Peace: EMPLOYEES ONLY!

related: The Sushi Nazi

Tags: Kansas · not so much passive-aggressive · restaurant

Hover & Flow(chart)

November 15th, 2011 · 131 Comments

Writes Erica in New York: “I don’t think this woman is aware that the aggressive automatic flush makes water splash all over the toilet seats…but she’s obviously very angry.”

When you pee, do you squat and hover over the toilet seat?

related: Coffee pot flowchart

Tags: etiquette · flow chart · most popular notes of 2011 · New York · office · piss · toilet

The Toilet Paper Manifesto

November 14th, 2011 · 90 Comments

When four people share one bathroom, true equity in toilet-paper purchasing is nearly impossible to come by without conflict.

Just take a look at the opening salvo issued at Laura’s apartment in Georgia:

Clearly, you use the bathroom, which means that you use the 12 rolls of toilet paper I bought a week ago. And you bought 4. Really? Is this okay in the eyes of baby Jesus? Equality is important in today's society. Do you know who doesn't like equality? TERRORISTS. TERRORISTS DO NOT LIKE EQUALITY.

…and the first response:

I've started using my own toilet paper. Sorry for any confusion.

Your move, “Scott.”

related: Five approaches to TP maintenance

Tags: college life · Georgia · gloriously redundant · Jesus · p.s. · rebuttals · roommates · signed with love · smartass · toilet paper · visual aids

XXX, Mum

November 12th, 2011 · 88 Comments

James in the U.K. recently came home from football practice to discover that, in his absence, his mother had gotten a peek at his Internet browser history (“full of…well, I’m 15, I’m sure you can guess.”) As cool as his mum was about the whole thing, says James, “I still don’t know if I’ll be able to look her in the face for a while.”

Dear James, Yes, your laptop HAS been used - I couldn't find my charger. Sorry. P.S: You should probably delete your search history - your Gran would be shocked. P.P.S: You know Internet Explorer has a mode for stuff like that, it's called Incognito Mode, I think. Happy viewing! Lots of love, Mum. XOXO

Dear James, Yes, your laptop HAS been used - I couldn't find my charger. Sorry. P.S: You should probably delete your search history - your Gran would be shocked. P.P.S: You know Internet Explorer has a mode for stuff like that, it's called Incognito Mode, I think. Happy viewing! Lots of love, Mum. XOXO

“Happy viewing”? Nicely played, Mum.

related: “Sweetie, I saw that Walgreens is having a sale on jumbo-sized rubbers, so of course I thought of you!”

Tags: "helpful" advice · Mother-son notes · Oops? · p.s. · sex sex sex · signed with love · U.K. · xoxo

If a tree falls in my kitchen but I don’t know where the broom is located…

November 10th, 2011 · 81 Comments

Savanna in Michigan says her landlord left this note on the kitchen floor “next to a tiny pile of tiny scraps of trash on the floor from dinner I had made.” Her excuse? “I don’t think we even have a broom, and if we do I have no idea where he keeps it.”

Um, Savanna, honey? No. Just…no.

The question I'm asking myself...

related: That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

Tags: anthropomorphism · cleaning · landlords and property managers · Michigan · signed with love