So…atheists shop for free?

December 8th, 2011 · 43 comments

Spotted by Analee at Houston’s annual Nutcracker Market, “a holiday shopping wonderland“…

This business belonds to God. If you steal from us you are stealing from Him. It's much cheaper to pay our price than His. Thanks!

related: No, He uses Vaseline.

FILED UNDER: God · guilt trip · Houston · retail hell · stealing


43 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Minmi

    So … god pays the taxes, et cetera?

    Dec 8, 2011 at 11:06 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Palomon

      Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 12:52 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Egg McMuppet

      You mean that leafy crown thing he wears on his head?

      Dec 9, 2011 at 1:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Nunavut Guy

      Croutons on the side please.

      Dec 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   infant tyrone bang

      …no anchovies ?
      Sorry, I spell my name D-A-N-G-E-R !!

      Dec 10, 2011 at 2:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Daniel

    Please say this is an adult bookstore ….

    Dec 8, 2011 at 11:16 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   The Elf

      By the same logic as this PAN, God made those too.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 7:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Sesquipedalian

    “Freely you have received, freely give” – Jesus, Matthew 10:8b

    Dec 8, 2011 at 11:28 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Jami

      “Thou shalt not steal” – the Ten Commandments.

      Dec 10, 2011 at 8:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Nunavut Guy

      “I’m on my to happiness today”- The Commitments.

      Dec 10, 2011 at 1:22 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    Every little Mom and Pop thinks they’re Walmart nowadays.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 12:04 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    See? That’s the problem…God’s prices are too high and he’s being undercut in the market.

    He needs to have a tithing sale, maybe 30% off for the holidays, or a 101 virgin offer…something to get the consumers excited about what the church is trying to sell them.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 12:07 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   kermit

      Well, I think the Pope was rumored to (seriously) start allowing the sale indulgences again. Or whatever those “get out of hell free” permission slips are called.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 2:18 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Canthz_B bang

      Everything old is new again. Maybe if they include 101 virgins along with the indulgences this thing could take off.
      Priests could opt for 101 little boys to get them to buy in.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 7:13 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   kermit

      But wait don’t the Muslims have dibs on the virgin racket, CB? Granted they supposedly only give you 75, but maybe they’re much prettier and have oral fixations.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 4:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   meh

    Papyrus means this is clearly God’s business.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 1:00 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Comic Sans is for the devil’s work.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 7:47 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   twhit

      Just in case somebody hasn’t seen it, though it’s worth a rewatch if you have:
      I’m Comic Sans, Asshole – on Vimeo http://bit.ly/sicZfl

      Dec 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Mrs.Beasley bang

    Sincerely yours,

    Carrie White’s Mother

    Dec 9, 2011 at 1:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   fnuh

    If god exists, I’m going to hell anyway.

    You have no power over me.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 2:54 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   SilentPsycho

      *Gives fnuh a snowy owl*

      Dec 9, 2011 at 6:13 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Nahhh bang

    Just another retailer trying to get religious non-profit status so they can use PayPal’s “Donate” button.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 6:06 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Dr. Frank Knight

    Such shameless Name dropping!

    Dec 9, 2011 at 6:19 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    In a strange way this makes sense.
    God as Creator becomes a Job Creator here, so worship your boss or go to unemployment hell.

    But then, if the business you work for, the one that pays you money, is owned by God, and money is the root of all evil, does that mean that God uses evil to support and control the workers?

    God’s one crafty SOB.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 7:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Lobalt

      The LOVE of money is the root of all evil, not the money itself.

      Dec 10, 2011 at 6:41 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   wooddoug

      GOD can’t be an SOB. MOFO maybe, POS perhaps. At least these two are in the realm of cosmic possibility. While this topic is not specifically covered in Judith Martin’s Handbook of Cursing, it’s just common sense.

      Dec 10, 2011 at 8:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Canthz_B bang

      Love of God is a root of evil. None of the 9-11 highjackers did it for money, but they believed they’d be rewarded by Alla in the hereafter.

      Dec 11, 2011 at 1:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   logos

      I believe what you refer to is idolatry.

      Dec 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Canthz_B bang

      No, not idolatry. I refer to an irrational belief in an almighty superior being.
      One you’ve never seen, not even idolized form (you want to believe that Man is made in God’s image? Fine. Tell me why God needs arms, legs, hair, testicles…especially these because the only baby He made he didn’t use them?), yet you believe He exists just because that belief gives you a way to comfort your pains and allay your fears…without even realizing that you’ve used that belief to comfort your own pains and to allay your own fears.

      Then you go to a church, temple, etc. and pay them for what you do for yourself of your own volition all because you’re afraid of death.

      Dec 12, 2011 at 11:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   infanttyrone

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPOfurmrjxo

      Dec 13, 2011 at 12:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    God knows all and sees all, but needs really good security cameras to combat theft.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 7:40 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   The Elf

      … and one little passive aggressive note.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 7:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   emcd

      “Violators will be smitten on site”

      Dec 9, 2011 at 8:47 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   aliceblue

      Violators will be afflicted with boils and a plague of locust.

      Dec 9, 2011 at 9:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Pit Pat

    Perhaps we need to remind God about the “reason for the season.” I swear (a lot), Christmas has gotten so f*cking commercialized. I mean, really – God is selling nutcrackers now? WTF?

    Dec 9, 2011 at 8:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   DD

    I use to belong to a gym whose owner was a very pushy Christian. You signed a years contract and if you wanted to get out of it early he would refuse because his “silent partner wouldn’t allow it”. Turns out he ran the gym by himself and his “silent partner” was God.

    Where did he get his reasoning? “The body is a temple unto the Lord.”, therefore everyone should be healthy. It’s in the Bible so God wouldn’t agree with you quiting the gym. Although, apparently being a gutless little liar is alright by God.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 1:41 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Nocturnesthesia

      What a smarmy asshole. Normally I’d post something more witty but my brain broke reading that

      Dec 10, 2011 at 12:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   aliceblue

    If God owns the business you’d think that he could spring for a decent sign instead of that raggedy scrap of paper.

    Dec 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Tesselara

    Do they donate their profits to the church? Does God come down on a golden stair (spiral of course), and collect the cash box every day? In what way does this business belong to God? I’m guessing that the proprietor has some minor identity issues.

    Dec 10, 2011 at 5:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   aaa bang

    Pffft, Judeo-Christian God doesn’t care about that shit. Mithra, Odin, Njörðr, and Freyr, however, are super pissed at the extensive hijacking their holidays have received and are looking for any excuse to unleash their rage.

    Dec 10, 2011 at 12:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Belaani

    WOW!!!!! What is God selling? Does he do free shipping? I want to order my ( gold ) halo right now!!!

    Dec 10, 2011 at 3:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   infant tyrone bang

    Pay your low, low Earthly Price today ?
    Think again, sucker.
    I’m going with the Divine Payment Plan.
    No money down and All Freakin’ Eternity to pay it off…
    Trust me, you don’t have what it takes to be a modern moneychanger.
    Just another Pharisee-wannabe !

    Dec 10, 2011 at 9:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Nunavut Guy

    Vote for me and I’ll be God for free!

    Dec 11, 2011 at 11:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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