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Christmas lights manufactured by a particularly hardcore Elf on the Shelf

December 13th, 2011 · 48 comments

Angela and her father were poking around the local dollar store in Metuchen, New Jersey when we they came across these boxes of Christmas lights.

“We originally thought these vaguely ominous messages were meant to harken back to the ‘true spirit of Christmas’ but these threats don’t exactly engender goodwill toward men,” Angela says. “I don’t know for whom these vaguely ominous messages are really intended, but s/he must have seriously pissed off the manufacturer.”





related: Subliminal self-esteem killers

extra credit: Evil Elf on the Shelf

FILED UNDER: Christmas · most popular notes of 2011 · New Jersey · WTF?

48 responses so far ↓

  • #1   thurs

    lol wtf!

    Dec 13, 2011 at 7:23 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #2   Andthen

    Trisonic: The brightest!

    (Doing anything for yourself will lead to death.)

    Dec 13, 2011 at 7:26 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Bec

      Being alive will eventually lead to death, Merry Christmas!!!

      Dec 14, 2011 at 12:18 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #3   FeRD bang

    See, now this makes me understand the 1%. The single best argument for becoming a wealthy & powerful corporate bigwig, is that you get to use your entire company as a vehicle for whatever personal feuds or petty aggressions you like!

    Dec 13, 2011 at 7:49 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   zenvelo

      That’s like the bible passages on the In-n-Out burger wrappers.

      Dec 13, 2011 at 8:13 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   FeRD bang

      Or Dr. Bronner’s entire product line!

      (Nearly. Now that the good doctor has left us, looks like they’re offering some newer products in crazypants-ranting-free packaging. Guess they figured nobody could live up to his high standard. Fortunately, on all the older products, the densely-lettered screeds remain!)

      Dec 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Paul Johnson

      I once stood in the shower so long it ran completely cold having gotten distracted by the text on the Dr. Bronner’s bottle. I think they should keep they psychoscreed ravings on the bottle…they could even use it as advertising. “Dr. Bronner’s Mint Castile Soap. This stuff will get you CRAZY Clean!”

      Dec 13, 2011 at 11:52 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   thrall

      I saw some duck eggs in the Asian market last week. Says the packaging—”Healthy and Appetizing, Nutritious and Tasty, No Lead Added.” Is that a similar thing???

      Dec 14, 2011 at 1:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   The Elf

      Makes you wonder about those tasty leaded duck eggs.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:53 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #4   shwo! bang

    Trisonic: If you make others wait for the dryer, your laundry will suffer the consequences.

    Dec 13, 2011 at 7:53 pm   rating: 54  small thumbs up

  • #5   Sesquipedalian

    Best Quality. Best Services. Best Prices. Disgruntled Copy Editors.

    Dec 13, 2011 at 8:04 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Kittymama

      from the “About Us” page:
      “Above all, we believe that honesty is the best policy for doing business with all our customers.” Brutal, brutal honesty.

      from the “Replacements” page:
      “The warranty is void if unit is tampered with, improperly installed, or subject to misuse, negligence, or accidental damage.” Or if user focuses narrowly on himself or sacrifices others.

      from “Terms and Conditions”:
      “We apologize for occasional back orders.” We all make mistakes, especially with prices this CRAZY!

      Dec 19, 2011 at 8:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #6   quat

    I don’t think I’d feel comfortable asking my husband to hang those lights up for me. Sounds like it might be the last request I’d ever ask of him.

    Dec 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

  • #7   taosaur

    Buddhist aphorisms badly translated FTWTF!

    Dec 13, 2011 at 8:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   FeRD bang

      Is that what those are? I assume they’d be recognizable to most people familiar with the original Chinese versions, then?

      Huh. That makes zenvelo’s (#3.1) In-n-Out comparison even righter! Kinda sucks some of the crazy out of it, tho. :(

      Dec 13, 2011 at 8:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   CdnGinger

      I thought something similar. These sounded like weirdly translated fortune-cookie messages.

      Dec 13, 2011 at 9:06 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Chinchillazilla

      Yeah, I think we’ve all gotten at least one vaguely unsettling fortune cookie like this.

      Dec 13, 2011 at 9:08 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   The Elf

      And the old fortune cookie joke of adding “in bed” still works.

      “People are wrong to narrowly focus on themselves – in bed.”

      “If you sacrifice others for yourself, you will suffer the consequences – in bed.”

      So true, philosphical Christmas lights box. So true.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:55 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   howquaint bang

      My favorite bad fortune cookie: Your greatest flaw could be your stupidity.
      In bed.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 10:29 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   The Elf

      My favorite was “You are good with animals.”

      In bed?

      Dec 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   Palomon

      “That lump is cancer.”

      Apologies to P&T

      Dec 14, 2011 at 11:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.8   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      I don’t think it does suck any of the crazy out of it, FeRD. Being very very old and very very popular does not make crazy ideas less crazy. If Buddhism didn’t exist and I invented it, you’d call me a nut; and rightly so.

      Dec 16, 2011 at 5:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #7.9   logos

      The fact that you think Buddhism consists of crazy ideas makes me want to call you a nut, and rightly so.

      Dec 17, 2011 at 6:43 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #8   qua

    I see they moved the fortune cookie person again, this time to the lights dept… Just wait till he get to the plumbing dept ..GO TEAM Trisonic !

    Dec 13, 2011 at 8:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Mrs.Beasley bang

      My apologies, qua… I posted my witty response prior to reading yours. Great minds…

      Dec 13, 2011 at 9:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   qua

      Just consider it Great Minds :) I Do

      Dec 14, 2011 at 7:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   Mrs.Beasley bang

    And somewhere in Beijing, there’s a Fortune Cookie factory trying to figure out why their fortunes now include such wisdom as “Indoor Use Only,” and “If one goes out, the rest stay lit!”

    Dec 13, 2011 at 9:04 pm   rating: 105  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   itsjustahobby


      Dec 14, 2011 at 2:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   unsatisfied

      “If one goes out, the rest stay lit….IN BED!”

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   FeRD bang

      Always been my orgy policy!

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #10   emily

    Quotes from Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book?

    Dec 13, 2011 at 9:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #11   tortie

    Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

    More bulbs of wisdom:
    To see clearly within ourselves is the most difficult thing to do.

    If we use violence to reduce disagreement and conflict, then we must expect violence every day.

    Life is empty if we do nothing to pass the days.

    Doing nothing and idling time away consumes our life.


    Dec 13, 2011 at 10:31 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Dr. Frank Knight

      The first and third quotes are originally from the Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules for Living, apparently.

      Interesting if the bulbs and such are from China.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   arm2008

      So, where are the 2nd and 4th quotes from? Dalai Lama’s 18 rules for living large?

      Dec 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #12   Cassie

    Those Gryffindor lights can go fuck themselves.

    Dec 13, 2011 at 10:34 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #13   aliceblue

    Really people, has no one ever seen Catholic Christmas lights? They are packaged to ensure that you will feel guilty even while you are having fun.

    Dec 13, 2011 at 11:22 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Bec

      The Pope doesn’t allow the Catholic ones to be shrink wrapped. The bonus is you get more lights than the non-catholic ones.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 12:27 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Grant

      They’re all power hungry anyway.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 4:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   The Elf

      Every bulb is sacred.

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:58 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #14   Elhpair

    Seems someone decided to change the lorem ipsum text for the fortune cookies text he just eat.

    Dec 14, 2011 at 6:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #15   jay

    It is like a free fortune cookie…

    Dec 14, 2011 at 9:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   Nina

    “Made in China” explains it all. I imagine the intentions were good, but the actual goodwill of the messages were lost in translation.

    Dec 14, 2011 at 10:56 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #17   Jami

    Well, they are made in China which is a Communist country. So perhaps this is a “take this you capitalist pigs” crack?

    Dec 14, 2011 at 5:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   FeRD bang

      China’s economy is built on our piggy capitalist ways! Exploiting our neurotic materialism by feeding us an endless supply of cheap consumer crap is how they’ve achieved greatness. Doubt they’d want to mess up a good thing. :-)

      Dec 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   infanttyrone

      And if 100 clear bulbs still leave you hungry for enlightenment…

      Dec 14, 2011 at 11:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   Dr. Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      China is still a very poor country; it just so happens that the Chinese government have a lot of capital to throw around. It’s easy for a government to have a lot of money when the government has ALL the money and they keep 70% of their population living below the UN-defined poverty line.

      Dec 16, 2011 at 5:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Mr.Nick

    Probably a photochop. However, Chinese to English translation isn’t exactly perfect.

    I suppose that’s why that junk ends up in the dollar stores and not Wal Mart..

    Dec 18, 2011 at 12:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #19   auroravii

    Made in China. Obviously communist propaganda!

    Dec 29, 2011 at 4:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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