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I Can’t Believe It’s Not (My) Butter

January 15th, 2012 · 29 comments

Tommy in Norway isn’t the only one getting butt-hurt over butter.

From the U.K…

I don't know your name, but you have seen stealing my butter. Put it back in the  fridge or I will lick EVERYTHING.

to Australia…

Beck' s butter: Lisa if you touch it ur dead!!!!

to Ireland…

Stop eating our butter, and anything else that is ours.

it’s beginning to look like this butter crisis might be going global.

Meanwhile, in America…

related: A bitter butter battle

FILED UNDER: butter · licking · stealing

29 responses so far ↓

  • #1   gnurph

    Meh. Wrap a stick of Crisco butter in the wrapper and put it in the fridge…then let folks go at it.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 4:55 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #2   Coco

    Dear UK Butter Owner,

    We used your butter as lube. Do you want it back or would you like to lick it?

    Buttery and Delicious

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:03 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #3   shwo! bang

    I don’t understand the connection between touching butter and being in the DEA.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:04 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Aliceblue

      Perhaps after seeing Paula’s video the DEA declared butter an addictive substance?

      Jan 15, 2012 at 9:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   whatever

      like anyone cared to watch it

      Feb 15, 2012 at 12:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #4   ButterMeUp

    Mm.. the spreadable smoothness of firstness!

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   AuntyBron

    I told my puppy to stop eating my butter so he threw it back up onto the carpet.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   JujuB

    I lol’d at the PD ref. Thanks for brightening my day!

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   Clip Snark

    Who brings butter to work? This is the only condiment I haven’t seen in my work fridge.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 5:26 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   angie

      I have a coworker who makes eggbeaters every morning, and she’s supposed to grease the bowl with butter before nuking them.

      Jan 15, 2012 at 10:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   Melissa

      My co-workers insisted on keeping the butter unrefrigerated in the cabinet. And repeatedly removing any stick of the refrigerated butter to the cabinet.

      Jan 16, 2012 at 5:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   softasbutter

      Butter need not be refrigerated if you use it within several weeks. It doesn’t go rancid quickly. The salt is the key. Butter has been around way longer than refrigeration.

      Jan 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      This discussion has been done to death on a previous PAN.

      Jan 28, 2012 at 8:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #8   juju_skittles

    The threat of someone licking everything – if their fridge is anything like our work fridge – is very unsettling! Imagine licking everything in your work fridge. Ewww! I think I’d threaten something that requires less ick factor if I’m required to actually follow through…

    Jan 15, 2012 at 6:19 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Atheist Scum Unite!

      I’m stuck on this as well, although my mind took it to a somewhat weirder place. Someone threatening that they will “lick everything” if I don’t return their butter? Are these lines from a porno?
      (Enter, Jenna, holding empty container of butter)
      Jenna: “Gosh, Molly, I really am sorry that I used your butter. And now it’s all gone…”
      Molly: “Come here and accept your punishment…”

      No? That’s not weird!

      Jan 17, 2012 at 9:42 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   juju_skittles

      Well, my mind didn’t go there (at least not straight away). But now that you’ve mentioned it, it’s the only way I can read the note in my head now. And it’s much less PA!

      Jan 18, 2012 at 5:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #9   Smokey

    Love the Paula Deen video. I think she just got diagnosed Type 2 diabetic….

    Jan 15, 2012 at 6:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Penultimate

      She was diagnosed in 2008. She’s only informing the public now.

      Jan 18, 2012 at 2:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Kyt

      And, she should have been Vegan way back when as only the Vegan diet has been proven to reverse Diabetes. However, I would argue that those who have a defective Ilium or had stomach surgery should add Fish into their diet (for B12). Dr. Neal Barnard and PCMA doctors proved that the Vegan diet reversed diabetes and resulted in no kidney damage where the control diet had some kidney damage (chicken and fish) and the typical recommended Diabete diet (beef and chicken) had lots of kidney damage. (Heart surgery people should be B12 levels checked as they might not absorb B12 either.)

      Jan 19, 2012 at 7:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   Aliceblue

    So how many people in addition to myself are thinking of nasty things to leave in order to be licked? So far I’ve gotten 1. stinky cheese that really spent 24 hours in my gym shoe, not just smells that way; 2. Sausage balls made with “cat box” sausage; and 3. A Ham sandwich spread with Scotch Bonnet pepper infused mayo.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 9:28 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #11   Pit Pat

    Hey UK note-writer: I took your butter, now keep your promise! I’ll be home all night…

    Jan 15, 2012 at 10:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #12   Poltergeist

    The funniest thing about this post was Tommy in Norway. Fucking hilarious.

    Jan 15, 2012 at 11:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #13   spicytunakitty

    What the bejezus is “extra spreadable” butter?

    Jan 16, 2012 at 9:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   kate

      It’s butter that is extra spreadable………

      It’s butter blended with vegetable oil so you can spread it straight from the fridge.

      Jan 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #14   Dr_Know

    Why is my brain insisting on reading out the last one as Jedward…though admittedly it makes it about 100 x funnier.

    Jan 17, 2012 at 4:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   noble savage bang

    I’ve been reading PAN for a long time.. but this post made me register.

    I love love love the first note. I don’t know why but it made me giggle for about 3 minutes! I just love the threat.

    Jan 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #16   Lorisss

    Irish butter is something to be hoarded, for sure.

    Jan 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #17   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    Food having been licked wouldn’t stop me; if I were squeamish about that sort of thing I would never have kissed anyone, ever. And I’ve kissed over four women in my time.

    Jan 28, 2012 at 8:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   POTUS

    The cow, made out of butter, that’s how I like my irony served.

    Feb 7, 2012 at 12:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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