Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

← Got game? Signed, The Doorman Freezing His Ass Off →

January 24th, 2012 · 59 comments

Shaun in Austin spotted this mysterious complaint in the men’s room at his office. (Apparently all of the males employed there are very, very sensitive.)

FILED UNDER: a little uptight · bathroom · rhetorical question · toilet · toilet paper

59 responses so far ↓

#1 Chad

Sounds like he has some major issues.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:21 pm rating: 90

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- #1.1 Palomon
  
  Major tissues?
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 2:33 am rating: 90
- #1.2 infanttyrone
  
  Tissues issues ?
  Skin is tissue…oils and such that skin secretes ‘issue’ from it.
  Medically uncommon and possibly socially embarrassing.
  
  Maybe his one seecretive behavior is due to his other secreetive behavior, and naught to do with number two.
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 4:11 am rating: 90
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#2 jdaniel

I have never been offended by a douche. In fact, I have always found them refreshing when used as directed.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm rating: 90

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#3 Mrs.Beasley

Maybe it’s not view-blocking toilet paper, maybe it’s odor-blocking toilet paper. Like, an attempt at a mercy flush alternative.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm rating: 90

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- #3.1 Harmy G
  
  Don’t forget TP’s sound-blocking qualities!
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 10:58 am rating: 90
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#4 Ms Ann Thropic

How would he know that he uses toilet paper to block the door unless he was trying to watch…him…sh!t?

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm rating: 90

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- #4.1 R
  
  They leave it hung over the cracks after they’re done. At least the women do where I work.
  
  Jan 24, 2012 at 9:16 pm rating: 90
- #4.2 Ms Ann Thropic
  
  I too have worked in an office with inappropriately wide stall cracks and seen the ‘tp curtain’ but after figuring out what it was for, I certainly left it in place. I’m assuming this guy takes it down if he sees it, which reinforces my suspicion that he’s irritated that he can’t just cruise by and casually watch the dude poop.
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm rating: 90
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#5 Queen Baby

Tip: He’s not shitting. He’s bumping coke in there. Thus the paranoia.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm rating: 90

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- #5.1 Queen Baby
  
  And I would know, as a former work-bathroom-coke-bumper.
  
  Jan 24, 2012 at 10:52 pm rating: 90
- #5.2 Palomon
  
  Bumping what?
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 2:34 am rating: 90
- #5.3 Atheist Scum Unite!
  
  Now he’s an even bigger douche. Ever heard of sharing? I’m tired and I hate my job too, ya know!
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 9:06 am rating: 90
- #5.4 Shithead
  
  Nah, he’s just jacking off.
  
  Jan 27, 2012 at 9:13 pm rating: 90
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#6 shwo!

He’s not worried about your seeing him sh1t. He’s worried about your seeing him wipe boogers on the wall.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:39 pm rating: 90

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- #6.1 Saj
  
  People who wipe their boogers on the wall are so antisocial I don’t think they’d care about being seen. Ugh.
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 12:49 am rating: 90
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#7 trillian

I’d be less “offended” that he blocks the openings, more offended he uses tp to do so. I’ve worked in many an office where they refuse to replenish the tp until a specified date, so when you run out of it, it’s this douche’s fault.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm rating: 90

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#8 Dave

I thought that said “won’t watch” at first. .-.

Jan 24, 2012 at 7:57 pm rating: 90

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- #8.1 The Elf
  
  Me too! And then I thought “Well, I guess you have your answer. He wouldn’t put it up if you didn’t watch him!”
  
  Under those circumstances, I don’t blame him. If someone is going to spy on me in the ladies room, I at least want to get paid for it.
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm rating: 90
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#9 FeRD

Stephen Fry says, “Waaaah, waaah!”
http://imgur.com/fGelg

Jan 24, 2012 at 8:02 pm rating: 90

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#10 lysa

I’m lol’ing so hard at the thought of some dude draping long swaths of toilet paper over both gaps between the door and wall (I’m assuming that’s how he does it). I can’t even imagine being that uptight and paranoid. If I saw that IRL I’m not sure I could resist popping my head over/under the partition for a hello.

Jan 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm rating: 90

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#11 FeRD

If I was going to be offended by a douche, it would definitely not be this shy pooper. It’d probably be the frightening horror that is organic… um… “Hillbilly Bajingo Wash” (courtesy Regretsy).

Jan 24, 2012 at 8:05 pm rating: 90

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#12 Metreeid

I was thinking maybe transgendered and wanting to be private but if the person is sitting down (which both genders do for “shit”) no one could tell through a crack in the door anyway. So, maybe doing something more private than shitting… drugs? Self pleasure?

Jan 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm rating: 90

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- #12.1 E.O.
  
  As a transgendered person myself, I can definitely sympathize with “bathroom anxiety” and the need for privacy. I’m *still* traumatized by the kind of insensitive arseholes who will follow you into a public rest-room and look over the door to try and sate their own curiosity. It’s a demeaning, humiliating experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 1:01 am rating: 90
- #12.2 Saj
  
  Fucking morons. It’s this need for a black-and-white gender binary. Social policing. We need more unisex toilets.
  Male
  Female
  Fuck you !
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 1:18 am rating: 90
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#13 Khaos

And how does one block spaces around a door in a way that someone feels like the guy wants people to watch him take a shit?

Jan 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm rating: 90

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- #13.1 The Elf
  
  By draping it provocatively. That restroom guy was asking for it.
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm rating: 90
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#14 zenvelo

He wants you to look down to see his wide stance.

Jan 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm rating: 90

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#15 Britts

He probably really needs to concentrate and when he can see people walking by he finds it distracting.

Jan 24, 2012 at 9:17 pm rating: 90

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#16 Rectangle

it’s so annoying when people block the cracks with toilet paper… makes it harder to watch them crap

Jan 24, 2012 at 9:36 pm rating: 90

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#17 AuntyBron

Maybe he has shy bowels.

Jan 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm rating: 90

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#18 Poltergeist

Why is this individual so quick to assume that it is a bowel movement that is taking place behind the iron wall of toilet paper? Is he aware of how many different things can go on in a bathroom stall, most of which are more disgusting than taking a dump?

Jan 24, 2012 at 11:53 pm rating: 90

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#19 April

Seriously? I have NEVER even heard of anyone doing this before now! And I work with the public and have to use public restrooms all the time… sheesh… (The things I’ve seen, though… *shudder*)

Jan 25, 2012 at 1:36 am rating: 90

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#20 Brian H

They aren’t shy about having a BM, they are doing drugs.

Jan 25, 2012 at 6:27 am rating: 90

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#21 Cute 'Flirty-but-Unavaliable' Medical Intern

Oh! Oooh! I know the answer to this one.

This man suffers from frequent “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo”. Do NOT ridicule him. It will just make it worse.

Let me break it down for you. These types of poo are the same sort that killed Elvis. It doesn’t want to come out until you’re all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

This poor bloke’s shoved the damn paper in the door gaps to save both of you the humiliation. He does NOT want you to see his Elvis-transformation. It’s embarassing and vulgar.

Poor Elvis.

Jan 25, 2012 at 7:19 am rating: 90

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- #21.1 The Elf
  
  But we all know! The grunting and pounding on the stall walls is a dead giveaway.
  
  ….. Wait, that could have been something else. I’ll need to look and see to make sure.
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm rating: 90
- #21.2 SoupySales
  
  Your comment made me think of this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUPVtnIFkBU
  
  Jan 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm rating: 90
- #21.3 Rattus
  
  Apparently the number one cause of death is “straining at stool”. Which is too bad because it’s one of my favourite things to do.
  
  Jan 27, 2012 at 9:45 am rating: 90
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#22 Sensible Madness

If you have to go through some elaborate ritual before you’re comfortable using the office bathroom you’re probably better off just moving closer to work and going home to take a shit.

That or seeing a therapist, but moving closer to work is probably cheaper in the long run.

Jan 25, 2012 at 7:58 am rating: 90

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#23 wiwille

Every office has one who does the toilet paper barrier. I am more confused by it than offended.

Jan 25, 2012 at 10:31 am rating: 90

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#24 yolanda

confident author to think nobody wants to watch anyone shit. There’s some weird people out there! My solution to public modesty in this situation is to hold something in my lap while my shirttails/coat dangles around my butt, rendering me pretty much dressed to any peeper’s view. Ever have one of those dreams where you need to pee but can’t find a toilet that’s not mounted on a dais in a busy public place without walls? (wake up and go pee before you luck out and find a good one)

Jan 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm rating: 90

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- #24.1 clumber
  
  Ohhhhh Thank FSM… I have that bizarre recurring nightmare too. Clearly i need therapy or alcohol. Or therapeutic alcohol.
  
  Feb 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm rating: 90
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#25 Lily

At work, we have people who block bathroom stall gaps with toilet paper as well, in the womens’ washrooms. I don’t understand why people get offended by it. In other words, you’re ok with people accidently getting a tiny glimpse of you with your pants down sitting on the toilet? Why? I know it’s something I don’t need to see, but it’s not like I’m deliberately looking for that either.

/first world problems

Jan 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm rating: 90

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#26 Mishee

This explains why there was no square to spare.

Jan 25, 2012 at 8:43 pm rating: 90

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#27 Anna

Do people really do this?
I have to say, the first time I came to the US I was surprised at the big gaps around bathroom doors. My first ‘use’ was in the airport so I assumed it was some bizarre security thing but no… it’s everywhere. Using public bogs in the UK feels quite private in comparison!

Jan 25, 2012 at 11:03 pm rating: 90

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#28 Batman

Personally, I’m more offended by the douche who chose to write on the wall than the guy who wants to poop in peace.

Jan 26, 2012 at 7:27 am rating: 90

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#29 bookworm

I’m more offended that this person’s mind went straight to the thought of watching someone shit upon seeing toilet paper draped around a stall.

Jan 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm rating: 90

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#30 Renee

People in australia who are shy re the bathroom will just use the disabled toilet instead – or as the standard protocol in the ladies, people will wait until they hear the other person leave the restroom / wash their hands / run the hand dryer before they continue if they are a bit awkward. I was in one bathroom where all stalls were occupied but NO noise (eg peeing) because every lady was waiting – I just went and ran the hand dryer so they could bloody well free a stall for me lol.

Jan 26, 2012 at 5:28 pm rating: 90

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- #30.1 The Elf
  
  I have never understood pee/poop shame. Everybody does it. Why try to a maintain an illusion that you don’t?
  
  Jan 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm rating: 90
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#31 Sarah

It’s a good idea sometimes. I once had a 7 year old girl stand up against the wall by the sinks and watched me the entire time I took a piss. Stared me straight in the eye through the gap between the door and wall.

Jan 26, 2012 at 6:40 pm rating: 90

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- #31.1 herpderp
  
  At Rio in Vegas I once had a BOY – who was probably 7 or 8 – stand and stare through the gap at me while I peed. When I protested about a boy in the ladies’ room, both the restroom attendant and the mother ganged up on me, and said, “There are perverts in the men’s room!” Apparently the mother was indifferent to the little pervert she was raising.
  
  Jan 26, 2012 at 7:52 pm rating: 90
- #31.2 Noelegy
  
  Once upon a roadtrip, we stopped at a convenience store and I went into the ladies’ room. There was a boy in there who was at least 11 or 12, and not looking in the least uncomfortable or embarrassed by his presence in the ladies’ room. It was awkward. Someone’s mommy needed to learn to let go.
  
  But my favorite public restroom encounter of all time has to be the time I went to the bathroom at On The Border and overheard a small child (toddler age) being encouraged to go potty. Mom was asking, “do you have to go pee pee or poo poo?” and the little one was apparently thinking it over. I was in the next stall, and when I commenced, the child gasped in tones of discovery, “SHE’S going pee pee!” and the mom replied in the affirmative. All I could think, caught between embarrassment and amusement, was “Thank God I don’t have to go poo poo.”
  
  Jan 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm rating: 90
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#32 Saj

I work at a wannabee glamorous women’s magazine publisher. The managers called a meeting for the women and told us that we were no longer allowed to have bowel movements at work, because the women’s restroom is next to the reception desk, and sometimes the smells waft out, and it doesn’t go with our “elegant” image. Personally I have never smelled anything bad in that area at all.

I’m sure this is against some human right, right?

Now I have my “bowel movements” almost exclusively at work. :^D

Jan 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm rating: 90

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- #32.1 Shithead
  
  I would have to crap in an inter-office envelope and hide it in the back of the manager’s desk drawer.
  
  Jan 27, 2012 at 9:22 pm rating: 90
- #32.2 Saj
  
  Thanks for the idea Shithead. At my previous job, an online English teaching sweatshop in South Africa, a disgruntled employee smeared his excrement all over the men’s loo walls. I left soon after that :S
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 12:56 am rating: 90
- #32.3 NonnyMus
  
  Even suggesting their employees refrain from crapping at work is most certainly against labor laws (in the U.S. at least). Go ahead and exercise your rights there all you want!!
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 6:41 am rating: 90
- #32.4 Me
  
  I prefer to do my crapping in the privacy of my own bathroom, so if I crap at work, it’s because I can’t wait. Which is worse, smelling up the lobby or crapping your pants?
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm rating: 90
- #32.5 Luna (the other one)
  
  My ex once said he preferred to poo at work because he enjoyed the idea of getting paid to take a crap. I’m not sure how his coworkers felt but it was a bonus for me.
  
  Jan 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm rating: 90
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#33 Me

“Well I used to be disgusted,
But now I try to be amused”

D. McManus

Jan 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm rating: 90

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