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Happy Valentine’s Day!

February 14th, 2012 · 52 comments

xoxo, PAN

Happy Valentine's Day! Your morning sex woke me up. Keep it down, or I will continue to let all your neighbors know you're a groaner in bed. With love, your neighbour

related: Valentine’s Day break-up heartbreak

FILED UNDER: Calgary · heart · neighbors · sex sex sex · signed with love · Valentine's Day · xoxo

52 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Dewprisms

    Someone sounds a little bitter they didn’t get morning sex.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 9:42 am   rating: 99  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Dusa

      No more like doesnt like to be woken up in the morning by people having sex. Been there, done that. It’s annoying as hell, I just want to sleep!

      Feb 14, 2012 at 2:47 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   herpderp

      Then move out of densely populated areas.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Yenna

      It’s so simple, I’ll just pack up my crap and go elsewhere because my neighbors are rude. Seems legit.

      Feb 15, 2012 at 9:37 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   TippingCows

      That’s what earplugs are for – the peace and quiet, not the sex.

      Feb 15, 2012 at 12:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   quigrey

      I’m pro-screaming orgasms.

      Me thinks the crabby people either don’t have them or don’t give convincing performances.

      Feb 15, 2012 at 10:26 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   Nicole

      People are going to have sex. Sometimes it gets loud, get over it. This person who wrote this I feel like punching.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   DamnStraight

      My neighbour is a screamer…
      We call her “screamer b****”, due to the fact that she is the world’s biggest b****. Anything above a whisper after 9pm, and she’s banging on the walls, screaming for us to shut up. We’re actually pretty quiet and considerate, but I once accidentally said something to my husband, who was in the next room, around 10pm one night, and she not only banged on the wall, but came to our door to tell us (actually, she screamed ) to stop yelling at each other. We were using normal, inside voices, but she sure as hell wasn’t. We tried to explain it to her, but she wouldn’t accept that she was out of line. Apparently, we were out of line and she called us “ignorant trash”. We had a good laugh over that when she left. Who is in their bathrobe screaming, threatening to call the police right now over a not unreasonably loud conversation? Oh, and WE’RE the ignorant trash?
      She’s an early riser, and enjoys morning sex A LOT. She regularly wakes us up at 6am on the weekends with her screaming. Trust me – at 6am after I’ve sometimes had a night out and am hungover, I’m not jealous of her morning sex.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 3:47 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

  • #2   The Elf

    Given the subject matter, isn’t the “XOXO”, heart drawing, valentine’s day reference, and “with love” just a little over the top? The neighbor is probably already satisfied from this morning. She doesn’t need any more loving. Give her a bit to recover.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:03 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #3   fostercommachris

    not much incentive to keep it down if everyone already knows….

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:04 am   rating: 55  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Atheist Scum Unite!

      I thought the same thing. And if you can’t get a free pass to have noisy sex on VALENTINE’S DAY, then what the hell is this world coming to?

      No pun intended.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 2:10 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

  • #4   caffeine

    See, this isn’t a very convincing threat because I’m pretty sure I would feel more repulsed by the neighbour blabbing to all and sundry about someone else’s bedroom habits than I would the neighbour who did the groaning.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:13 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Sio

      I’m pretty sure that was reference to the note being put up and not the neighbor actively making a point of telling everyone in person.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   QBALL

    It would have been funnier, if it had said, “Love Mom”

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:25 am   rating: 63  small thumbs up

  • #6   kermit

    I think I am missing something here. How “continue telling” supposed to be threat?

    A threat would be if she started telling the neighbors. But they already know since she’s been blabbing to everyone. So clearly, the couple has to step up their game and have even noisier sex or just ignore her and continue as they were before.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:27 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Knowing somebody else is hearing you just adds spice!

      Feb 14, 2012 at 1:51 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   M L

      I assume the notewriter posted the note on the outside of the door. I.e. they will continue to post notes that expose the groaners to passers by.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   The Elf

      This is the way the world ends,
      With a bang and a loud groan.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #7   OtherSuze

    I have a feeling the neighbors already know about the groaning in bed.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:33 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #8   bookworm

    Would this person rather have late-night sex waking them up? I think the groaner and their partner should start groaning the note-writer’s name.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:45 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   clumber

      No! The note-writer’s SPOUSE’s name. Have them groan that.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

  • #9   Sir Puke

    I guess a greater frequency of morning sex is in order.
    Do tell the neighbors that I have a great sex life!

    Feb 14, 2012 at 10:47 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #10   Matilda

    Go ahead & tell my neighbors I’m a groaner, I’ll wait.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 11:17 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #11   meeper

    I have the exact same crappy counter top! I wonder if I can guess which building this is in Calgary?

    Feb 14, 2012 at 11:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   kermit

      I didn’t even notice it was from Alberta. Well, that certainly explains a lot, since Alberta is basically Canada’s Texas.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 11:57 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #12   Ali

    I read that as “groomer” and thought that maybe he was kind of like a monkey picking bugs out of his partner’s hair or something.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 11:31 am   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   vaginalhubris

      I also read this as “groomer” and was thoroughly confused. I dated a dude in college who wanted to be “treated like a show dog,” so I thought maybe she was the groomer to his show dog? No idea.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 11:46 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   Poltergeist

      I was thinking she turned on the electric razor and groomed her partner’s back hair. What else could possibly explain the buzzing noises?

      Feb 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   St. Apis

      Well, that buzzing sound was because the guy gave his lady the traditional hive of bees for Valentine’s Day. It’s a holdover from ancient times, when St. Apis summoned scores of bees while conducting a wedding ceremony and everybody drank honey.

      Or something.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   lilgreenfish

      I did as well.

      I think handwriting class AND threat class should be in order for the note-writer.

      Feb 14, 2012 at 4:05 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #13   Poltergeist

    I don’t think the notewriter realizes that this note is basically giving the two lovers the go-ahead to have sex on her welcome mat at 5 am. That’s what I would do, at least.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #14   Annaliesa

    The note writer needs to get laid.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #15   M L

    Notewriter didn’t get the memo:

    (probably NSFW)

    Feb 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   joe in oregon

    I read “groomer” as well and figured she could hear the sound of buzzing (not bees) from an electric shaver. Loud sex and some man-scaping – I’m in!
    Hell, I think I would even enjoy just listening – ha!

    Feb 14, 2012 at 2:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #17   herpderp

    I can get a bit loud, myself. If it’s not quiet hours in the apartment complex, I’ll be as loud as I like, tyvm. I’d rather hear a happy couple having sex than a Domestic Abuse Duo having a knock-down drag-out police-action fight at 3am.

    Feb 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

  • #18   shini

    Wonder what’s worse – hearing loud sex next door, below you, or above you?

    Feb 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Yenna

      Above, most definitely.

      Feb 15, 2012 at 9:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #19   T'laryth Phalyn

    I know it’s horrid but my boyfriend and I have decided we’re doing well if we get either a standing ovation from his neighbors or a note on his front door. Nothing yet though…

    Feb 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   The Elf

      Clearly, he needs to step up his game!

      Feb 15, 2012 at 7:01 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   Molly

    Wow I really must have lucked out finding a building as sex crazed as mine! Once one apartment starts up it’s not long before others do too! On a summer day with the windows open you can hear it all thru the alley :)

    Feb 14, 2012 at 9:07 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Ponytail

      Unless it’s just that the neighbours are faking sounds to put off the first couple ?

      Feb 15, 2012 at 6:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   The Elf

      I didn’t know sex was a competitive sport! Any guesses when we’ll see this at the Olympics? They can do long and short form, like skating. Or is this what they mean by freestyle wrestling?

      Feb 15, 2012 at 7:04 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   TippingCows

      Finally – I’ve found my ticket to the Olympics.

      Feb 15, 2012 at 1:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #21   JC

    I wouldn’t care if anyone heard me, and seeing this ‘threat’ would just make me want to keep it up, and moan LOUDER.
    JUST to be obnoxious.
    That’ll learn ‘em.

    Feb 15, 2012 at 8:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   yolanda

    I would be so mortified that someone heard me I wouldn’t be able to do it at all except on a futon and muffled, LOL. Before I had a single unit home I would pay attention to the comings and goings of my neighbors and only voice my pleasure when I was sure I had privacy. I always felt very embarassed when overhearing others too.

    Feb 15, 2012 at 9:52 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #23   Dane Zeller

    They woke you up? One of them is a groaner? You don’t say. Could you be more specific? What words did she use? How long did it last…

    Feb 15, 2012 at 9:53 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #24   sparkle

    I think the outrage is more directed at the fact that the stated morning activities did not include inviting her in. I haz durty mind.

    Feb 19, 2012 at 11:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   shawn

    Dear Neighbor,

    Don’t bother, it was an orgy and you weren’t invited.


    The whole complex

    Feb 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #26   fpelayo

    On a related note, you guys need to find the original photo of this: ;)

    Feb 20, 2012 at 9:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   hannah

    1. Did anyone else point out that she says “continue to let all your neighbors know…” Like, she has been telling people for weeks already.
    2. My neighbor is a about 300lb person who likes to have a lot of sex with her boyfriend. All the time this was happening, day and night. I let this go on for awhile, but a person can only live in this fashion for so long. I had to call the landlord, who laughed and took care of it for me.

    Feb 23, 2012 at 8:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #28   phoenix

    oh god, gotta love the “then move” or “use earplugs” statements. I have really loud neighbors and hear these two a lot. I’m pretty laid back, but the neighbors are REALLY LOUD. They usually start at 11 pm on weeknights, and go to 4 am.

    1. I can’t quit my job, lose my deposit on my apartment, walk out on a lease and move b/c my neighbors are asses sometimes. Thanks for the reasonable response to my wanting common courtesy.

    2. Earplugs aren’t magic. I actually wear them, and they don’t block out all noise ever. What they can block out? Your alarm clock, waking you up for work.

    Is it too much to expect for people to not be assholes? ‘Cause if it’s okay to be an ass, there aren’t many safe places to move to.

    Feb 29, 2012 at 8:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #29   Eve

    Just like she’s allowed to have morning sex, I’m allowed to have quiet. Not hating, just allowed what I’m allowed.

    Mar 5, 2012 at 8:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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