Rage Against the (Coffee) Machine

February 16th, 2012 · 77 comments

Putting decaf in the regular coffee pot? Now that’s just evil taken a step too far.

To the person putting decaf coffee into the 'regular' coffee pot: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop putting decaf into the regular coffee pot now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, and I will find you. - Edin Good Luck!

The decaf’s response:

recent: The British version of the above note

FILED UNDER: coffee · Michigan · most popular notes of 2012 · not-so-veiled threats · office


77 responses so far ↓

  • #1   jaylemeux

    Decaf tastes gross.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:13 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   DamnStraight

      I would put up threatening notes, too, if someone f****ed with my caffeine fix. You’re expecting the delicious taste of coffee, mixed with that unbelievable, energizing rush of caffeine in your body, but only get weak tasting crap? They should be punished for their crimes!

      Feb 17, 2012 at 3:49 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Will

      Probably because its been decaffeinated using lye and industrial solvents.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 10:03 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   The Elf

      Mmmmm…… Industrial solvents…….

      (drool)

      Feb 17, 2012 at 10:41 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   bookworm

      All coffee tastes gross, the caffeine is the only thing that makes it worth it.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 11:43 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Nunavut Guy

      AddBailey’s.MMMMMMM

      Feb 18, 2012 at 8:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Alex

      It looks gross too. What are those? Soap bubbles??

      Feb 20, 2012 at 10:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   McFiesty

    You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry….

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:13 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   unsatisfied

      I don’t like you, anyway.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:38 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   The Elf

      You just watch yourself. He’s a wanted man. Unsatisfied has the death sentence on twelve systems.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Jimmy James

      I’ll be careful.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   wright1

      You’ll be decaf.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Parker

    Oh man, this one actually made me laugh. Kudos to the person who added “Good luck!”, even if they are evil.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:16 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Ms Benson

      Good luck is how the quote ends. The text in the note is is adapted from the film “Taken”.
      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0936501/quotes
      “Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
      Marko: [after a long pause] Good luck. “

      Feb 22, 2012 at 3:54 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   The Elf

    If there is one thing PAN has taught me, it is this: Do not fuck with the coffee drinkers.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:16 am   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Atheist Scum Unite!

      Dude, I worked as a barista briefly in my teens. Angry coffee drinkers are the goddamn devil. I actually had a lady throw her coffee at me because I made it “wrong.”

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:34 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   quigrey

      Ditto to the Barista. But the angry coffee people are more AGGRESSIVE(!!!!) than passive aggressive.

      One disgruntled customer shat on the floor in the ladies bathroom every day for 4 days straight in retaliation for an incorrect drink. We would have remade it for free…

      Feb 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   DamnStraight

      Haha! What grown person defecates on the floor? Wow.
      I was a barista briefly and I hated the assholes who would treat you like crap simply because you messed up their drink slightly (“I wanted 1/4 soy, 1/4 semi-skimmed and 1/2 skimmed, but you gave me 1/3 of each, you idiot!!!”). It’s your fault for rambling off such a long, complicated drink. The furthest I go with the complicated drinks is ask for a skinny latte instead of just a latte. If I happen to get a non-skinny latte, it just tastes more delicious and I let it slide.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 3:54 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   The Elf

      I’m with you DamnStraight. When I do go to a fancy coffee place and buy something other than basic coffee, it’s skinny latte all the way. I will object if I get a regular latte, as there’s a reason I want skim milk and sugar free syrup, but so far that’s never happened.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 6:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   quigrey

      Because, TheElf, 90% of the time when a drink is made incorrectly, it’s because the person ordering didn’t order right. In the case of the old lady shit head, she said she wanted 6pumps of syrup and would complain that we shorted her.. we had told her to ask for 8 but she “always only got 6 pumps”.

      At least 3 times a shift I make a drink and half way through steaming milk, the person says “I wanted that iced…(or nonfat, or with this, etc.)”. It’s not that huge of a deal to remake a drink, but if you order a drink a certain way, I will make it. Don’t blame the barista because you forgot to add specific instructions and assume they will magically know foam gives you gas.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 3:06 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Nunavut Guy

      Wow.The town water pump broke down today.No water for a week(If the part comes in).

      Spoiled people.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 8:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Sarah

    Decaf… The devils coffee!

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:17 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   unsatisfied

      “your mother drinks COFFEE from HELL!!!”

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   The Elf

    Isn’t it in the corporation’s best interest to keep their employees well caffeinated? You want *all* of the cylinders firing, bosses.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:19 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Pam

      I think that’s the point……

      Feb 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Lisap

      Did no one else immediately think of The Kids in the Hall’s “The day they switched to decaf” skit with the 2 K/Cathy’s?

      If you need any incentive to youtube it: 80′s working women played by men in drag (the funny way, not the “Work It” way).

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Tim

    It’s a shame almost 99% of this note isn’t original. :P That’s almost a direct quote of Liam Neeson in “Taken”.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:19 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   The Elf

      Loss of originality is one of the symptoms of caffeine deprivation.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:21 am   rating: 66  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   LfLeIA

      But that’s the reason I love this note is that it’s a rip-off from Liam Neeson. I mean, the man is bad-ass forever, no matter how old he gets.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:26 am   rating: 48  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   lj

      that makes it funnier = decaf in place of regular coffee > child being taken by human traffickers.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:34 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   lucas

      not a rip-off, an homage. there is a difference. i call this well-played. also, it gets points for being a relatively obscure reference. at least it’s not quoting “full metal jacket” or something.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:46 am   rating: 79  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   BRBonobo

      The whole movie was sold on this one monologue. When I watched it I imagined him using this speech about four times a day. When someone wants him to help them move a couch, “what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Those skills do not include lifting or hauling.” ‘Twould be awesome.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   jadefirefly

      You’re one of those people that friends don’t tell jokes to, right? Because your response is, “It’s a shame I’ve heard that one before.”

      Feb 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   SeeYouInTea

      The only thing that’s missing is the “I will kill you”, which would make this note x10 more funny.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   Ryan H

      Um, that’s the whole point. Which you obviously missed.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 6:43 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.9   angie

      That’s why it’s funny!

      Feb 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.10   Burma Jones

      Uh yea we know that
      Its the use of the qoute with regard to brewing of coffee

      Feb 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.11   Kirsten

      Having Liam Neeson’s voice in my head as I read this note is what made it awesome.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 8:25 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.12   RubeMcCube

      That’s the reason I hate this note. That film was a total waste of 93 minutes, and that quote was the dumbest thing in it (and that’s a high bar to get over, as those who have sen it will know).

      Feb 21, 2012 at 5:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Annaliesa

    The only good thing about waiting on tables at a diner was the coffee. Whether it was starting a shift on Sunday morning after getting black-out-trashed on Saturday night or doing the closing shift and needing a free boost to study for an exam when I got home, delicious coffee was there.

    Once I got a “real” job after college, I found myself presented with a poorly-maintained communal coffee pot with sludge for coffee. Even if it was newly made, it tasted nasty. And yes, there was decaf in the regular pot on a frequent basis.

    My husband eventually got me one of those coffee pod makers, and I brought coffee to work. Yeah, it’s more expensive than drinking the free stuff, but it only eats up a minute in the morning and I have a cup of something that tastes, ya know, decent.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:32 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   marissa

      cool story bro

      Feb 16, 2012 at 11:50 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   lily

      And then she found $5.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Elissa

    That cup of coffee looks way too good to be decaf.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 12:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   bob loblaw

    Say what you want, but that coffee was fucking delicious ………….

    Feb 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   unsatisfied

      BAD DECAF YOU!!!

      (no, I will not let this die. ever.)

      Feb 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   TKD

      Many thumbs up to you, unsatisfied.

      Feb 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   MB

    Whoever is doing this is worse than Chris Brown and Hitler put together

    Feb 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Nunavut Guy

      Chris Hitler-Brown.Germany’s first legal gay marriage.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Seanette

    http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2003-06-19/

    Feb 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   SweetIrony

    If I had been drinking coffee regularly and someone switched my coffee for decaf, I would get a horrific headache that would make me want to die and/or kill the person responsible. (I get addicted to caffeine very easily so I try not to drink it more than 2 days in a row.) Team Edin all the way.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Nahhh bang

    “Caffeine extends life. Caffeine expands consciousness.”

    “The coffee must flow.”

    Feb 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Jimmy James

      It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of coffee beans that thoughts acquire speed, the teeth acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

      Feb 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   SeeYouInTea

    Love it! Taken is such a non-stop kick ass fest of awesome.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 4:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   infanttyrone

    So, that cup’a joe there ?
    Referencing Mister Bill ?
    Referencing Herr Munch ?
    And if both, was the former an homage to the latter ?
    Feel encouraged to get primal if you know…

    Feb 16, 2012 at 7:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Philm

    I don’t taste good after decaf. It’ll be harder for you to eat me.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Better Thanyou

    Let’s face it… with out their coffee they aren’t going to be alert enough to track down the culprit.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Rectangle bang

    Pretty good use of that movie quote.

    Feb 16, 2012 at 11:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Lolly Jones

    What kind of a chump drinks decaf? http://www.lollyjones.blogspot.com

    Feb 17, 2012 at 3:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Dane Zeller

    “…I will look for you, and I will find you.”

    “When I do, I will show you my writing skills. I will force you to endure example after example of movie dialogue that reference both obscure and important films.

    Maybe you will be able to take that punishment. Maybe not.

    Do you feel lucky, punk?”

    Feb 17, 2012 at 9:20 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   GhostWriter bang

    Sure- nice movie quote, but I’m partial to “Release the Kraken!”

    Feb 17, 2012 at 9:22 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   The Elf

      Oh please. Nothing tops “KHHAAAAANNNNN!!!!” Think of the possibilities.

      “Someone put decaf in the coffee pot?!”

      “KHHHHAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!”

      Feb 17, 2012 at 9:40 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   GhostWriter bang

      While “KHHAAAAANNNNN!!!!!” is a very good movie quote, it was not said by actor Liam Neeson, and is therefore disqualified.

      Furthermore,”KHHAAAAANNNNN!!!!!” is only the third best quote from STII:TWOK. The Top Two are:

      (2) “Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we’re all dead!”

      …and (1) “To the last, I will grapple with thee… from Hell’s heart, I stab at thee! For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!”

      Feb 17, 2012 at 10:01 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Jimmy James

      I’m going to disqualify your No. 1 for being a quote from Moby Dick. And no love for Kirk’s eulogy for Spock?

      “Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the sould I have encountered in my travels, his was the most… human.”

      Feb 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   havingfitz

    I wonder…the other day, a member of an online forum that I frequent switched out the regular coffee for decaf after being subjected to post-Valentine’s Day ‘who was the most romantic’ stories. We all applauded his genius. Maybe the employees need to figure out what they’re doing to drive a person to these desperate measures.

    Feb 17, 2012 at 9:33 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Hannah

    Oh man! This is amazing! I did not read all the comments but at a glance I didn’t see anyone recognizing this is from the movie TAKEN?

    Feb 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   angie

      Upstream there’s a whole bunch of comments about it.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 9:52 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   infanttyrone

      Some glances are more encompassing than others.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 10:40 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   BoggyWoggy

    It’s been a few years since I’ve responded on this site. Wow…I even found an old photo I’d posted in 2007! Came back to check in on the old peeps and discovered this PA sign! The same sign was once hung in our staff room!!!!

    Feb 18, 2012 at 9:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   anon

    That decaf was f’in delicious (couldnt help it, im from the old school)

    Feb 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Nunavut Guy

      And you don’t read the previous posts.

      Feb 18, 2012 at 8:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   infanttyrone

      Old school = 2 kool 4 skool 2 often

      Or dey could be a Newfie, eh?

      Feb 18, 2012 at 10:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   unsatisfied

      and, it’s not “f’in”….it’s “fucking”.

      Feb 20, 2012 at 9:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Jessi

    Coffee is disgusting. I try it every now and again (from different places) because I don’t like to write anything off, but coffee is consistently disgusting. If you need caffeine that bad, it comes in pill form now.

    Feb 19, 2012 at 4:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Jessi

      Also, why does the “Good luck” look like a “connect-the-dots”?

      Feb 19, 2012 at 4:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Jimmy James

      Because the writer’s hands are shaking. From either too much coffee, or not enough.

      Feb 19, 2012 at 10:45 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   phoenix

      Pro Tip: You not liking something does NOT equal it being disgusting to everyone else. Perhaps, crazy enough, other human beings have different tastes than you.

      Sorry, forgot this is the internet. You must be right and every other single human being is stupid and wrong. Why else would the majority disagree with you?

      Feb 29, 2012 at 8:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    Drug addicts are always good value for money when it comes to hilarity.

    Feb 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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