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This is a hereby declared a gluten-free breakroom!

February 27th, 2012 · 64 comments

Heidi says what started off as a simple request turned into a whiteboard snark-off at the natural foods store where she works in (where else?) Portland.

Can we get a bagel slicer for the breakroom, please? i.e. a knife? bagels are bad for you eat your green beans instead.


Put a bird on it!

related: Your punishment for forgetting your reusable bags

extra credit: Day in the Life of a Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Store Clerk []

FILED UNDER: food · Oregon · Portland · unsolicited feedback

64 responses so far ↓



    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #2   Tabitha

    Oh my, that made me laugh so much.

    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #3   lagne

    ah, dietary sanctimony.

    first-world problems.

    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:34 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

  • #4   divvitar

    Screw your green beans. Pass the Lox with those bagels, and don’t forget the cream cheese! REGULAR cream cheese, too; not that plastic, spackle-tasting fat free crap.

    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:44 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

  • #5   infanttyrone

    WTF did that foo’ bird just drop on my bagel ?

    Well, Heidi, just be glad you aren’t down south in Ashland, where a scatological Shakespeare buff might have dirtied up the white board
    with a realia-intensive exposition of the double meaning inherent in
    “All that glisters is not gold”…that can put a vegan off their tempeh.

    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #6   shwo! bang

    Knives are worse for you.

    Feb 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #7   asdc

    Gluten Freers – the latest fad making the sanctimonious and overbearing Vegans look like the soul of kindness and tact.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 12:00 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Matt

      Some people have to follow gluten free diets whether they want to or not. It may be a fad for some, but for those with Celiac disease, gluten free is the only way to stay healthy.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 1:04 am   rating: 57  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   girl_with_all_the_yarn

      It’s not a fad. For those of us with The Horrible No-Wheat Disease (i.e. Celiac) it’s sometimes insulting that people still use it because they think it’s healthier. Trust me on this much: If I could eat bread, I would.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 8:12 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   NOOOOO

      But there are many, many people who don’t have Celiac disease that are gluten-free trend followers. Just like “Paleo” is a new fad.

      Just take the middle path, don’t deprive, don’t over-indulge (unless you have legit issues, Celiac disease, diabetes, etc.) and you shouldn’t have any issues.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 8:29 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   TK

      Seriously asdc, get a clue.

      People who have celiac disease have to be on strict gluten free diets, it is a LIFE or DEATH issue.

      When people who have celiac disease eat gluten, their intestines dissolve themselves. If cancer from the damage doesn’t kill them first, eventually their insides will be liquid mush and they’ll die.

      You’re the sanctimonious one here pal.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 10:57 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   Jeanine

      Yikes people! ASDC is probably referring to the fact that some dieticians are encouraging the elimination of gluten for weight loss purposes, not because of Celiacs or Non-Celiacs gluten sensitivity.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:54 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   MT

      The point isn’t that some people actually have a real disease, the point is that some people think that they have the disease, and they think it’s like a peanut allergy where they can’t even be around it. Yes, I’ve met people that stupid…

      Feb 29, 2012 at 3:51 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #7.7   Calm down

      Nobody is attacking those with Celiac Disease. The question is=even if the person DID have it, why should the rest of the staff at the market have to be gluten free? If there is a diabetic, someone with a peanut allergy, or whatever, isn’t it the patient’s responsibility to look after themselves? And yes, gluten free/peanut free/sugar free and vegans are obnoxious lately, sorry. And it isn’t the poor people with a disease that are doing this, it is the fad diet people.

      Feb 29, 2012 at 8:29 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.8   cbrd

      jeanine, i assure you it’s not us pushing it. that’s an idiot decision people are making on their own. why on earth would you deprive yourself if you don’t have celiac? oh yeah, because people cultivate pointless neuroses to add content to their boring lives.
      sincerely, a dietitian.
      p.s. i’d eat a yummy bagel any day, sliced or not.

      Feb 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #8   Donna

    Put a bird on it!!!!

    Feb 28, 2012 at 12:27 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

  • #9   Earl

    This is what happens when natural selection is overcome by technology. We get people with celiac disease, peanut allergies and autism. Unpopular, insensitive but true.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 1:18 am   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Jon

      Yeah so we should just start shooting cancer kids and puppies with three legs eh?

      There is a difference between relying on technology to save us and not being a dick….dick.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 1:28 am   rating: 57  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Spooky

      I’ll take my autistic daughter (who has improved hugely being gluten free, btw) over your dickishness….dick.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 8:23 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   *snerk*

      Fire all the doctors, dentists, engineers, chemists, etc., and let’s go back to the days of not naming children until they’re 6 years old, because chances are they’ll be dead by then, anyway, and why waste a perfectly good name, if they’re not going to use it? Like Dick, for instance…dick.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 9:09 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   TK

      Earl, what are you even talking about? I have celiac disease and my developing it had nothing to do with technology. Celiac disease is caused by genes (DQ2/DQ8), genes that existed long before technology existed.

      Natural selection wouldn’t have weeded me out, just like all kinds of bad genes exist in spite of technology. People have always died from celiac disease, cancer, etc. (caused by genetics), we just didn’t know why they died.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 10:52 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   Lisap

      “Unpopular, insensitive but true.”

      Why is it, exactly, that you decided that the existence of the third one overrules the existence of the first two?

      Why don’t you ask Temple Grandin what someone with autism can accomplish?

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:28 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   unsatisfied


      Feb 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   AlfaCowboy

      I don’t think Earl is suggesting we shoot kids with cancer, or that we should fire doctors, engineers etc blah blah blah. He’s making an observation. Accurate one too. I’m personally glad we can save physically weaker members of the herd; they can contiribute now in ways they could not. Doesn’t make Earl wrong. Just means some pansies get butthurt over true statements.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 2:04 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   AlfaCowboy

      “.. they can contribute now in ways they could not before…

      Multitasking when I type poorly anyway.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   Jon

      Fine lets kill off the weaker herd. We can start with egotistical pricks like you ALFAcowboy…..dick

      Feb 28, 2012 at 3:53 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #9.10   Ace of Space

      Wow, two dicks in one thread. Makes a girl jumpy, I tell ya.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 4:14 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.11   AuntyBron

      Makes me want to grab a ruler.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.12   AlfaCowboy

      Jon, do you read for comprehension at all? I mean, did you actually read what I posted, or are you in such high dudgeon that you can’t be bothered to parse out what is actually said? Here, I’ll re-post. Please read ALL the words:

      “I’m personally glad we can save physically weaker members of the herd; they can contribute now in ways they could not before.”

      To me (and admittedly, I’m not a self-righteous idiot like you, Jon), that sounds like someone who is glad for the advances of medicine and technology that allow physically weaker (gasp!) folks longer and better lives.

      Is it your contention that there are NOT physically weaker members of the species (ie “herd”), or do you posit that no one should mention that fact, or anything pertaining to it, since it’s unpleasant? Seriously, Jon and the Over-Sensitive Co., I realize you’re in high dudgeon, but you’re manufacturing things that people didn’t say. I don’t know though, Jon old chap, old buddyroo, maybe I should stop reading and start imagining the way you do.

      Feb 29, 2012 at 8:20 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #9.13   Calm down

      And completely based on your opinion and bad science of a century ago.

      Feb 29, 2012 at 8:31 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.14   What happens when the medicine goes away?

      The bad science may be of a century ago, but what happens when catastrophes occur and there are no more ways of continuing the science and making medicines at the rate and quality they’re made currently? Unfortunately, those who aren’t in pristine health will be suffering and have difficulties surviving. I’m not being a dick, or not showing compassion. I’m glad for the advancements we have, but you have to realize that we live in an overcrowded world where we have diminished the ability of natural selection to take place. So, if his assessment is heartless, what about science, considering it has no conscience?

      Mar 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   Bert

    Yeah, it’s half a century of technology and a few years of half-decent education that’s the CAUSE of these problems, that’s right! They just coincidentally appeared when we became intelligent enough to identify them.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 3:08 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   NOOOOO

      The research on this stuff is still so new that there is no way of knowing that they are truly issues. Like one day coffee is bad for you and the next it prevents cancer. Or high fructose corn sugar is bad for you, and the next it really is the same as sugar (and no, that info did not come from a commercial).

      Feb 28, 2012 at 8:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #11   valerie

    so, by portland, do you mean oregan? or maine? portland is the name of the biggest city in more than one state, you know.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 4:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Nahhh bang

      My daughter came home from Oregon all messed up in the head (we live in California) so that would be my guess.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 5:10 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   unsatisfied

      how can oregon mess up someone from california in the head any more than they are already messed up?

      Feb 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Seanette

      As an Oregon native now living in California, I think you have a good point, unsatisfied.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 1:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   heidi

      but there’s only one that matters!

      Feb 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #12   Kellie T

    That would be Portland, Oregon. Watching the hilarious “Portlandia” series on Netflix would let you in on the “Put a bird on it” joke in the above thread, also.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 6:10 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #13   ANkh

    Slight dietary changes are taking it too far! Death to the people who can’t eat the same food as everyone else.

    …maybe we need to work on our herd immunity to bullshit.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 6:26 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #14   Adriana

    Bread products aren’t unhealthy for everyone. Other than a gluten allergy, which most people don’t have, your average person can eat grain / gluten products regularly without adverse health effects. Now, when I eat grains and other starches, my weight balloons up, so I’ve given them up, but I’m not going to get all self-righteous about it. If I didn’t get so fucking fat on those foods, I’d be chowing down on a loaf of sourdough right now.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 7:59 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #15   Dane Zeller

    You all have no respect for medical conditions that are affected by food products. I, myself, suffer from Chlorophylius Bacterious, a disorder that is aggravated by food that has the color green in it. I can’t eat green beans! They actually cause my skin to take on a tinge of green, and makes we want to spend many hours on the internet.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 8:16 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

  • #16   sleeps

    I have such a strong desire to write, “Drink your juice, Shelby!!” on that board.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 9:07 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #17   Lola

    We can pickle that!

    (Am I the only person who got the “Put a bird on it” reference?)

    Feb 28, 2012 at 10:36 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   sleeps

      Yes. You’re the only one. Cacao!

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:05 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Lisap

      No, several people have already made references. And someone has explained the origin to those who didn’t get it.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #18   Paul Johnson

    Reason 65535 why Portland is a shitty place to live.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 11:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #19   Jolly

    wow, the put a bird on it thing really needs to get put down already. It wasn’t really funny to begin with, and it jumped the shark almost instantly. Please, internet, I’m begging you: stop pretending that you saying “put a bird on it” is a funny joke :(

    Feb 28, 2012 at 3:23 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #20   Rectangle bang

    I’m pretty sure they don’t make dark green dry erase markers. I wouldn’t be surprised if that second line about the knife was a sharpie.

    Feb 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Sean Jungian

      Look out, we got us a marker expert here!

      Feb 28, 2012 at 6:58 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   heidi

      i assure you this is dry erase.

      however, if someone writes on a whiteboard with sharpie you can write over it with dry erase pen and it will wipe right off.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 7:43 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Seanette

      Looks to me like there’s a fairly dark green in this pack (smile):

      Feb 28, 2012 at 9:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   Rectangle bang

      Yeah, it looks dark, but it comes out pretty light. I’ve used that shade.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   Sean Jungian

      Cheezus Seanette, are you REALLY arguing with the marker expert?? Get it through your head already – THERE ARE NO DARK GREEN DRY ERASE MARKERS. Period. Full stop.

      Feb 28, 2012 at 11:30 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

  • #21   Annaliesa

    There are a few things I get tired of in terms of healthy eating. For instance, people shouldn’t eat white rice. The Japanese, who are often thin and live to old age with little issue, have been eating white rice for a really long time. White bread? Ask half of Europe, who eating refined grains almost daily.

    Unless you have a physiological reason for being unable to consume certain foods, you don’t have to banish them from your diet. Eat in moderation, and go for a walk or do some yoga or something. If you’re not doing this already, take some small steps and get support from friends. Life doesn’t necessary need to be bagel-free.

    Mar 1, 2012 at 1:23 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #22   Gwan

    Is there actually such a thing as a specialised bagel slicer? Or did they just mean “knife”? Why didn’t they just say “knife” then? So many questions…

    Mar 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Annaliesa

      There actually is a bagel slicer. It looks like a guillotine. You can get them at Bed, Bath, and Beyond – a warehouse of random home apparatuses you don’t really need.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   The Elf

      Because you can’t kill your co-workers with a bagel slicer.

      Mar 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #23   silverstarshoes

    If you liked it then you should have put a bird on it

    Mar 2, 2012 at 7:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #24   franktank bang

    pretty average. would have liked to see some singling out or some profanity. Not aggressive enough.

    Mar 2, 2012 at 9:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   L

    I can sorta understand the need for a bagel slicer. The only time I have ever HURT myself with a knive was slicing a bagel. I cut myself so badly I gushed blood all over the bagel and had to chuck it.

    But I buy pre-sliced bagels now :P

    Mar 3, 2012 at 7:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #26   Megan

    My son is severely autistic and I don’t know how many people have told us we have to put him on a gluten free diet. However, we’ve had him checked by a specialist and saw no need. He has improved so much with lots of therapy. In fact we have therapist say they have never seen a child with his diagnosis have such speech improvement. I truly believe it is because we chose to focus on therapy and not spend needless time trying to force a diet change on him. This is just my personal opinion, but severe diet change without a medical reason causes more harm then good.

    Mar 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #27   sparkle

    Bagels that are bad for you? The note-writer needs to stop eating those toxic mind-altering green beans. Someone should stage an intervention. With a bagel-slicer.

    Mar 3, 2012 at 6:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up


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