Sincerely, Commando

March 1st, 2012 · 51 comments

“I love my neighbor’s passion,” says Del in Chicago. “This is totally something I would do.”

Hmm, Del. To which of  your two neighbors are you referring?

To the Fucking Asshole that stole all of my underwear: This is the 2nd time that this has happened. Yes, they are nice underwear, yes, they are expensive, but why can't you just go to Cram on Broadway and buy your own?  I am going to do everything in my power to find you, and I'm going to fuck your world up.  I am going to sand paper fist fuck your asshole.  Get ready for a world of pain mother fucker.  Sincerely, Commando

related: Panty raid!

FILED UNDER: Chicago · laundry · most popular notes of 2012 · not-so-veiled threats · stealing


51 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Laura

    I hope he finds this guy and I hope he lets us know what happens.

    lol sandpaper fist fuck you. omg

    Mar 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Rose

      Man I hope he finds him too.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Grant

      Sandpaper fist fuck? Some people would pay good money for that kind of action.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 4:21 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   meh

    This looks like a woman’s handwriting…

    Mar 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   joshua

      Not many men invest in pricy underwear.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 2:39 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   WHS

      You’d think so, but this place happens to be located more or less in the heart of Boystown, and four of the first five Yelp reviews are from dudes.

      Anyway, I think the point this person was trying to get across was a little “dont’ steal my stuff” and a lot “I’m cool because I buy pricey underwear”.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 3:26 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Nugs

      Handwriting is assigned to a gender now? Some of you really need to acquire some critical thinking skills.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 7:10 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Nunavut Guy

      Well according to demographics 10% of them do.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 7:47 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Nunavut Guy

      With snappy matching shoes.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   infanttyrone

      Probably not a lot of overlap between that 10% underwear/shoe demographic and the population of colostomy survivors.

      Well, come on, you know it’s tough enough finding shoes
      to match the bag when the bag’s just a purse.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 1:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   quigrey

      CRAM is in Boy’s town and sells EXPENSIVE briefs for all the metro/homosexual men in my ChiTown.

      so woman’s hand writing… not quite right.

      Mar 4, 2012 at 8:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.8   jane doe

      not quite *wrong*, either.

      Mar 8, 2012 at 7:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   zenvelo

    I couldn’t buy underwear at a place called “Cram”. Underwear fighting my sphincter? No thank you…

    Mar 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   It's obviously not a girls writing Yes he is bragging about his cool underwear

      You don’t know where the sphincter is, do you?

      Apr 5, 2012 at 11:11 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Jade

    How did this person get access to said underwear. If it was left in a machine at a public laundromat then..DUH

    Mar 1, 2012 at 2:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   jen

      seriously. if this is a woman*, and if they are nice undies, then why the hell would you not handwash them, and leave them hanging to dry? although, one time i was in a hurry and accidentally threw some nice undies in the public machines. never saw them again. am blaming a pervosexual on that one, personally.

      *same logic may go for a man, but i don’t know what constitutes pricey undies for men/the kind of material used.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   thrall

      Pilfer from me once, shame on you. Pilfer twice, shame on me.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   A Man with a Lot of Underwear

      Outside of “whimsical” boxershorts, “nice” men’s underwear is pretty much anything you buy individually. A lot of men just buy their underwear in shrink-wrapped 3 packs. Anyway, I have several boxershorts that are extremely soft cotton and are extremely well made with a seam in the waist that is nigh-non-existent so I feel no discomfort if I lay on it. They are fully machine washable and unlike ladies thong panties and the like, are not as easy to damage in a washer/dryer.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 2:44 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Keren

      Wow, that’s really great for you

      Mar 3, 2012 at 4:52 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   FreeBall

    Actually, as a gay kid, I used to steal men’s underwear. Sorry to all you guys with sexy undies. Some of us were too shy to buy our own. Think of it as your contribution to someone else’s coming of age, their genital maturation, and with the thought of wearing undies that cradled another man’s junk… endless JO fantasies (the threat of an aggressive fisting might even add to that) xo FB

    Mar 1, 2012 at 3:18 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   sweet lova

      Hm….not sure whether to admire your honesty or be skeeved out. Perhaps both.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   ansco

      You know that is real sick. It borders on the perverse and disturbed. I would be willing to bet it was you that stole my underwear you little freak.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 10:29 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   FreeBall

      Thanks for understanding. I assure you, as a kid it was purely innocent stealing of men’s undies. It was the fascination with adult masculinity which I hadn’t achieved yet. Its NOT like I was wearing it like a gas mask and breathing in your musky scent so I could know you better. Anyways, I’m an adult man now, and I buy my own undies, thanks very much. I have no desire to steal other men’s undies, and I really don’t want to know the odour of your taint. But maybe you should sell them on Ebay. Seems you have a fan out there, but its not me, sorry. By the way, what kind of undies are being stolen? Big baggy ass grandpa boxer shorts? Utilitarian boxer-briefs? Sexy little euro string bikinis? Masculine jockstraps stained and stretched from sports?

      Mar 6, 2012 at 11:54 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Furtive lurker

    The lower corner hexagon is what makes the note most threatening to me. I mean, anyone can learn MMA fighting in an octagon– but a hexagon? That’s 2 fewer corners to hide in, and those 120-degree interior angles are a serious hazard. This is one crazy bastard!

    Mar 1, 2012 at 3:20 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Merri

    This is my favorite P-A Note so far. I too admire the passion.

    Mar 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Zorin

    Am I the only one who shudders at the thought of wearing a stranger’s underwear? I mean, just EWW!

    Mar 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Dana

      They probably just fondle it or something.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 5:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Nunavut Guy

    I thought that commandos didn’t wear underwear.

    Mar 1, 2012 at 7:28 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   DeRaNgEd

      Don’t know if you are trolling or being serious. He just had his underwear stolen hence the name.

      Mar 1, 2012 at 8:25 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Nunavut Guy

      Then I wonder if he wears underwear.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 6:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Nunavut Guy

      Or maybe just camoflage

      Mar 2, 2012 at 7:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Nunavut Guy

      *camouflage*

      Mar 2, 2012 at 7:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   infanttyrone

      Camouflage ?
      Perhaps, in something like the way that personal abuse gets transferred and recycled in human populations, (s)he nicked an unattended makeup kit the next time one one came across his path.

      But, rather than imagine some Sally Hansen greasepaint gone over the edge into woodland or desert patterning what if the new makeup owner gave the colors a twist and used them to paint on ersatz underwear ?
      Sure, this would be more challenging for a guy, what with the
      3-D bits flopping about, but hey, aim high or put down the brush.

      Mar 2, 2012 at 11:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Suspicious

    Call me suspicious, but the fact that they specifically mention the name and location of the store makes me wonder if this isn’t a piece of guerrilla marketing.

    Mar 1, 2012 at 7:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Sabrina

    Hah! Not really “passive aggressive” in my eyes…those are some choice words!

    Mar 1, 2012 at 8:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Pit Pat

    Oh, these note-writers. They always promise but never deliver.

    Mar 1, 2012 at 9:26 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Tasha

    I was a victim of “Panty theft” in my past.A few years ago I worked as a dancer and I am not speaking of Ballet.One day I noticed that a few of my expensive fancy frillys were M.I.A…Not even 10 minutes later this new girl walks in the dressing room wearing a pair of my drawers.At first I did not know what to say so like a true lady I said “Hey!Dude wtf why are you wearing my UNWASHED pantys! The fruit cake then replied that she did not think I would mind…Uhhh yeah I do…Then she whipped them suckers off and tried to hand them back to me…Uhhhh No way was I taking them back…

    Mar 1, 2012 at 10:33 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Dane Zeller

    You all don’t get it. This guy has created a new genre: Laundro Letters. You’ve just read chapter one. In chapter two, Commando marks his newly purchased fine underwear, washes them, and then leaves them to dry. All in preparation for his big strip search scene in chapter six. Of course, sandpaper is introduced in chapter seven.

    Mar 2, 2012 at 7:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Tasha

      Why are we referring the undy klepto as HE when it can seriously be a SHE?

      Mar 2, 2012 at 9:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Atheist Scum Unite!

    I think I’m in love…

    Mar 2, 2012 at 8:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Spinner

    I’m in Chicago–I want to find this gentleman so I can find him and buy him a huge drink.

    Mar 2, 2012 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   pervert

    ”sand paper fist fuck your asshole” hahaha

    Mar 2, 2012 at 11:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   P.Dantic

    Shouldn’t it be ‘Dear Fucking Asshole’?

    Mar 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   havingfitz

    Now see, if we had vending machines that sold used underwear, like the Japanese do, this wouldn’t be a problem.

    http://www.snopes.com/risque/kinky/panties.asp

    Mar 3, 2012 at 10:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   aHumanBean

    Wow, I’m surprised by the number of people who think rape threats are totally funny.

    Good job, humanity.

    Mar 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   infanttyrone

      1) I think most people who post here realize that the sandpaper fisticuffs were a fairly idle threat, since the note writer’s actual chances of ever finding the thief are quite remote. If the thief were sufficiently stupid and unlucky enough to return to the same laundromat with the nice undies and to be accosted by the note writer, the worst result would likely be a sound thrashing upon the thief’s departure, assuming the writer thought well of his chances of administering one w/o being successfully counter-attacked or caught, the beating being in the realm of extrajudicial overkill.
      Note writer’s use of sandpaper is extreme, but almost certainly figurative.

      2) Threats of pre-emptive rape are unlikely to be considered funny, even by the PAN demographic, which surely includes some of us, to use a Lin-sanity reference, who are deep into the back court of derangement.
      Few of us, if any, are likely to laugh at the physical victimization of an innocent person.

      On the other hand, threats of using rape as a tactic of retaliation are often considered funny (especially here on PAN), usually in direct correlation to how clearly and how severely the victim-turned-threatener was wronged.
      As in #1, the more figurative and rhetorical the threat is, usually the funnier it seems to the average reader. If you encountered a fanfic piece in which Laundro Calrissian vowed to use some sandpaper on Darth Vader for swiping his undies and you wouldn’t chuckle, then you may need to find a different sandbox.
      Turning the tables on an assailant/oppressor/victimizer/etc is a pretty much universal literary device…as British Airways told the guy who complained about having a corpse moved into the seat next to his (and in 1st class yet, after the deceased passenger had expired in economy):
      …………………………………….Get over it!………………………………..

      Mar 3, 2012 at 3:13 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Ruth

      It’s so silly and OTT that it’s obviously not a real threat. I don’t think people would be laughing if it actually said “I will rape you” (well, I hope not)

      Mar 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Killer Tuna

    1. Collect underpants

    2. ???

    3. Profit!

    Mar 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Poltergeist

    I’m really sorry man! I only wanted to try them on and was going to put them right back, but at that moment a foxy lady walked by, causing me to burst through the fabric like a raging flood! I’m only averagely endowed, honest to goodness, so how could I have known that would happen? God have mercy on my soul!

    Mar 9, 2012 at 12:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Paul

    That’s definitely not Passive Agressive – it’s plain old Aggressive Agressive.

    Mar 10, 2012 at 6:06 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Dan

      I had the exact same thought. This be just good old fashioned wholesome hate.

      Mar 27, 2012 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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