Well done, Andy.
related: Yogurt thieves!
FILED UNDER: fridge · most popular notes of 2012 · sarcasm · TL;DR · yogurt
The photo is set to private.
Mar 19, 2012 at 7:53 pm rating: 1
Oh, if only the yogurt was!
Mar 20, 2012 at 1:51 pm rating: 23
Hmm. Someone has too much time on their hands. It isn’t even that good of a note. On a clever scale I would give it a 4, and I think that is being generous. Not that I think this post is the most clever, but I didn’t waste an hour of my time doing it either.
Mar 19, 2012 at 7:54 pm rating: 13
They used the time they would’ve spent eating the yogurt.
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:57 pm rating: 57
Regarding the “clever” scale… 4 out of how many possible points?
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:46 am rating: 8
Yogurt thievery. Will the madness never end? Gurt-tard.
Mar 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm rating: 5
As noted in the note’s first line, the theft happened sometime during a week. Perhaps the yoghurt sat around temptingly for a few days. Perhaps it was giving out under-appreciated vibes. It certainly sounds like it was not missed promptly.
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:10 pm rating: 16
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:26 pm rating: 23
Still, there really should have been a sign on the yogurt saying who it belonged to and constantly reiterating how evil yogurt theft is.
Wouldn’t work, but you’ve gotta make the effort.
Mar 19, 2012 at 9:04 pm rating: 5
I don’t think Andy’s thinking big enough. This is clearly part of a grand scheme. Check other offices nearby. Have any of them experienced a rash of yogurt thievery? I think we just found the plot of Sherlock Holmes 3.
As for why the person didn’t use the spoon in the Ziploc bag…clearly they’re such an experienced thief of Greek yogurt that they brought their own utensil. This is the work of a professional, I’m tellin’ ya.
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm rating: 35
Yogurt thieves are so uncultured.
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:36 pm rating: 183
Buy another one, lift up the foil just a tiny bit (on the opposite edge from where you’d start peeling it), get some liquid laxatives or crush up some in pill form and dissolve in a little water, then inject a more-than-pleasant amount into the yogurt pot with a syringe. Put in work fridge. Keep an eye on the bathroom door. You win.
Mar 19, 2012 at 8:44 pm rating: 46
What I wouldn’t do is dissolve a tab of LSD and use a baby syringe to inject it via a super-small hole right through the foil top of the container.
Doing that, as President Nixon used to say, would be wrong.
Don’t want someone going all Diane Linkletter just for petty theft.
But it would give the thief a whole new spin to the word acidophilus.
Mar 19, 2012 at 9:29 pm rating: 53
Sorry, man but food tampering is not a decent response to food thievery.
There are plenty of places where you can buy silly sandwich bags that make it look like the bread is mouldy. If office thievery is such an issue that nothing is safe in the fridge, then bring a small cooler and keep it at your desk.
But messing with food – especially when you don’t know what the person might be allergic to – is just not cool.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:53 am rating: 13
“But messing with food – especially when you don’t know what the person might be allergic to – is just not cool.”
Um, stealing food when you have a life or death food allergy and don’t know exactly what you are stealing, is also ‘not cool’ no?
Mar 20, 2012 at 3:23 am rating: 98
Well, if they choose to steal my food, their food allergies really aren’t my problem.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:44 am rating: 74
Yes, doctoring food is uncalled for. But a yogurt eater can dream, can’t he?
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:01 am rating: 10
Team Kermit is a D.B. What’s next Kermit? Maybe I shouldn’t have a dog because my burglar might be allergic to it?
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:12 am rating: 36
Classy, Ron. Your grade school rhetoric teacher must be proud.
Yes, stealing food is a nasty thing to do. But doctoring food and potentially harming someone is an even nastier thing to do. If putting paprika in the yoghurt is okay, why not a few drops of Visine, or a mist of bug spray?
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:29 am rating: 9
Stealing people’s food not knowing if they have a food allergy which is why they have to bring their own food isn’t cool either. If you steal someone’s lunch, and they literally -can’t- eat something else available in the building, what are they supposed to do now?
If office thievery is such a problem – management should address it. I’d start by firing one random person a week until it stopped. I mean – what manager really want to have an office filled with petty thieves – who knows what else they might be stealing.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm rating: 20
Just to emphasize – my post specifically (and not ironically, the Nixon meme notwithstanding) stated what I would not do.
It was basically just a framework to make the “acid” play at the end.
I don’t think I would booby-trap yogurt with a laxative either.
So if any thief tells you that they got dosed with that technique,
please tell ‘em don’t come runnin’ after me.
While on the pot (sic) they can meditate on the first verse of Bertha:
I had a hard run
Running from your window
I was all night running, running, running
I wonder if you care?
I had a run-in
Run around and run down
Run around a corner
Run smack into a tree
I had to move
Really had to move
That’s why if you please
I am on my bended knees
Bertha don’t you come around here anymore
Mar 20, 2012 at 1:52 pm rating: 3
Kermit is right. Your first thought should be making sure your lunch is safe for thieves. Make sure the thief gets exactly what is printed on the food label, and definitely do not take any measures that could make a thief uncomfortable or deter the theft of YOUR lunch.
Mar 20, 2012 at 1:53 pm rating: 38
Under no circumstances should you alter the make-up of your lunch, as your only concern should be the safety and enjoyment of potential thieves.
Mar 20, 2012 at 1:56 pm rating: 16
I know you were kidding, so my comment wasn’t directed specifically to you.
My comment was directed as people like Alfa above, who are apparently seriously suggesting that because someone stole their food, they’re entitled to poison the food and kill the thief.
Are you sure a laxative is enough of a deterrent, Alfa? Maybe they’re constipated and welcomed relief. A splash of arsenic or some bug spray would really teach them not to rob you of your $2 yoghurt cup.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm rating: 7
@Kermit: You’re the only one who suggested aresenic or bug spray, which are absolutely NOT the same as a laxative.
Also, folks, please make it very clear when you’re attempting to be humorous, as Mr. Stick-Up-His-Butt Kermit will definitely scold you (and likely go to the authorities) if he feels you have a serious opinion that is different than his.
What a prick.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm rating: 28
I thought you would read my post in the spirit intended, but as I invoked the ghost of RMN, I thought “better redundant than misunderstood.”
Also, distinguishing mine from AlfaCowboy’s gave me the opening to quote from a favorite song, something that’s more and more difficult
to do here since the management has gone YT-link-phobic.
Maybe I can sneak this past the censor-script…Da Do Ron Ron
Mar 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm rating: 3
@Starfish. Really? Firing some random innocent person who was likely not involved with stealing from the fridge is your answer? You can’t punish someone for someone else’s douchebaggery. The best they can really do is send out a letter to all office personnel that anyone caught stealing will be reprimanded. If it were my company, I’d fire them, but that’s just me. I don’t think most companies really care about food theft. And who says the office is “full of thieves”? For all you know, it’s just one person. I hope Andy catches them though. That’s messed up, man.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:11 pm rating: 6
Don't Touch My Oreos
I’m sorry, Kermit. But when a middle school locker room lunch thief was repeatedly stealing my sandwiches and cookies, my dad and mom and I got together, twisted open a bunch of Oreos and dusted the filling with a heavy dose of garlic salt. No one stole my lunch again. It was worth it.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:22 pm rating: 29
Am I the only one who wondered about kermit’s notion (7.7) that “why not a few drops of Visine” to the yoghurt was particularly depraved?
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:37 pm rating: 7
“Particularly depraved”? Oh, spare us all and save your disingenuous calls of decency for your church group.
Calling someone a douchebag or a prick because they’re telling you that food tampering is a mean thing to do is also “particularly depraved”. But you’re not keeling over on your fainting couch over that.
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:37 pm rating: 5
Oreo – Sorry, but I consider food tampering out of line and off limits. Just like it’s off limits to falsely accuse someone of sexual harassment / misconduct, falsely report them to the police for something or any other crazy batshit revenge idea disturbed people come up with.
There’s plenty of harmless pranks you can do to send someone a message that food stealing is not okay.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm rating: 1
Kermit – what kind of pranks can you play on an unknown person? Your suggestions of poison (love how you sensationalized there, leaping from laxatives to arsenic) are wrong, and I agree that laxatives are going too far. But isn’t putting something in it that will make it taste horrible a harmless prank? Unless of course the person is allergic to whatever it is, and that’s on them. Have deathly food allergies? Don’t steal food.
As to your question “If putting paprika in the yoghurt is okay, why not a few drops of Visine, or a mist of bug spray?” The answer is that paprika is food, visine and bug spray are not. See how that works?
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:50 pm rating: 23
To a person that’s allergic (or has some other health issue) paprika or whatever food is poison. The point is that you may cause harm even if you just intend a harmless prank.
Just as an additional example: a lot of people in North America have nut allergies so a lot of products are labelled as potentially containing nuts. In Europe, nut allergies are not common but mustard allergy is common, so they have the same requirement for products.
Aside from the obvious possible harm, tampering with food can get you arrested. You can find plenty of them with a simple google search – a cop in Jersey is suing a person for putting a pubic hair on his bagel as revenge for a ticket the cop wrote him.
Mar 20, 2012 at 11:17 pm rating: 0
Tampering with the food a law enforcement officer rightfully paid for and consumed is entirely different than tampering with your own food that someone else steals. The key difference being that the officer paid for their food and owned it, the office thief did not. …No I do not think laxatives, visine or bug spray should be used… As they (like someone said) are not food… But I’d put garlic salt or paprika in there for sure. If confronted my response would be… “Well I like to eat ____ with a little extra seasoning, why were you eating my lunch to begin with?”
Mar 21, 2012 at 1:31 am rating: 23
I just wondered why you equated something I would put in my eyeballs with something I would use to poison cockroaches. Nothing more sinister.
You’re the one who ran off at the mouth about my church-going tendencies and (completely nonexistent) use of minimally printable pejoratives about your person.
Mar 21, 2012 at 1:36 am rating: 5
@Kermit. You create straw men with “arsenic and bug spray” that no one but you has suggested. You use analogies about tampering with OTHER PEOPLE’S food that don’t follow at all. I mean, are you serious, or just an unimaginative troll? I can put whatever the heck I want in my food. If someone else, specifically someone who does not own my food, has a food allergy, then they should be mindful of their own condition and eat their own food. Good grief.
Mar 21, 2012 at 7:44 am rating: 20
@twhit: Apparently, it’s not ok to season your food the way you enjoy it, since a thief might be allergic to said seasoning. You may only pack gluten free, peanut free, salt free, sugar free, flavor free (etc. etc., ad nauseum) lunches from now on, as potential food thieves may find those and many other ingredients objectionable. You must also clearly label all personal lunch containers with an FDA (ie: Kermit)-approved label. For the comprehensive list of rules and regulations regarding the handling of your own food, please see the “Catering to Thieves Manual,” which is currently located firmly up Kermit’s butt.
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:36 am rating: 15
Kermit, you are now my LEAST favorite muppet.
Mar 21, 2012 at 11:40 am rating: 11
Captain, I will try to be disappointed.
But I don’t recall any episode of The Muppets or Sesame Street where it was okay to poison thieves or eviscerate people’s characters just because they don’t approve of your food tampering.
If you want my approval or blessing to poison or harm people just because they stole your damn sandwich, Jim Henson is not the place to get it. Last I recall, he taught people to be nice and guilt trip wrong-doers into apologising for their misdeeds.
Mar 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm rating: 0
You missed that episode? Oscar spiked his yogurt with garlic, and the Count stole 1, 2, 3 of them. He was very sick and Maria had to stay up all night while he vomited up the blood of his last two victims. By the Count’s count, it was a marathon 17 trips to the bathroom. Oscar the Grouch laughed and laughed, until Big Bird guilted him into apologizing.
Sesame Street, brought to you by the letter O MY GOD ***BLLAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG*** WHY WON’T IT STOP!
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:17 pm rating: 11
I wouldn’t bother with super laxatives or hallucinogens, but I definitely have stooped to the level of adding ungodly amounts of hot pepper powder/sauce to everything. If you do it right you can keep most of the insanity sauce inside a lettuce leaf, so you can get rid of it before eating the rest of your sandwich if it didn’t get stolen.
Mar 22, 2012 at 6:43 pm rating: 2
I’m honestly not sure if Kermit is a particularly unskilled troll or just an idiot.
I used to buy bowls of pre-cooked udon noodles and vegetables to take to work. Each night before work, I would get a bowl, peel the edge back a little, and dump in my choice of seasonings. The next day I would just stir and heat.
Apparently, what I did (seasoning MY own food in a manner not consistent with the labeling) was a horrible and reckless thing to do. Because, you know, on the off-chance that someone STOLE my food and was allergic to one of my seasonings, I clearly would have been guilty of murder.
So far, to Kermit, seasoning your own food is comparable to:
-Poisoning another person’s food
-Bodily eviscerating someone
-Falsely accusing someone of sexual harassment
Apr 13, 2012 at 12:07 am rating: 1
Oh, and as long as we’re on the subject…
A friend of mine has a cabin in the mountains. Some person or group of people kept breaking into it. They would steal anything of value, then smash and destroy anything left behind. This happened three or four times in a row.
His solution was to get a bottle of whiskey, spike it with a heavy dose of strychnine (rat poison), and leave it sitting out on a table in the cabin. The cabin was broken into one more time…..and then never again.
Apr 13, 2012 at 12:13 am rating: 1
Little Known Fact: ‘Chobani’ is Greek for ‘goat smegma’. The more you know!
Mar 19, 2012 at 9:02 pm rating: 11
I’m team note-writer on this one. You try to be good a pack a healthy snack ahead of time so you won’t eat something bad, then some jerk steals it and derails your eating plan for the day.
Mar 19, 2012 at 9:11 pm rating: 32
I want my two dollars!!
Mar 19, 2012 at 9:34 pm rating: 15
I want your two dollars!!
Mar 19, 2012 at 10:06 pm rating: 19
Good call, “North American” makes me salivate, too. … :-/?
Mar 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm rating: 9
Great to see that Chobani and Andy are so concerned about buying “local”.
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:53 am rating: 1
Team note writer. Admittedly I’m super drunk at the moment, but I am pretty sure sober me would still be team note writer. I seriously don’t understand the people who think it’s OK to steal someone else’s food. Also, please like this for how much effort it took to overcome drunk typos. Thank you!
Mar 19, 2012 at 11:29 pm rating: 70
I was about to hit “like” until you demanded that I do so.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm rating: 7
I clicked like after reading, “Admittedly I’m super drunk at the moment.”
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:52 pm rating: 5
I did too. I wished I could take it back after reading the plea for affirmation at the end, but alas, no such luck.
Mar 21, 2012 at 7:46 am rating: 4
If you didn’t bring it, it ain’t yours. Don’t eat it.
Is that really such a difficult concept?
‘Tain’t rocket science, you thieving bastard.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:20 am rating: 31
Different rules apply when you’re hungry. It shouldn’t be that way, but you know, office/roommate politics and whatnot (damn it’s fun to say “whatnot”). It’s a crazy, screwed up, and irrationally satisfying world when you’re passive aggressive. (Sorry, but I’m in movie mode).
To be clear: Not defending them. I’m also team Note Writer.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:44 am rating: 1
What’s a taint rocket and how does it relate to yogurt?
Mar 20, 2012 at 3:07 am rating: 12
taint rocket salad, it’s the hot new dish. you mix the taint rocket with crutchy peanuts, and add a wee splash of raspberry sauce.
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:00 am rating: 5
I prefer rocket surgery myself…
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm rating: 6
Sorry, Sun but I call B.S.
http://www.chobani.com/about/history/ – Chiobani is a modified spelling of Cobani (with a cedille instead of a “c”) and it means shepherd – specifically shepherds that live in Macedonia / Greece.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:32 am rating: 1
On the fence on this one….
I work at a place with a few fridge freezers where people leave food for/after meetings etc. Many times I’ve done the rounds on the fridges and I end up finding lots of food which was fresh a week earlier gone past their sell-by-date and turning the fridge into a mould factory. For the most part, this is untouched/barely touched food and it’s unlabelled. I see it as a huge waste, so I started taking the food home with me, only to find angry notes next to fridges later asking whoever was taking the food to stop! Weird.
I don’t see myself as a thief by taking unlabelled food that would otherwise go bad. If people want to keep their food, they should label it or take it home. I hate waste and I hate mouldy fridges!
Now I’m not saying this is why the perpetrator took this other guy’s yoghurt, but you have to wonder….it might have been sitting unlabelled in the fridge for a while and the other guy just thought it was fair game.
Mar 20, 2012 at 4:00 am rating: 4
Don’t blame the victim. Makes you look sad, food stealer.
Mar 20, 2012 at 4:29 am rating: 37
That is totally lame, food thief. Stop making excuses for bring cheap- if people want to let their food go moldy then let them. You are not saving te earth by eating their lunch, you are being a total D.B.
I had someone do this to me- I packed my snacks for the week and left them in the fridge. Someone decided to eat them. Because I am pregnant and have low blood sugar (I am supposed to eat a little every few hours, per my doctor) this was totally uncool. Thankfully, the rest of the office formed a food-posse and we figured out who did it. Hopefully you can stop your addiction before the posse finds you and publically shames you into eternity.
Mar 20, 2012 at 5:57 am rating: 39
Unlabelled or not, if you did not buy it, it is not yours. Plain and simple. I simply cannot fathom people taking food belonging to others from a refrigerators.
Mar 20, 2012 at 6:21 am rating: 41
It’s never fair game. You are a classice example of a food thief. It makes you look pathetic. It doesn’t become your property b/c you decide its got the potential to go bad before it’s eaten. If you are concerned about cleanliness in the fridge, have the boss designate you to be the person in charge of clean-out. Then place a sign announcing cleanout day is every Friday at 3 p.m. Food left there at that time will be discarded…or taken to your home so you can eat free all weekend.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:56 am rating: 35
Why don’t you throw it away? Isn’t that most workplaces policies? At the end of the week by a certain time if it’s in the fridge it gets thrown out. It’s one thing to take food that isn’t yours, it’s another to try and keep clean. (And I thought HR or someone was supposed to do that anyway.)
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:31 am rating: 13
Dude, it’s not yours. So don’t touch it. Simple as that. It’s the food owner’s business if they want to waste money and have their food go to waste. Ugh.
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:32 am rating: 17
dude, you’re overthinking this. if it ain’t yours, don’t take it. end of story.
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:55 am rating: 18
The only time taking food that isn’t yours out of the shared office fridge is legit is in the great, much-needed office fridge clean-up. This clean-up should have been advertised with a preferably PA-free note on the door of the fridge for at least a full week, giving people time to get their food and containers out of the communal fridge before the purge begins. Then the poor sap stuck doing this onerous duty is likely to grossed out to eat anything, much less your neglected yogurt.
Some offices opt for the regularly scheduled fridge clean-up, wherein anything left in the communal fridge come close of business end of week is tossed/taken home. Again, this would be a well-advertised policy so Andy the Yogurt Fan would have no excuse. Sweet Lova should angle for this duty since he seems to enjoy monitoring other people’s food.
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:09 am rating: 21
I hope you get caught, you dirty food thief.
Oh wait…I mean I hope you get herpes.
Mar 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm rating: 5
Some helpful replies for sweetlova. Contrary to most of u, I didnt think sweetlova’s reason was entirely lame because it doesnt sound like he/she is taking food for the hell of it. in this economy I also think food waste is disgusting and can be inconsiderate in shared spaces so labelling food takes all of 5 seconds to help get around that. But I like the constructive responses about advertised notices monitoring fridges , unlike some other replies (herpes -really? Get a life and some perspective!).
Perhaps it’s something both food takers and food takees should learn from so they can live in harmony with no excuses!
Mar 21, 2012 at 7:49 am rating: 3
No, food thieves should stop stealing. Pretty simple. You know it’s not yours. Don’t take it. Or do, and admit you’re a trashy food thief, rather than try to claim some noble purpose.
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:25 am rating: 7
“But messing with food – especially when you don’t know what the person might be allergic to – is just not cool”
If a person has food allergies, it would behoove them not to steal food, wouldn’t it?
If you know you have an allergy, you’re not going to eat other people’s food. You would think, anyway.
Seems simple to me.
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:12 am rating: 33
If you know you have a food allergy, you’re going to look at the label and see if you’re okay to eat it before stealing it.
Escalating the response by poisoning the food – with an actual poison or just a laxative – is not the way for sane people to handle a food stealing situation.
Just like if you’re an @sshole restaurant patron, the waiter can get fired for spitting in your food. Food tampering is illegal and very prosecutable.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:34 am rating: 8
What if I need the stuff that’s on said food? Does it still make me a DB for adding said substance ahead of time? By your logic, it does.
I use a special powdered supplement for the diet I’m currently on, and it’s irritating to take the bottle to work with me. Therefore, I sprinkle all food I plan to eat throughout the day BEFORE I bring it into work.
This stuff has a side effect; if you eat too much fat, it gives you the runs because it interferes with your body’s ability to process it.
But I KNOW the side effect, know how to avoid it, and that (very expensive) supplement was only meant for me, anyway.
So why should I care in the least if someone eats my sandwich and gets the runs from the supplement that only *I* was supposed to take? It’s a bit like sharing prescription medicine. So the bottle says it’s for headaches… just because it treats your friend’s headaches, should you take some for yours, too? No, stupid.
Mar 20, 2012 at 12:52 pm rating: 33
Oh my god I will tamper the hell out of food that belongs to ME and nobody else, fuck you very much.
Mar 20, 2012 at 1:32 pm rating: 33
I cannot believe how terribly insensitive you people are! Can’t you see it’s your job to cater to the needs and wants of every potential thief in the office? I would definitely not feel welcome if I was a food thief among such heartless and cruel people.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm rating: 20
There are plenty of ways to get back at a known food thief that don’t involve trying to kill them.
Have their car towed. Send evangelical religious people to their house to annoy them with salvation talk. Call their significant other and tell them you’re having an affair. Any of these things is a more sane response than trying to kill them.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm rating: 1
Thinking it over… nah. Kill them.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm rating: 16
“Food tampering is illegal and very prosecutable.”
Not if it’s one’s own food, genius. Are you contending that I could be prosecuted for putting laxative in my own yogurt? Really? You’re a goof.
Mar 20, 2012 at 3:02 pm rating: 28
Can you make an argument without resorting to ad hominem attacks, @sshole?
Mar 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm rating: 1
I think ‘goof’ and ‘genius’ are better ad hominem attacks than a poorly veiled ‘asshole’.
Mar 20, 2012 at 4:44 pm rating: 21
Lucy – Read the entire thread, please.
I wasn’t just called a “goof” and a “genius”, but a doucheb@g as well. Sorry, but that’s totally disproportionate response to the suggestion that it’s not okay to poison people.
By the way, the “@sshole” remark wasn’t meant to be veiled at all. Both Ron and Alfa resorted to name calling for no reason whatsoever. Unlike Inf’s comment, theirs (and yours) was not said in jest. If you think physically harming someone over some food is the best way to get your revenge on a thief, then you need your head examined.
And I am glad I don’t work with people like you because clearly you’d go bash!t if someone borrows your red stapler too long.
Mar 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm rating: 3
Haha, “Call their significant other and tell them you’re having an affair. Any of these things is a more sane response than trying to kill them.”
Putting laxatives in yogurt isn’t going to kill anyone, and if you really think potentially ruining someone’s marriage is a more sane response to yogurt-stealing than making someone poop a little more than usual, you should probably seek professional help.
Mar 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm rating: 36
You idiots are fighting so hard for the right to put laxatives into your own food, you forget that tampering with you food then leaves you *nothing* to snack on later anyway.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm rating: 11
Pretty sure a ‘prick’ was thrust at you as well in #7.13.
@AlfaCowboy, et al
I’m not involved with any criminal justice system, but I’m pretty sure you could be prosecuted for poisoning “your” food left in an office fridge.
Google “depraved indifference” and see how that matches up with laying out poisoned food that you have no intention of eating.
Or there is this from a story in The Baltimore Sun newspaper:
The current law makes it a felony, punishable by up to 20 years in prison, to “knowingly and willfully contaminate, attempt to contaminate, or conspire to contaminate any drink, food, food product, or food supply by adding disease germs, bacteria, poison or poisonous matter.”
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:26 pm rating: 6
They won’t have “nothing” to eat…
of course, they’ll be stealing someone else’s food.
It would be a shame if they chowed down on someone else’s
bait food, got sick, died, and went off to sleep with the fishes.
Alanis could team up with Terry Riley and compose Ironic in Sea.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm rating: 3
@Jolly – If a marriage is ruined solely on the basis of some anonymous stranger claiming they had an affair, that marriage was on rocky ground to begin with.
@Inf – I will catalog all offenses against me and make sure to put laxatives in their food and drink as revenge.
Oh, wait. Never mind. Carry on, as you were.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:36 pm rating: 0
Feel free to steal my lunch. I like spicy food and love my habanero pepper on grilled cheese sandwiches.
If you steal it and get the hot shits, it’s your fault that your body can’t handle what I put through mine on a regular basis.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:58 pm rating: 11
@kermit – I don’t know what bash!t is. You do have a good point, though – it’s a good job you don’t work with me, for the following reasons:
1) You would probably steal my red stapler
2) I don’t think I like your tone.
Mar 21, 2012 at 2:14 am rating: 6
That’s not true bookworm. After seeing the food thief in intestinal distress, I would feast on schadenfreude.
Mar 21, 2012 at 7:40 am rating: 6
@Kermit: Laxatives are not the same as poison. Quit with the straw men already.
@infanttyrone: Please see the above. You’ve apparently adopted Kermit’s lazy straw man arguments as your own. Try reading ALL the words I wrote. Here, I’ll quote myself again:
“Are you contending that I could be prosecuted for putting laxative in my own yogurt? Really?”
Of course, you guys can make up whatever stuff you want and pretend other people said it.
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:06 am rating: 4
@Madrias, that’s a better solution. If you can’t prove to the court that you are willing to eat a laxative laced yohgurt (let alone the other crap), then you could be held accountable. In the states, at least.
Mar 21, 2012 at 10:03 am rating: 1
Who passed out the Haterade?
“disease germs, bacteria, poison or poisonous matter”
Unless you stupendously overdo it, laxatives don’t really qualify as poison. I guess that could happen, but you’d have to be 1) criminally stupid or 2) willfully trying to put your victim in the hospital. (In either case, I don’t think even the tampering advocates would defend you.)
Ipecac might be another matter, since it’s much more potentially toxic… but I haven’t heard anyone suggest it.
Mar 21, 2012 at 10:08 am rating: 3
Isn’t Activia already laxative-laced yogurt?
Mar 21, 2012 at 10:49 am rating: 4
Yes. Just add a little paprika and Visine and you’ve got yourself a lethal weapon.
Mar 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm rating: 4
“I’m glad you took the initiative to eat it, I clearly didn’t want it” is such a perfect example of the passive-aggressive martyr that I want to frame it. It’s only lacking in an overly dramatic sigh at the end.
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:14 am rating: 20
Who passed out the Haterade?
Team The Elf.
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:40 pm rating: 2
I don’t see how sarcasm automatically translates to being passive aggressive. I’m inclined to believe that if he knew who took it, he’d confront them. It’s not like he knows who did it and is just failing at communication. He put his name on the note. If anything, I’d say stealing someone’s food and not fessing up to it like an adult is the real act of passive aggression. Just because it’s called “passive aggressive notes” doesn’t mean they all are.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:19 pm rating: 4
I’m on team note writer. Chobani just recently made it to my city grocery stores. I’d been coveting this brand of yogurt every time I went to visit my partner who lives in Ohio and he could buy it readily at Sam’s Club for practically a dollar per container. Here, it’s twice as expensive, so Andy must live near me. I personally can’t justify the expense of paying $2 per small yogurt container, so I opt for the next best thing: President’s Choice Greek yogurt. It’s not Chobani, but it’s pretty damn tasty and full of protein.
My coworkers constantly use the cream I put in the communal fridge for my morning coffee, but I’ve come to expect that kind of behaviour. Most people don’t want to buy a liter of cream for their work fridge. For me, it’s about picking which battles I want to fight. I’d choose fighting over my stolen lunch and snack items over the odd coworker who takes a few mL of creamer from my carton on the sly, for their coffee.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:32 am rating: 9
Astro’s Balkan Style yoghurt tastes the same, and is relatively cheaper, I think. There’s also Kefir and you can get both at Loblaws or Superstore. If you’re in a metro area, there’s usually a European food store that carries real yoghurt, too.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:38 am rating: 0
That Chobani was fucking delicious.
Mar 20, 2012 at 11:38 am rating: 6
Ah geez, I’m not up for stealing anyone’s food, but this note is just so melodramatic and sanctimonious, I can’t possibly be Team Notewriter. “I hope you recycled the container”, FFS!
Mar 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm rating: 3
I’ve never heard of Chobani but I want to try it now! Andy, Chobani should reimburse you for the free advertising. I’m sure it’ll come to more than $2.
Mar 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm rating: 0
Two dollars for a tiny container of yogurt? For that price, it should replace itself if it gets stolen.
Mar 20, 2012 at 6:59 pm rating: 5
He should’ve made up his mind. If he was going to do the whole long winded, ‘clever’ sarcasm routine, it seems idiotic to then change up at the bottom of the page to a ‘I didn’t buy the yogurt for you, etc, etc’ rant. Bad passive aggressive form.
Mar 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm rating: 2
Chobani’s okay, but really it’s not worth all this fuss. . . . Now, Oikos . . .
Mar 20, 2012 at 8:59 pm rating: 1
Neither are worth the fuss, but steal my FAGE, heads WILL roll.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm rating: 7
I’ve never had a food item stolen from me at work, so I don’t really know all the details of the kind of rollercoaster of emotion that’s involved; is writing notes like this in some way cathartic for the victim? Because I can’t see any other practical benefit in writing this kind of note, since the yoghurt thief certainly isn’t interested in what the writer has to say.
Mar 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm rating: 1
From my experience, these kind of notes just make the situation worse.
I once lived in a house with a lot of room-mates. The minute someone put up a note requesting that people clean up after themselves in the common areas, the messier the common areas became.
Mar 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm rating: 2
It’s surprisingly maddening to go to the communal fridge to retrieve your snack of choice, only to find it missing. Especially if it’s something expensive and/or something you’ve been wistfully thinking about eating all morning. I was always a little “meh” about it until mine was the stuff that vanished and I ended up having to get a questionable sandwich from the deli or risk a crippling headache. Even my husband was suprised at the venom in my profanity-laced phone tirade. I found myself desperately wanting to write a nasty note too, simply because I didn’t know who the food thief was and that was my only way of venting spleen at them.
Of course I just took a few deep breaths, snarled “jackass” a few times to myself, and scowled the rest of the day rather than writing said note. And then later felt silly for getting into such a frenzy about it.
Mar 21, 2012 at 9:32 am rating: 3
It’s not right to steal food, but it is a common problem in offices. My solution is to pack my lunch in an insulated bag to keep at my desk. The only thing I keep in the communal fridge is milk for my coffee, and I don’t get upset about a little spilled (or stolen) milk.
Mar 21, 2012 at 10:53 am rating: 2
If food thievery is an issue, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just get yourself a damn cooler and keep your lunch at your desk.
In addition to your first stolen food item, now you’re losing a second food item because you’ve boobie trapped it as revenge.
If you’re concerned about cost and annoyance, I don’t get why you’d go through all that trouble just to make your revenge fantasy come true.
I also keep only cream in the fridge, and either keep my lunch at my desk or go eat out.
Mar 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm rating: 0
Chill, kermit. no one’s trying to kill anyone.
And it’s not illegal if I add stuff to MY OWN FOOD.
What happens to the person who steals my food is not my concern and of no consequence to me.
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:25 am rating: 10
I don’t think that’s what Kermit’s saying. He’s pointing out (quite correctly) that you’ve just thrown good food after bad. If you boobie trap a yoghurt after having had a yoghurt stolen, you’ve now lost two yoghurts. It doesn’t make much sense.
Mar 23, 2012 at 10:41 am rating: 1
Because of this post I last night dreamed that Jamie Lee Curtis died of a condition caused by eating Activia. Thank you, PAN
Mar 21, 2012 at 11:25 am rating: 3
Former Food Thief
Take a box, wrap it in brown paper… and write tofu or something equally gross on it, and your yogurt and/or other food items will be safe from thievery.
Mar 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm rating: 0
Except from the vegans. :p
Mar 22, 2012 at 8:50 am rating: 5
I can possibly see the person taking the yogurt if it was in a fridge anything like mine at work, where people apparently love to bring in tons of food and then not eat it. Then it just sits there, taking up more and more space, until there’s no room left for the people who bring their lunch every day to store their food.
In that case, you may very well come in every morning and try to find a spot for your lunch, only to see that same damn yogurt that’s been taking up space for a while now, and decide, “You know, if that person’s not going to either eat it before it goes bad or take it back home, I’m going to eat it my goddamn self — and free up a little space at the same time.”
Mar 21, 2012 at 12:58 pm rating: 1
If there had been any PA to it, I would have submitted a picture of my work fridge/freezer from yesterday. There must have been at least bags in there, all tagged with the same name. She must have been taking up about 80% of the whole appliance.
That being said, a routine, forewarned fridge purge is the solution, rather than petty food theft.
Mar 21, 2012 at 3:26 pm rating: 2
Apparently no one in this thread understands the concept of a *very* slow work-mandated fridge clean-out, or a fridge asshole who drops something in, then leaves it there *forever*, and assumes it’s ok, because they’re going to get to it at some point.
That’s the vibe I get from this letter — dick put a yogurt in, left it there forever, and is now pissed because at some point — sometime during the week, he doesn’t really know when — somebody got rid of his yogurt that was just sitting there..
Mar 21, 2012 at 11:41 pm rating: 1
If I leave a yoghurt in the fridge for a week, say; why is that different to bringing in a fresh yoghurt every day? It takes up exactly the same amount of space either way.
Mar 23, 2012 at 10:46 am rating: 7
I of course don’t understand that people take stuff that’s not theirs. I see that it happens in offices all over the world and I still don’t get it. I don’t touch until it becomes a health issue.
Did you buy it? No, then don’t touch it.
I think the note is a little over the top though. I think Andy is an only child and isn’t used to dealing with this. I am too but I learned in the Army from the guys that came from big families. You could always tell who did because they put their arm around their food to guard it while they ate.
To combat it I would continue to buy it but then would put in one that I had sitting in the sun for a couple of days. Pavlov does the rest.
Mar 21, 2012 at 6:24 pm rating: 0
Ok all I want to know is if someone put the $2 in his mailbox or whatever. Update please!
Mar 21, 2012 at 6:25 pm rating: 4
You know what? This is always going to happen, everywhere. It happened in the kitchen of my college co-op house, 30 years ago. People are always going to steal food, no matter whether a name is on it or not. I’m not saying it’s OK, but you had better get used to it, Andy.
Mar 21, 2012 at 8:06 pm rating: 0
Personally, I think yogurt tastes the way stinky feet smell.
I would reward the person for removing this biohazard from the environment instead of engaging in unnecessary chastisement.
Mar 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm rating: 1
I hate peanut butter. But that doesn’t mean that I am allowed to throw out other people’s jars.
Second of all, yoghurt is an essential food for maintaining your health and regulating your intestinal flora i.e. stomach bacteria – bacteria which can lead you to have yeast infections.
Mar 22, 2012 at 1:14 pm rating: 3
I think the word “essential” is a little strong there. “Useful” maybe.
Mar 23, 2012 at 10:48 am rating: 4
Dr. Chalk – If you like having yeast infections, really stinky farts, and generally upset stomach due to stomach bacteria, then yeah I suppose “useful” is a little strong.
Mar 23, 2012 at 8:49 pm rating: 0
— Ed Decatur
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?