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My neighbors are always sticking their butts where they don’t belong

March 20th, 2012 · 122 comments

Heather in Toronto lives in a large -rise apartment, so she says it’s difficult to determine the identity of the ash-holes who are tossing their cigarette butts off their balconies with no apparent concern for either the earth or the people living down below. Heather says this photo doesn’t even show the full extent of the problem — there are many, many more butts around — so “feel free to suggest a new short message!”


related: Cat hair? Chuck it out the window!

FILED UNDER: most popular notes of 2012 · neighbors · smoking · Toronto

122 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Diana

    Your trash isn’t anyone’s treasure.

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:18 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

  • #2   Dr_Know

    “I choke marine life”?

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:26 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #3   liliboo

    I cannot believe she touched all those butts. Please god say she was wearing latex gloves.

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:31 pm   rating: 69  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Elf

      The time required is particularly mind boggling, too. Surely sweeping them into a dustbin would take less time than spelling out a message!

      That said, totally Team Notewriter. Don’t be a douche canoe; your trash belongs in a trash can.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:55 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   happy

      Heat’s suppose to sanitise things. But if it were my home I’d rather touch a couple peices of trash then have people continue to through it at me.

      Apr 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #4   weaselby

    “Stop being a douche”?

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:32 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #5   JK

    The butt is mightier than the sword.

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:33 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #6   mistic

    take a breather?

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #7   Nahhh bang


    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:35 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

  • #8   po

    I belive “LUNG CANCER” is shorter?

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:43 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

  • #9   FeRD bang

    Not the advice she’s looking for, but I say Heather should be a little bit thankful. The endless rain of butts sucks, without question ­— it’s especially fun if you’ve got somebody who likes to flick ‘em away still-glowing, like little kamikaze fireflies — but it could be much worse.

    Six of the nine apartments in our building have one or more windows looking out onto my yard. (I have the only door/access.) Over the years, I’ve received all of the following “gifts from above”:

    • The expected mountain of cigarette butts, lighters, matchbooks, empty cigarette packs…
    • An endless supply of children’s toys
    • All manner of packaging materials, boxes, bags, etc.
    • Empty food wrappers, cans, bottles, juice boxes, soup tins, etc.
    • Extension cords, coaxial cable… once, an entire 18″ satellite dish
    • Various glassware, dishes, candleholders, ashtrays, etc. — broken, upon arrival if not before
    • Several cardboard glue traps, with dead insects and rodents attached
    • Several more glue traps, with live rodents attached
    • Various articles of clothing, often soiled, occasionally urine-soaked
    • Used(?) condoms (I didn’t inspect closely)
    • Used syringes, and other paraphernalia
    • Approximately 20# of construction debris, when some residents decided to undertake their own kitchen demolition
    • The kitchen sink, and countertop, removed during said demolition
    • A dirty diaper ­— thankfully, just once

    Mar 20, 2012 at 10:55 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   kermit

      FeRD, you need an Etsy account or an Ebay account to start selling all that stuff. There are plenty of hoarders who buy crap off the Internet all the time. It’s time you started to monetize, man!

      Mar 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Lenny!

      There’s quite a few things on that list that not even hoarders would be willing to touch…

      Mar 20, 2012 at 11:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   kermit

      Lenny, I direct you to the Regretsy link at the top of this blog. There’s waay more disturbing stuff featured on there than on FeRD’s balcony.

      Mar 20, 2012 at 11:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   Lenny!

      Wow. Where useless stuff comes to die, welcome to Etsy Inc.
      I agree with kermit then, FeRD could make a fortune on combining said stuff and call it “balcony art decor”

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   infanttyrone

      But soft, what through yonder window takes flight?
      A satellite dish, and Juliet is the sun
      Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon…

      On second thought, the Dire Straits version might work just as well.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:51 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #9.6   FeRD bang

      See, this is why I need you all in my life! I’ve never been much of an entrepreneur. Never even occurred to me that I could potentially profit from this.

      Stupid me, I usually just make the occasional sweep to round-up my many blessings from above. Then I throw out or recycle any obvious refuse, and leave the remaining items up in the building common hallway so that people can retrieve or claim whatever they want.

      I left out a major detail, I realized, in my previous post — one that really illustrates why it can be so frustrating just how much crap falls into the yard — intentionally or not. (And why it was such a total dick move, chucking piles of construction debris out the window instead of bothering to clean it up.)

      Because the yard is completely enclosed, and has no street or alleyway access, literally the only way to get anything in or out of the yard (not counting the window method) is by carrying it through my apartment!

      So, yeah… it’s bad enough, that anything that lands out there automatically becomes my problem. But if I want to rid myself of any of it, I have to drag the crap across my floors and rugs to do so! “Yay.”

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:47 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.7   weaselby

      Blah, that’s ridiculous. The dirty diaper reminded me of neighbors we once had, who would leave piles of dirty diapers outside their door for days at a time. I’d kick them into the middle of their doorway when I walked by, so they’d have to step over or in them (classically passive aggressive :p ). Then, when their pile got too big, they’d just throw them at the dumpster on the other side of the parking lot. :| They were evicted, eventually. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t surprised. And they skipped town the day before the note went up on the door!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:07 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #9.8   kermit

      FeRD – If people actually retrieve items from your “lost and found” pile, then you can also impose a rent fee scheme.

      Your Barbie sat on my balcony for x days before you came to get it, so at $__ /day plus my handling fee of carrying it to this table, so you owe me $ ___. For repeat offenders with kids that like to throw stuff out the window, you can raise the rates accordingly.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:38 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.9   deprogrammed

      Please! Open an Etsy account for upcyclers, so it can be ridiculed here. As if we need more physical representations of cautionary tales.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #9.10   Jordie

      Sounds like you’ve found everything AND the kitchen sink!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.11   Nick

      Oh my god, FeRD, you MUST tell us about the time you went to the people who threw the construction debris in your yard and kicked their asses.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 5:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.12   Ashes

      Sounds like my apartment building. It’s disgusting; I can’t even safely walk my dog, and I can’t sit on my balcony because of the constant falling debris, which is mostly food (???) Kids can’t even play in the grass, it’s so full of crap at all times (and we have people that clean up, too!)

      We had a bad fire last year from some doucheknuckle throwing lit butts off their balcony. Had it stopped? Nope.

      I think I will get some gloves and create some butt art one night… And I’ll use toothpicks to make sure they don’t blow away.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.13   Zorin

      This is going to make me think seriously about getting any apartment with a yard, balcony or courtyard overlooked by other units overhead.

      Wow, people are SO FREAKING DISGUSTING!

      Mar 22, 2012 at 11:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #9.14   BB

      I could never, ever live in a city for this reason. I have a huge fear of random things falling on me from buildings, especially sinks!

      Mar 23, 2012 at 8:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #10   infanttyrone

    Bring that 24-count case of Yoplait out of the fridge, Marge.
    And grab that Sam’s Club container of paprika while you’re at it.
    We’re gonna get no-cal medieval on their asses tonight.

    Mar 20, 2012 at 11:01 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #11   MT

    You should quit?

    Mar 20, 2012 at 11:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   Someone

    Ugh. So many smokers don’t realize how much they bother other people. Or they just don’t care. Cigarette smoke makes me sick, and people are always smoking as they walk down the sidewalks or pausing next to building smoking, and most of them just drop their butts on the sidewalk.

    Smoke in places where it doesn’t affect anyone else or don’t smoke at all, assholes. God, I hate people who smoke.

    Mar 20, 2012 at 11:16 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Nikki

      Don’t worry… Their shortened lifespan will prevent them from bothering you much longer.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 1:41 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   drsnacks

      So many people are clueless about how their entitled antisocial attitudes justifiably encourage the same attitudes from others in retaliation.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 6:10 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   weaselby

      I get so irritated when I have to breathe smoke in a public area. Second-hand smoke causes cancer, too. How is it ok for them to kill other people with their smoke?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:09 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   The Elf

      Don’t hang out with smokers? That’s always been my solution.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   Deet

      There’s no avoiding them loitering around doorways, sitting in patios, etc. Toronto is, thankfully, considering banning all smoking outdoors anywhere near indoor spaces. We’ll be able to sit in the sun and enjoy it for a change.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 11:18 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   Kes

      Hey, I resent that.

      I smoke. However, I never smoke when another person is near me. I carry a little tin with me if I ever smoke outside my home I have a “portable ashtray” and don’t leave ash nor cigarettes’ butts behind. It’s my addiction*, my trash, my smoke. I keep it with me.

      *Ok, not really. I’m able to smoke like an addict for a couple of days and quit for the rest of the year. It just come and goes.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 11:10 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   BB

      Your little hate comment has convinced me to blow smoke in everyone’s face today.

      Mar 23, 2012 at 8:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.8   happy

      I smoke and I am very self-contious about it. I feel terible when I walk by anyone especially if the smoke gets near them. I’m so embarassed when people see me smoking. I hate dropping my butts on the sidewalk and I get so mad when people don’t have ashtrays. I just realised how rediculous it is for me to me mad at a buiness for not acomodating me with a stinky trash tower (and risking having it catch fire all the time which those things are always doing.) I think about my health care costs effecting the economy because I may some day get cancer and cost lots and lots of money for treatment.
      *a smoker, not all of us are entitled jerks, just stupid

      Apr 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   Amy

    Smokers suck AND blow!

    Mar 20, 2012 at 11:26 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   unsatisfied

      if that’s true, they’re now a-ok in my book!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   BB

      If she smokes, she pokes?

      Mar 23, 2012 at 8:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   Jen

    I don’t know why smokers don’t consider their cigarette butts to be litter. I mean, I wouldn’t finish eating a bunch of chips and then chuck the empty bag out my window.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 12:16 am   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   angie

      This is what I don’t get. People smoking outside is bothersome, but I’d so much rather they do it there than inside, so, whatever. But who told a smoker it’s okay to just throw their butts on the ground or out a window or whatever? It’s so disgusting. My sister used to throw her butts in her own lawn, and then pay her kids a nickel each to pick them up. WTF? Wouldn’t it just be easier to put it out and throw it in a tin on the porch that you empty occasionally?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 6:09 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   drsnacks

      It’s the result of aggressive anti-normalization of smoking. Smoking is enough of a social “wrong” now that it’s pointless to be civil about a minor aspect of the act (especially since the “wrongedness” of it is underlined by the decimation of public ashtrays).

      Mar 21, 2012 at 6:17 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   kermit

      I don’t see how the decimation of ashtrays should be an issue. Garbage cans are perfectly good ashtrays and there’s usually plenty of them around outside office buildings.

      And no offence, but I remember some smokers being inconsiderate jerks even before smoking was banned just about everywhere. The people who were considerate smokers before are still considerate about it now.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:33 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   The Elf

      Sorry, Drsnacks, this isn’t public space so your decrease of public ashtrays doesn’t apply. It’s just plain rude not to dispose of your trash properly regardless of current political climate towards smoking. It’s rude and inconsiderate. I agree with Kermit that considerate smokers were and still are considerate; that this is more a reflection on the specific smoker’s personality than cigarette politics.

      We don’t see the polite smokers because they don’t leave evidence that they were there.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:51 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   Alan


      Your sister is creating a stimulus package. Stop helping the terrorists win with your scepticism, please.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:56 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #14.6   nyuu

      @kermit: Garbage cans are perfectly good ashtrays

      I’ve been told specifically that garbage cans are not to be used as ashtrays since the embers in the butts have the potential to re-ignite and burn stuff.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:30 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #14.7   FeRD bang

      @nyuu: True, smokers are usually admonished not to dispose of their butts in trash cans, for the reasons you cite.

      Apparently, they can’t even be trusted to conscientiously and thoroughly extinguish the smoldering torch of their self-abuse, before abdicating all responsibility for it. But, hey, that’s OK. Because, yaknow… carelessly chucking a possibly-still-burning wad of paper and artificial fibers out into the surrounding environment? Surely there’s no chance of accidentally igniting anything that way!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:59 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #14.8   AlfaCowboy

      @drsnacks: We have six ashtrays in the smoking area at my office, but the smoking contingent still seem to prefer the sidewalk and landscaping. Nobody bothers them or hurls anti-smoking epithets. They just appear to enjoy littering. I mean, I guess they may be hurt that folks choose to walk around, rather than through, the smoky smoking area, but that’s an actual physical, self-preserving choice, not an expression of aggressive social ostracization.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:21 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #14.9   sally

      Yeah, I’m with you. It seems entirely logical that a discarded cigarette butt is litter, but it’s apparently not a universal understanding among smokers.

      In my early 20s, I worked at a coffee shop with a drive-thru. It was incredibly common for people to throw their butts out the car window while they were ordering at the speaker box or waiting in line. We’d have to send someone out there at least twice a day to sweep up. It was disgusting. What did they think, that the unwanted cigarette butt just melted quietly into the earth?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #14.10   Noelegy

      I live in Texas. You may have seen in the news that we were ravaged by wildfires last year, and we are still under a burn ban/drought notice.

      I’m a pretty peaceful and non-confrontational person, but something that rouses me to a rage to shake the heavens is seeing someone pitch a cigarette butt from a moving vehicle. I think people who do that should be buried up to their necks in cigarette butts. Lit or unlit depends on their individual offense… :)

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #14.11   wright1

      Where I used to work, there was a trashcan with a removable ashtray in the lid, next to the walk leading to the employee entrance. When we came in from breaks, the smokers would dispose of their butts there.

      Trouble was, sometimes they wouldn’t completely extinguish them and the other butts would catch fire. And the wind was channeled by the building (a big warehouse) so that it not only stoked the fire but blew the smoke right
      into the outside break area.

      So next break we’d come out and find ourselves downwind of a small (fortunately contained) fire fueled entirely by tobacco and filter-tips. Looking back, I’m amazed the company was never cited for the obvious fire hazard.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.12   angie

      @14.5 – Unsurprisingly, my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer at age 42, and stopped smoking.

      (Still alive five years later, although she’s had a couple of metastatic setbacks.)

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #14.13   kermit

      cruel lung cancer finding: most people develop lung cancer after they’ve quit smoking.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 11:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.14   Daniel Xerxes

      I’m a smoker, and I’m still team note writer. All of this talk about how we’re assholes, and I admit, a lot of smokers make me angry too. They’ll be standing right next to the cigarette butt deposit… thing. And yet I see them flick it toward the parking lot. And also, how freaking hard is it to butt it out and put it into a trash can? It doesn’t take more than a few seconds of my time. You don’t HAVE to throw it in there still lit.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 2:08 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #14.15   happy

      Those ciggarette diposotorys always get stuffed shut at the top and catch fire year round in the bottom. How is it that after centurys of ashtrashs and the invention of the computer they can’t make a bucket for little tiny peices paper.

      Apr 5, 2012 at 10:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #15   Paige bang

    This is awesome.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 2:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   AlfaCowboy

    I kind of hate smokers. Walk through a carcinogenic cloud into the office, all the while stepping on cigarette butts. I don’t throw my coffee cups or takeout containers ont he ground. Why should their chosen addiction exempt them from normal considerate human behavior? I understand they can legally get their fix on the premises, regardless of the smelly health hazard they create, but can the super duper rebellious cool kids please clean up after themselves?

    Mar 21, 2012 at 8:15 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Alan

      ‘super duper rebellious cool kids ‘

      This isn’t therapy.

      I am sorry you were bullied at school, though.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:42 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   AlfaCowboy

      Dude, it’s a joke. Humor site, you know. Hyperbole, passive-aggressive themes… Since you clearly didn’t get it, I will tediously explain. It was a statement poking fun at smokers, making heavy-handed reference to the historical marketing of smoking as a cool way to express ones ruggedness or individualism. I tried to be obvious, specifically for folks like you. Apparently I was not heavy-handed enough. Alas.

      I was and am far too good-looking to ever be bullied :):)

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:47 am   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   Alan

      You’re right!

      … that was tedious…!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:04 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   AlfaCowboy

      I know, right? It sucks having to explain something so obvious. I will try to be even more obvious for you next time.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:09 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #16.5   Alan

      Yeah, you keep saying that, about it being obvious that you were joking, but I’ve re-read your first comment and there’s nothing jokey in it.

      It’s just a tedious statement about smokers and workplaces, with a whine running through it.

      Maybe it’s the more ‘observational’ humour Americans apparently find so funny. Hard to say really! Thanks for your consideration though, you sound alright for an alpha!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:22 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.6   johnnyboy

      ALAN ! … Alan ! Alan !… ALAN ! Alan ! Alan !… Alan ! Alan ! Alan ! ALAN ! Alan !… Alan ! Alan ! Alan ! Alan ! … Alan ! Alan !ALAN ! Alan ! Alan ! ALAN !

      Mar 21, 2012 at 9:52 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.7   AlfaCowboy

      “Super duper rebellious cool kids” was the only phrase you separated and called into question. I therefore explained that phrase. Jesus tits but you make me tired.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:09 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #16.8   Noelegy

      Several months ago, they made my workplace a “smoke-free campus.” There is no longer a designated smoking area, and employees cannot even smoke in their cars on the parking lot. Sounds great, right? Wrong. They just go right across the street and loiter on other businesses’ property, or even STAND IN THE STREET. At least with the smoking area, they weren’t so visible or in the way.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.9   infanttyrone

      Haven’t heard the expression “Jesus tits” for nigh on 30 years.
      You’d've gotten one thumb one thumb for the reply.
      Too bad we can’t give extra points for nostalgia.
      Fire up the Delorean…

      Mar 21, 2012 at 1:04 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.10   AlfaCowboy

      I know…I’m not particularly hip. It’s a known issue .

      Mar 21, 2012 at 1:27 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.11   kermit

      And you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, either. That might also be an issue (beyond repair).

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.12   AlfaCowboy

      Actually Kermit, I’m very, very deadly serious about everything, which is why I’m on a humor-themed website making public statements. You’d better call the police!!!!!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #16.13   AlfaCowboy

      Also, Schoolmarm Kermit, you have to have some sense of humor and the ridiculous to appreciate humor. Perhaps if you loosened your corset, you would enjoy things a little more.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #16.14   kermit

      Making passive aggressive comments isn’t really the point of a blog about passive aggressive notes. And if you had a modicum of wit you’d know that, Alfalfa sprout.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.15   AlfaCowboy

      You’re right, Madame. How could I have been so misled? The point is clearly to police other folks’ comments for anything that might be vaguely inappropriate, not feasible in the real world, or somehow slightly out of keeping with your personal interpretation of the site’s purpose. Thank goodness that I, and all the other poor souls lacking a “modicum of wit,” have such a kindly old hall monitor like you to correct us! You need a badge, or some golden scrub brush epaulets or something like that to denote your elevated station.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.16   kermit

      Yesterday you called me mister and now I am “madame”. Hmm…Tomorrow, will you turn me into a jellyfish? And explain yet again to everyone how truly funny you are since we’re all too dumb to understand your sense of humour?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.17   infanttyrone

      Ah, it finally sounds like old times ’round here…
      Now you younguns scuttle the bicker boat or I’m turnin’ this jalopy around and youze can spend yer summer vacation in yer rooms…

      Jellyfish ? Can they do that ?
      And which one of you is Ishmael ?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 6:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.18   kermit

      Mah dignity and honour have been besmirched, capt’n.

      Pistols at dawn, I say!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 6:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.19   infanttyrone

      But if you choose sabers, then you have a chance to get another scar to match that one you got in Heidelberg.
      Whether you win or lose, you’ll look Absolutely Mahvellous. :-)

      Besmirched ! Methinks the Delorean forsooth is on a croissant now.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.20   AlfaCowboy

      It appears most folks didn’t have a problem getting it, Fraulein Kermit. My explanation was meant specifically for you and one other old lady like you who, as you say, are too dumb to get it. I’m glad that’s settled, and I applaud the courage you showed in admitting your intellectual shortcomings. Really, you’re a true Princess, buddy old, buddy old pal.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #16.21   Nahhh bang


      @AlphaCowboy: Get a blog.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 8:54 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.22   AlfaCowboy

      Thumbs up for the brevity, Nahhh.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 8:08 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #16.23   John Alansan

      Hey Alpha, is there a CD on the market of you telling and then explaining jokes? My baby is having trouble developing into a psychopath so I thought I could play the CD as she sleeps…

      Mar 26, 2012 at 9:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.24   AlfaCowboy

      No John, there is not. Most folks get obvious humor and therefore don’t need it explained. I imagine your child, given his/her obvious genetic shortcomings, probably will. I would go ahead and start searching for qualified help, since I would definitely not want to get anywhere near you or your faily.

      Mar 26, 2012 at 9:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.25   John Alansan

      Wait, was that a joke? Or was it serious advice?

      Maybe you could start using some kind of text marking system to make it easy for the general public.

      I’ll write back later and let you know about how my search for your CD goes. Do you have any .wav files on your Twitters?

      Mar 27, 2012 at 4:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.26   AlfaCowboy

      As difficult as it may be for you, John, that’s an evaluation you need to learn to make for yourself. I can’t hold your hand and help you your whole life, John. There are too many other village idiots like you in the world.

      Mar 27, 2012 at 8:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.27   Alan

      This is fun.

      Apr 2, 2012 at 8:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #16.28   happy

      “Smoky says, ____ you”
      OMG I cannot beleive all of you getting so worked up about the cool kid coment. This topic is irrationally controvercial.
      AlfaCowboy, you are neither funny nor smart enough to have made these people so angry. I don’t get it. You are very funny though. I’d read your blog.
      None of these hundreds of comments give slogan for the butts. I saw 3 slogans in the whole lot. Just goes to show you how much these people are concerned for other peoples personal space and feelings. What if that was your post and no one answered you. I would be hurt.

      Apr 5, 2012 at 10:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #16.29   FeRD bang

      @happy: There’s nothing in life that would actually justify this firehose-torrent of ire that developed from Alf’y's original comment. (Although his repeatedly taking any and all bait, in response after response, helped none. — Still, I don’t get how Alan escaped unscathed despite his obvious instigating.) But, such is the Internet.

      Apr 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #17   JC

    There’s no such thing as a ‘polite’ smoker lol

    Mar 21, 2012 at 8:46 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #18   Amy In Toronto

    Could this be the note-writer’s / ash-arranger’s attempt at channeling the magic and wonder from E.B. White’s Charlotte’s Web?

    Maybe next week, the property management’s name should be spelled out clearly, since they don’t seem to be in the loop on this kerfuffle.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 9:52 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   AlfaCowboy

      That’s pretty damn good. Perhaps we’re all missing the boat and smokers are really providing a valuable opportunity to engage in public art.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.2   The Elf

      Mr. Zuckerman! The sidewalk spells out “Some Butt!” It’s a miracle!

      Mar 21, 2012 at 11:04 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #18.3   AlfaCowboy

      Very nice, The Elf.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 11:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #19   yolanda

    Smokers can be some of the foulest people on the planet. it’s very hard to be a clean person and maintain such a dirty habit with the yellow film on the walls, the ashes blowing around the table, the brown fingers, the brown teeth, the foul breath, and those damn filters that never decompose all over the ground.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 10:43 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #20   Daniel

    I’m a smoker and I love it. I’ll stop killing myself and mother earth when you OCD freaks start sitting all the way down on public toilets.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   SeeYouInTea

      Because pissing on a toilet is totally just like smoking, amirite?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   deprogrammed

      Voiding one’s bladder is necessary; forcing your lungs to accept an unnatural state of being filled with smoke and carcinogens as a drug delivery system, not so much.

      Which one is easier to fix?

      Mar 21, 2012 at 12:46 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Daniel

      Nope. Smoking is like saying “fuck me.” Pissing on a toilet is like saying “fuck you.” Totally different.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #21   Tina

    What’s annoying-and dangerous-are the a-holes who chuck “lit” cigarettes anywhere. Those people REALLY suck!

    Mar 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #22   WTF2nd bang

    I feel this note should be accompanied by some sort of early morning musical number, composed specifically for this situation. complete with trumpets and snare drums and crash symbols. Perhaps you could also sing a melody about your feelings on the subject…

    Mar 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Heather from Toronto

      Oh I am so on it.

      (Un?)fortunately, two days after I made my creation someone came and swept up all of the butts. If it happens again I am going to get all Broadway/performance art/Charlott’es Web on their asses. All excellent suggestions.

      And to everyone asking- no, of course I didn’t use gloves. In fact, I licked my fingers every now and then to help me pick up the butts more easily. Delish.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 3:31 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   kermit

      Bless you, Heather. Though really you have waay too much time on your hands.

      I would have just abused the office photocopier to print out multiple copies of diseased lungs and taped them to everyone’s door, with a nice little sachet of cigarette butts as an added bonus gift.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #23   bookworm

    +10 internets for creativity, but I’m going to pretend the NW had gloves on when they did that.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #24   Lauri

    My dad (r.i.p.) was probably the only considerate smoker I’ve ever met. Instead of throwing the butts on the ground he would scrub out the lit end and either put the butt in the cuff of his pants or in his pocket until he could find a place to properly throw it away. He did this even in his own yard.

    Back in my club days it was always a hazard to walk through a crowded club because people were careless with their cigs. I was burnt by people waving their hands around. I also witnessed girls putting out their cigarettes on a CARPETED floor in a nicer club when an ashtray was only a few steps away. Clearly the cigs affect people’s brains as well. But I guess if you don’t care about yourself why should we expect you to care about anyone else?

    Mar 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   herpderp

      One of my dearest friends is a smoker in the vein of your dad. Bless their hearts.

      Mar 21, 2012 at 10:48 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #25   Brian H

    I don’t care if people smoke. As long as it doesn’t got directly in my face I’m ok.

    I do however despise that smokers can’t put their butts in the trash. When I was in the Army we had to pick up trash everyday including the butts of the smokers. I’m still resentful.

    Mar 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Noelegy

      That’s pretty much my attitude. I don’t smoke, never have, never will. My friends don’t smoke and most of my family doesn’t. I’m not often exposed to it. But it is still a legal–if nasty–activity.

      I am only offended by those smokers who can’t dispose of their butts properly.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 12:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #26   kyle

    How about “Stop being ashholes”


    Mar 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #27   jenni

    after having read through the bulk of these comments, i think i can pretty safely say that non-smokers are the worst. and i say this as a person that actually *agrees* with much of what you guys are saying….you just come off as the most self-entitled group of douches ever. i mean, really, how far up your own butt do you have to be to think that banning outdoor smoking is ok?

    Mar 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   drsnacks

      That the proliferation of outdoor patios is primarily in response to indoor doing bans especially illuminates their clueless narcissism.

      Mar 22, 2012 at 8:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Poltergeist

      Say whatever you want. At least I won’t be the one with rotten teeth coughing up a lung. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

      Mar 24, 2012 at 11:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   AlfaCowboy

      Self-entitled? Because we would think smokers should pick up their trask rather than throw it on the ground? Yeah, that’s completely unreasonable. What douchebag thinks folks should clean up after themselves?

      Mar 26, 2012 at 8:54 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #28   Renee

    I suggest everyone who hates smoke should move to Australia. Here is QLD we have very strict laws about smoking, can’t be within X meters of entrances to buildings, can’t smoke in clubs or pubs unless they have a designated outdoor smoking area.
    My workplace ( a university campus) has recently become ‘smoke free’ with a couple of ‘if you must smoke, go here’ locations – I’ve been tempted to have a go at a few students who break this rule. Personally I don’t want to catch their cancer.

    Couldn’t believe how behind other countries are with this. In spain we sat down for breakfast in a cafe and a buy sat down and lit a CIGAR at the table next to us o.0 it was breakfast time. sooo disgusting.

    Mar 22, 2012 at 11:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Paige bang

      Is “behind” really the right word? That guy in Spain was totally inconsiderate (Edit: provided he was smoking too close to you, should’ve mentioned that), but that doesn’t make Spain backward. I hate how bitchy I sound/am being, but thought it should be said.
      I live in Australia, have my whole life, and never smoked, by the way.

      Mar 23, 2012 at 1:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.2   drsnacks

      My God – sensual evidence of another person with separate desires existing!

      Mar 23, 2012 at 6:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.3   Amy In Toronto

      Toronto has similar no-smoking laws that are supposed to keep people from smoking within a certain radius of a building’s entrance, but it’s a very difficult law to enforce.

      I personally don’t have a problem with smokers. I don’t like smoke so I choose not to be around it, if at all possible. The odd time that I’m stuck near a person who smokes on a patio or something, I’ve never had anyone deliberately or maliciously blow smoke in my face; most smokers seem to blow in the direction of the wind.

      It’s the littering issue that gets me angered. I wish there were a way to publicly shame those who litter and treat the city like their own personal garbage can, but shouting “Litterbug!” at someone just doesn’t cut it. I once witnessed a woman in a very expensive car in a swanky part of town lower her window and toss out a full bag of McDonald’s onto the street where she happened to be parked. I was so incensed – but without the wherewithal to know HOW to make her feel bad about what she just did – that I picked up her trash and disposed of it properly.

      I’d appreciate any advice about how to deal with nasty litter-ers.

      Mar 23, 2012 at 9:22 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #28.4   Paige bang

      If they litter but don’t immediately leave, you could deliberately walk over, pick it up and throw it out in front of them. It should get the point across, even if it’s a bit too much in the spirit of PAN.

      If they do leave (and you get a kick out of confrontation), you could always throw the litter at them.

      Mar 23, 2012 at 7:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #28.5   John Alansan

      Australia has a terrible issue with obesity.

      I take it you’re planning to start slapping cakes out of the hands of your neighbours also? It’s a killer!!!!

      Mar 26, 2012 at 9:23 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #29   drsnacks

    My God – sensual evidence of another person with separate desires existing!

    Mar 23, 2012 at 5:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   Miho

    Sweep them up and dump them in front of the smokers’ doors. Add dog poop for effect.

    Mar 24, 2012 at 1:00 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #31   Erin

    You Ash-hole

    Apr 1, 2012 at 11:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #32   Rick

    Okay, I am reformed smoker so I know this is hypocritical but I hate cigarette smoke. I live in the beaches and my neighbours smoke in their backyards. Is it wrong that I hate it; and sort of hate them? When I walk outside there is the choking stench of cigarette smoke. My yard is surrounded by other yards so I feel like I’m surrounded by smokers. Due to the close proximity sometimes I even can smell cigarette smoke in my home when the windows are open during the warmer months. I wish these people would lock themselves in their homes with their cigarettes and its smoke and hasten their departure so I can enjoy some fresh air.

    Apr 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #33   Rick

    I have to reply to Amy in Toronto regarding the litterbugs. I once watched a girl get a cookie from a Tim Hortons drive thru window. After getting the cookie, in its usual small brown bag she promptly removed it and then rolled her window down about three inches and tossed the bag out before starting to drive off.

    I honked my horn and threw up my hand to get her to look in rear view and in order to shame her in front of the other customers. The odd thing was the person I was with, my girlfriend at the time acted as if I was crazy. She slunked down in her seat covered her face and said she was mortally embarrassed.

    I still think it was a good thing to do and next time I hope you will shame these filthy creatures who insist on littering. There may not be a lot of ashtrays in the city, but there sure are a lot of garbage cans so there is no excuse.

    Apr 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #34   happy

    “Smoky says, ____ you”
    OMG I cannot beleive all of you getting so worked up about the cool kid coment. This toppic is irrationally controvercial.
    AlfaCowboy, you are neither funny or smart enough to have made those people so angry. I don’t get it. You are very funny though. I’d read your blog.

    Apr 5, 2012 at 10:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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