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Welcome to Texas

April 10th, 2012 · 63 comments

…where Santa brings you bunny stationery and a shotgun in the same stocking!

I got a new Benelli SuperNova for Christmas. Keep jiggling my door handle and I will show it to you personally. Have a nice day!

related: The right to bear fruit

FILED UNDER: Dallas/Fort Worth · have a nice day · neighbors · nice stationery · not-so-veiled threats · Texas

63 responses so far ↓

  • #1   PJ

    I can’t stop laughing, just to stinkin’ funny!
    (I’m a bunny mum)

    Apr 10, 2012 at 9:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #2   JK

    If you’d asked me what a Benelli Supernova was, I’d have guessed either the Italian version of a Volvo or a drink the girls had on Sex and the City.

    Apr 10, 2012 at 10:10 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   kermit

      Me too, JK.

      I don’t know if my ignorance of gun names should worry me, but I am glad I don’t live in this person’s building. People with Italian gun names are probably friends with Italian mobsters.

      Apr 10, 2012 at 10:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   FeRD bang

      Yeah, I have to say — only in Texas (well, okay, maybe not only) would they just toss the name out there without further explanation. Because, c’mon, how stupid can someone be, that they don’t know what a Benelli Supernova is??

      I’d understand how it could be an issue if the note mentioned something obscure that few Texans are familiar with, like a passport or a high school diploma. But every Lone Star lad’s dreamt of owning a Bennelli Supernova practically his whole life! Ever since that first shootin’ lesson from daddy in the school parking lot, when they arrived early and had some time before kindergarten roll call.

      Apr 10, 2012 at 11:41 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   kermit

      FeRD, are you sure that Texans like Italian manufactured guns? Are they also fond of Kalashnikovs, or are those undesirable because the Taliban / Afghans use them?

      Granted, I’ve never been to Texas, but I would assume that they’d disembowel anybody that would choose foreign-made gun over the a Smith & Wesson. A Yankee made gun surely is better than an Eyetalian one or, heaven forbid a Ruskie one.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 2:11 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Tech

      I thought it was something to do with Astrology

      Apr 11, 2012 at 5:43 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Noelegy

      Gee, FeRD, assume much?

      This Texan has a passport, degrees, AND all my own teeth!

      Apr 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   TK

      FeRD- I’m from the midwest and I know the name Benelli when I see it.

      kermit- Smith & Wesson is not known for shotguns.

      Benelli, on the other hand, makes very good shotguns.

      And yes, Texans like Benelli shotguns.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 3:21 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   Aliceblue

      You mean it isn’t a new star discovered by in Italian scientist? I mean, they need something cool up there since Pluto got “demoted.”

      Apr 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #2.8   The White Clouds of Opium bang

      Benelli is shorthand for a very well-made, and very expensive, scattergun.

      And yes, Texians are very fond of Kalashnikovs. AK’s are indestructable, and we can be a bit tough on our weapons. :)

      Apr 13, 2012 at 4:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.9   FeRD bang

      @Noelegy: So you’re the one! Congratulations, o special snowflake!

      Apr 13, 2012 at 2:53 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #2.10   Rumtopf

      I’m British and I thought it was a food at first glance :I Lol, guns.

      Sep 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   UnclGhost

    Oh jesus. I would move away first thing in the morning.

    Apr 10, 2012 at 10:12 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Elf

      Seriously! Now they’ll rob my apartment instead!

      Apr 12, 2012 at 7:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #4   thrall

    At least now the thieves know what to take when they break into the apartment! Saves them a bunch of time.

    Apr 10, 2012 at 10:20 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   El Jefe

      Whatever. That guy is praying that thieves break into his place so he can try out his new present.

      At least that’s what I pray for.

      Apr 10, 2012 at 10:22 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Lenny!

      Yes, because only the manliest men threaten thieves with shot guns and smiley, oh so lovely pink bunny stationary.

      That’s what I pray for in a man.

      Apr 10, 2012 at 10:30 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   deepintheheart

      Who says it’s a man?

      Apr 10, 2012 at 11:08 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   spicytunakitty

      I was thinking the same thing! The women in Texas can be pretty scary.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 8:54 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Who passed out the Haterade?

      Am I a weirdo for thinking that if someone breaks into your apartment, that’s an implicit threat of bodily harm (which can be responded to in kind)? To assume “Well, they’re just here to take my stuff, it’s not like they’re going to hurt me or anything” seems a little too idealistic.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 9:02 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   The Elf

      Texas has the castle doctrine, so Note Writer is on pretty firm legal footing if someone keeps jiggling their door handle.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 7:26 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   Seanette

      The handwriting looks quite young-woman to me.

      Apr 13, 2012 at 8:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   Nancy Jean

    Can that really be considered “passive” aggressive? A threat to shoot sounds pretty plain old aggressive to me!!

    Apr 10, 2012 at 11:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   FeRD bang

      Hey, hey, hold on! Nobody said anything about shooting!

      Jeeeeez, gets so you can’t even throw out a few veiled threats in a bunny-stationery note, or people start accusing you of all sorts of things!

      Apr 10, 2012 at 11:44 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Sesquipedalian

      But it doesn’t actually threaten to shoot you. It merely implies that, with a “Have a nice day!” at the end, and does it on pink bunny stationery. It’s as PA as they come.

      Apr 10, 2012 at 11:45 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Uly

      Wait, wait – shoot? Who said anything about shooting? All the notewriter said is that if we jiggle the doorhandle enough, we’ll get to see the nifty gun!

      I wonder if they’ll let us take a picture as well. It lasts longer, you know.

      Apr 14, 2012 at 10:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #6   The Gray Adder

    Is it a pump-action shotgun? That would be the defensive weapon of choice for me. The sound of one of those being charged would make any sane person wet his or her pants. I’d never have to actually fire it.

    Apr 11, 2012 at 7:39 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      Damn straight, gray adder. When we had a string of problems in my old neighborhood – including a shooting in the street behind my house – I got a pump action shotgun (Winchester). I already knew how to use guns of all sorts, but I only had rifles in the house. Shotgun is the best weapon for home self defense, hands-down. And the pump ratchet sound is just the icing on the cake.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 7:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   The White Clouds of Opium bang

      My Mossberg is an autoloader.

      Warnings end at my front door.

      Apr 13, 2012 at 4:40 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   afezio

      My dad always told me when we went to buy my first gun back in the early 80′s, everyone will understand the universal language of putting one in the chamber.So I chose a pistol grip 12 guage Mossberg.
      He has never steered me wrong in 3 states, LA, TX and even WA.And all violence has been averted.

      Jun 27, 2012 at 11:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   joshua

    Yes, it’s a pump-action. At least it seems likely he/she has the “field” version rather then the “tactical” version which is more intended for
    police forces.

    Apr 11, 2012 at 8:15 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #8   Dane Zeller

    I used to have a Benelli Supernova. It had six cylinders and a 5-speed manual transmission. It was designed by the great Columbo Benelli of Venice. Not many sold, especially to anyone living in Texas.

    It would not fit in an apartment, however.

    Apr 11, 2012 at 9:05 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #9   texan

    actually, Benelli Supernova is code for “massive vibrator” here. We’re comfortable with guns but we can be a little repressed sexually. “Jiggle my handle,” indeed.

    Apr 11, 2012 at 9:24 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Aliceblue

      Damnit! Just got the Benelli Nova 8 months ago and NOW they introduce the Supernova!

      Apr 14, 2012 at 2:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Beatus Mongous

      That’s what I first thought, and I was ready to go jiggle the handle.

      Apr 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   ANja

    I’ve lived in Texas all my life and never heard of a Benelli supernova, and I have a passport and a highschool diploma and I’m not scary. Getting tired of the stereotyping by people who have never even been here.

    Apr 11, 2012 at 10:19 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   kermit

      ANja – If you want to get rid of Texas stereotyping, perhaps you shouldn’t respond with a token comment.

      It’s a virtual certainty that whenever someone says anything remotely general about a certain group of people, there will be a person that pipes up to contradict them.

      A: “Smoking causes lung cancer”
      B: “Mah grand pappy smoked 3 packs a day with George Burns and died at 100 years of age.”
      C: “My friend never smoked a day in her life and dropped dead of lung cancer at 43.”

      Apr 11, 2012 at 10:49 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   Noelegy

      That’s okay, ANja, we haven’t even gotten to how we’re all oil millionaires who ride horses around our ranches, and wear spurs to bed.

      Think I’ve told this here before, but years ago, a manager from corporate headquarters in PA at a past job came down to visit us in Dallas and exclaimed, “This can’t be Texas! You have TREES!”

      Years ago on a newsgroup, the bashing of the South was a team sport, frequently played. Occasionally, myself and a North Carolinian would voice objection, only to be told not to worry, we were GOOD Southerns.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   infanttyrone

      A credit to your geographical areas ?

      Yankees could be a bit patronizing way back then.
      Some never lost the knack.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   bliffit

      “This can’t be Texas! You have TREES!”

      I live in another part of the South but I hear things like that all the time. One of my favorites was an earnest twenty-something who asserted her superiority by claiming, “I went to school in the liberal North where the Revolutionary War was actually fought.”

      That poor girl’s history teacher skipped over the entire second half of the war — including Cornwallis’s surrender at Yorktown! She could’ve gotten a more well-rounded education if one class period was devoted to watching The Patriot.

      Apr 11, 2012 at 8:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.5   The Elf

      Been to Texas (Dallas and San Antonio), never lived there, liked it well enough. Yes, there are some misapplied stereotypes for sure. But that happens everywhere. It’s just a little harmless fun.

      But wearing spurs to bed? I didn’t know that one. Maybe I should have stayed in Texas a little longer!

      Apr 12, 2012 at 7:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.6   Hoopy Frood

      I’m fairly certain that most of the stereotypes thrown around here are just for fun, and not serious.

      I’ve lived throughout the South, Midwest, and Northeast US – and I still throw around stereotypes about all of these places in jest. (Trailer parks/guns/Brooklyn accents/cowboys/whatever)

      Apr 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   mutzali

    As General Sheridan said, “If I owned Hell and Texas, I’d rent out Texas and live in Hell.”

    Apr 11, 2012 at 2:31 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   infanttyrone

      Although he may not have *really* ever said it, Presidente Porfirio Diaz probably would have Tejas in mind when he is quoted as saying:

      “¡Pobre México! ¡Tan lejos de Dios y tan cerca de los Estados Unidos!”
      (Poor Mexico, so far from God and so close to the United States!)

      Apr 11, 2012 at 7:57 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #12   Brian H

    A Benneli Supernova is a very good shotgun, one of the best you can buy. Not cheap either.

    As far as stereotyping Texans, it’s rather intellectually lazy to slap on the “texans are all stupid hicks” label. My dad is from Texas and was an electrical engineer and worked on nuclear bombs. He was also raised on a ranch so he knew how to shoot, ride, hunt, and care for farm animals which he also taught me. He’s a smart guy who is also a man.

    Small brains like !Ferd can’t make distinctions because it hurts their brains to do anything other than paint in broad strokes.

    Apr 12, 2012 at 1:46 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

      I just did a quick google search, and the Benelli Supernova starts at around $400, which to me seems pretty cheap for a firearm. Of course I don’t live in a country where death-dealing weapons can be bought from an ice cream truck for pocket change.

      As for Texans; you guys do keep voting for a governor who thinks organising a prayer meeting is a valid strategy for dealing with poor economic performance, so you’re not doing yourselves any favours.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 5:07 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   bliffit

      Texas gained four seats in the House of Representatives after the 2010 census. It looks like economic conditions are driving people to the state, not away from it.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 8:41 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   texan

      HEY! I’ll take a little ribbing about my home state, but don’t blame that moron on me! I have actively opposed him at every turn (as I did his moronic predecessor). There’s a lot of reflexive Republican voters here, but you might be surprised how many die-hard liberals there are, as well (not to mention the trees).

      Apr 12, 2012 at 11:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Noelegy

      “It looks like economic conditions are driving people to the state, not away from it.”

      Yup. We’ve got all kinds of fast-food joints here that used to be based in California and other less economically-favorable environs: Del Taco; Five Guys; In & Out; etc.

      The company I work for is getting ready to move its corporate headquarters from Manhattan to Dallas.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 3:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   Noelegy

      @texan: and we can boast of Ann Richards, as well.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   Katie

      Unless there was a second “rally” that Perry organized (and I wouldn’t put it past the dolt), it was about the rain, not the economic conditions. Still stupid, but perhaps slightly less stupid which, granted, isn’t saying much when it comes to him.

      And thanks, Chalk, but you can skip the “you guys” thing because I sure as hell didn’t vote for the slimeball either.

      Apr 13, 2012 at 8:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   FeRD bang

      @BH: If you can’t tell the difference between wildly-exaggerated caricature and actual opinions, or are going to get all butthurt and defensive about a stereotype, employed in jest, that doesn’t even remotely apply to you, then it’s not the size of my brain that should most concern you.

      And if you think a hyperbolic joke like that, made in the comments on this site, represents my intention to attack or denigrate a group of people, then you clearly haven’t seen the kind of shit I say about New Yorkers! (We’re at least as preposterous a bunch of assholes as you Texans, trust me!)

      Apr 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.8   Poltergeist

      In addition to being a bunch of stupid hicks, Texans apparently can’t take a joke either.

      What I just stated above should also be taken as a joke, in case you couldn’t tell…you stupid hick.

      Apr 13, 2012 at 9:57 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #13   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    I’d jiggle the handle more. Benelli make good shotguns apparently, and I’d like to see one. It’s very kind of the note-writer to offer to show it to people.

    Apr 12, 2012 at 5:04 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #14   The Elf

    That bunny stationary gets me more than the threat. It’s the kind of stationary that you’d use to methodically list the people you need to kill when you finally go on your revenge rampage.

    Apr 12, 2012 at 7:23 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Wench

      LOL so true! Bunny stationery, the choice of your local friendly serial killer….

      Apr 12, 2012 at 8:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #15   Wench

    Am I the only one who thought this was written like the intro to a really bad porn movie? (for some reason I’m hearing this in the voice of Marvin Gaye) “hey baby, jiggle my handle one more time and I’ll shoot my Benelli Supernova at you”….

    Apr 12, 2012 at 8:30 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   The Elf

      It’s pump action too.

      Apr 12, 2012 at 8:49 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   JC

    That is freakin hilarious ROFLMAO

    Apr 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   clumber

    I have yet to set foot in Texas, lived all but 4 (poorly-planned) years in the coffee and hippie PNW, and am a born and bred bleeding heart liberal commie pinko and not only do i know about the Supernova, but i have one stored next to the bedroom door on a cool upright rack device – at the ready should any fool rattle my doorknobs… just asking to see it. Hopefully they’d also like to see my awesome historical surplus military rifles (IBM M1 Carbine – I WIN!) and my bird-hunting awesome Citori. I love showing those off – they are very cool. The Stoegar Condor is a good bird gun too, just not as smooth. Nor as expensive.

    Now, for scarin’ the bunnies, as others have said nothing beats that Benelli pump- kaCHUNK! However, I’ll put my Citori up against anything for bird hunting.

    For my beloved’s Xmas present, I got her a lever-action rifle like in the old movies. You probably don’t even need to rattle her anythings — she’d love to show it off!

    I hold both an ACLU and an NRA card in my wallet. When bored i stage fights between them.

    Apr 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   quatfaux

      I read it “my bird-hunting awesome Clitori”, which made it much more interesting. I’d put my Clitori up against anything for bird hunting. Oh, yes!

      Apr 13, 2012 at 2:03 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Clumber

      I have never heard of that particular shotgun stance, but I would be very interested in seeing it attempted. Perhaps you should begin with a lighter gauge though, .410 maybe?

      Apr 18, 2012 at 12:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #18   cool


    May 16, 2012 at 9:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up