A serenity prayer with bite

April 27th, 2012 · 44 comments

Kelli in North Dakota says one of her neighbors plastered the entire building with these notes, directed to a certain wannabe baseball player/bull rider/oral cancer patient.

(Some not-so-fun facts: At 15.3%, North Dakota has the second-highest rate in the country of tobacco-chewing high schoolers. Among North Dakotan adult males, about 1 in 10 chews.)

Dear God, Please do not let me find out who put their chew on my door handle. Grant me the strength to not want to rip their bottom lip off when I find out who it was!

Meanwhile, here in Texas, submitter Katie is unsure whether her neighbors’ cars are being pelted with the likes of Copenhagen or queso. (In Texas, it really could go either way.)

TO WHOEVER IS THROWING DIP ON OUR CARS. I HOPE I CATCH YOU!

related: My garbage can is not your spit cup. 

FILED UNDER: God · neighbors · North Dakota · not-so-veiled threats · Texas · thanks (but not really)


44 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Sunshine

    Copenhagen?

    Apr 27, 2012 at 1:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Uninspired Required Name

      It’s a brand of tobacco dip.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 6:16 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   kate

      And what is tobacco dip?

      Apr 27, 2012 at 11:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Steph

      @kate: You stuff tobacco leaves in your mouth and chew on them. Then you spit it out.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   The White Clouds of Opium bang

      This reminds me of my time at military school, where we used cans of Cope as currency.

      Those were the days. So much misery in such a cramped little space.

      Apr 28, 2012 at 3:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   lupanime

    Bad Spit You?

    Apr 27, 2012 at 1:26 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Palomon

    There had to be a second spitter.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 1:41 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   infanttyrone

      The media love to give the Three Name Treatment to
      Assassins and devotees of Danish Culture.
      If John Wilkes Booth had survived… who knows?
      He might have had a future in Skoal commercials.
      The phrase “spittin’ image” would have been prominent.
      But them stage actors…you know, those emoters…
      onliest thing they know how to chew is the danged scenery.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Jitty

      Can’t help but think that the first spitter is named…GRANT. Please, Grant. Stop spitting.

      Apr 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Grant

    Everyone knows it’s the law to have dipped headlights.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 3:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Lisa S.

    Fun fact: “Dip” is a slang term for chewing tobacco. (Get it? Because you ‘dip’ into the container to get out the chew.)

    Apr 27, 2012 at 7:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Stacy

    EW.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 8:27 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   My name is Princess!

    ……..It was me!! …… runs away!

    Apr 27, 2012 at 9:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   SeeYouInTea

    I worked in a beauty and fragrance store a few years ago, and I found chew hidden between the Chanel fragrances. I didn’t even know what it was. I showed it to my manager and she informed me.
    I felt like I needed to dip my hands in bleach.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 10:12 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   redheadwglasses

      The can of chew could be something similar to the coffee beans some fragrance counters leave out, to cleanse the nasal palate between perfume sniffs.

      Apr 30, 2012 at 12:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   The Elf

    Chew on the door handle? Ewwwwwww!

    Chew on cars? Ewwwwww, and You’ve potentially ruined my paint job, ass.

    This makes dealing with cigarette butts sound positively pleasant. Most people who dip carry a makeshift spittoon like an old coke bottle or something. Be polite! Don’t just dispose of your own nasty tobacco-spit anywhere!

    Apr 27, 2012 at 10:57 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   JosiePie

      I was once in the middle seat on a crowded flight when, before takeoff, the guy in the window seat pulled out a tin of tobacco and put a wad in his mouth. He then opened his barph bag and put it on his lap, picking it back up every 10 to 15 seconds to spit into it.

      Once I got over my shock, I realized that there was no way I was going to sit next to that the whole flight. So I turned to him and said sternly “If you are going to do that the entire flight, I will puke.”

      Out came the tobacco. He continued to spit for a couple of minutes after, but then that was it. I can’t believe he could possibly have thought chewing and spitting into a bag was acceptable behavior on a flight.

      Apr 29, 2012 at 10:03 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   kate

    I honestly didn’t believe that people still chewed tobacco.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 11:40 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   SeeYouInTea

      I was at Walmart one day, and these two old guys were reminiscing about when a tin was 24 cents. They talked for what seemed like hours, while I waited behind them, with my one little item. I didn’t think people did it anymore until then.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 8:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Jami

      When my brother gave up smoking he took up chewing tobacco, thinking it would be less dangerous.

      Oh well, like Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Even when they’re family.

      Apr 29, 2012 at 5:33 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   it's naptime

    In Jessica Rabbit’s voice: “Oh my God it’s DIP!”

    Also I have just discovered that my kindle fire does not seem to have come equipped with a comma.

    Apr 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      Use the SYM.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   The Elf

      Nevermind, that was regular Kindle, not Kindle Fire. I don’t know anything about that. Sorry!

      Apr 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   jadefirefly

      It’s a pain in the ass to find. You have to hold down the period key; it’ll default to a comma after a second. This also provides a bunch of other punctuation options that aren’t immediately visible on the keyboard.

      Don’t try to mouse over the comma when the grid appears. Just release the period, and you’ll have a comma.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 5:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   it's naptime

      Cool. Thanks!

      Apr 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Pit Pat

    Who names their kid “Waoever?”

    Apr 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Kevin

    15.3% of high-schoolers seems pretty crazy.
    Made me wonder who the 1st ranked state is.
    Anyone know?

    Apr 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Conspiracy Theorist

      That would be Wyoming.

      Apr 29, 2012 at 11:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   BRBonobo

    So 15.3% of North Dakotans dip, but only 10% of North Dakotan adult males dip? Who is the demographic for chewing tobacco?

    Apr 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   jadefirefly

      No, 15.3% of high schoolers.

      Males, as far as I know. You don’t often see women chewing, I assume because spitting is “unladylike”, but I could be totally wrong.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   nick17

      I lived in neighboring Montana, and there were girls in my high school who chewed. And Montanans perceive themselves to be about 20x classier than anyone in North Dakota, so I’m guessing there’re some female dippers in ND.

      Apr 28, 2012 at 1:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   C.C. Waterback

    Texas being what it is, I once had to take a deposition during which opposing counsel was chewing *menthol* Copenhagen (or Skoal, I dunno, wtf anyway?). I was 7 months pregnant at the time, and I finally just had to say, “Look, let’s go off the record; I need a break.”

    Despite that, the court reporter stayed on the record for one more sentence, so the transcript of that depo will forever reflect: “JESUS, Jim, how can you even put that in your mouth? It smells like mint-flavored cow shit.”

    Apr 27, 2012 at 6:31 pm   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   kermit

      I’m not a lawyer (or a law student) but I bet that sentence is the most exciting /fun part of that court case.

      Apr 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   C.C. Waterback

      Oh, absolutely. I was looking forward to seeing if I could find a reason to get it read into the record in court (bonus points if I could compel opposing counsel to read it!), but alas, we settled. :)

      Apr 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Belaani

      HAHAHAHA!!!!! You should be proud! That’s probably one of the best transcripts EVER!

      Apr 30, 2012 at 2:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Poltergeist

    Simply using tobacco is obviously not disgusting enough for many addicts. Nope, they gotta stick it to the man by plastering their dip shit under desks and making butt bonfires on school playgrounds.

    Fun story – I once witnessed a man bicycling on a busy road with a baby strapped into the seat behind him, riding into the wind with a cigarette in one hand and the handlebars in the other. It was like watching the collective arrogance and idiocy of millions of people coming together in one moment of complete and utter lunacy.

    In case you couldn’t tell, I am firmly team notewriter(s).

    Apr 28, 2012 at 10:16 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Derrick Jeener

      I can’t imagine now lame a person has to be to not find that image awesome.

      Apr 29, 2012 at 8:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Poltergeist

      I can’t imagine how brain damaged a person has to be to not find that image disturbing.

      Apr 29, 2012 at 4:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Derrick Jeener

      An otherwise benign tumor on my “bitter and neurotic” region :(.

      Apr 30, 2012 at 5:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Wench

    It must have been….. (wait for it!)….. CHEWBACCA!!!!!

    *runs off giggling*

    Apr 29, 2012 at 2:28 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   juju_skittles

    I’m Australian. My first thoughts were “Gum on the door handle? Ew!” and “French onion dip on the cars? What a waste! Weird.” I had no clue that people chew tobacco, except in cartoons or old movies. Wow. And gross. Really, really gross…

    Apr 29, 2012 at 9:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   AlfaCowboy

    Tobacco users: Making the world more disgusting one inconsiderate bit at a time.

    Apr 30, 2012 at 11:43 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Nunavut Guy

    So you put it in your mouth for a while.chew it around and then spit it out…….sounds kinda like….never mind.

    May 1, 2012 at 12:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   P

    To whoever keeps on driving off in that fancy spittoon, I hope you catch me too!

    May 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up