She likes her humor like she likes her cactus: dry.
![Dear Cactus Killer, Thank you for being so helpful as to water my cactus. No doubt you felt it was in desperate need of TLC, as I seldom seem to pay it any mind whatsoever. However, in being such a super helpy-helperton, you seem to have murdered it, and now I am sad. In the future, please kindly refrain from caring for any sort of plant or plant-like object on my desk. Sadly, a former owner of an awesome catcus [sic]](http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7182/7120277323_b1c006cc40_b.jpg "Dear Cactus Killer, Thank you for being so helpful as to water my cactus. No doubt you felt it was in desperate need of TLC, as I seldom seem to pay it any mind whatsoever. However, in being such a super helpy-helperton, you seem to have murdered it, and now I am sad. In the future, please kindly refrain from caring for any sort of plant or plant-like object on my desk. Sadly, a former owner of an awesome catcus [sic]")
related: “Just feed me to the cat.”
Cactus killer, qu’est-ce que c’est?
April 29th, 2012 · 76 comments
FILED UNDER: flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · most popular notes of 2012 · office · thanks (but not really)
76 responses so far ↓
#1
Erin
I think the crazy uniform handwriting is the eeriest part of Cactus Lover’s note.
Apr 29, 2012 at 9:26 pm rating: 49
#2
infanttyrone
Ah well…we move from the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” of Edward Abbey’s benign indifference to the “waterboard it until it spills the beans” of Jack Bauer’s relentless interference…we move, alone, unaccompanied by former plant and animal friends…yet haunted by their ghosts.
Apr 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm rating: 20
#3
Nessa
The best part is the R.I.P. written on the stick!
Apr 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm rating: 65
#4
cactus pedant
Nitpick: that’s not a cactus. It’s a succulent. Looks like a haworthia to be exact.
Apr 29, 2012 at 9:31 pm rating: 71
#5
ASAOIUHDUEIUHDIOWPOI
Don’t use comic sans!
Apr 29, 2012 at 9:59 pm rating: 26
#6
MOI
The really funny thing is how she managed to misspell cactus in the last line.
Apr 29, 2012 at 10:09 pm rating: 19
#7
Average Annie
I miss you, buddy. Even though I falsely identified you as a cactus your entire short life, you meant a lot to me.
Apr 29, 2012 at 10:13 pm rating: 61
#8
caffeine
Did the plant have a DNR order or something? I think they gave up on it too early because it looks like it could be nursed back to health to me.
Apr 29, 2012 at 10:17 pm rating: 53
#9
Poltergeist
Why must the good die young? At least he (it’s clearly a male) is in a better place. Goodbye sweet succulent. May you find peace and the appropriate amount of water on the other side. Please tell Enrique the prickly pear I said hello.
Apr 29, 2012 at 10:24 pm rating: 34
#10
kermit
I’m not a botanist, but whatever remains of that plant looks alive to me. It’s green and there are no visibly wilted edges.
Maybe if she were to put a tablet of Aspirin in the soil or some plant revival tablets you can get at a florist, the thing will perk up.
Apr 29, 2012 at 10:49 pm rating: 7
#11
Botanist
The heart rotted out; the leaves haven’t had time to wither, but, yes, it’s dead, and the owner correctly identified overwatering as the cause, despite not knowing the type of plant.
Apr 29, 2012 at 11:05 pm rating: 40
#12
DIanna
Can’t you pluck the leaves and restart a new plant(s)? I do at home all of the time with succulents.
Apr 29, 2012 at 11:33 pm rating: 6
#13
Paige
“Helpy helperton”?, “You seem to have murdered it”?
I love this note.
Also, exactly how much effort was put into that neat-as-hell handwriting?
Apr 30, 2012 at 4:01 am rating: 26
#14
Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff
This is the best kind of PAN; a reasonable request made in an unreasonable way.
Apr 30, 2012 at 4:32 am rating: 20
#15
Kati
“Super helpy-helperton” is my new favorite phrase.
Apr 30, 2012 at 7:20 am rating: 36
#16
Lisa S.
So, Annie, you wrote a PA note and then submitted it yourself? Hmmm.
Apr 30, 2012 at 7:55 am rating: 5
#17
Bluecanary
I don’t blame the note writer, I’d be pissed too. I can just picture some busy body old office hag sneaking over there with a cup of water. “Oh, that poor plant, she NEVER waters it”. More bent on handling someone else’s business than in finding out the truth (that the plant does not need much water.) Team Note Writer.
Apr 30, 2012 at 8:36 am rating: 38
#18
AlfaCowboy
I have to admit, I’m pretty charmed by this one. It’s PA, but not angry or nasty. If I were the culprit, the note would make me want to own up and buy a new cactus. It kind of makes me want to buy you a new cactus now.
Apr 30, 2012 at 8:41 am rating: 29
#19
yolanda
having been a janitor on night shift torn with the pain of watching plants linger in painful twilight, never enough water or light to thrive, I would suspect this was a night caretaker who doesn’t know enough about plants to know overwatering is more deadly than underwatering. When you underwater, you can add water when it wilts and it recovers. Drown it, however, and it will wilt only when the rot has killed it.
Apr 30, 2012 at 10:48 am rating: 10
#20
Em
My dad killed my cactus that way. Kind of impressed that I didn’t wind up killing it first. Still, it sucked.
Apr 30, 2012 at 4:21 pm rating: 4
#21
Average Annie
1. That’s my handwriting for real. Up until this point, I had only ever received compliments on it. It does scary look like comic sans whicth I intend to correct immediately.
2. I do have dyslexia. It plagues me constantly. I didnt even notice until it was pointed out on here that I had misspelled cactus at the end.
3. I only had the plant for two months. Friday it was fine, Monday the leaves were mush at the base.
4. Yes, I submitted my own PA note. After I wrote it, a co-worker told me about this site so I submitted it. I wasn’t aware that it was frowned up.
Any other concerns I can address?
Apr 30, 2012 at 7:01 pm rating: 54
#22
Kevin
It’s not really murder. It’s more like involuntary manslaughter. Or plantslaughter. Whatever.
Apr 30, 2012 at 7:38 pm rating: 20
#23
April Q
I had a roommate do that to me once… well not me, but my plant. And what made it worse? The plant was a gift for my mom… or was supposed to be until this witch of a roommate drowned the plant. And just to be clear, this roommate was not a friend of mine and we barely interacted, so they undoubtedly had no right to be watering my plants. In fact, it makes you wonder if it was some sort of passive aggressive act. (Ha, and I say this on PAN? lol) Before someone points this out, the reason the plant was in the kitchen instead of my room was because it would get more sun there since I keep my room dim due to me being sensitive to light, so I had placed it there thinking it would fare better there…. guess I should have chanced it in the low light….
May 1, 2012 at 2:05 am rating: 4
#24
The White Clouds of Opium
Now you have to name the hallway after it. Succulent Boulevard.
We kill the plant, then we name a thoroughfare after it. That’s the American way.
May 1, 2012 at 2:30 am rating: 15
#25
Hetaliafan
On your side all the way here Annie!
Unless a plant is showing signs of actually dying/wilting through lack of water, the kindest thing to do would be to leave it alone unless they were an expert in that particular plant and even then really… it wasn’t theirs to touch.
May 1, 2012 at 7:30 am rating: 7
#26
Amy in Toronto
“Super helpy helperton” is my favourite thing, followed very closely by the PAN site’s decision to use a Talking Heads song title as the note title. Nice work, PAN.com; I now have Psycho Killer playing a never-ending loop in my head and I love you for it!
Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa – better run-run-run-run-run-run-run awaaaaaaaay!
May 1, 2012 at 8:14 am rating: 4
#27
unsatisfied
this sounds like it could turn in to the “law and order” tribute episode from “community” last week.
May 1, 2012 at 10:34 am rating: 1
#28
bob loblaw
I’ll let you in on a secret. I killed that mean old plant. But the liquid I used wasn’t water …….
May 1, 2012 at 11:28 am rating: 5
#29
ellie.vee
Someone at my office killed one of my succulents by overwatering it. Very tragic. It happens. I left a note saying to not water anything else (our hours did not coincide), but it was pretty straightforward.
May 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm rating: 0
#30
Tundra
I bought a whole lot of succulents and cacti. Dad insisted on watering them (‘they need SOME water though!!’) even though the guy at the plant show told me not to. They’re now all dead.
Thanks Dad, $30 down the drain.
May 1, 2012 at 10:28 pm rating: 2
#31
Bluecanary
I had a gorgeous succulent collection once that was completely destroyed by a super helpy roommate while I was out of town for a week. She thought they looked sickly and wanted to fertilize them, but instead of going to the store and purchasing fertilizer, she crunched up some of her One A Day vitamins, mixed in a little water, and used that instead. I wish I’d been thinking clearly enough to leave her a funny sarcastic note.
May 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm rating: 5
#32
Jokes
I think she liked her cactus. I’d be sad too.
May 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm rating: 0
#33
Nikki
Accident? Or true passive aggressive mastermind?
May 4, 2012 at 6:01 pm rating: 0
#34
raichu
aww. Obviously the cactus-killer made a mistake but it was probably a well-intentioned one…
May 14, 2012 at 9:31 pm rating: 0
#35
The other Sarah
Today, I learned the word succulent.
May 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm rating: 1
#36
black thumb
you can’t kill a cactus. or an aloe plant. they never die, i didn’t water mine for years.
May 26, 2012 at 10:40 pm rating: 0
#37
dont leave him
ever
May 27, 2012 at 12:39 am rating: 0
#38
noneedtolie
I think it’s fake, PHOTOSHOP!!!
May 28, 2012 at 4:26 am rating: 0
#39
Lynz
I gotta say, I’m with the plant owner on this one. If it’s not yours, don’t touch!
Oct 15, 2012 at 4:17 pm rating: 0
Leave a Comment