Your car has been “baptized”

August 1st, 2012 · 46 comments

Andy in Alexandria, Virginia passes this sign every day on his way to work, and says he’s always found the quotations around the word “baptized” to be a bit ominous. (“I have no idea what they are getting at,” he says.)

CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE CHURCH PARKING ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE 'BAPTIZED'

Of course, if this sign seems familiar to you, that’s because this ol’ knee-slapper just might be the “unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy” of church parking signs. To wit:

Violators will be Baptized

Only Violators will be Baptized

Violators will be baptized

And back in Vienna, Virginia, it’s the cars that get baptized.

Church Parking UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLES WILL BE BAPTIZED

Related: What Would Jesus Text?

FILED UNDER: Jesus · most popular notes of 2012 · parking


46 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Sarah TX

    Violators will be baptized (and your car will be towed)! Now that’s Christian charity!

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:32 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Jennifer Souza

    I don’t get the baptizing thing. Are they gonna pee on the cars? Sprinkle water? Crack a bottle of champagne over it?

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:33 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Kate

      Maybe it means they’re going to wash it? That would be very Christian of them.

      Aug 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm   rating: 73  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Ekevoo

      Yep. Pee. I’ve heard this meaning of baptziation quite a lot actually.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   nikki

    I love how it’s the assembly of God and Baptist Church that Baptistises just anyone LOL

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   A heathen

    What I don’t understand is, why only the violators are being baptized at the Clifton Baptist Church and the unnamed church in the third photo.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:36 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   E

    There’s a church in downtown DC that has a sign that says “Park not, lest ye be towed.” Much funnier, and actually makes sense too.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:43 pm   rating: 101  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Emily

      There was a Catholic Church about 100 yards from my apartment when I was in college. They had signs that said, “Thou shalt not park here.” I thought they were cute.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 5:06 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   shwo! bang

    Your car hasn’t been towed. It’s been raptured.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 9:45 pm   rating: 150  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   wesley

      HILARIOUS POST!!!!!!!!

      Aug 2, 2012 at 12:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Rattus

      Congrats! You are the third person to literally make me LOL on this site.

      YOU GET THE BRONZE!!!

      Aug 2, 2012 at 9:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   JK

    I love First Assembly of God churches for the unintentional comedy. In college I sung in a one-off choir that performed Handel’s Messiah in their facility. They always abbreviate to First Ass. of God in programs. Made my night.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   roimata

      My fave is a Church of Christ, which had two kitchens, one upstairs and one downstairs. So the cutlery didn’t get mixed up between the two, some nice old man engraved on all of them either “C.O.C.K. up” or “C.O.C.K. down”…

      Aug 1, 2012 at 10:40 pm   rating: 59  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   kermit

      I probably shouldn’t ask this, but why would they care if cutlery is mixed up between the two?

      Aug 1, 2012 at 11:51 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   The Elf

      I’m more disturbed by the possibility of a Second Ass. of God.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 11:32 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Rattus

      I think that Pat Robertson is the Second Ass. of God.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Who passed out the Haterade?

      He puts the fundament in fundamentalist.

      Aug 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Ian

    Well, if they’re baptists, they’d have to do full immersion to baptize your car, so they’ll probably dump it in a lake. Others only need to sprinkle it… or hit it with a hose.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 10:12 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      If it’s a synagogue, they take the bumper off.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 11:30 am   rating: 57  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   infanttyrone

      Unless the mohel’s hand slips,
      in which case the whole front end is in jeopardy.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Molly Musaka

    Soooo….if I let you put water on my head and say some magic words, I get free parking? Deal.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 10:25 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Saph

    The third sign is really bothering me. Not only is it a total design failure, but it also looks like there’s one of those word puzzles in there.
    Will be cross over tiz in baped?
    Baped around will be cross on zit backwards? Help me out here.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 10:42 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   briana

    Our old pastor had a taped sign above the light switch ” god knows you left the light on.” I thought that was pretty witty. This is just dumb and if you want to get technical…. a lie.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 10:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   ghetto

    The second one is the best.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 11:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Jimmah

    My uncle has a live trap for pesky squirrels in his battle to raise a garden. I asked him what he does with them once he catches them. “I just fill a bucket with water and the I baptize them”.

    Aug 1, 2012 at 11:45 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Rattus

      So, what I’m getting from this is that your uncle live traps the squirrels and then drowns them. Is that the case? If so, he’s a psychopath. If not, my apologies for denigrating your kin folk.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 9:10 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Tatterdemalion

      …Actually, although I find killing squirrels distasteful, if someone’s going to do it I think there is some merit in live trapping and killing them quickly. Standard lethal-type traps are not always instantly lethal, and could lead to more pain for the animals.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 9:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Ruth

      I don’t know where or how you’ve obtained the notion that being imprisoned and then drowned is in any way a quick death??? Drowning is up there with burning to death as one of the worst ways to die…

      Aug 6, 2012 at 8:30 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Beatus Mongous

      Drowning is actually a very peaceful way to die. It’s scary at first, but once your lungs fill with water, there is no more pain, and you die rather calmly. Don’t ask how I came by this information…

      Aug 6, 2012 at 6:42 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Nony

    Baptize the cars in acetone and other powerful solvents.

    Aug 2, 2012 at 3:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Jennifer

    So to get baptised in the third and fifth churches, you first have to park badly? It reads differently by putting the “only” on the wrong line.

    Aug 2, 2012 at 4:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Jon

    I’m surprised nobody got it. A baptism is a ritual of purification, so the car will be purified of it’s sinful owner.

    Aug 2, 2012 at 5:37 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   RP

      Maybe there’s not a lot of Baptists here. I’m not Christian but I knew that Baptists do full immersion so I thought they meant the car would be dumped in a lake.

      Aug 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Polly

    I still don’t understand the concept of baptism as it relates to cars. What’s wrong with me?

    Aug 2, 2012 at 8:20 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   The Elf

      It’s the only way to take it with you.

      Aug 2, 2012 at 11:25 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Dawn

      Honey, it’s a JOKE. As in, a mildly humourous way of indicating that the parking lot is for the convenience of people attending that church. Sheesh.

      Aug 4, 2012 at 9:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   Ruth

      Thanks, Dawn, no-one knew what a joke was until you kindly explained.

      Aug 6, 2012 at 8:32 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   The Elf

    That ain’t holy water they’re sprinkling…….

    Aug 2, 2012 at 11:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Smokey

    Owners will be sent to hell……..would have been more effective!

    Aug 2, 2012 at 3:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Melissa Jones

    I think that last one is the most “Christian” of all of them – you park here illegally? We wash your car! Talk about ‘turning the other cheek!’

    Aug 2, 2012 at 4:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Navy Jones

    There was a designated pastor’s parking space at my parents’ old church marked “Whosoever parketh here, preacheth the following Sunday.”

    Aug 4, 2012 at 10:38 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Beatus Mongous

      I have to park there!

      Aug 6, 2012 at 6:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Jane

    If the violators are baptized, wouldn’t that automatically make them members of the church, thus giving them the right to park there?

    Aug 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Arnie Baptizor

    Honestly thought it meant people will be forced to get baptized. Or waterboarded…

    “One of us, one of us.”

    Aug 13, 2012 at 12:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Clara

    Okay, I’m a baptist myself. To “baptize” is taught as a drowning (that’s why we do full immersion) of oneself. They’re saying they’ll drown you. The one about baptizing the car is funnier.

    Aug 23, 2012 at 4:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   SomeGuy

    Isn’t that a violation of the first admenment? The unconcenting baptising of someone properly. But then the morons can do it to dead people somehow.

    Hmm can’t wait until someone asks Romney if he agrees with the baptising of dead people from other religions. He would have to loose the christian or morman vote…. intresting.

    Aug 24, 2012 at 3:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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