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Which response is classier?

August 27th, 2012 · 48 comments

These two different approaches to the same problem were submitted within minutes of each other.

Exhibit a) From Hipsterville, Brooklyn, Like a Sir, as spotted by Kaitlin:

To whomever is stealing our NY Times each morning, this is your first, last and only warning: stop it! We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.

Exhibit b) From Niceville, Minnesota, Killing you with Kindness, as spotted by Bitsy:

Good Morning! I don't mind if you take my newspaper to read — I know you are trying to stay current with the local news — 

related: All the news that’s fit to steal

FILED UNDER: Brooklyn · Minnesota · neighbors · newspaper · stealing

48 responses so far ↓

  • #1   scott hall

    fuck memes

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Cake

      Also, memes are hilarious.

      Memes FTW.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   ol man jenkins

      fuck unfunny memes

      Aug 27, 2012 at 8:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Pit Pat

      unfunny memes are unfunny

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   The Elf

      Use ALL the memes!

      Aug 28, 2012 at 1:25 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Pit Pat

      Team meme!

      Aug 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   JK

      Remember, everybody, there’s no “I” in meme.

      PS. We’ll all just pretend there’s not a couple ‘me’s, shall we? ;)

      Aug 29, 2012 at 6:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #2   Cake

    Why are people reading physical-paper papers anymore anyway? They’re dirty and what a waste (of paper, ink, gas/man power to transport etc)

    Welcome to the internet, let me show you around.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   redheadwglasses

      When I get groceries, often there’s a rep from one of the two major local papers, giving away raffle tickets for free groceries, trying to get people to sign up for the paper. I filled out the raffle ticket but declined the spiel. I told him I read for free online, why would I pay? (I’d be willing to pay to read it online if I had to.)

      Aug 27, 2012 at 4:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Adriana

      My mother wants a physical paper. She hates computers and other electronic devices, like tablets, e-readers, and even internet-capable cell phones. There’s no point in talking her out of it.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 4:37 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Sir Puke

      If you read a newspaper, you would notice the difference in quality (local and international stories) and read articles that would never show up in your feed.
      The Kartrashians are kept to a paragraph on an obscure page as well.
      On-line is good for fast breaking stories, but you have to watch your sources.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 4:54 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Daily subscriber

      No logins. No flashing ads. No popups. Easy scanning. Easy skipping back and forth between whatever stories interest me. Tactile satisfaction. Familiar, effective organization. Providing financial support for deeper coverage. No inadvertent focus on only the stories that support what I already think/believe. To pages of comics with no lag time. Crossword puzzles that I can take anywhere and never lose my progress if I don’t finish in one sitting. Syndicated columns that may not be easy to track down otherwise (and might not be free if I do).

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:40 pm   rating: 81  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   The Elf

      No comics. No crossword. No soduku.

      I love the Kindle version of my local newspaper. It’s always ready whenever I’m leaving, unlike the perpetually-late paper delivery. But no comics is a definite downside. I miss my funnies!

      Aug 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   Jami

      Hard to cut out the Sunday coupons from the internet.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 11:49 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   Hmmm

      What about all the other things that newspapers are used for?
      Lining the cat litter tray and the bird cage. Wrapping things in when moving. Covering tables for children to paint on. Wrapping chips in (my local chippy still does this).

      Aug 28, 2012 at 7:23 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #2.8   Pit Pat

      Cleaning windows and mirrors

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.9   FeRD bang

      That’s what free newspapers are for! Every community has to have at least one or two ad-supported rags that the publishers just leave lying around, no?

      I mean, I know that every time I have to pack anything for shipping or moving, the first thing I do is pop down to the street, find a Village Voice box, and raid the thing for like a foot-high stack of free “packing materials”. :-)

      Aug 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #2.10   quat

      “Cake”, bitch, I love doing the New York Times crossword with a real pen. I love sitting there balancing my coffee on my lap and a croissant on my knee and the paper in one/both/ all my hands. I like the feel, the smell, the paper-ness of it all. So get your attitude out of my pleasurable newspaper experience and go stroke your Kindle, or whatever makes you happy.

      Sep 6, 2012 at 11:01 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #3   redheadwglasses

    Oh, and I like note writer #1, but note writer #2 is sickeningly sweet with unnecessary quotation marks around “but.” (Mine were necessary!)

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Der Jaeger

      I have heard your “intelligent” argument that quotation marks can be used for emphasis and “respectfully” disagree.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Grammar Moses

      But that was not redhead’s argument. They “were” necessary in this case because they demonstrated which word was being quoted from the earlier post. Mine were just because I never know whether to use BB code or HTML on these boards so they were easier than italics. You can hate me for that if you want.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:47 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   H for Toy

      I’m almost positive it’s HTML here.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Der Jaeger

      Yes, I wasn’t speaking directly to redhead; I was speaking generically to people who insist that you can use quotes for emphasis. There is a sign at work posted on several doors stating that they “must remain ‘closed’ at all times.” I’m still not sure what they really mean by closed…

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:58 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Dr_Know

      I got what you were saying, Der.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 9:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.6   redheadwglasses

      I’ve been on the internet since 1994 when there was’t much internet to be on, and STILL haven’t learned/memorized HTML tags.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.7   Pit Pat

      you mean – before it was cool?

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.8   FeRD bang

      The Internet was never cool. And certainly isn’t, today.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 10:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #3.9   redheadwglasses

      I remember my first search engine search around 1996 or so. “Chastity belts.” I was curious. Did they still exist? Do people use them? Answer was a virtual tour (unlike anything I’d seen then) of a business in Canada that custom makes them. Including for men. (I was SO naive. Since then, I’ve seen things I wish I could unsee. Goat doing a man, for example.)

      Aug 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.10   The Elf

      Will that be what our generation talks about when we’re all in nursing homes?

      “I remember when we first got the internet! I opened up a search engine – it was AOL back then – and I searched for the Battle of Agincourt. See, I had this report due for my history class and I didn’t have time to go to the library. You remember libraries? So I figured I would try this newfangled internet thing. It didn’t come up, since the internet was just about porn. So I tied an onion to my belt, and…..”

      Aug 29, 2012 at 2:13 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   dot

    Eh, I read the paper either online or on the bus in. Why pay to have a physical paper delivered given that it will likely be stolen or just be tossed in a corner taking up space?

    Though they do make excellent moving/packing paper…

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:30 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   Goldie

    Does notewriter #2 really want their paper back after it’s been in some dude’s bathroom?

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #6   Glinda

    I prefer to read a hard copy of the paper. I find it very difficult to read the newspaper online. It’s a complicated visual issue. My newspaper never, ever needs batteries nor does it require an electrical outlet, and frankly, it’s a lot easier to read outside on a sunny day (which is where you will most likely find me reading the paper version of the newspaper).

    I really like letter #1. I once had a problem with someone stealing my paper every morning, despite my increasingly angry notes left on the porch. One day I got up early, went outside and exchanged that day’s paper for an older one. Before I put the old paper in the plastic wrapper, I wrapped up a cat turd and some freshly wet kitty litter and put it in the middle of the fold so it would fall on the person who had been stealing my paper almost every day for two months. It never happened again after that.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm   rating: 68  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   doctorbass

      haha classic!

      If that happened to me, repeatedly, I suspect I’d be waiting on the roof with a hose! Or a super soaker full of watered down fish sauce.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   d1337

      That was me…thanks for the cat turd and litter. May I send you my dry cleaning bill?

      Just kidding, of course. Good on you. I think a paper thief should be put in the stocks and flogged.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 10:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   redheadwglasses

      Glinda, I think I love you. Let’s go to Iowa and get married!

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   speak it

      And that is why they call you the good witch!

      Aug 30, 2012 at 6:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   Vulpis

    Hmm. The first writer’s Legion is obviously no Spanish Inquisition. Noone ever expects them.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #8   AH

    I caught my newspaper thief redhanded one morning, unexpectedly. He was holding my Sunday New York Times and my LA Times lay on the ground. I said, “Excuse me, that’s my paper.” He said, “Which one?” I said, “Both of them.” Then I took the paper out of his hands, picked up other paper, and walked back into my apartment. Hasn’t happened since. Wish I could resolve all matters of neighborly discord so easily.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #9   Jonah

    I’m pretty sure I said this before, but this blog could really use a tag for inappropriate use of “whomever”.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 7:59 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   tiggyt

      Yessss! That’s the factor that instantly made note #1 the worse of the two. That mistake always makes my skin crawl: it’s as though the offenders are trying to add gravitas to their statement (adding the M is so much fancier!) or make themselves sound more illustrious or intelligent and it just comes across as pomp.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 7:36 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   redheadwglasses

      My pet peeve is when someone uses “which” instead of “that,” thinking that “which” sounds better, so it must be correct.

      Aug 29, 2012 at 12:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   The Elf

    That second note is classic PAN. It’s so sickeningly sweet, but not really. The “I will cut you” is unsaid, but definitely there.

    Aug 27, 2012 at 9:41 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Tanaquil

      Note #2 is one of the best examples I’ve ever seen of Minnesota Nice. Most people think that term means we’re extra-super nice and friendly. In actuality it just means we’re really, *really* polite about hating you.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 5:07 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   The Elf

      Yeah, it’s the Midwest equivalent of “Bless your heart”.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 7:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   redheadwglasses

      Heh. I’m in MInnesota. You go, Tanaquil! : ) (Do you post at the Washington Post, perchance?)

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Tanaquil

      Hell, it’s a whole dialect of “Bless your heart”!

      redhead, I may have left an errant comment or two there over time, but I don’t post on a regular basis.

      Aug 30, 2012 at 7:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Dane Zeller

    When I went from home delivery to electronic, I missed the feeling of justifiable outrage I had when someone stole my newspaper. I leave my kindle out in the hallway now. Works perfectly.

    Aug 28, 2012 at 8:21 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

  • #12   Dan

    Just get one of those paint bombs banks put in the money sacks when they get robbed. The neighbor walking around with a bright blue face is the thief. Take his picture. Post in the lobby as the newspaper thief revealed.

    Aug 28, 2012 at 8:48 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up


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