These two different approaches to the same problem were submitted within minutes of each other.
Exhibit a) From Hipsterville, Brooklyn, Like a Sir, as spotted by Kaitlin:
Exhibit b) From Niceville, Minnesota, Killing you with Kindness, as spotted by Bitsy:
related: All the news that’s fit to steal
48 responses so far ↓
#1
scott hall
fuck memes
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm rating: 10
#2
Cake
Why are people reading physical-paper papers anymore anyway? They’re dirty and what a waste (of paper, ink, gas/man power to transport etc)
Welcome to the internet, let me show you around.
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm rating: 24
#3
redheadwglasses
Oh, and I like note writer #1, but note writer #2 is sickeningly sweet with unnecessary quotation marks around “but.” (Mine were necessary!)
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm rating: 19
#4
dot
Eh, I read the paper either online or on the bus in. Why pay to have a physical paper delivered given that it will likely be stolen or just be tossed in a corner taking up space?
Though they do make excellent moving/packing paper…
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:30 pm rating: 2
#5
Goldie
Does notewriter #2 really want their paper back after it’s been in some dude’s bathroom?
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:46 pm rating: 6
#6
Glinda
I prefer to read a hard copy of the paper. I find it very difficult to read the newspaper online. It’s a complicated visual issue. My newspaper never, ever needs batteries nor does it require an electrical outlet, and frankly, it’s a lot easier to read outside on a sunny day (which is where you will most likely find me reading the paper version of the newspaper).
I really like letter #1. I once had a problem with someone stealing my paper every morning, despite my increasingly angry notes left on the porch. One day I got up early, went outside and exchanged that day’s paper for an older one. Before I put the old paper in the plastic wrapper, I wrapped up a cat turd and some freshly wet kitty litter and put it in the middle of the fold so it would fall on the person who had been stealing my paper almost every day for two months. It never happened again after that.
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm rating: 67
#7
Vulpis
Hmm. The first writer’s Legion is obviously no Spanish Inquisition. Noone ever expects them.
Aug 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm rating: 11
#8
AH
I caught my newspaper thief redhanded one morning, unexpectedly. He was holding my Sunday New York Times and my LA Times lay on the ground. I said, “Excuse me, that’s my paper.” He said, “Which one?” I said, “Both of them.” Then I took the paper out of his hands, picked up other paper, and walked back into my apartment. Hasn’t happened since. Wish I could resolve all matters of neighborly discord so easily.
Aug 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm rating: 21
#9
Jonah
I’m pretty sure I said this before, but this blog could really use a tag for inappropriate use of “whomever”.
Aug 27, 2012 at 7:59 pm rating: 11
#10
The Elf
That second note is classic PAN. It’s so sickeningly sweet, but not really. The “I will cut you” is unsaid, but definitely there.
Aug 27, 2012 at 9:41 pm rating: 9
#11
Dane Zeller
When I went from home delivery to electronic, I missed the feeling of justifiable outrage I had when someone stole my newspaper. I leave my kindle out in the hallway now. Works perfectly.
Aug 28, 2012 at 8:21 am rating: 26
#12
Dan
Just get one of those paint bombs banks put in the money sacks when they get robbed. The neighbor walking around with a bright blue face is the thief. Take his picture. Post in the lobby as the newspaper thief revealed.
Aug 28, 2012 at 8:48 pm rating: 9
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