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Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your veggies

September 9th, 2012 · 35 comments

This is not a passive-aggressive note, this is not a joke — this is a public service announcement, brought to us by Sarah in Seattle.

(No, it’s not as crazy as this, but darn, those tomatoes are cute.)

Attention Beacon Hill! There is a TOMATO THIEF on the prowl. TWO GIANT CHERRY TOMATO PLANTS WERE KIDNAPPED in the night. Be on the lookout. Lock up your veggies! This is not a joke! A public service announcement.

related: To the tomato thief: YOU WIN

extra credit: Tomato thief, busted

FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Seattle

35 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Julie

    If the giant tomato plants had arms and legs like the bottom drawing, it’s entirely possible that they just walked away. Mystery solved.

    Sep 9, 2012 at 9:09 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Jami

      Watch out for when they return because then they just might attack!

      All together now!

      ♪ Attack of the killer tomatoes!
      Attack of the killer tomatoes!
      They’ll beat you, bash you,
      Squish you, mash you
      Chew you up for brunch
      And finish you off for dinner or lunch!

      They’re marching down the halls
      They’re crawling up the walls
      They’re gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy
      Rotten to the core
      They’re standing outside your door!

      Remember Herman Farbage
      While taking out his garbage
      He turned around and he did see
      Tomatoes hiding in his tree
      Now he’s just a memory!

      I know I’m going to miss her
      A tomato ate my sister
      Sacramento fell today
      They’re marching into San Jose
      Tomatoes are on their way!

      The mayor is on vacation
      The governor’s fled the nation
      The police have gone on strike today
      The National Guard has run away
      Tomatoes will have their day!

      Attack of the killer tomatoes!
      Attack of the killer tomatoes!
      They’ll beat you, bash you,
      Squish you, mash you
      Chew you up for brunch
      And finish you off for dinner or lunch
      Lunch, lunch
      Dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch
      Dinner or luuuuuunch! ♪

      Sep 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Lil'

      Well, they should at least call and let her know they’re OK. It’s irresponsible and cruel to let her worry like this.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 1:34 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   kermit

      See, this is what happens when you let your tomatoes outside. Like cats and cars, to ensure a long life, tomatoes should only be kept inside for their safety and well-being.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 10:22 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #2   Scix

    “Giant cherry tomato plant” — What you got there, mister, is a regular tomato plant.

    Sep 9, 2012 at 9:42 pm   rating: 83  small thumbs up

  • #3   Rita

    These 2 comments (#1 and #2) have to be some of the best comments I’ve ever seen on this site.

    Thank you for making my day a little brighter with laughter :D

    Sep 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #4   krystal

    I would have never believed it, but last summer I caught my elderly neighbour throwing away my plants, pots and all. Some people just believe that because it’s a plant it belongs to everybody. Granted, I was new to the neighbourhood and she is apparently notorious for being caught weeding/ planting/ eating the vegetables from other people’s yards, so I felt like I was too harsh on her (kind of freaked out a little bit). She’s just a crazy old lady. I gave her free roam of my yard this summer (she would have done it anyway, lol). This note feels like it could have come from my area. XD

    Sep 10, 2012 at 1:48 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Jessi

      How old does one have to be before theft and vandalism is appropriate?

      Sep 10, 2012 at 4:34 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   nurgleth

      Woah krystal, grow a backbone.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 5:47 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   kermit


      Sep 10, 2012 at 5:49 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   The Elf

      “Crazy old lady” might mean senile, so Krystal might just be resigning herself to the least bad of really bad options.

      I’d freak out too, but it’s hard to stay mad at someone who can’t help it. Though if it’s really that bad it might be worth calling the relatives (if there are any, if they care) or the local government. She might be a danger to herself.

      But if she isn’t senile, then WTF?

      Sep 10, 2012 at 10:10 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Poltergeist

      There’s two possibilities.
      1. She’s senile, in which case somebody needs to step in because she shouldn’t be roaming the neighborhood like that, getting herself into trouble and potentially getting lost.
      2. She’s just a nasty old bitch, in which case she needs to be put in her damn place.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 10:15 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   lana

      Possibility 3 -she’s a nasty old b. who uses the fake senility ploy to score herself some free salad ingredients.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 1:37 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   H for Toy

      I’d be fine if she wanted to weed or plant in my yard. I’d even be ok if she wanted to eat after helping weed and plant, but throwing away my plants and pots? That’s where I’d have to draw the line.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 4:36 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.8   Jami

      If she’s senile someone needs to be looking after her.

      If she’s not, tell her to go f**k herself with a cactus. It’s your yard and your garden and if she doesn’t like what you have planted, too bad.

      After the first time I’d probably put up some razor wire with a sign that said “Thank the crazy plant hating woman who forced me to put this up to protect MY garden.”

      Sep 10, 2012 at 6:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   Dane Zeller

    Who needs tomato plants? I’ve always been besieged by friends and neighbors wanting to unload their giant crop because they couldn’t consume them all by themselves. I think this person had some extra duct tape he wanted to get rid of.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 8:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Kupo

      We don’t get enough sun in Seattle for a huge tomato crop. Some summers it gets cold before they can even bear fruit, but most summers you’re lucky if you get half a dozen from a plant.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 7:43 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Bookmark

      “Who needs tomato plants?”

      Those of us without friends and neighbors with copious amounts of vegetable goodness :(

      Sep 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Clumber

      Our tomatoes are an abysmal failure this year. Long winter, record-setting rain, then record-setting heat, and just recently, 2nd longest period without ANY measurable rain. We joined a CSA that is having the same problems. Fresh tomatoes are scare all around here this year.

      Suspect our poor horseradish is dead or dying too… so sad… the food that bites you back….

      Sep 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #6   Chalie

    Tomatoes are not a vegetable. Tomatoes are a fruit.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 11:34 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      But “lock up your fruits” can have a whole different meaning…..

      Sep 10, 2012 at 12:15 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Poltergeist

      This is a common misconception. “Fruit” is a botanical term, whereas “vegetable” is more of a culinary term. It is completely possible for something to be both a fruit and a vegetable, the tomato being the perfect example. Its function on the plant is as a fruit, but we use it as a vegetable in food preparation.

      The More You Know *

      Sep 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Anon

      Indeed, if we call a tomato a fruit, then you also have to call many others fruits, such as squash, peppers, cucumbers, etc. Why is it only the tomato that people tend to point out as being a fruit?

      Sep 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   redheadwglasses

      Because some people are poopheads with nothing better to do.

      Like I showed with my own post just now.

      Sep 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Poltergeist

      If you’re on the internet doing anything but research, you’re a poophead. We all need to accept this about ourselves.

      Sep 12, 2012 at 2:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #7   deprogrammed

    (Oh dear, I’m about to provide TMI) Why did I immediately think of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

    Sep 10, 2012 at 12:23 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Jami

      I did too. I’m waiting for my comment to get out of moderation. It includes a link to the movie’s theme song and the lyrics.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 1:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   it's naptime

      a-TACK of the killer to-MAY-toes!
      a-TACK of the killer to-MAY-toes!

      Thought I’d sing a little while we wait.

      Sep 10, 2012 at 9:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   IamFuckingDelish

    You damn well know that a tomato plant with arms and legs like that pictured would be super fucking delish, and i certainly would try to dine on him.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 1:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #9   Ace of Space

    Kidnapping? Since when are tomato plants kids?
    More like plantnapping.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 4:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #10   Ali Longworth

    You might get away with pinching my tomatoes, but if you try to grab my melons I’ll smack you into next week.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 4:49 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   The Elf

      But they’re so big and inviting!

      Sep 11, 2012 at 7:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #11   shepd

    I never thought I would complain about kerning on a handwritten note, but I read “GUNT CHERRY” and was confused!

    Sep 10, 2012 at 9:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #12   trunkmonkey

    Some idiots probably thought they were pot plants.

    Sep 10, 2012 at 10:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #13   seattleite

    These people actually live down the street from us, I saw their sign when they first put it up. What they don’t mention is that they have 7 (well, I guess 5 now) giant tomato plants ON THE SIDEWALK, taking up most of the walkway. They have a huge yard which I presume is also full of growing vegetables and fruits. Anyways, my point is that the tomato plants are pretty easy to steal, being as that they are literally being left outside on the street. LOL.

    Sep 12, 2012 at 11:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up


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