FU Load Letter

September 26th, 2012 · 37 comments

Writes our submitter in Houston: “The secretary on our floor is never at her desk — so much, in fact, that she’s been reported numerous times. We recently got a new office copier and somehow she decided that she has ownership of it. Based on the note below, it looks like someone needed help and was a little frustrated that, once again, she couldn’t be located.” Aaaand troll mode activated!

PLEASE SEE ME IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS IN REGARD TO THIS MACHINE OR HOW TO OPERATE OR CLEAR A JAM. DO NOT START PUSHING BUTTONS OR OPENING THINGS IF YOU ARE UNSURE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SEE ME FOR ASSISTANCE. THANK YOU.   Went to your desk. You weren't there. Pushed LOTS of buttons. :)

Adds our submitter: “The secretary EXPLODED when she saw that someone had the nerve to touch her machine.”

Went to your desk. You weren't there. Pushed LOTS of buttons. :)

related: My Secretary, Sybil

FILED UNDER: Houston · office · oh no you didn't · overzealous secretary · smartass · smiley · touching


37 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Lauren

    I especially love the font.

    Sep 26, 2012 at 6:26 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Limeliberator bang

    Yes! I do too. The response is EXACTLY what I would have left… :)

    Sep 26, 2012 at 6:29 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Poltergeist

    The buttons on the copy machine aren’t the only ones being pushed!

    Sep 26, 2012 at 6:55 pm   rating: 62  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   VenStar

    How exactly does one operate a jam? Punctuation would be this lady’s friend.

    Sep 26, 2012 at 7:02 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Kieron

      Doesn’t sound like this lady *has* friends.

      Sep 26, 2012 at 7:03 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   The Elf

      Somebody must have jammed our copier!

      Only one man would give me the raspberry. Lonestar!

      Sep 27, 2012 at 11:38 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   Lita

      I see your Schwartz is as big as mine, Elf.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   The Elf

      Now let’s see how you handle it.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   Vulpis

      @Kieron Actually, I figure she probably has plenty of friends…in the IT department, since her co-workers keep screwing up her copier by messing with it when they don’t know what they’re doing.

      Sep 28, 2012 at 6:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Elisha

    Hey I’ll take her job. I’m available and will always be there to operate jams and push buttons!

    Sep 26, 2012 at 7:19 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Ely North

    You know she’s an expert at that machine because she got it to print out her note IN COLOR. That’s some high-tech fancy stuff. I’m impressed.

    Sep 26, 2012 at 7:26 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Team Beasly

    Oh God, secretaries and receptionists: finding any possible domain of control in order to become little Office Napoleons.

    Sep 26, 2012 at 8:06 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   deprogrammed

      Office Napoloeons are the best people to have on your side.

      Signed,
      Former Emperor

      Sep 26, 2012 at 10:38 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   The Elf

      Some are like that, for sure. Maybe I’ve just been lucky, but most of the admins/secretaries that I’ve worked with know how to seamlessly keep an office running. When you find admins like that, they are worth their weight in gold. And Deprogrammed is right – get that person on your side!

      Sep 27, 2012 at 7:17 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   H for Toy

      Usually the people who explode because someone touched the copier, are not the same people who are able to seamlessly keep and office running. Office Napoleons are the tacticians that keep everything in order. Office Pol Pots (I’m tired of Nazis) are just tyrants.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 9:29 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Kimberly

      Now see, I have the opposite problem. Anytime anything happens with the copier it is always relayed to me as “YOUR copier…”. It isn’t “MY copier”, I am just the one who is willing/able to fix it.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 9:52 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Wait..what?

      While I CAN fix the copier, I choose not to. I am not the office fixer of things others screw up.

      At the last cube job I held, for some reason they decided to put the new fancy copier next to the department I supervised. In addition to the endless flow of traffic which was a complete distraction to the drones I supervised, no one seemed capable of fixing a jam or adding paper or toner. So they would ask the drone that sat closest to help their useless butt out.

      This woman could barely show up for work. I needed every second of productivity from her but she was ever so helpful to everyone since it didn’t involve her job. However she had no idea how to fix the copier either and it would just turn into a labor eating chat fest. So eventually I would have to intercede.

      It got so bad I finally made them move the copier to a more central location. I actually had to put up a little PAN to direct the users to the IT department.

      I won’t work for any company that has a cube system or more than 10 employees anymore. Life is good.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 10:35 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   The Elf

      I applaud your use of Pol Pot instead of Hitler, H for Toy. I would have also accepted Josef Stalin, Benito Mussolini, Idi Amin, and Nicolae Ceausescu. They all have different flavors of tyranny, so depending on your particular Office Dictator, you’ll need to choose your tyrant analogy accordingly.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 11:44 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   Ali Longworth

      Agree the change is good. It is a bit like lunchtime. Hmm, do I want Italian, Russian, nay…let’s go with Cambodian. Just watch out for those people who always say, “I don’t care, whatever you choose,” and then, unless you choose Hitler, they complain the rest of the day.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 5:12 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.8   shepd

      Unplug copier. Apply wire cutters. Take the end of the cord with the plug home and throw it away.

      Problem solved.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Rattus

    Isn’t there some unwritten rule against being a despot in absentia? If not, there should be.

    Sep 27, 2012 at 7:54 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      It worked for Tiberius.

      Sep 27, 2012 at 11:45 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Sadi

    I can’t get past “in regard”.

    Sep 27, 2012 at 8:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Spooky

    I love that the response looks like it got stuck in the machine, and that’s all they could tear out of its innards. Adds extra steam to Pol Pot’s fury.

    Sep 27, 2012 at 12:29 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   NL7

    FYI to future stealth note-leavers: steganography is widely used in new-model printers and copiers, meaning every little bit of text you print is encoded with nearly invisible information on who, where and when the text was printed. So make sure to use somebody’s else computer or print code when you leave ‘anonymous’ notes. Or use a sharpie.

    Sep 27, 2012 at 1:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   shepd

      Surprisingly true, except for black and white printers (which this wasn’t).

      Of course, chances are only the FBI/NSA/CIA are going to figure out that yellow dot pattern and track the serial number of the copier to you…

      Sep 27, 2012 at 7:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Chris Miller

      A lot of copiers have a hard drive in them that remembers everything that was printed and anyone who knows how can get the information off it if they want. I mean, they do have to take the hard drive out, but there’s been cases of people buying used copiers and going “wahey, confidential information all over the show!”

      Sep 27, 2012 at 11:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Dave

      Most office printers have that information directly available via the display screen. You might only be able to get the document name, but depending on the size of the office, there might not be masses of print jobs of Word documents over the incriminating time period.

      Sep 28, 2012 at 8:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   flamingo-fizz bang

    I tend to feel bad for admins…To do the job well actually requires a brain, BUT it’s a rather demeaning and unrewarding job for the intellectually blessed. So, often companies hire the less-clever, thinking they will be more ‘satisfied’ and stick around longer…and then the whole office is annoyed when they screw things up.

    Sep 28, 2012 at 4:45 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Brian

      I’ve had close to a dozen AA in my life. It requires the ability to learn tasks and master them, not to ‘be clever’.

      I’m the manager, I am the only one who wields my power. They aren’t even really Pol Pot, they are Pol Pot’s AA. (And wouldn’t it be ironic if Pol Pot never ordered anyone killed, but had a pissed off secretary?

      Oct 2, 2012 at 2:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   The Elf

      I’d say you’re more of a Stalin. He never trusted his AAs.

      Oct 9, 2012 at 8:22 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   G. B. Miller

    This reminds of a recent incident at work that I’ve blogged about.

    We have one of those copiers in which that if you don’t align the drawers after loading it up with paper, it won’t copy.

    So I loaded it with paper, ’cause you know, it ran out and no one else who used it extensively was active enough to load it. And then I tried a couple of time to properly align the drawers, but I had no luck.

    So I went to the other copier to do my business and continued on my merry way.

    About ten minutes later, a supervisor came by with my original print job that I forgot to cancel, and after giving it to me, proceeded to berate me in front of two other co-workers about the lousy job I did of loading the copier with paper.

    She wound up her dissertation by saying that the next time I was faced with the option of loading paper into to the copier, I should instead ask for help.

    Sep 28, 2012 at 5:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Vulpis

    Honestly? Team Secretary on this one. If you don’t know what you’re doing with the equipment, don’t play with it, as you’ll likely just make the problem worse. That poor secretary has probably had one too many lectures from IT being called to fix things other people have broken. :-/

    Sep 28, 2012 at 6:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   moko

      Did you miss the part where she was never actually AT her desk to assist people when needed?

      Sep 30, 2012 at 9:08 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   redheadwglasses

    This secretary is clueless. Because I happen to sit near the copier/printer, people assume that *I* am the expert and want me to fix their jams. My rule is, you were the one using it, you clear it. I can print to four different printers, so it won’t affect my work.

    I’d be thrilled if more people were proactive about clearing machine jams. and jellies.

    Oct 3, 2012 at 11:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Squishi

    I’m the AA on my floor, and for some reason everyone seems to think I’m psychic about when the colour copiers need fixing, especially the one on the other side of the building. The staff are also all disabled enough to not be able to change the toner, add paper or fix a jam. I realise I can’t educate the stupid so have given up trying. I use the b&w printer, because I can cope without colour.

    Oct 9, 2012 at 6:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Nellie

    This AA sounds like Angela.
    However … I’ve worked in so many offices where not ONE person had any idea on how to run, or fix, or load the copier … drove me nuts. My boss was notorious for loading copy paper the wrong direction in the wrong drawer — i mean he would literally change the paper tray’s guides, so then whenever I copied on it, the paper would come out the wrong direction. So I’d fix it. You could always tell when he reloaded paper, however, because it would be all screwed up again

    Oct 9, 2012 at 11:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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