Do you pocket like it’s hot?

October 23rd, 2012 · 108 comments

If the consequences of eating a Hot Pocket aren’t enough to deter you from buying them, you should know that storing them in your freezer at work or school is still a risky proposition. (And no, Snoop won’t be there to back you up.)

Exhibit a) Spotted by Anna in Oakland, California:

Dear Hot Pocket Eater: How can you eat three boxes of hot pockets in less than a week?? Especially when the food in question does not belong to you!! I will be going to bed hungry because you ate all my hot pockets. IF YOU DIDN'T BUY THE FOOD, DON'T EAT IT. Some of us have jobs to buy our own food. Thanks for wasting an hour's worth of work, scum.

Exhibit b) Spotted by Diana in Green Bay, Wisconsin:

To the Hot Pocket thief: I hope you are happy that you have now stolen a pregnant

Exhibit c) Spotted by David in Austin, Texas:

Please read the labels on food. Someone ate my lean pocket & I'm hungry now. -Thanks JJ

Exhibit d) Spotted by Charlie in New York:

To whoever ate my Lean Pockets: This picture should help when you go to the store to replace them

Exhibit e) Spotted by Angie in Atlanta, with apologies for the blurriness:

To the Person who stole my lean pockets. Yours must be a truly unfortunate life to steal from someone currently receiving food stamps from the gov't because their current wage is insufficient to cover their living expenses, tuition, and food. I will now go hungry today as I'm at the limit of my budget for this week. It is my sincere wish that you burn in a lake of boiling cheese and ham not dissimilar to those found in my leanpockets. There you would dwell for a thousand years, with your skin constantly regenerating so that you can feel it being burned off your body yet again. Sincerely, Lean Pocket Less TL;DR I hate you.

(Delicious, you say? Michelle? Is that you?) And lastly…

Exhibit f) From Princeton, New Jersey:

To whom it may concern: It's not a hard concept: If you DID NOT put it in the Fridge, DO NOT take it out! Leave my Lean Pockets ALONE. [Response:] I am so sorry, but your Lean Pockets are so savory and irresistible. They call to me in my dreams. IN MY DREAMS, I SAY! I know it is wrong to covet another's frozen, microwaveable, turnover-like lunch entree filled with a delicious combination of meat, cheese and vegetables. But life moves so fast-and Lean Pockets know this. But do you know the dark pleasure of a forbidden Lean Pocket? Oh, it must be experienced. Take care; once you start down this path of frozen, microwaveable delights, it is hard to go back. BTW, the pretzel bread variety is my favorite. I'm just sayin'-in case you want to stock up.

related: Hot Pockets are the car radios of the communal freezer

FILED UNDER: guilt trip · have a nice day · office fridge · preggers · stealing · thanks (but not really) · TL;DR

108 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Roto13

    Once I started renting a room, and the evening I got there one of the people in the apartment started telling me about how much money he earned and how great his life was, and a few hours later he was evicted for not paying his rent, and when I checked, my box of crackers was missing.

    I just wanted to share that story.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   The Elf

      Do you feel better now?

      Oct 24, 2012 at 6:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Wilma Jo

      I’ve never gotten the food theives, whether co-workers or roommates. What do they think, elves come in and eat the food? We know someone here did it. It was Colonel Mustard in the library!

      Nov 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #2   Daniel

    Apparently the pregnant person isn’t actually female.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 3:52 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   So

      No, they are a “girls”.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   Carmen

      I think that once a person is pregnant, she should definitely be referred to as a woman, not a girl, quotation marks or not.

      But yeah, no sympathy for food thievery.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 7:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.3   Caiman

      Men can get pregnant as well, you know. It’s not common, not at all, but not all females are ‘women’ or ‘girls’.

      The more you know!

      Oct 23, 2012 at 9:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.4   Joe

      Maybe the pregnant person knew she was having a female baby?

      Oct 23, 2012 at 10:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.5   Carmen

      @2.3- True. Vagina does not always = woman. However, this particular person referred to herself in feminine terms, and I went with it.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 12:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.6   The Elf

      Two girls one pregnancy?

      Oct 24, 2012 at 6:56 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.7   Seanette

      I don’t think this was written by the Hensel twins. :)

      Oct 24, 2012 at 10:14 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.8   We Shall Speak Anon

      Apparently a common side effect of pregnancy is the inability to use apostrophes.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #2.9   JK

      She’s probably got morning [sic]ness.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 8:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #3   shwo! bang

    Two things on Exhibit e):

    1. I adore the “lake of boiling cheese and ham.”

    2. Given that the notewriter is on food stamps, whoever wrote the bit at the bottom — whether they actually ate the food or not — is one of the biggest assholes in the world.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   redheadwglasses

      I was thinking that someone on food stamps shouldn’t be spending money on convenience foods with a higher cost per meal.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Vulpis

      You’d be surprised. When you take into account not only cost in terms of ingredients, but in terms of preparation time *and* the time needed to learn how to cook that sort of thing (*I* certainly couldn’t make decent cream sauces and such), so called ‘covenience’ meals actually come out somewhat cheaper. Especially if you shop smart in the first place, taking advantage of store-card discounts and such. A good example would be one of my favorites, the 4-cheese pizza Hot Pocket. Even ignoring the time and skill problems of making filled pastry, a bag of decent 4-cheese shredded blend alone costs more than the Hot Pocket does.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 2:37 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Marco the Amazing

      @ redheadwglasses

      How dare anyone one foodstamps eat anything but stale bread and drink water. Poor people are allowed some amount of fun too, you know. Comments like yours are seriously douchy and classist.

      Oct 28, 2012 at 3:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   Tasha

      Yes, someone who earns a wage, pays his own living expenses and tuition, and attends school should clearly not be spending any of the food stamps for which he qualifies on 3/$5 packages of convenience food to have at work or school. He should also be diligent enough to prepare every meal from scratch. He deserved to have his food stolen.

      Oct 31, 2012 at 5:54 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #3.5   Tasha

      Oct 31, 2012 at 5:56 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #4   Mark

    People who steal others’ lunches are complete sociopaths up there with the fuckers that ruin public bathrooms.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   TRT

      Some people simply have no shame. Imagine telling the world that you eat “Lean Pockets”.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 4:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   DaveGI

      They’re probably the same people who let their cats outside!

      Oct 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Thunder McKing

      Has anybody seen those commercials with the boring potato chip decoy bag? That’s what we should do – put our lunch in a boring potato chip decoy bag. Problem solved. Dang, I’m good.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 4:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #5   H for Toy

    Hmmm… Calories: 280, Fat: 7g, Carbs: 42g, Protein: 12g. Must belong to JJ.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 4:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #6   Kenzie

    Sidenote: aren’t there cheaper ways to feed yourself than purchasing premade, single-serving, individually-wrapped freezer food? Typically if someone is on government assistance, I would expect them to be more frugal. Just sayin…

    Oct 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Wait..what?

      Exactly. you shouldn’t be allowed to buy junk with food stamps…The pic was awesome and I LOL’ed at the reply…

      Oct 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   scott

      No, there aren’t. Hot Pockets cost less than $2 per box (or $1 each.) That’s about as frugal as it gets.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Adriana

      @Wait.. what? Kenzie asked about frugality, not whether people on food stamps should get to buy junk. That’s a separate debate. I, for one, don’t think we need to tell to tell people on food stamps how to eat. There’d need to be yet another bureaucracy created to decide what’s junk and what’s not (this isn’t as objective as you think it might be, especially because some people have very specific dietary requirements). Also, they’re on fucking food stamps. Do we need to begrudge them a Hot Pocket or a birthday cake? You don’t need an excuse like food stamps to be a busybody moralizing tool, so either go for it and let people make their own food choices, on or off food stamps.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 5:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   Gniz

      I figured if the government gives you money, the government has the right to tell you what to do with it. Don’t like the rules, don’t take it.

      While I understand that some people really need it, it’s so ungrateful to whine about not being able to do whatever you want with something you got for free. Like kids who depend on their parents, people who depend on the government must live by their rules.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   j-train

      Actually, you are limited to what you can buy with food stamps. I don’t know if Hot Pockets are on the list. It’s a debit card system. You swipe, and those items that you can buy with “stamps” get reduced from the bill. But that doesn’t mean that with their own personal money the person couldn’t buy them on their own.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 6:27 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.6   Vulpis

      *facepalm* Hot Pockets are a food item, so yes, they’re buyable with food stamps. And as has been pointed out, they generally cost $2-$4 for a box of two, so no, genrally there *aren’t* cheaper alternatives that don’t involve preparation at home first.

      I definitely feel sorry for the poster of that one–even if you are on foodstamps, some local governments are rather stingy with the amount, so you *still* have to work on a rather tight budget to make it stretch for the month.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 6:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.7   Jenn

      The implication that people get government assistance “for free” is incorrect. Most people are on it for only a short period of time and the rest of the time they contribute to that fund with taxes. If this was posted on a workplace fridge then obviously that person was already doing that.

      There are probably more frugal (and healthier) ways to eat, but when budgeting we don’t often take “some anonymous asshole stealing my lunch” into account. There’s also the fact that it’s quick and portable.

      Oct 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.8   Dr_Know

      Hey Gniz,

      That’s what this person is doing anyway…

      They’re getting FOOD stamps; what are they buying with it? Oh yeah FOOD!

      Oct 24, 2012 at 5:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.9   splint.chesthair

      There’s a difference between SNAP (current name for food stamp progam) and WIC (women, infants, children). SNAP allows almost anything edible (except hot foods) including pumpkins (but not inedible gourds) and birthday cakes (as long as the decoration is 50% or more of the cost). WIC has a host of requirement for eligible juice, breakfast cereal, cheeses and breads with an obvious attempt to reduce the number of sugary junk foods that are eligible.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:05 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.10   The Elf

      There might be cheaper alternatives, there might not be. A lot depends on the person’s particular situation. Do they have kitchen access? Refrigeration for leftovers? Cooking supplies? If no, then cooking something cheaper would be impossible.

      What’s their transportation like and where do they live? If they’re in a “food desert” and have few transportation options, then going to a grocery store might be out of the question. But the corner store does have Hot Pockets, and you can buy a few boxes to store in the company fridge for lunches…..

      While I would want someone to spend my hard-earned taxpayer money wisely too, I can easily see hot Hot Pockets would be a reasonable use of food stamps.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.11   honus

      Hey Ginz,

      Do me a favor and fuck yourself in your sanctimonious ass with a fresh-out-of-the-microwave-for-5-minutes-on-high Hot Pocket.

      Hugs and kisses,

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:41 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #6.12   Vulpis

      @splint.chesthair Huh–an actually informative post on PAN, who knew? The local program is called EBT, but afaik is the same thing as SNAP. About the only restrictions on it are food items only (including things like cooking oil–which always strikes me as a little odd, but useful for fried foods), and absolutely no alcohol–though this does mean that things like soap and paper products aren’t covered either. I never knew WIC was much more restrictive like that.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:49 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.13   CT

      Eh… I think they probably should be able to tell you what to spend food stamps on. Shoving a brick of cheese down your throat might be frugal, but it sure isn’t going to save the taxpayers any money when you need medical treatment from your poor dietary habits.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:57 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.14   redheadwglasses

      I’m a bleeding heart liberal, and I believe that if you’re going to use MY money to feed yourself, you should spend it was frugally as possible. We went without stuff like pop and store-bought treats when I was young and money was tight.

      There’s no shame in being poor, but there should be shame in spending MY money as if it’s your own.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.15   nom

      ^Except, as said by everybody else, Hot Pockets are pretty darn frugal as a meal. If you include preparation time and needing to have supplies on hand in that calculation, that is – which most “bleeding liberals” acknowledge as a huge issue for people on food stamps. Add in a cup of applesauce (less than 30 cents per portioned cup, coming in a $1.67 pack of 6 where I live) and pour yourself some water from the break room tap and you have a meal containing most of the food groups for less than $3.

      You can make the argument for pop and candy which is what you’re thinking of, I think, but frankly I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that Hot Pockets aren’t frugal : P. Fast junk meals are actually pretty cheap.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 10:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.16   Jami

      You know what, as long as the people are using their food stamps to buy stuff to actually eat, then it’s really no one’s business.

      Recently one of our friends was behind someone who was using food stamps. What this woman did was buy a single grape and ask for $24 cash back. Yes, you can do that with food stamps. She then took the money and left the grape. And according to the cashier not only do people do that all the time, if the grape costs more than 2 cents their throw a hissy fit.

      You can imagine where the money they get back gets used for.

      So you know what? Let them buy Hot Pockets with their food stamps and otherwise mind your own business. It’s the ones who cheat the system that we should worry about. Not someone who’s actually using it for food.

      Oct 28, 2012 at 6:39 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.17   nope

      that… probably didn’t happen.

      Oct 28, 2012 at 6:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.18   redheadwglasses

      That’s not legal, Jami. THe only cash you can get back when you use foodstamps has to be 99 cents or less. The cashier who did that helped commit fraud.

      Oct 29, 2012 at 1:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.19   Tasha

      Who’s to say that he eats that way often? Maybe it was a special treat that he allows himself very rarely. Or maybe since he apparently works, goes to school, and is paying his own living expenses and tuition, with the exception of his food budget or a portion thereof, and is clearly a productive member of society (who will probably end up earning more than I do), he figures he is entitled to keep packing his lunch simple. For all any of us know, he is extremely frugal with the rest of what he is qualified to receive. And as I mentioned before, Hot Pockets here are on sale all the time for three 2-packs for five dollars, which is potentially six lunches, especially if you throw in a piece of fruit or something. How dare he???

      Oct 31, 2012 at 6:03 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #6.20   Wilma Jo

      IMHO, if you are eating hot pockets, life is not being too good to you. They always made me sick at my stomach every time I ever tried them. The last thing these folks need is hearing about how they shouldn’t waste their EBT on them. Just my opinion.

      Nov 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #7   Smokey

    I always let my hot-pocket outside. He has never been hit by a car, and would hate living indoors.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Katie

      Hot pockets get eaten outside! How dare you suggest this, you terrible person!

      Oct 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   splint.chesthair

      Letting your hot pocket outside devastates the other frozen food stuffs that live outdoors! Hot pockets like to hunt and kill pizza bites and bagel bites for fun and have severely harmed local fish stich populations. Keep your hotpockets indoors, safe, and protect your outdoor environment so our children can enjoy wild pizza and bagel bites and our local fish sticks!

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:08 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Thunder McKing

      splint, it’s not just about protecting other snack food populations from hot pockets. It’s also about protecting hot pockets from predators. Do you know how many hot pockets fall victim to Chester Cheetah every single day?! Wait, maybe I’m mixing up kids and hot pockets. Nevermind.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:50 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.4   H for Toy

      Splint Chesthair, I’ve always wanted to ask… is your real name Bob Johnson?

      Oct 24, 2012 at 9:44 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.5   Kjeri

      I was practically raised by two beloved hot pockets who went outside whenever they pleased. They both lived to be 19 years old. Sure, they were moldy at that point, but we still loved them. I know some people hate hot pockets for leaving traces of tomato sauce and cheese whiz in their gardens and the occasional meat ball in their sand boxes, but they need to remember that its all part of the circle of life.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 10:37 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #7.6   Poltergeist92

      Curiosity killed the hot pocket.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #8   Purr Monster

    It’s times like these that I’m glad I have celiac disease. Not many people really want to eat gluten-free bread, I can tell you!

    Oct 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Vulpis

      OTOH, I’d suggest not bringing your breakfast cereal as a snack, or at the least keep it in sight–that gluten-free honey-nut Chex is yummy! :-)

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:51 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   Purr Monster

      hehe! I like the GF cinnamon Chex myself!

      Oct 25, 2012 at 5:55 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #9   swampdiamonds

    I assume that by losing an hour of work, the first one is referring to how long it took to type the note.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   0rd

      I assumed that he had to go out foraging for lunch, perhaps there are no eateries nearby. Maybe he had to go home to get lunch and lose an hour of pay. This is why you keep some emergency microwave popcorn or ramen noodles hidden in your desk.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 12:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   GeekyMonkey

      I just assumed they earned ~$2 an hour.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 4:19 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   Dr_Know

      Yeah but they said 3 boxes, not 3 hot pockets so it would be cost of hotpockets per box x 3. So $2-4 x 3 = $6-12.

      That’s a normal hourly rate in America right?

      Oct 24, 2012 at 5:25 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.4   The Elf

      That’s what I assumed too, Dr. Know. When you’re broke (and someone earning minimum wage or a little above likely is), you start to think of things in terms of hours of mind-numbing or back-breaking labor it cost to buy.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #9.5   Vulpis

      Keep in mind that they’re also thinking of the take-home pay after taxes, not the gross hourly income. Especially at minimum wage, it’s less than you think. :-/

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:52 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #10   treedweller

    Team Lean Pocket Lass. Just because. No, actually, for many reasons.

    Oct 23, 2012 at 8:25 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Kwyjor

      People would think twice about eating a pregnant “lass’s” lunch, I reckon.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 10:01 am   rating: 91  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   The Elf

      “Lean Pocket Lass” sounds like some sort of mutant mix of kangaroo and anorexic teenager. But if it were a Kanganagirl, you wouldn’t want to rile her by stealing her lunch. Bitch has a wicked left jab.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 11:06 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #11   Micheal

    “leave my lean pockets alone!”
    “that’s what she said.”

    Oct 23, 2012 at 8:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #12   Ely North

    This is it. This is the post that has finally made me lose my last ounce of faith in humanity. So many levels of wrongness, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m just going to shake my head and start drinking heavily…

    Oct 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #13   Chumley

    I never understood the phenomenon of stealing other people’s lunches from the break room. Why would you steal your co-worker’s lunch and make someone else go hungry and risk getting caught and humiliated when you could go to the store and spend a few bucks on your own frozen microwaveable food? Do people just hate their co-workers that much and want to get at them? Can they not afford like $3 for Hot Pockets?

    Oct 24, 2012 at 2:43 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Skittles

      They steal it because they just don’t care, or feel they have a right to it because they want it. I doubt very much that there is any animosity in it beyond “hey no one is looking so this must be free food”.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 3:47 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   a-Arialist

      It’s the people writing smark-alec replies, as well having stolen the lunch, that should be hung drawn and quartered. Arseholes.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 4:20 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   The Elf

      I’ve given up understanding it too, and sprung for an insulated lunch box. BTW, your frozen whatever (Hot Pocket, Lean Cuisine, etc) will not entirely defrost in an insulated lunch box. Certainly it would be cold enough not to impact the dubious quality of your pre-packaged lunch.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   Kupo

      People steal home-cooked food, too. I had someone steal my leftover enchiladas once. And I’ve also had people pick some items out of my lunch bag and leave others. For example, taking the fruit but leaving the carrot sticks.

      As for why, it tends to happen when we bring on a bunch of new staff who are contracted and entry-level. I assume it’s the combination of recently being unemployed, large numbers to hide in, and fairly low starting wages. I just take it as a risk of keeping my food in a public location.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 11:28 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   somethingsomething

      At the place where I used to work, there was very little food theft, and I think the main reason for this was that we were right next to a grocery store. Even if you didn’t have much money, you could easily get one of those microwavable chef-boyardee things for $1.50 (plus tax), or your own hotpockets if you really wanted them. I want to assume that the problem is mostly about laziness, people too lazy to make a home lunch or go out and just steal something from the kitchen.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #14   Brian H

    I am stupified as to the proliferation of people just taking something that they know isn’t theirs. And they aren’t taking from a complete stranger, they are taking from a co-worker.

    If I was the boss I would set up a camera like they use in a money count room so you have a hi-def video of who did it. To me it’s stealing so they would at a minimum get time on the beach or fired.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 4:36 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #15   Brian H

    I got to say I’ve been in jobs where everyone is carrying a gun and we never had this problem. It’s like taking the last beer. There’s a line.

    It’s true, a well armed society is a polite society.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 4:40 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   kermit

      Yeah, that’s it. More guns is definitely the answer; no wonder nobody has thought of this before.

      And if a well-armed society is a polite society, then Texans would be considered the most polite people the world over. Curiously, that accolade belongs to the Canadians.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 6:11 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   The Elf

      That doesn’t have anything to do with guns. It’s because they’re too cold to fight about it.

      The well-armed/polite relationship only works when compared to the subculture in question. So, well-armed TEXAN society is a polite TEXAN society.

      Imagine, if you can, what they’d be like without guns. They’d just say what they meant, without the “bless your heart”. No one wants that.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 11:11 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.3   kermit

      Er, even with guns they still have no qualms about inflicting violence on each other; high rate of gun ownership is a pretty correlated with high homicide rate.

      And personally, I would love it if trigger-happy people had to just fight with their fists.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 11:28 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.4   Brian H

      I was being a little tongue in cheek in my comment. I don’t see it being a widespread thing.

      I just thought it was humorous that in the jobs I ‘ve had being armed that people taking your food was never a problem.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.5   Tesselara

      Elf, if you weren’t already married, I’d offer. (We’d have to do it in Vermont or Massachusetts, though.) Your posts made me giggle out loud… of course, now the other coffee shop patrons think I’m insane, but it is a small price to pay.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.6   toni in florida

      Yeah, not universally true. I work at a county sheriff’s office and can assure you that there are food-stealing asshats everywhere, even places where the employees are heavily armed.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 8:48 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #15.7   kermit

      Toni, I think he meant a non-law enforcement workplace. I doubt there is a police/sherriff/courthouse/jail where anybody can wield a gun around for any reason (other than subduing a suspect, obviously).

      I mean, if you work for Rick Perry or Dick Cheney I would think you’d want to carry a gun (traquilizer or a real gun) in case one of them “accidentally” shoots you in the face. Heaven knows what they’ll do to you if you actually eat their sandwich.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 10:09 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #16   I see solutions, not problems

    1) Defrost Hotpocket
    2) Add laxative
    3) Re-freeze hotpocket
    4) Wait to see who’s out of work for a couple of days, spends all day in the bathroom.
    5) Pee in their filing cabinet. Especially you, pregnant lady. You have a great excuse.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 6:22 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   JG

      Yeah – Laxatives are a good cure for food theft. The last time I had to share a kitchen, I had a problem with vanishing coffee. I found that an entire pack of laxative tablets ground into powder and added to the remainder of my pack of coffee protected all future coffee packs from the vanishing problem.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #17   Brian

    In my (admittedly limited) experience, the instances of lunch theft go UP the more professional (and thus better paid) the office. I never had this issue working in low paying fields. In an office full of $40k+ jobs, I simply can’t expect my lunch to be in the fridge/freezer.

    It’s clearly not because the thief is invariably destitute them self. I think it’s 1 part ego, and 1 part a screwed up perception of social expectation. It’s as if people think “This is something that happens, so it’s OK if I do it.”

    As for food stamps, it’s much tougher than either extreme (let them buy a birthday cake vs. control their spending with an iron fist). I think we do need to do more to ensure that welfare benefits are used reasonably, but the answer isn’t “Go on SNAP, lose all ability to make your own decisions.”

    Oct 24, 2012 at 7:42 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #18   Kwyjor

    Maybe some people just make the assumption that because the fridge is a communal fridge inside a communal space that everything within it must also be communal? Perhaps it’s something that gets ingrained on a cultural level in some societies?

    Or maybe some people are just dicks, but, y’know, Hanlon’s Razor.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 10:04 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Poltergeist92

      “That lady set her purse down on a *public* park bench. Therefore, I have the right to take it.”

      “You parked your car in a *public* parking lot. Therefore, I have the right to drive it.”

      I don’t think there’s any society where taking something that isn’t yours is ever considered acceptable (and if there is, they sure as hell better learn to assimilate fast). So yes, people are just dicks.

      Oct 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #19   Courteny

    If I worked with the troll loser who left that last note about stocking up on pretzel hot pockets, I would straight up catch them in the act of eating the hot pocket and punch them mid chew.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 10:07 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #20   TurnOffTheDarnLights

    We had an office fridge/freezer/sweet thief for the longest time; they were finally stopped via someone bringing in a plate of brownies that had been doped up with Ex-Lax. If someone went up to the person that brought them in and ASKED if they could have a brownie, like a normal, polite human being, she’d explain they were doped to try and catch the thief with their pants down, so to speak.

    Eventually, a certain person – in Public Relations, ironically enough – was caught via her exceedingly sudden and frequent trips to the restroom. And shock of shock, the thefts stopped after that.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Beatus Mongous

      I knew a guy who’s commanding officer used to steal his lunch, so the guy brought marijuana brownies. Hilarity ensued after that.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #21   raichu

    That last note-writer is a douche. (Not the student on food stamps, but the reply.)

    Some of these notes are funny, but I don’t blame anyone for writing them if their food is being stolen. That is really not okay.

    Oct 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #22   ReDank

    I thought it read “Leon Pockets”, and then I remembered the word “Lean”…fin

    Oct 24, 2012 at 10:09 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #23   shepd

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Buy a small toolbox and add a lock to it. Place lunch in toolbox, lock up the toolbox, place toolbox in fridge.

    If they break into the toolbox, next job is to attach 120 volts to the toolbox. >:-D

    Oct 25, 2012 at 12:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   kermit

      If you can afford a locked toolbox that is thief-proof, chances are that you would eat something better than Hot Pockets and wouldn’t be on food stamps

      Oct 25, 2012 at 10:12 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.2   Ti

      You can buy a cashbox for like $10. No one is going to pick the damn lock.

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:29 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.3   The Elf

      Oh, I dunno. Maybe Shepd is just jonesing for a Hot Pocket. Liquid lava of tomato sauce, “pepperoni” peices, and cheese all wrapped up in a cardboard like crust is sometimes just what you need to get through the day. Probably got some Top Ramen in his desk for lunch emergencies too. Later he can hit the vending machine for some Bugels and Twix.

      Me, when I want low quality food, I hold out for stale Cheetos. Mmmmm, that’s good eatin’. Thanks Mom!

      Oct 25, 2012 at 11:58 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #23.4   Vulpis

      Actually, it wouldn’t even have to have to be thief-proof. Just a cheap toolbox and a cheap lock would be enough, and the thief would steal someone else’s lunch that they wouldn’t have to make an effort to get to (I seem to recall there actually *being* something similar being sold on…ThinkGeek? A plastic milk-crate thing that could be locked. Used to have a link for it, but the site hasn’t sold it for a while.) Remember that laziness is one of the core motivators here–they’re taking other people’s stuff because they’re too lazy to take their own.

      Granted, there’s also the problem that if you get a locked toolbox like this–odds are pretty good that at some point the entire toolbox will get taken. :-)

      Oct 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #24   Bond Girl

    This makes me want to buy a bunch of Lean Pockets and set them up as freezer bait, a la Bait Car or perhaps To Catch a Predator. Seems to me it’s the ideal way to suss out the office scourge that is the Refrigerator Thief.

    Oct 25, 2012 at 11:02 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #25   Bubba

    Need to invest in some of these to keep your food in

    Oct 25, 2012 at 12:28 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #26   jb

    A place I used to work had a major issue with lunches going missing all the time, especially left-overs. My lunch went missing almost everyday for an entire week. When I again needed to replace my lunch that Wednesday, I was fed up with and added a generous amount of Exlax to my left-overs and placed it back in the fridge… Not only did we finally figure out who was eating everyone’s lunches, but they were out sick for a few days and seemed to have finally learned their lesson!!!

    Oct 25, 2012 at 11:59 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   redheadwglasses

      I love it! He or she deserved that and more.

      Oct 26, 2012 at 1:20 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #27   Bookmark

    Perhaps a small lock is needed for employees’ lunch boxes?

    From what I’ve heard, those anti-theft lunch bags result in people throwing your food into the trash, so you still lose your lunch :( I vote the laxative route.

    Oct 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #28   bops

    I recently started a new job and was delighted to find that not only did the company provide lunches but they gave every item in the office fridge its own name. Cute idea.

    On my first day I ate a salad called Mary, second day a chicken sandwich called Sebastien and today it was a tuna wrap called Chantalle.

    Can’t wait to find out what they come up with tomorrow.

    Oct 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #29   David

    I have had this same problem but had to laugh at a couple of these responses. Normally when someone eats my food, although I hate it, I keep to myself and don’t let it bother me too much.

    Oct 28, 2012 at 7:36 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #30   ChibiOkamiko

    I haven’t had a problem with a food theif at work, but in High School, my lunch got stolen daily for about a week. So I packed a special lunch, red pepper mixed in the peanut butter sandwich, salt in the oreo frosting, and finally, I poked a hole in the bottom of a capri sun, emptied it out and refilled it with cinnamon oil, then resealed it . . . My lunch never got stolen again.

    Oct 29, 2012 at 9:12 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #31   mike_f

    The same people who say a poor pregnant woman should not be allowed the luxury of buying $2 hot pockets with food stamps are probably the ones who are OK with millionary bonuses paid with bailout (state) money.

    Oct 30, 2012 at 9:00 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Tasha

      Not that I’m advocating a booby-trapped lunch, exactly, but there was a pretty significant thieving problem at one place I worked at (the employee fridge was hidden away in a back corner of the warehouse and the thief apparently had a really good appetite). I will say that a small group of victims made up of blue-collar, healthy, creative men who worked hard for their food money and wanted their lunches got together and made a very special lunch. There was nothing obviously wrong with it. But it was stolen and sufficient time passed to safely assume that it had been consumed. Then, and only then, did they make a point of making sure that everyone heard exactly what they had done to the food. To my knowledge, no one ever lost a single item out of that refrigerator again. And, honestly, it really didn’t matter that no one ever knew who the thief was. He knew exactly who he was.

      Oct 31, 2012 at 6:31 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #32   Nope

    For fucks sake, just fill a hotpocket with nails or screws and look for the burning microwave/person being loaded into an ambulance…

    Nov 1, 2012 at 10:40 pm   rating: 90  small thumbs up

  • #33   Gross

    Unbleached Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Ham Water Added Ground and Formed, Natural Smoke Flavor Added (Cured with Water, Sugar, Salt, Sodium Phosphates, Natural Smoke Flavor, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite), Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese with Modified Food Starch (Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese [Pasteurized Milk, Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Modified Food Starch, Potassium Chloride, Flavors, Annatto), Seasoning (Palm Oil, Maltodextrin, Corn Syrup Solids, Wheat Flour, Salt, Cheddar Cheese [Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Sodium Caseinate, Artificial Color [Titanium Dioxide, Yellow 6 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6], Dipotassium Phosphate, Lactic Acid, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Buttermilk Powder, Calcium Lactate, Reduced Lactose Whey, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Butter [Cream, Salt], Whey, Disodium Phosphate, Disodium Guanylate, Disodium Inosinate, Whey Protein Concentrate, Sodium Citrate), Contains 2% or Less of: Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Palm Oil (with Soy Lecithin, Artificial Flavor, Beta Carotene), Modified Food Starch, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil (with Soy Lecithin, Citric Acid as Preservative), Seasoning (Toasted Bread Crumbs [Wheat Flour, Sugar, Yeast, Soybean Oil, Salt], Cheddar Cheese [Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Salt, Whey, Dextrose, Dehydrated Onion, Natural Flavor, Soybean Oil, Garlic Powder, Reduced Lactose Whey, Disodium Phosphate, Citric Acid, Lactic Acid, Disodium Inosinate & Guanylate, Spice, Blue Cheese [Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Extractives of Paprika & Annatto), Dough Conditioner (Calcium Sulfate, Distilled Monoglycerides, Salt, L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, Garlic Powder, Tricalcium Phosphate, Enzymes, Ascorbic Acid, Citric Acid, BHT), Dried Egg Yolks, Salt, Yeast, Dried Whey, Soy Flour, Dried Egg Whites.

    A Hot Pocket thief is a brave soldier jumping on a nutritional grenade. Buy some ham, cheese, veggies and pita bread and do your body a favor.

    Nov 3, 2012 at 11:46 am   rating: 90  small thumbs up


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