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Teacher says, every time a bell rings…

November 20th, 2012 · 39 comments

“There have been a lot of missionaries coming to our apartment building lately,” our submitter says, and apparently the occupants of Unit 307 have had enough of it. Adds our submitter: “I thought the Jesus Band-aids were a nice touch.”

Ringing this bell and/or knocking WILL result in signing your sell off to Satan. Blessings, #307

related: You will be CURSED if you wake my sleeping baby!

FILED UNDER: California · God · Jesus · knocking

39 responses so far ↓

  • #1   SeeYouInTea

    Answer the door naked. They might not come back. Maybe.

    Nov 20, 2012 at 8:33 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   GodlessHeathen

      We had a persistent local church who just wouldn’t take “No thank you” for an answer.

      My roomies & I resorted to taping boxes to gay porn VHS tapes on our door every Friday night, because every (and I do mean EVERY) Saturday morning at 7:00am the local church ladies would be knocking on our door (child in hand) in order to ‘spread the good word.’

      But it wasn’t until our big hairy friend answered the door naked with a meat tenderizer that they finally stopped.

      Nov 20, 2012 at 10:25 pm   rating: 45  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Not a Morning Person

      That would piss me off so bad. At 7am on a Saturday, even if I’m awake I’m not “awake,” and I certainly wouldn’t want to fend off church nuts while I’m bleary-eyed and trying to remember my own name.

      Nov 20, 2012 at 11:55 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Skittles

      When my parents were younger and living in San Fransisco they had a neighbor in the other end that liked to have all night gay orgies. So when ever they had missionaries come over they would be very polite and recommend that the missionairies go talk to the neighbor who would invariably answer the door naked with many gay men naked and in various positions behind him on the floor. After a certain point missionairies stoped showing up for some reason.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 2:21 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   TRT

      Is missionary even possible with gay sex?

      Nov 21, 2012 at 5:40 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Wait..what?

      Yes. Google it if you don’t believe me.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 9:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   redheadwglasses

      TRT, your naivete is adorable! : )

      Nov 21, 2012 at 11:59 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Kirsty

      I’m a Christian, and I would be majorly unimpressed if a church knocked on my door at 7am on a Saturday – or indeed any time before 10 or 11. In fact, courtesy would say, don’t knock on people’s doors on a Saturday morning at all. Seriously, are they trying to put people off?

      Nov 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #2   onlittlecatfeet bang

    Where can I get those Jesus bandaids?

    Nov 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #3   Julia

    I guess it’s true that Jesus heals all wounds.

    Nov 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Poltergeist

      Jesus heals all boo-boos.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 12:43 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #4   Brian

    Missionary: Might I take a moment to tell you about the everlasting salvation found through Jesus Christ?

    Me: Certainly, if I can have equal time to tell you about the great earthly power that Baphomet is willing to give you.

    Missionary: *flees*

    That night, 8 people with candles stood at the end of my driveway praying. So I put my speakers in my window and played things like “Tubular Bells (The Exorcist Theme)” until they left.

    Nov 21, 2012 at 7:30 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Tesselara

      Watch out for those zealots. My boss got sued for being a witch a few years ago. (She was just doing a cemetery program at our nature center)

      In New York.

      There’s crazy everywhere.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 9:42 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Brian

      I would love to be sued for being a witch! I’ll defend myself, and threaten to hex the jury if they convict!

      Nov 21, 2012 at 11:51 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   redheadwglasses

      How does someone get sued merely for having personal religious beliefs?

      Nov 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   The Elf

      She weighed the same as a duck.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 12:37 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   Tesselara

      She was demonstrating how short people were during colonial times, and asked a student to lie down between the headstone and foot stone. A kid ran back to his parents and told them that she walked widdershins around the grave, etc, etc. Apparently, you can sue someone for being a witch in NY. She laughs now, but it was pretty rough at the time.

      Nov 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   BBJ

      I had no idea that being a witch was grounds for a civil suit. Do you need to demonstrate that the witch did something to you with witchcraft, or is it enough that they’re just, you know, a witch?

      Nov 22, 2012 at 11:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   wright1

      I hope she at least *tried* to turn whoever pressed charges against her into a newt. She could always say it worked but he got better…

      Nov 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #5   t-rex

    So, you are not asking for the missionary’s position?

    Nov 21, 2012 at 8:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   maisie

    I was at a bus stop once, and some missionaries approached another woman. She said, “I’m a witch,” and stopped them in their tracks. After the church ladies beat a hasty retreat, I turned to the woman and said, “That’s a good one. I’ll have to use that next time.” She smiled at me and said, “Oh, I really am a witch! I’m Wiccan.”

    I’d still use that line anyway!

    Nov 21, 2012 at 8:50 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

  • #7   Havingfitz

    My father used to love it when missionaries came to the door. He told them we were Pooh Bearists and that we prayed to Saint Piglet. He had a whole spiel memorized to try and convert folks to the wisdom of Winnie the Pooh. Did you know that Eeyore will die for your sins if you really, really need him to?

    Nov 21, 2012 at 10:55 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Spooky

      Yeah, but he’s such a *martyr* about it….

      Nov 21, 2012 at 11:07 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   redheadwglasses

      Have you read the Tao of Pooh?

      Nov 21, 2012 at 12:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   Clumber

      #7.2 redheadwglasses
      I wrote a long paper in college with citations and all that comparing The Tao of Pooh and the I-Ching. Got an A.

      Nov 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #8   Vulpis

    Is it just me, or does it seem rather appropriate that the actor who’s movie generated the title for this post is *also* famous for doing a character who tries to convince people he’s hanging out with a giant invisible rabbit? Granted, the rabbit isn’t granting miracles, knocking up married women, and then sending the resulting son off to get killed and brought back to life, but having people trying to get you to follow *their* big imaginary friend seems fitting…

    Nov 21, 2012 at 11:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #9   Nunavut Guy

    So this was the 307th person to sign their soul over to Satan?

    Nov 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #10   The Elf

    I’d still knock. It’s not like I’m using my soul anyway.

    Nov 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #11   Jamoche

    Too late, I already sold it to the company store.

    Nov 22, 2012 at 3:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   The Elf

      You hauled sixteen tons of Bibles?

      Nov 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   GeekRyuu

      Yeah, but what did you get? Another day older?

      Nov 23, 2012 at 1:46 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   GeekRyuu

    Grabbing your purse and racing out the door screaming “My wife is in labor!” works too.

    Or at least causes some really fun confusion on the missionaries’ parts.

    Nov 23, 2012 at 1:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #13   germangirl

    “And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the
    Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
    shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
    shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
    excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
    the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
    thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
    in my sight, shall snuff it.’”
    Bye bye missionaries.

    Nov 23, 2012 at 5:39 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #14   nola

    Depending on the type of missionaries you have at your door, the easiest way to get rid of them is saying, “I’ve accepted the lord jesus christ as my personal savior. Thanks! Have a nice day.” They usually go away at that point and don’t bother coming back because you’ve already been “saved.” However, this doesn’t work with Mormons or Jehovah witnesses.

    Nov 25, 2012 at 7:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   ninjaduck bang

    0_0 The Jesus stickers really give this note something extra

    Nov 27, 2012 at 10:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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