With apologies to Theodor Geisel

December 12th, 2012 · 26 comments

The porcelain throne, it seems, serves as a muse to many…with predictably crappy results.

Potty Training 101 Flush the toilet when you are done. If the handle seems to stick. Flush twice or thrice to do the trick.

And the response:

Thank you for the refresher course, but these toilets really are the worst. Alas, we are the bad news bearer, this is not a matter of user error. Maybe it's work with a thinga-ma-jigger!  It makes our heads twirl that these toilets do not swirl.   They swish, they gurgle, no matter how little the waste, these toilets will not burgle, the refusing to make haste.  I've flushed once, twice, and even thrice, but still these toilets do not play nice.   Oh my! the time is costs. Seriously! these toilets should be tossed.  Sincerely, The Fish

related: Couplets for the Crapper

extra credit: A Funeral in the Bathroom: and Other School Bathroom Poems

FILED UNDER: office · pure poetry · rebuttals · toilet


26 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Hirayuki

    It’s the inclusion of Thing 1 and Thing 2 that really make it a masterpiece–because, let’s face it: the poetry is abysmal.

    Dec 12, 2012 at 11:55 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   JK

      I’m guessing the cause of the potty problem was the green eggs and ham. If you listen to Sam I Am, you pay for it in the end with a little food poisoning.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 10:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   H for Toy

    You know what we haven’t had in a while? Bathroom limericks. I think it’s about time.

    Dec 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Dane Zeller

      There was a young man from Nantucket,
      Whose toilet he could not flush it.
      The content of the Kohler one-holer,
      would always flow the bowl over.
      So he gave it to his mother-in-law in Pawtucket.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 8:10 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   H for Toy

      There once was a man from Kentucky
      Whose toilet was awfully sucky
      He flushed it once, twice
      And then even thrice
      If it worked, he thought he was lucky.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   CarnivorousPlants

      There once was a man from Peru
      Who had a awful time flushing his poo
      It put up quite the fight
      Would not flow out of sight
      So he covered it with more tissue.

      Dec 15, 2012 at 11:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   DaveGI

      Not a limmerick but it fits the subject:

      In olden days when knights were bold
      And toilets were not yet invented,
      They dumped their loads along the roads
      And walked away contented!

      Dec 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   redank

    …so much time on their hands!

    Dec 12, 2012 at 2:34 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   The Elf

      Well, sometimes it takes a while. Coming up with poetry – even bad poetry – beats some other options.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 9:47 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Captain Hampton

    Who in their right mind wants a toilet that burgles, anyway?

    Dec 12, 2012 at 3:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   backs away

      And why should a toilet ‘swirl’? I’m going to have nightmare about toilets swirling out of their stalls now…
      *runs* and *hides*

      Dec 13, 2012 at 1:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Oppan

      I’m not sure if you’re being facetious, really, so take this next bit with a grain of salt…

      The swirling refers to the water in the toilet bowl, which on many toilets goes down in a swirling circular fashion when flushed.

      Unless they’re the super-powerful kind, then they just blast water straight at the exit and this usually results in water flying all over the seat as well. While it gets the job done, it also makes it impossible to leave the seat water-free for the next person. Wipe it up, flush the paper in the bowl to dispose and…oh…water on the seat again…

      Those toilets make everyone look their worst for the next user.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 10:14 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   George P

    Dr. Seuss understood the concept we call “meter”.

    Dec 12, 2012 at 3:33 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   kermit

      The meter-ic (or metric, if you will) system is oppressive to Americans. They snub it. Imperial is the only acceptable way to go.

      Dec 12, 2012 at 9:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   GeekyMonkey

      The original poem is ok, but the response is appalling.

      Rhyming ‘course’ with ‘worst’? Unacceptable.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 4:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   kermit

      Maybe they’re from Boston. Or Minnesota.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 10:00 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   redheadwglasses

      Being a Minnesotan, I can confidently state that all poetry must have rhyme and meter. None of that freeform stuff. Lutherans like order.

      Dec 13, 2012 at 11:21 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Sir Puke

    The poetry is low-grade for sure, but it conveys the message effectively. It shows effort, rather than something like: The toilets suck and so do you!
    Grade: A

    Dec 12, 2012 at 3:48 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   TRT

    One fish, Two fish,
    Brown fish, Bad fish.

    Dec 13, 2012 at 6:08 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Spencer

    The Fish needs to work on his scansion. Why do poetry at all if you’re not going to do it right? Especially since nothing is easier to write than rhyming couplets. No partial credit here.

    Dec 13, 2012 at 6:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Kwjor

    Most of the time, isn’t the trick to hold down the handle rather than move it repeatedly?

    Dec 13, 2012 at 8:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Tesselara

    Bad poetry–good point. If you have to push the handle down three times, there’s something wrong in Toiletland. Or maybe the toilet is on strike from being a poopburglar.

    Dec 13, 2012 at 8:47 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   t-rex

    Alas, the toilet did break
    A mess the toilet did make
    A plunger no where to be seen
    At work, now, I will only be peeing!

    Dec 13, 2012 at 12:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Kimberly

    Flushing a toilet a thousand times per visit hardly seems environmentally friendly.

    Dec 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Lita

    Burgling toilets?

    And all this time I thought it was the cat burglar.

    Dec 13, 2012 at 4:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Kathryn

    The first is snappy, clever and cute.

    The second I’d hardly dare call doggerel. Ugh. What a mess.

    Dec 18, 2012 at 9:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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