2012: The Year in Search Queries

December 31st, 2012 · 39 comments

Thanks to the magic of analytics, I’m able to see the unique search queries that bring people to this little website — and unique they are! (For many people, Google seems to serve much the same function as a Magic 8 ball.) If you’re feeling voyeuristic, take a peek below at some of the more, shall we say, interesting questions that somehow led people to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com over the past year.

if you dig in indiana far down enough will you hit diamonds
what does an orange grow up to be
do they eat cupcakes in africa
can coffee creamer hurt you?
can cereal kill you
what the fuck is rice

is there a penalty if your tooth is put under yoru pillow late
my mom always drags me to a barber for a hair cut why??
how do you run away from your mum forever
how do u get into your babysitters pants
how to ask a girl who doesn’t know you to sign your yearbook
what happens if you dont wash your hands after masturbating and can you get stds from it

am i going to hell for what i did today
do i walk noisily?
who should i invite to my birthday?
is my girlfriend ruining my life
why is my stapler so important to me?
why am i so awful to my parents

does God like being God
is it bad luck to clip nails in office
if a cat shits in front of ur house is it auspicious?
why is it easier for tall people to walk up stairs
—is it still hip to wear ed hardy?
what is it like to wear a unitard

should some one with open sores swim in a public pool
can your tampon get caught on fire from a tanning bed
what will happen if you lick a dirty turtle
is chobani yogurt good for herpes
does the hip abduction machine tighten vagina lips
I have the desire to stick my butt onto all glass pains, do I have a problem

 


FILED UNDER: meta


39 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Nick

    Who doesn’t know what rice is?

    Dec 31, 2012 at 8:22 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   nunavut guy

      People with no rice.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 2:39 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   kermit

    Wow. Well this definitely has me beat. When I had a blog – back in the olden days when Blogger was just a spunky start-up, instead of a Google arm – the weirdest search query I got was “itchy crotch rot”, on a blog that had absolutely nothing to do with any of those things. I ended up writing a post about it telling the lurker to seek medical attention.

    Dec 31, 2012 at 8:51 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Monica

    Is this really how people think Google works? Good god, I’m old enough to remember Ask Jeeves, which was supposed to be able to answer questions, but couldn’t.

    Dec 31, 2012 at 8:52 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Jami

      I’m guilty of sometimes entering questions into Google – once I get frustrated from entering just the terms and not finding what I want. Occasionally it’ll work and get me results I’m actually looking for.

      Most the time it brings up porn. I seem to have a knack for finding that. Or the internet has more porn on it than originally believed.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 10:23 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   The Elf

      The internet is for porn. It’s why the net was born.

      Jan 3, 2013 at 7:06 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Jan

      There’s plenty of question-answer sites on the internet, lots of forum posts that start with these sorts of questions, and plenty of medical sites that present information in an FAQ format. Not sure why typing in a question is the “wrong” way to use Google if you want to end up at any one of these types of results.

      What annoys me are the people who type urls into Google. Now THAT’s the wrong way to use Google.

      Jan 3, 2013 at 10:13 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   kermit

      It’s “wrong” because by typing in a question (instead of terms) you’re far more likely to get inaccurate/ incomplete information from a content farm instead of a legitimate FAQ from say, the Mayo Clinic or some other reputable source.

      Jan 3, 2013 at 7:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Jan

      I dunno about you but I consistently end up at reputable sites when doing search queries as questions – and they are always answered satisfactorily. See, the idea is you evaluate your results and click the reputable link. If you don’t see anything reputable, you try searching a different way…

      I mean, you’re not forced to click the first thing that shows up.

      In fact, if you really want mayo results, just type the question and tack mayo clinic on the end. It’s not like google parses the words in order or sentence format, and an extra “why” or “what” in your query outside your normal search terms (“what is superheating” as opposed to just “superheating”) isn’t going to throw a search result way off into the boonies. In fact, “what is superheating” was actually the better search term in this particular example since google itself will answer for you. So, your search mileage will vary by how stupid you are, really.

      Jan 7, 2013 at 10:34 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   shwo! bang

    This is some serious gourmet free verse.

    Dec 31, 2012 at 9:19 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Sneaky Burrito

    I love doing this for my own blog. Every once in awhile I get an actual topical query. But most of the time it’s people looking for ways to cheat on homework and illegally download textbooks (which are NOT activities I advocate). Either that, or people with sex obsessions related to characters in fantasy novels.

    Dec 31, 2012 at 9:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Rose

    These are great!

    Back in the day when the web content mills were still going I was a title writer for a major mill. We basically edited the search strings the sites got and made them into titles … so we saw a lot of stuff like this.

    I think the weirdest keyword search I’ve gotten on my blog has only been “dragon sex” …

    Dec 31, 2012 at 11:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   The Elf

      That’s hot.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 3:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Rene

    What the hell is a hip abduction machine?!

    Dec 31, 2012 at 11:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   kermit

      A thigh master, basically. Hip abductors are technically called gluteus medius and gluteus minimus; they are hip muscles.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 12:03 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   JT

      An exercise machine that you see in a gym where while sitting you squeeze your legs together against pads that offer resistance.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 12:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Who passed out the Haterade?

      I’m pretty sure squeezing your legs together is adduction, while spreading your legs is abduction.

      I’m not touching the relevance of that to the original query, though.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 8:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Rene

      Ok, so hips aren’t being kidnapped. Whew!

      Jan 1, 2013 at 1:17 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   Guy with no hips

      Well if anyone knows where to find one please call me.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 2:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   kermit

      Have you asked Betty White or the Queen of England? They both have spiffy new hips, I think.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 9:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   scott hall

    am i going to hell for what i did today
    and
    what will happen if you lick a dirty turtle

    Are the funniest, if they are legitimate questions and not people searching for a quote from something.

    Jan 1, 2013 at 4:44 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   The Elf

      But the answers are self explanatory!

      “Am I going to Hell for what I did today?”

      Yes. Because some religion, somewhere, has banned what you did today. If not, there’s always the pre-determination religions – odds are very good you are not among those pre-determined by God to be saved. So by existing, you’re going to hell. Sorry. Better luck next time.

      “What will happen if you lick a dirty turtle?”

      You’ll go to Hell. It’s one of the basic tenents of my religion.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 6:28 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   kermit

      Can I lick a clean turtle instead? What if the turtle licks me against my will?

      Jan 2, 2013 at 9:46 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Who passed out the Haterade?

      That depends on whether it was a legitimate lick.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 11:21 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   KC

    Just goes to show how bad Google is at some things.

    Jan 1, 2013 at 12:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Jami

      It’s still better than Bing.

      Jan 1, 2013 at 11:14 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   redheadwglasses

      But not better than a bong.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 12:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Jami

      I prefer dong.

      Jan 7, 2013 at 11:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   redank

    these sound like interesting q’s to ask iPhone Siri

    Jan 1, 2013 at 1:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   The Elf

    Well, I can answer the first one. If you dig down to at least level 11 and start digging in a straight line, then a grid pattern, and eventually you’ll find them. This would work anywhere in the world.

    Bring plenty of picks – at least iron! – and watch for monsters if you break into any caves.

    Jan 1, 2013 at 7:27 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   havingfitz

      Watch out for lava, too, especially in the lower levels. Agree entirely about always having an iron pick-ax with you: nothing worse than finding the diamonds and realizing you have no way of extracting them.

      Jan 2, 2013 at 3:39 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   susan

      I recommend Elian Detector.

      Jan 3, 2013 at 8:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   The Elf

    “Is my girlfriend ruining my life?”

    Well, if you’re coming to this site looking to see if she’s sent in the passive aggressive notes you keep sending her, then I’d say it’s the other way around.

    Jan 2, 2013 at 8:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   sassmaster

    It is never hip to wear Ed Hardy. And if you do, I’m sure you can answer whoever asked what it’s like to wear a unitard.

    Jan 2, 2013 at 10:14 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   NonnyMus

    Wow! Educational standards have really plummeted. Yikes!

    Jan 2, 2013 at 1:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Kupo

    This makes me want to google some really weird questions, then click on the least relevant and most normal-looking websites to mess with their stats.

    Jan 2, 2013 at 11:08 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   havingfitz

      I like that idea. I asked Google if I was actually the secret love child of Elvis and a bowl of Frosted Flakes. The people who run a Justin Timberlake fansite and the dude who has detailed the history of the Merry Melody cartoons are going to be rather surprised…

      Jan 3, 2013 at 7:55 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   anotherfool

    Now I’m stuck with the image of a bikini’ed 20 something self-involved girl lying, eyes closed, in a tanning bed and her tampon spontaneously igniting. And I’m not quite sure how to feel about that.

    Jan 5, 2013 at 1:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Me

    My favorite is the person who spelled “your” as “ur” but was clever enough to use the word “auspicious.”

    Jan 27, 2013 at 8:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     

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