The Boy Who Drank All the Milk: A first-world fable

January 23rd, 2013 · 60 comments

Marcel in Montreal begins his story with the moral: “There are just some things you don’t mess with — vipers, rabid dogs, king cobras, black widows…and my mom.” His younger self, however, was far less wise. This is his tale.

For a long time, Marcel and his siblings had the irritating habit of drinking all the milk in the house late at night so that there was none left when their mother went to pour herself a bowl of cereal for breakfast the morning.

One day, Marcel and his siblings came home from school to find a batch of “the richest, most delicious brownies ever” sitting on the counter. Of course, they dug in immediately. But just as he was about to head to the fridge to pour himself a cold, tall glass of milk to wash down all that chocolate-y goodness, Marcel noticed this note from Mom hiding underneath the crumbs.

Maybe next time you'll think before you drink all the milk and don't replace it!! xoxo ? Mom

“Sacre bleu!” he cried, for sure enough, there was not a drop of milk to be found in the house. Leaving a trail of brownie crumbs behind him, he ran as fast as he could to the nearest dairy farm, where, shortly before hitting send on this submission, he was eaten by a very hungry wolf.

“Both Marcel and the brownies,” the wolf wrote, “were fucking delicious.”

related: The Boy Who Forgot to Clear His Browser History

FILED UNDER: heart · milk · Moms & Dads · Montreal · Mother-son notes · signed with love · xoxo


60 responses so far ↓

  • #1   ka-ris

    Why not drink water instead? I do that.

    Jan 23, 2013 at 8:56 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Roto13

      I guess because they’re not horrible monsters like you.

      Jan 23, 2013 at 11:20 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   PowerPaw

      Hey man I can’t drink milk after something rich. It’s like replacing something that coats your mouth with something ELSE that coats your mouth. Not only does it taste bad, but it makes my teeth feel dirty. I always drink water after ice cream, brownies, cake, you name it. Much better.

      Still though, “punishment” by brownies? I’ll take that any day.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 10:27 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Daniel

    And that is how a pro does it.

    Jan 23, 2013 at 9:21 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   janos

      well said

      Jan 23, 2013 at 9:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Daniel

      A Mom fu black belt is unbeatable.

      Jan 23, 2013 at 11:34 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   KC

    Team Mom

    Jan 23, 2013 at 9:29 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Lindsay

      I used to do the same thing to my Dad all the time when I was a kid. It wasn’t like I could go out and replace it! But I understand the frustration, I too have poured a bowl of cereal, went to get the milk and there was none. ARGH! What do I do, put the cereal back in the box?

      My dad once left a note, saying something like “Don’t drink all the milk!” Except instead of signing it Dad, he signed it with his full name… we still make fun of him for that.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   L

      Put it in a ziploc, have toast for breakfast, get more milk, eat it tomorrow. Or as a snack in the afternoon.

      Feb 21, 2013 at 7:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   bob loblaw

    Double surprise from Mom, brownies spiked with hash ………………..

    Jan 23, 2013 at 10:17 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Laura

      ^^This post says it all^^

      Jan 23, 2013 at 11:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   SeeYouInTea

    My brother used to do this shit all. the. time. I rarely ate breakfast, but some mornings, I’d wake up and crave my little Cinnamon Toast Crunch, open the fridge, and RAGE.

    Jan 23, 2013 at 11:25 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Rachel

    I don’t get it. She was angry that they drank all the milk, so she made them brownies?

    Jan 23, 2013 at 11:57 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Chug

      So she made them brownies without any milk in the house to wash down that all that rich chocolate.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 12:32 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Mel

      The best punishment for milk-guzzlers would be something like making a pot of something delicious and spicy… and then adding a tablespoon or two of cayenne. Water makes the burn worse; milk soothes it.

      *Then* maybe they’ll think before leaving the house milk-less.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 4:41 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Alexis Anne

    I was totally sure the brownies were going to be laced with Ex-Lax.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 2:03 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   redheadwglasses

      I did, too, but with numerous kids in the family, that could be a disaster unless you have numerous bathrooms!

      Jan 24, 2013 at 11:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   The Elf

      A disaster, but a really funny disaster.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 9:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Stacey

    I wish someone would teach me a lesson by making me delicious brownies.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 2:38 am   rating: 67  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Kirsten

      Me too! My mother never punished me with brownies.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 3:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Sam

    Stand….head bow….slow clap.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 2:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Poltergeist

    Props for creativity, but the effectiveness is questionable. It would be like my mother laying out a bunch of joints and then telling me that I should think before I eat all the Cool Ranch Doritos. I mean, yeah, the two things go well together, but it’s not like they’re attached at the hip.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 3:21 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   H for Toy bang

      I don’t know… maybe they are just that certain kind of brownies. I hate milk. Absolutely hate it! But I remember having a brownie once that my friend’s mom made, and I needed a glass of milk after I’d eaten it. After I’d washed the brownies down, I hated milk again, but for some reason, I really needed milk with that brownie.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 5:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Brasil-il-il-il bang

    i can imagine Marcel carefully placing all the crumbs on the note.. -”go get the camera”

    Jan 24, 2013 at 6:39 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   pooham

      That’s what I thought when I read the story. This pic had to be staged. As I was reading I was expecting the note to be on the refrigerator.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 3:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Merri

      I agree, but I’d call it a ‘reenactment’. The clues are ‘Marcel’ and ‘Montreal’ – the original was most likely written in French.

      Jan 26, 2013 at 9:22 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Kat

    I don’t think the mom understands “punishment”. To me this seems more like “reward”. If I was given a tray of brownies every time I drank a pint of milk I think my diet would only consist of milk and brownies.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 10:35 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   yolanda

    I get it. It’s brilliant and incredibly loving. She essentially taught her boys how it feels to really want a glass of milk and discover none in the fridge, as she does every morning. It’s no less petty of a problem, milk for the cereal, after all. Especially when you consider how nutritionally poor a breakfast choice it is anyway.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 11:07 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Spooky

    Team Submitter; because THAT’s a story.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 11:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   redheadwglasses

    I hate milk and am lactose intolerant. I also would drink water straight from the plastic pitcher in the fridge, much to my mom’s dismay. One day, I opened the fridge and grabbed the water pitcher and put it to my mouth, and MILK! augh! gross! Ptooey!

    She said she did it to teach me to stop drinking out of the water pitcher.

    What she taught me was to check inside the pitcher before drinking from it.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 11:58 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Cake

    Team wolf! The return of “fucking delicious” is nigh!

    Jan 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   t-rex

    My word, since when are kids responsible for going out and buying milk?!

    Momma bear gone lost a marble.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 12:33 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   StephM

      That’s what I was thinking. How many people rush out to buy milk the second they drink the last drop? (Assuming Marcel and/or his brothers are old enough to drive alone, and have money to buy milk.)

      Jan 24, 2013 at 2:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Shevrolet

      It’s not about driving to the store to replace the milk, it’s about thinking before you drink it all. My boyfriend used to do this to his mother and occasionally still does it to me. When you go to bed with over a litre of milk in the fridge you don’t imagine that it’ll ALL be gone by the time you get up. How hard is it to save a glass for someone else? It’s an inconsiderate habit, and their mom was just trying to teach some empathy.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 3:04 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   t-rex

      My parents adopted a brood of children, and had foster kids (7 kids living in the house at times). They were always buying milk, and no one was made to feel guilty about finishing off a gallon. They also kept 3 – 4 gallons in the fridge in case of running out. This is about bad parenting. If you know your kids go through a lot of milk, just buy more at the outset. And be thankful that your kids are choosing milk over pop.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.4   Allergies

      If this is actually a child we’re talking about, then no, he’s probably not responsible for getting more milk. If this is anything like when my a-hole 20-year-old little brother, who still lives at home, consumes everything in his reach just because he can, then yeah, I’d say the kid is responsible for replacing the milk. Milk is kind of expensive and I think it’s a pretty big stretch to say that not providing your children with an endless supply of it is bad parenting.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 10:20 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.5   t-rex

      The supply doesn’t need to be endless, just adequate. I’m sure your 20 year old brother isn’t put in charge of buying groceries, either.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 7:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.6   H for Toy

      Marcel is not a child, or an adult. He is a shell. with shoes on . He can’t even lift a crayon, so I don’t know how he is going to bring home a gallon of milk.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 8:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.7   Ace of Space

      I beg to differ, T-Rex. At 20 years old, a child living at home has *no* expectation of an adequate supply of anything. At 18 years old, my son is in charge of buying groceries. He has a job, and is expected to contribute to the upkeep of the household.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 9:38 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.8   PowerPaw

      A liter isn’t really that much milk, especially if it’s for a family that enjoys milk. I knew guys in college who would down half a gallon a day.

      Personally, I would think this is a case of not buying adequately for demand. And who “deserves” the milk more – the person who thinks they “need” it at night, or the person who thinks they “need” it in the morning? And the milk has to be finished SOMEtime, we can’t all go drinking only half of what’s left until there’s only a tablespoon left.

      Just…buy more milk. Obviously if you’re always running out “too soon” you should buy more.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 10:25 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.9   dipwad

      If a parent is going to let their adult children live at home, they should expect them to act as adult sized children.

      If the parent does not want this, the parent could kick the child out or charge them rent.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.10   Jami

      @Dipwad

      Both my 44 year old brother and I live at home still. Him because he has bad credit and no job after years of being an alcoholic. (Sober four years now but still having trouble getting it together.) Me because my dreams are easier to pursue from home and because mom’s handicapped and someone needs to be around to care for her when dad’s at work.

      They still expect us to act like adults. We have to pay most of our own way. Medical bills, food for my dog, my clothes, etc I pay for myself for instance.

      Now granted, my brother can be a total asshat. He does have this hatred towards women he refuses to admit to. Been known to verbally abuse mom until she cries. Refuses to help dad with the yard. But he’s still expected to not eat everything in the house and act like an adult.

      Sadly, he gets away with more because no one except me is willing to confront him. And because I’m younger (36) and female he won’t listen to me as I’m “beneath him.”

      Looking at my brother and I, you can live with your parents and still be an adult who doesn’t drink an entire gallon of milk without replacing it. It all depends on how your parents treat the situation. Between my brother and I, frankly I’m the more mature, responsible, and helpful one simply because I’m treated differently from him. Though he does use his unemployment to buy food on occasion.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 2:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.11   nikki

      Bad parenting because you want your kids to be thoughtful about not drinking all the milk??

      If Marcel is old enough to be submitting to this site and to be drinking all the milk in the wee hours of the morning, he’s probably old enough to try to train to think about other people before gorging yourself on all the milk/juice in the fridge.

      My boyfriend, who sometimes has the kitchen manners of a teenage boy, sometimes can’t help himself when we get a new gallon of milk or bottle of juice and he’ll tear through that think in a day or so. I’ll go to drink some a day later, innocently thinking the juice should be at least half-full, only to find little sprinkles in the bottom.

      I don’t think making him brownies would work, though.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 5:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.12   Poltergeist

      There’s never an excuse to act like a spoiled child, not contribute anything to the household, and just being a mooch in general, but I don’t get this stigma so many people have about 20+ year olds living at home.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 5:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.13   dipwad

      none of you who knows just how old Marcel is. Quit projecting y’all.

      Jan 26, 2013 at 7:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.14   kermit

      It’s irrelevant how old Marcel is. Evidently, he is old enough to read and visit a website not designed for minors.

      Unless Marcel lives in some impoverished third world country, his parents give him an allowance and assign him responsibilities around the house.

      Asking a kid that’s old enough to read and count change to replace the damn milk if it runs out before the family grocery run is not really a big freaking deal – it’s what normal considerate people and parents do. A household is not a full service hotel. If you live there and are otherwise able-bodied, you contribute to the upkeep of the house, no matter how old you are. It’s not child labour; it’s not child abuse; it’s just asking a kid to go to the corner store and get some milk. Sheesh.

      Jan 27, 2013 at 10:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Ely North

    No milk? Who gives a shit? Free brownies bitch!

    Jan 24, 2013 at 2:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Lil'

    When my mom and her siblings were kids, they had a habit of secretly opening their Christmas gifts early and rewrapping them. The problem is kids don’t wrap as well as adults, so my grandparents always knew. They didn’t have much money and worked hard to make Christmas nice for the kids, so it was extremely disappointing and disrespectful to my grandparents. The kids were warned one year in particular not to pull that stunt again, but they didn’t listen. On Christmas morning, they rushed into the living room to tear through the mountain of gifts (there were 5 or 6 children at that time). Every one of them got just what they asked for. They were over the moon with excitement, and even though they already knew what they were getting , they still pretended to be surprised. When the excitement leveled out, my grandparents asked if they liked everything. Of course the kids said yes. My grandmother said, “Good. Now you see what you could have had if you had obeyed.” Then she took every single toy back to the store that year. The kids never touched another gift until Christmas morning.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 3:15 pm   rating: 39  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   misspiggy

      Wow, that is harsh. Way to ruin Christmas, Grandma.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 7:00 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Harbinger

      Way to ruin Christmas, KIDS. Grandma had the right idea. Woke up at 5am Christmas last year, all the kids were sleeping. Woke up at 5.30am, and one was missing. Followed the trail of shredded wrapping paper to the lounge where Mr 8 is sitting watching TV surrounded by his opened presents. So much for seeing the surprise and joy on the faces of the kids, which at my age is about the only good thing about Christmas.

      Jan 24, 2013 at 8:30 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   The Elf

      Hey, she warned ‘em.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 9:55 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   SS

    The christmas presents issue reminds me of a story my coworker told me…. as a teenager she used to sneak in and peek at presents before christmas. One year she saw she was getting an outfit that she’d REALLY wanted. Shortly before christmas, she was asked out on a date by a guy she really wanted to impress and she really wanted to wear that outfit so she snuck out the present and wore it on her date. When she got home, she went to tell her parents about the date, forgetting that she was wearing a gift that she ‘hadn’t received yet’. Boy did she get in trouble for that.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 10:59 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   wright1

    Best. Cautionary. Tale. EVER.

    Jan 24, 2013 at 11:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   kbee

    I was totally waiting for the other shoe to drop, like laxatives or something.

    Then again, it wouldn’t make much sense – “You drank the milk, here, crap yourself for a week!” Unless she said “No milk in these brownies… guess what I uuused?!” or something.

    Mom was stealthy, and so I give her props. Dunno how effective it would be, but points for trying.

    Jan 25, 2013 at 2:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Amelia

    Why did their mom expect children to be able to go buy milk in the middle of the night?

    Jan 25, 2013 at 5:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   GK_Sutto

      It’s not about BUYING milk, it’s about having enough respect for the person maintaining the household to not consume all of the existing milk. They could have been drinking WATER. Milk is a luxury, and mama deserves to be able to pour some over her cereal in the morning.

      Jan 30, 2013 at 3:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Wait..what?

    My cats get really pissed if someone drinks all the milk. They go into feline PA mode.

    Me not so much. I don’t drink it.

    Jan 25, 2013 at 10:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   The Elf

      “Go into” feline PA mode? That’s called “normal cat” mode. I love my kitties – the whole clowder – but there is not a more passive aggressive animal on God’s Green Earth.

      Jan 25, 2013 at 11:13 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   kermit

      Elf, the existence of this website pretty much negates that.

      I’ve only had the acquaintance of a few cats, and they seemed to always have good reasons when behaving like jerks.

      Jan 27, 2013 at 10:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   The Elf

      Yeah, I must have forgotten where I was posting!

      Jan 28, 2013 at 10:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     

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