“Frankly, I find this a little bit ridiculous,” says our submitter in Ohio, “but then again, I’m not a man.”
related: Urinal Games
A formal declaration of the “Man Rules”
January 30th, 2013 · 136 comments
FILED UNDER: Cincinnati · etiquette · spelling and grammar police · toilet
136 responses so far ↓
#1
NanLT
Looks like someone has some personal issues.
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:50 pm rating: 119
#2
SeeYouInTea
I loathe when a girl will go in the stall right next to me, and there are literally 5 other stalls open. I know it’s stupid, but damn it just feels so awkward to piss next to someone else.
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:51 pm rating: 102
#3
kaellinn18
#1 is absolutely correct and also applies to urinals.
#2 is stupid.
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm rating: 59
#4
Carole
Would the person who submitted this please go back and correct the spelling on the word protocol. With a big pink Sharpie. Maybe a glitter pen.
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm rating: 39
#5
Siobhan
so the middle stall is never to be used?
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:52 pm rating: 28
#6
DawnJ
I find these man rules to be seriously lacking. What do you do if the “buffer zone” stall is the only one open? What if there are three stalls, and the “buffer zone” stall is the only one being used. Is it always against the man rules to use the “buffer zone” stall?
I can’t go on, until I know.
Jan 30, 2013 at 1:54 pm rating: 16
#7
MikkiM
I have this vision of Golum in the bathroom holding his poo and saying “mine, my pretty”…but maybe his “sissue” is something more complicated….
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm rating: 6
#8
debbie hoo
SOMEONE has a shy sphincter
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:04 pm rating: 37
#9
H for Toy
If men are constantly “breeching protocall” maybe none of this is in the Man Rules after all.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:14 pm rating: 19
#10
Julia
I think women rules are different. Or at least my rules. See, I just go into the stall which looks like it’s least likely to give me the nasties.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:16 pm rating: 108
#11
QuarterRoy00
So if I’m following correctly, if a bathroom only has two stalls, I’m to do my bizness in the urinal?
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:18 pm rating: 25
#12
bruce
But feel free to fart in public.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:20 pm rating: 25
#13
Tesstarosa
I usually use the first one — according to research, it’s the least used and therefore more likely to be the cleanest.
But, this is a man with some major anal retention issues. Everyone should just pee on his shoes.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:21 pm rating: 26
#14
Kate
He just wants more room for his wide stance.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:30 pm rating: 21
#15
bah
#1 only applies to urinals. Stalls? Who cares. #2 is just silly and it makes me think the guy who created the flyer is the one with the issues.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:34 pm rating: 19
#16
sunshynegrll
And the note-writer goes on to a thriving career as secretary of a homeowner’s association.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:37 pm rating: 84
#17
Roto13
Real men don’t get shit shy. Real men can shit in front of a goddamn audience.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:40 pm rating: 85
#18
Ashley
Someone please get this guy a copy of Everyone Poops.
Jan 30, 2013 at 2:57 pm rating: 62
#19
Scott C
This guy is ridiculous. Man Code clearly permits use of adjacent stalls if no buffer is available. Especially in the sit-down toilets, where you’ve got a full divider and a door. Things are a little more tense at Urinals, but not really.
MAN CODE SAYS THE FOLLOWING:
1.) If you enter a public restroom that is unoccupied, you go to the stall farthest from the door. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. If the far end of the row is invisible to you because it dips below the curve of the earth’s surface in the distance, YOU CLENCH AND KEEP WALKING.
2.) If the farthest position is occupied, you use the nearest stall to the door. Exception is granted ONLY if the position nearest the door, due to faulty design, is visible from outside the restroom while the door is open. In that case, all stalls in the field of vision may be considered null in all calculations.
3.) If both the farthest and nearest stalls are occupied, you select a stall dead-center between them. If there is an even number of stalls, and thus none in the “middle”, you may employ whatever system you prefer to select one, including choosing to wait until a “neutral” stall is available. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS, NO MATTER WHAT YOU CHOOSE.
4.) This pattern of farthest -> nearest -> center will continue until all stalls are filled. Exceptions are granted where following the pattern would necessitate filling an unoccupied stall adjacent to an occupied one BEFORE filling a stall with buffers intact. Buffers should be preserved at all costs, until no options are available.
5.) Further exception – if a dude is at a urinal or sit-down toilet ON HIS CELLPHONE, you are REQUIRED BY MAN CODE to occupy space next to him. You may then observe if the call is “legit”, a genuine emergency of such magnitude that he had to take it while dropping a log. Use your best judgment. IF THE CALL IS NOT LEGIT, YOU ARE OBLIGATED BY MAN CODE TO BE AS DISGUSTINGLY NOISY AS POSSIBLE.
Jan 30, 2013 at 3:02 pm rating: 90
#20
Kate
So several stalls are never used, sad sad world.
We all need to poop, it isn’t disgusting, we all do it.
Some-one has some serious puerile issues
Jan 30, 2013 at 3:34 pm rating: 10
#21
Don A in Pennsyltucky
And now we know why the key to the executive washroom is such a big perk. You won’t have to share.
Jan 30, 2013 at 3:35 pm rating: 8
#22
V. Red
If there were only three stalls, all unoccupied, I’d use the middle stall…just to screw with everybody.
Jan 30, 2013 at 3:39 pm rating: 17
#23
KevinG
Is Protocall the long lost unkown brother of Protoman?
Jan 30, 2013 at 3:45 pm rating: 6
#24
Nugget
Clearly we need to review the rules of Male Restroom Etiquette: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw
Jan 30, 2013 at 4:01 pm rating: 0
#25
Circus
What a bunch of neurotic sissies. Yeah, like I’m gonna clench and wait just to avoid very mildly and very temporarily inflicting the most insignificant discomfort on some neurotic princess. I’ll use whatever is available and clean, thank you very much. Grow up!
Jan 30, 2013 at 4:11 pm rating: 48
#26
x marks the spot
Clearly the author of this note has never traveled to any heavily populated areas of the world. If you consider this “Mancode” to be true. Go back to your country-side or suburb.
Jan 30, 2013 at 4:22 pm rating: 18
#27
H for Toy
It’s spelling like that that makes me wonder if a Hunger-Games-style Spelling Bee isn’t such a bad idea, after all.
Jan 30, 2013 at 4:28 pm rating: 23
#28
nosleep3
See, I always thought this Man Code only applied to urinals, and the stalls were there in case you found yourself in a situation in which you might violate the urinal buffer zone.
Oddly enough, I also understand that in a restroom with 5-6 urinals, if 1 and 2 are occupied and 5 is occupied, you should choose urinal 3 rather than 4 or 6. Something about 3 dudes stacked together being preferable to pairing off. Sounds like a lot of homophobic nonsense to me, but I suppose men have their reasons…
Jan 30, 2013 at 4:55 pm rating: 7
#29
bitchy the dwarf
he should remove the toilets from the buffer stalls- problem solved!
Jan 30, 2013 at 5:02 pm rating: 10
#30
Joe Blow
I do agree that you should leave a buffer stall if possible. If the adjacent stall is all that is available (or, for instance, there are only two stalls), then it’s perfectly fine to use it…unless you’re one of those people that decides to sit in that stall and then wait for everyone else to leave so *you* can have a little privacy after you’ve already interrupted theirs. If you have time to wait in the stall, then you didn’t have to go bad enough that you couldn’t have just returned a little later..
Jan 30, 2013 at 5:06 pm rating: 10
#31
Eileen
Oh, for God’s sake, Note Writer! Are you afraid that people will discover that you shit? Heaven forbid you be recognized by the public as having the same bodily functions as the rest of us! I’m not even a man, but I feel the sudden urge to follow you into the bathroom and sit in the stall right next to you. And make no noise, to leave you wondering what I’m up to. Just to mess with you.
Jan 30, 2013 at 5:20 pm rating: 45
#32
JohnG
I beg to differ. It’s a game of territory, like go. If all stalls are unoccupied, take the middle and claim all other stalls as ‘captured’. That way, if someone else comes in, at best they can only take half your stalls. If only an end stall is occupied, take the stall adjacent thereby blocking your opponent and capturing the rest of the stalls. Etc.
Jan 30, 2013 at 6:12 pm rating: 41
#33
Sir Puke
The notewriter has serious issues and must be a peach in the office.
Everyone craps, the walls and doors are there – not a big deal.
Unless this is George Costanza: I have always been a stall man!
The discussion about urinals is almost moot. The placement of “privacy dividers” is widespread.
To mess with this whiner I would turn this notice upside down without any comment.
Jan 30, 2013 at 6:14 pm rating: 8
#34
GeekRyuu
Baby, long as you ain’t loudly on your cell in the stall next to me, I don’t particuarly care what you’re doing in there.
If you ARE carrying on a loud call, I will flush. Loudly. And multiple times. While complaining about how one flush just never seems to get it all.
Jan 30, 2013 at 6:41 pm rating: 40
#35
Lil'
Our admin bathroom is intended to be used by one occupant at a time. It’s very small, the door locks,there’s a single sink and one toilet – but for some reason, the toilet is enclosed in a tiny stall. And the stall door pushes into the stall, so you have to lock it while you go.I can’t figure out the logic. Who am I hiding from? I mean, the main door is locked and no one else could fit in there anyway. Maybe there’s a little paranoia behind the design.
Jan 30, 2013 at 6:46 pm rating: 14
#36
RyanH
Whoever made this note is an idiot with insecurity problems. While it’s courteous to try to keep a stall between you, it’s by no means required. Especially in an office building like mine where 90% of the bathrooms only have two sit-down stalls, and in the one with three sit-downs the last one is the handicapped stall.
Jan 30, 2013 at 7:03 pm rating: 14
#37
juju_skittles
Anal retentive on all counts.
Jan 30, 2013 at 7:38 pm rating: 9
#38
Tosswinkle
How did the female submitter get this note in the first place? Did some man hand it to her and tell her to submit it here? Why didn’t he do so himself? Perhaps he was the original note writer, or maybe he needs to ‘man up’?
Anyway, rule #2 is moronic. As if bathroom builders ever say “Let’s build a stall in the middle that some tool can use as a ‘buffer zone’.”
Jan 30, 2013 at 9:48 pm rating: 6
#39
Brian H
First of all, it’s not a MAN code it’s a prissy little b***h code. It’s a restroom for crying out loud and is meant for you to take a poop in. Just be glad you have a stall and running water rather than a hole in the ground in the open.
Jan 30, 2013 at 10:06 pm rating: 18
#40
caveman
hahahaa ezz! fart, laugh, shit, wipe clean, leave ! no problem,..
Jan 30, 2013 at 10:46 pm rating: 0
#41
dc
Code only applies to urinals.
There is only one rule for selecting a stall.
1) Pick the cleanest looking one.
Jan 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm rating: 18
#42
Poltergeist
Guys who have this issue will tell you that it’s about wanting more privacy or w/e, but you eventually realize that, for the majority of these men, it’s more like some kind of bizarre homophobia.
I prefer privacy too, but believe me when I say that nobody wants to sneak a peak at you taking a shit in a public restroom. 99.9% of gay men wouldn’t even want to look at Ricky Martin doing his business, and he almost certainly looks much prettier than you while he does it.
Jan 31, 2013 at 12:18 am rating: 19
#43
TRT
I’d wipe my ass on his note.
Jan 31, 2013 at 4:29 am rating: 4
#44
Brian
All mammals who maintain a constant territory have a built in instinct to hide their feces. In domesticated animals it’s weakened, but you can see it with cats burying their dung, and many dogs making a perfunctory effort to do the same. Humans have it as well, but most of us (even Men) have learned to rise above animal instinct.
Note writer clearly has not. The panic of some potential predator knowing where he craps sends up red flags to him. So he posts idiotic rules, has the audacity to try and legitimize them as some sort of formal “Man’s code” (which I never got to vote on), and acts surprised and offended when others ignore them.
Dude needs to lighten up and not put his problems on everybody else.
Jan 31, 2013 at 9:08 am rating: 5
#45
Lindsey
I completely agree with the poster. There are strict rules and sometimes people need to be reminded!! For example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hrdHzAEa14k
Jan 31, 2013 at 9:24 am rating: 0
#46
splint.chesthair
I follow these rules when applicable but to leave or wait so as not to break the rules is a little absurd. If I need to go, I need to go. I don’t have time to avoid offending your bathroom etiquette.
The old gym I used to go to had a men’s room that consisted of two urinals and an open toilet, like in prison, no privacy walls. I think we should all go back to open toilets, no privacy walls in the bathrooms. If you can poop on an open stall with other people in the room, you can do anything.
Jan 31, 2013 at 10:28 am rating: 5
#47
Brattus Rattus
What I want to know is why do most men seem to want to marinade in the smell of it? I buy spray for the bathrooms here at work (because OMG the green funk that comes out of that door makes me want to puke) and they still don’t use it. Is there some man code against killing the fumes I don’t know about? It’s not like I bought some flower scented girl stuff. Help me understand!
Jan 31, 2013 at 10:32 am rating: 2
#48
H for Toy
We need to ask ourselves: WWRD? (What would Rufus do?)
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:05 am rating: 2
#49
V
Frankly I’d be more creeped out by knowing someone was outside my stall waiting for me to finish pinching a loaf than I would be by someone ignoring the buffer rules and taking the stall directly next to me.
Honestly, who needs that kind of pressure?
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:12 am rating: 16
#50
Fritz-the-Cat
This is just weird… I mean, I don’t actively choose a stall next to an occupied one, because I definitely prefer a bit of distance. But I wouldn’t leave a bathroom just because that distance is not attainable and I don’t expect this stuff from anyone.
If people can’t stand the closeness of toilet-stalls, they should control their bowls and do their business at home.
Seriously…
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:16 am rating: 6
#51
Spooky
I have honestly *never* heard of, or considered, a buffer stall; like most gals, I’m just focused on finding a clean one.
Wonder how many people I’ve weirded out by traipsing into a stall right next to them in an otherwise empty restroom. I’m thinking lots, at off-peak shopping hours in the cavernous latrines at The Mall of America. (hee hee hee!)
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:38 am rating: 9
#52
Vanessa
You know what will fix this guy is a good few months in a country without fancy American toilets. I used to be so uptight about public bathrooms that if I had to drop a deuce at work and someone was in the restroom already, I’d walk to another floor. Then I spent two months in the Middle East sharing one bathroom with nine other students, both male and female. And we couldn’t flush our toilet paper and only had a tiny wastebasket that our landlord emptied infrequently. And then my roommate and I both got dysentery. Also, giant cockroaches.
In all sincerity, that will make you realize that a clean, working toilet is the ONLY criteria that matters.
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:51 am rating: 25
#53
Ray K.
I agree with George Costanza. Why can’t the stalls go down all the way to the floor?
Jan 31, 2013 at 1:27 pm rating: 6
#54
anotherfool
But if I’m an organized crime hit man, I must use the urinal right next to the guy I’m about to shoot so we can exchange Meaningful Looks before I shoot him. Also, next stall is good for dramatic shooting through a wall and watching his body half-fall to the floor. This is what cliche-ridden movies tell me, and they must be right: they’re movies!
Jan 31, 2013 at 7:24 pm rating: 7
#55
Jeanine
Not sure about men…but if the alternating stall has pee on the seat, or hasn’t been flushed, I’m sitting in the clean one next to yours whether you like it or not. And guys..don’t empty your ileostomy bag in the work restroom sink…(we had a guy that did that all the time…even while others stood at the other sink and washed their hands) That seemed to be a bigger guy no-no to hear them complain.
Jan 31, 2013 at 11:05 pm rating: 6
#56
Blaine
IT’S A MONDAY
http://youtu.be/cZO9tMetxno
Feb 1, 2013 at 12:22 am rating: 0
#57
Danielle
This reminds me of the urinal game…
http://www.fugly.com/flash/833/urinal-game.html
Feb 1, 2013 at 10:30 am rating: 0
#58
v
Wow. I had no idea so many people had issues with hearing someone do their business. I must have annoyed a lot of people because I just go into the nearest stall, get it done, and get on with my life.
Feb 1, 2013 at 11:48 am rating: 5
#59
M
It’s sad that some guys are so afraid of being deemed a “fag” that they can’t even go to the bathroom without being plagued by these thoughts.
Feb 1, 2013 at 5:58 pm rating: 5
#60
azul
This guy is a pussy and he’s the one with issues. being surrounded by metal walls and a locked door isn’t enough for you? Why don’t you go somewhere else, you don’t own the bathroom. There’s nothing “manly” about this lame sentiment.
Feb 2, 2013 at 5:10 pm rating: 3
#61
Juniper
How weird. I’ve never even considered that I’m somehow supposed to ‘check’ and look to see what stalls are occupied. I would just use the first one I see that’s open. So… if I’m following the gist of these rules, it would also be equally perverse for someone to use the MIDDLE stall of a three stall bathroom if all others are open?
Feb 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm rating: 1
#62
Megan
So… Why even have a middle stall?
Feb 3, 2013 at 12:23 am rating: 1
#63
Karl
It’s the BM code you guys…
Feb 3, 2013 at 1:07 am rating: 0
#64
VoiceMail
This guy has serious issues… I’m going to say that he’s insecure about his sexuality and/or manhood and is scared to have another man come within three feet of him.
Feb 3, 2013 at 4:12 am rating: 1
#65
Belaani
For Christs’ sake, it’s a PUBLIC toilet! Get over your inner Sheldon Cooper and crap like a man!
Feb 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm rating: 3
#66
redheadwglasses
If no buffer zone exists, the person has to find another bathroom? That’s ridiculous.
Feb 4, 2013 at 11:09 am rating: 1
#67
redheadwglasses
I can’t wait to see the trailer for the movie about this: Ghost Poopie Protocol.
Feb 4, 2013 at 11:21 am rating: 0
#68
ukash
hhhahaha
thanks 
Feb 5, 2013 at 8:07 am rating: 0
#69
Betty in LA
Crapping in a crapper? The nerve of some people!
Feb 5, 2013 at 2:37 pm rating: 0
#70
masterdebator
If you’re not giving a guy already in a stall all the space you can it is creepy.
That being said if two of three stalls are already being used anyone who says the middle stale can’t be used needs to grow up.
Feb 6, 2013 at 1:01 am rating: 1
#71
Seriously
So urinals 1-3-5-7-9 are occupied, and a huge line of guys waiting to piss. I go in, take urinal # 2, and piss, and be on my merry way. I go to a bathroom to do my business and be on my way. I am tired of the ‘mancode’ of the douchebag homophobic losers that need a buffer zone to pee in solitude. Little boys need to grow up.
Feb 10, 2013 at 2:04 pm rating: 3
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