The female of the species

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February 13th, 2013 · 31 comments

All alone this Valentine’s Day? Well…more Cheetos for you!

(Thanks to Brodie in Nova Scotia and redditor ajbollom. May they rest in peace.)

related: That’s just [sic]

FILED UNDER: heart · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · xoxo

31 responses so far ↓

#1 PinkPlaidRibbon

Lol, for the first one, why is Brodie the only one singled out? It looks like 2 other names were there and crossed out (badly). Kelsey needs to buy her own crackers from now on.

Feb 13, 2013 at 1:54 pm rating: 90

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- #1.1 Beadalin
  
  I think the scribbled-out part is actually on the packaging itself — the script is different and the second word looks like “Choice”
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 1:57 pm rating: 90
- #1.2 Jodi
  
  What is scribbled out is the brand name, “President’s Choice.” It’s generic store brand.
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm rating: 90
- #1.3 H for Toy
  
  I thought it was someone else’s names too, but it’s President’s Choice, which is a brand.
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 2:04 pm rating: 90
- #1.4 H for Toy
  
  Or, you know, what Jodi said a minute before I did.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 9:08 am rating: 90
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#2 orogomait

The second one is really funny because on the outside “hey there hot stuff <3" so then you think the note will be very sweet and/or sexy

But then you open it and there's extreme violence threatened over a petty matter.

So there’s actually two levels of cognitive dissonance at once going on here and that makes this note super hilarious.

Feb 13, 2013 at 1:56 pm rating: 90

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- #2.1 sockpuppet
  
  yay, can you explain all jokes to me in detail from now on? Because I usually don’t understand why they’re funny.
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm rating: 90
- #2.2 The Elf
  
  I love that both of these notes have the polite intros (“Dear Brodie” and “Dear Sweet, Sweet AJ”) and the not-even-implied violence of the end (“strangle you in your sleep” and “rip your fucking head off”). It’s the perfect PAN combo. One is even in on sort of pink paper and the other has XOXO! That’s the icing on the PAN cake.
  
  Classic.
  
  (I hope that helps with your understanding, Sockpuppet.)
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 7:33 am rating: 90
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#3 H for Toy

I have to wonder if Kelsey is upset about the obviously opened box to the left, but she didn’t write on that one, because it’s too small to fit all her anger, or if she was so angry about the white cheddar and rosemary crackers, that she failed to notice the other box.

Feb 13, 2013 at 2:20 pm rating: 90

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- #3.1 PA Noter
  
  Probably not anything she eats so she could care less as long as Brodie complies when it is her stuff. My SIL and my brother lived with me and they would be diligent with the stuff they bought but if I bought it, they would leave it open and/or put it back with just the tiniest bits left so they could say they did not finish it. ARRGGHH! I started putting stuff I wanted to save in the veggie drawer way in the back and under the vegetable baggies and stuff never got eaten there-lol
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 2:35 pm rating: 90
- #3.2 Dr_Know
  
  *couldn’t care less
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 3:45 pm rating: 90
- #3.3 JamiSings
  
  In the meantime, I bet Rufus Sewell closes crackers properly so they don’t go stale.
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 11:24 pm rating: 90
- #3.4 The Elf
  
  Mmmmmmhmmm! My imaginary lover does everything perfectly the first time too. That’s why he’s imaginary.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 7:23 am rating: 90
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#4 pooham

E made a bad choice in stationery. One can hardly decipher what is written.

Feb 13, 2013 at 2:27 pm rating: 90

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#5 PA Noter

cognitive dissonance,really? really?!?! Please take your thesaurus and your subscription to ‘Psychology Today’ with you to some Fortune 100 Company and remember… DO NOT to use Comic Sans for memos!

Feb 13, 2013 at 2:29 pm rating: 90

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#6 AP

I had a roommate named Kelsey, and that is exactly the same kind of note she’d write. In the same handwriting.*

Moral of the story: Avoid living with Kelseys.

Feb 13, 2013 at 3:17 pm rating: 90

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- #6.1 SilentPsycho
  
  I had a dog called Brodie. She had to be put down a couple of months ago.
  
  Second moral of the story: Beings named Brodie usually end up dead.
  
  Feb 13, 2013 at 4:05 pm rating: 90
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#7 Silence

Screw the notes. I just want to nom on some cheese crackers!

(With rosemary? Good gods, Canada. Is there anything you -can’t- do?)

Feb 13, 2013 at 4:04 pm rating: 90

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- #7.1 The Elf
  
  Conquer the United States of America.
  
  Since you asked.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 7:33 am rating: 90
- #7.2 TRT
  
  I had cider with rosie once. And tea with mussolini, but that didn’t taste very good at all.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 7:51 am rating: 90
- #7.3 redheadwglasses
  
  THey could conquer us with kindness!
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 12:49 pm rating: 90
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#8 ckk66

These cracked me up since it’s pretty much what I would write or say. Of course, hopefully these two are not that enraged over chips and soda.

Feb 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm rating: 90

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#9 Nahhh

Sprite? That kind of rage over a non-caffeinated soda? Sheesh.

Feb 13, 2013 at 10:39 pm rating: 90

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- #9.1 redheadwglasses
  
  Not “soda.” “Mixer.” Big difference. ; )
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 12:50 pm rating: 90
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#10 RyanH

White cheddar and rosemary crackers?! Holy crap, I’ve got to get myself to Canada!

Feb 14, 2013 at 7:04 am rating: 90

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#11 The Elf

At one point, I thought that office breakrooms were the biggest font of passive-aggressiveness, between the fridge, the microwave, the coffee maker and Mongolia Hats for potluck. Then I thought it was parking lots and road-rage filled drivers. Now I realize they have nothing – nothing! – on roommates.

Is every roommate situation doomed to end in a flurry of PANs?

Feb 14, 2013 at 7:29 am rating: 90

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- #11.1 H for Toy
  
  My roommate situation ended in a flurry of screaming matches and slammed doors, much like the end of my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I still talk to both of them, occasionally. Maybe we should have used PANs.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 9:06 am rating: 90
- #11.2 Tom
  
  Roommates are pretty much the worst thing, because they’re people and do things their own way (not your way). If roughly half the married people in the usa can’t keep themselves from divorce and moving out, then how can we expect roommates to do any better?
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm rating: 90
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#12 Val

I once had a roommate who was absolutely convinced that I was eating all of her food (wasn’t me, it was her adult son). Knowing my deadly allergy to raspberries, she started lacing everything she could with them to keep me out of her food. Since I was never in it in the first place, I found it both hilarious and a little terrifying.

Feb 14, 2013 at 8:36 am rating: 90

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#13 Joe Blow

Eh. Nothing but standard issue attempts at “edgy” humor.

Feb 14, 2013 at 9:40 am rating: 90

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- #13.1 H for Toy
  
  Gigglebrax fail. This comment belongs under #9.
  
  Feb 14, 2013 at 12:57 pm rating: 90
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