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The female of the species

February 13th, 2013 · 31 comments

All alone this Valentine’s Day? Well…more Cheetos for you!

Dear Brodie, If you forget to put an elastic band or bag clip on the crackers again, I will strangle you in your sleep. Love, Kelsey xoxo


Dear sweet sweet AJ, Drink all of my Sprite again and I'll rip your f*cking head off. xoxo, E

(Thanks to Brodie in Nova Scotia and redditor ajbollom. May they rest in peace.)

related: That’s just [sic]

FILED UNDER: heart · not-so-veiled threats · signed with love · xoxo

31 responses so far ↓

  • #1   PinkPlaidRibbon

    Lol, for the first one, why is Brodie the only one singled out? It looks like 2 other names were there and crossed out (badly). Kelsey needs to buy her own crackers from now on.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 1:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Beadalin

      I think the scribbled-out part is actually on the packaging itself — the script is different and the second word looks like “Choice”

      Feb 13, 2013 at 1:57 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Jodi

      What is scribbled out is the brand name, “President’s Choice.” It’s generic store brand.

      Feb 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   H for Toy

      I thought it was someone else’s names too, but it’s President’s Choice, which is a brand.

      Feb 13, 2013 at 2:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   H for Toy

      Or, you know, what Jodi said a minute before I did.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 9:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #2   orogomait

    The second one is really funny because on the outside “hey there hot stuff <3" so then you think the note will be very sweet and/or sexy

    But then you open it and there's extreme violence threatened over a petty matter.

    So there’s actually two levels of cognitive dissonance at once going on here and that makes this note super hilarious.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 1:56 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   sockpuppet

      yay, can you explain all jokes to me in detail from now on? Because I usually don’t understand why they’re funny.

      Feb 13, 2013 at 2:03 pm   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   The Elf

      I love that both of these notes have the polite intros (“Dear Brodie” and “Dear Sweet, Sweet AJ”) and the not-even-implied violence of the end (“strangle you in your sleep” and “rip your fucking head off”). It’s the perfect PAN combo. One is even in on sort of pink paper and the other has XOXO! That’s the icing on the PAN cake.


      (I hope that helps with your understanding, Sockpuppet.)

      Feb 14, 2013 at 7:33 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #3   H for Toy

    I have to wonder if Kelsey is upset about the obviously opened box to the left, but she didn’t write on that one, because it’s too small to fit all her anger, or if she was so angry about the white cheddar and rosemary crackers, that she failed to notice the other box.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 2:20 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   PA Noter

      Probably not anything she eats so she could care less as long as Brodie complies when it is her stuff. My SIL and my brother lived with me and they would be diligent with the stuff they bought but if I bought it, they would leave it open and/or put it back with just the tiniest bits left so they could say they did not finish it. ARRGGHH! I started putting stuff I wanted to save in the veggie drawer way in the back and under the vegetable baggies and stuff never got eaten there-lol

      Feb 13, 2013 at 2:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Dr_Know

      *couldn’t care less

      Feb 13, 2013 at 3:45 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   JamiSings bang

      In the meantime, I bet Rufus Sewell closes crackers properly so they don’t go stale.

      Feb 13, 2013 at 11:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #3.4   The Elf

      Mmmmmmhmmm! My imaginary lover does everything perfectly the first time too. That’s why he’s imaginary.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 7:23 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #4   pooham

    E made a bad choice in stationery. One can hardly decipher what is written.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 2:27 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #5   PA Noter

    cognitive dissonance,really? really?!?! Please take your thesaurus and your subscription to ‘Psychology Today’ with you to some Fortune 100 Company and remember… DO NOT to use Comic Sans for memos!

    Feb 13, 2013 at 2:29 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #6   AP

    I had a roommate named Kelsey, and that is exactly the same kind of note she’d write. In the same handwriting.*

    Moral of the story: Avoid living with Kelseys.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 3:17 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   SilentPsycho

      I had a dog called Brodie. She had to be put down a couple of months ago.

      Second moral of the story: Beings named Brodie usually end up dead.

      Feb 13, 2013 at 4:05 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

  • #7   Silence

    Screw the notes. I just want to nom on some cheese crackers!

    (With rosemary? Good gods, Canada. Is there anything you -can’t- do?)

    Feb 13, 2013 at 4:04 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   The Elf

      Conquer the United States of America.

      Since you asked.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 7:33 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #7.2   TRT

      I had cider with rosie once. And tea with mussolini, but that didn’t taste very good at all.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 7:51 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #7.3   redheadwglasses

      THey could conquer us with kindness!

      Feb 14, 2013 at 12:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #8   ckk66

    These cracked me up since it’s pretty much what I would write or say. Of course, hopefully these two are not that enraged over chips and soda.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 5:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #9   Nahhh bang

    Sprite? That kind of rage over a non-caffeinated soda? Sheesh.

    Feb 13, 2013 at 10:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   redheadwglasses

      Not “soda.” “Mixer.” Big difference. ; )

      Feb 14, 2013 at 12:50 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #10   RyanH

    White cheddar and rosemary crackers?! Holy crap, I’ve got to get myself to Canada!

    Feb 14, 2013 at 7:04 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #11   The Elf

    At one point, I thought that office breakrooms were the biggest font of passive-aggressiveness, between the fridge, the microwave, the coffee maker and Mongolia Hats for potluck. Then I thought it was parking lots and road-rage filled drivers. Now I realize they have nothing – nothing! – on roommates.

    Is every roommate situation doomed to end in a flurry of PANs?

    Feb 14, 2013 at 7:29 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   H for Toy

      My roommate situation ended in a flurry of screaming matches and slammed doors, much like the end of my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I still talk to both of them, occasionally. Maybe we should have used PANs.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 9:06 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Tom

      Roommates are pretty much the worst thing, because they’re people and do things their own way (not your way). If roughly half the married people in the usa can’t keep themselves from divorce and moving out, then how can we expect roommates to do any better?

      Feb 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #12   Val

    I once had a roommate who was absolutely convinced that I was eating all of her food (wasn’t me, it was her adult son). Knowing my deadly allergy to raspberries, she started lacing everything she could with them to keep me out of her food. Since I was never in it in the first place, I found it both hilarious and a little terrifying.

    Feb 14, 2013 at 8:36 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #13   Joe Blow

    Eh. Nothing but standard issue attempts at “edgy” humor.

    Feb 14, 2013 at 9:40 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   H for Toy

      Gigglebrax fail. This comment belongs under #9.

      Feb 14, 2013 at 12:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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