There’s the New York approach:
And then there’s the Chicago approach:
related: Carnivore? Keep being awesome!
FILED UNDER: door-slamming · neighbors
What about us window slammers? Don’t we get any love?
Mar 7, 2013 at 12:44 pm rating: 15
Once, a neighbor in the apartment building across the street was playing his bagpipes out the window. It sounded really cool so I went to open the window more but it slipped (huge 6-foot window) and slammed shut noisily. I still feel bad about it, does he think his neighbors were slamming their windows shut against his playing?
Mar 7, 2013 at 7:29 pm rating: 11
He’s a bagpiper, he’s used to it.
Mar 8, 2013 at 6:44 am rating: 28
I lived with two slammers in college and my ‘approach’ was to post a sign on the door that read, “Don’t slam the door on your way out. –Queensryche”
Oddly, it worked.
Mar 7, 2013 at 1:03 pm rating: 14
A sharpened pencil inserted into the keyhole and then broken off is a nice accompaniment to a note like this; just sayin it turns up the dial on the aggressive a notch…
Mar 7, 2013 at 1:17 pm rating: 4
Some people are simply unaware of the noises they make or the strength they use. My Dad is a big guy and I cringe when he closes my car door. It’s always a big slam. And when he gives a hug and pats my back it’s more like a slap slap slap.
Mar 7, 2013 at 1:30 pm rating: 12
You say, “simply unaware” I say, “inconsiderate”. Poh-tay-toh, po-ta-toh. Being aware of your own actions will also often result in less tripping, dropping, breaking, knocking, crushing, or otherwise various acts of clumsiness or destruction. It’s good for you and everyone around you!
Mar 7, 2013 at 2:33 pm rating: 23
So, when you sound like a jerk, jj, it’s because you’re inconsiderate rather than unaware of it. A lot of people struggle with body identity for various reasons. I personally really struggle with this, as sometimes I just can’t feel my own body shape, so some days I feel taller than I normally do, and other days I feel shorter and end up whacking myself on a beam or something. Do you really think I like breaking stuff, or tripping over my feet because I don’t realise exactly where I’ve put them, or walking into door frames?
Mar 7, 2013 at 4:03 pm rating: 14
I drive an SUV, which means using a bit of effort when closing the door, so when I use that same effort on my husband’s little car, he gets quite irritated.
Mar 7, 2013 at 11:36 pm rating: 2
Yes, I agree that I sound like a jerk, but I feel slightly mollified by the fact that I once had a serial tripper destroy my laptop by tripping over the power cord (while also being somewhere she shouldn’t have been).
Anyway, I am interested in your condition of feeling too tall or short. I’ve never heard of anything like it. Please pass the condition’s name along so I can read about it.
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:34 am rating: 3
It’s more a symptom rather than an actual condition. It could be related to my ADHD, or due to some undiagnosed problem, or just something that’s a part of me. Generally, people tend to feel their own bodies in different ways, which is what I referred to when I called it ‘body identity’. For me, I can feel my feet, my knees, my chest, and my upper arms better than the rest of me when I’m walking along. Everything else just isn’t there, hence why when I walk past something I don’t think about it until I whack my thigh against it.
As for the taller/shorter feelings, occasionally I’ll find myself walking to work wondering why I just feel taller or shorter. I’ll feel slightly light-headed, or just feel stretched. At other times, I feel shorter and don’t even think about going through a low door frame, only to hit the top of my actual 5’7″ body on the frame.
I’ve come across this sort of symptom in reference to autism and dyspraxia, as well as a few others, but it may just be a general problem that varies from person to person. I had to have physiotherapy as a child due to physical problems, such as having trouble running, catching a ball, co-ordination skills, etc, so it may be related to that. When I was about 23, I played Wii Sports to test my reactions. According to the results, I have the same reactions as a 76-year-old.
Mar 10, 2013 at 3:44 am rating: 3
I remember reading about something similar to what Silent is talking about, it was called ‘Alice in Wonderland syndrome’ and you can find it on wiki, jj.
Also, I agree with ph, that some people are much less self-aware than others and don’t do things deliberately (that makes ‘ocd’ people extremely pa).
Mar 10, 2013 at 8:06 pm rating: 1
Silent, that’s very interesting. I often bang my shoulder or hip in doorways or on desks, like I don’t know how much room my own body takes up. I have been the same height for about 24 years and have lived in my house for 13, so why does the width of the doorway or height of the desk continue to surprise me? Lol.
My son (5yo) has mild cerebral palsy, and the therapists have talked off & on about a visual-spatial deficit. Things have improved, but it’s like sometimes he doesn’t know where his body is in space. We play some kinetic games on the PS3 with him, and boy is it eye-opening. His scores are pretty bad, but of course that’s not why we do it. He plays along, and he tries hard, and that’s what’s important.
Mar 11, 2013 at 9:05 am rating: 2
I just call it “being a klutz”. I’m a serial tripper, toe-stubber, etc. Doorways surprise me, too. I don’t think this is some sort of disorder as much as a lower gross motor control / spatial awareness than most, combined with a tendency to be lost in thought. Some people are naturally athletic. Some people aren’t.
Mar 11, 2013 at 11:31 am rating: 2
My kids inherited my non-athleticism, for sure. I doubt they will be following in their dad’s athletic scholarship footsteps!
Elf, I wonder about the klutz thing. My son’s CP is so mild that he probably wouldn’t have been diagnosed in the past. Thing is, he was 2 months early, and he had a head MRI in the NICU, which showed bilateral brain damage. He was able to start PT and OT as a baby (yup, they do it that early), and I am sure that has a lot to do with how well he functions now. In the past, he would simply have been considered klutzy and unathletic. I wonder how many other kids out there could have a similar but undiagnosed problem.
Mar 11, 2013 at 4:35 pm rating: 2
For every quality (intelligence, athleticism, singing ability, whatever), there are average performers, above average performers, and below average performers. That’s how you get an average. Somebody’s got to be behind the bell curve.
When it gets to the point of abnormality, that’s where I’d start to look for disorders. Most klutzes are just below average, not abnormal. It wouldn’t surprise me if there were a bunch of undiagnosed disordered kids out there. But it would surprise me more if you could put a medical label on them all.
Mar 11, 2013 at 6:33 pm rating: 2
I think they should have beer and pretzels in Chicago — more people will show up.
Mar 7, 2013 at 2:15 pm rating: 5
Uninspired Required Name
While the “Quiet Club” sounds lame, I agree with them. Everyone in this building slams their doors when they go in and out and it shakes the walls in this cheap craphole every time. It would be nice if they would think about it and realize that not everyone wants to know every time they enter/exit their apartment.
Mar 7, 2013 at 2:39 pm rating: 15
The support group sounds like a trap!
Mar 7, 2013 at 2:55 pm rating: 32
I thought the same thing! I pictured a peeved few waiting with stern words and maybe even a baseball bat for effect.
Mar 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm rating: 13
I pictured an empty basement, the wanna-be support group members looking around puzzled as the one door closes softly and locks with a quiet click…
Mar 8, 2013 at 12:10 am rating: 24
Yes ,hospital treatment as a bonus on joining.
Mar 8, 2013 at 9:38 am rating: 1
Hadn’t had my morning coffee when I first read the 2 notes, so my first impression was that note 2 was a sarcastic response to note 1.
I’ve had my coffee now…..
Mar 8, 2013 at 6:15 pm rating: 4
But, but, but, *donuts*!
Mar 13, 2013 at 1:31 pm rating: 0
@Wright1, you mean the basement door wouldn’t be SLAMMED shut?…
Mar 13, 2013 at 6:40 pm rating: 0
A closer or a slammer? Those are my only two options? Eff that – I say be a a hinge-disassembler. If you piss me off I’ll use power tools at 10pm to do it.
Mar 7, 2013 at 3:18 pm rating: 32
I slam my girlfriends back door.
Mar 7, 2013 at 3:35 pm rating: 11
Don’t brag – she may think of you as more of a closer than a slammer.
Mar 8, 2013 at 8:38 am rating: 22
or even a nudger
Mar 11, 2013 at 9:06 am rating: 5
I assume people aren’t actually slamming the door, they’re just letting it close on its own. Which, if you live in an apartment-type setting, is still inconsiderate and annoying to your neighbors. But I doubt they’re actively shutting the door really hard on their own..
Mar 7, 2013 at 3:50 pm rating: 9
Coffee is for closers. Sanka is for slammers.
Mar 7, 2013 at 4:24 pm rating: 12
H for Toy
shwo! you’re back
Mar 7, 2013 at 5:20 pm rating: 7
Aw, ya missed me! New job and family dramas have really been cutting into my snarky commenting time.
Mar 7, 2013 at 7:52 pm rating: 4
H for Toy
Well, I hope the family becomes less dramatic, the new job goes well, and you can keep snarking with us on a regular basis.
Mar 7, 2013 at 9:16 pm rating: 9
I assume the Quiet Club members also belong to the Beat a Dead Horse Society because they reference the door slamming like five times.
Jetboy- a member of the I Get it Already club
Mar 7, 2013 at 4:37 pm rating: 14
The doors in my apartment complex are all spring-loaded, so not only do they all slam on their own if the tenants don’t stop them, they also all squeak because of the springs. Very LOUD… What can you do, though – such is apartment life.
Mar 7, 2013 at 6:28 pm rating: 4
An ex-roomate of mine had a boyfriend who, apparently, lived in a very similar type of apartment complex, because when he stayed the night, I would always come home to an apartment door that was partially open. I talked to him about it several times, and his response was always something along the lines of, “Sorry. Mine closes all the way on its own.”
I never asked him if it also locked itself on its own because, as with most really good comebacks, I only thought of it after the fact.
Mar 8, 2013 at 3:09 am rating: 7
Turn backward turn backward
O, time in your flight!
I just thought of a wisecrack
I needed last night.
Mar 8, 2013 at 9:14 am rating: 15
I guess I forget how nice the simpler things in life sometimes are in my corner of the world…the doors of our house don’t bother me nearly as much as the garage door opener’s grinding! LOL If any of u need to escape the door slamming, you are welcome to come here, pretzels and beer and coffee and doughnuts included! Otherwise, my wife will be sure to NOT slam our hotel doors in NYC in June! Enjoy the day…
Mar 7, 2013 at 7:34 pm rating: 1
Gee, I wonder why the meetings in Chicago are held in the basement instead of out in back?
Mar 8, 2013 at 12:09 am rating: 3
Worst of all are the Alabama slammers. Most times they claim no memory of the incident.
Mar 8, 2013 at 12:12 am rating: 6
So, we have…
“The Slammers”: People who for some odd reason don’t know their own strength or could be hearing impaired.
“The Bangers”: Usually associated with screen doors with springs which produce the distinctive “Double Bang”.
Lastly, we have…
“The Control Freaks”: Who write snide notes to the other two groups.
Mar 8, 2013 at 12:33 am rating: 7
Still happy to see you back!
Mar 8, 2013 at 6:53 am rating: 1
No, the double bang is something entirely different. Might be pretty noisy, though.
Mar 8, 2013 at 11:38 am rating: 2
Are we absolutely sure that the second note is about closing doors?
Mar 8, 2013 at 6:20 am rating: 10
This made me snort, and on a second read they are rather ambiguous.
Mar 8, 2013 at 8:13 am rating: 6
Oh thank god someone else thought that too….
Mar 8, 2013 at 6:17 pm rating: 3
I think the NY note is too twee. If I put a note up, it’d be more on the Chicago lines, and would add that door-closing lessons would be included, free of charge.
All the tenants upstairs in my block slam their doors hard enough to shake the walls. Which is annoying, because they just don’t have to.
All the flats have the same doors. If you close them while the key is in and the deadbolt retracted, there’s no slamming required. Easy.
If, on the other hand, you want to be an ass about it, you can slam the door really hard to force it shut while the deadbolt is extended. It takes some effort (often more than one try), it’s fecking LOUD, and it’ll eventually break the lock or the frame.
Conclusion: my neighbours are asses. Who are too stupid to know how a door works.
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:03 am rating: 6
H for Toy
Too twee indeed. It reminds me of parents who ask their kids to join the Make Your Bed Club, or play the Quiet and Still Game.
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:39 am rating: 3
Or here’s a thought, building/property owners/landlords can just install those devices which slowly close the door on their own after the door is let go. My old apartment complex had them, we never had a problem with this kind of thing.
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:03 am rating: 2
H for Toy
But, as we’ve all learned from hanging out here, you’ll probably get more results from a snarky PAN posted in the hallway, than from any request for the landlord to spend money.
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:30 am rating: 4
The doors in my building slam themselves shut. They’re heavy so with enough of a backdraft and hands full of whatever, it’s gonna get slammed – sorry!
Mar 8, 2013 at 10:40 am rating: 1
This LW annoys me. In my condo, the unit entry doors were set to shut automatically, and if you had a window open, the door could slam shut on me — and if my arms/hands were full (like with laundry or groceries), it slammed shut.
If it was early in the morning or late at night, I made an effort to stick my foot in there to catch the door (Or to keep a cat from darting out into the hallway), but otherwise, geez, noise is part of communal/apartment living. People let the main building doors slam shut all the time (they were very heavy), and the people who lived right next to those doors had to deal with it.
Mar 8, 2013 at 11:51 am rating: 2
Actually I’ve never experienced the problem with slamming doors in the apartments I’ve lived in – of course we didn’t have doors that were rigged to close on their own either.
No, my thing is people slamming doors in my house. It isn’t usually a problem because my mother basically had everyone trained to shut doors softly. I was even trained by her when I was a teenager to OPEN doors softly. So now I find it jarring when anyone wrenches the doorknobs too hard. And I was also taught to walk softly because my grandparent’s house had a crawlspace underneath it so if you walk too heavily it echos – something we don’t have where I live because the houses are built directly on the concrete slabs. As a result I now have ninja-like powers of sneaking.
Mar 8, 2013 at 12:25 pm rating: 5
Was the writer of the “Quiet Club” note a pre-school teacher?
At least “Door Slammers Anonymous” offers a little bit of amusement. Not much, but a little.
Mar 8, 2013 at 3:44 pm rating: 0
I wonder what happens if you show up in the basement at 8pm on a Monday night? Is someone there waiting to jump you?
This sounds like a sting to me.
Mar 8, 2013 at 8:10 pm rating: 1
With our neighbors, when they slam their door-it shakes our apartment (and once it shook a picture off the wall, that is how hard they slammed it) so I do feel for the note poster (and not the slammers)
Mar 11, 2013 at 4:16 am rating: 1
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?