Entries from March 2013

Shoveling and sniveling

March 24th, 2013 · 74 Comments

Spring is here! (Maine, unfortunately, didn’t get the memo.)

Dear Neighbor Who Left Me A Note: Thank you for inviting me to shoveling class! However, I am pretty busy with work already, and I fairly experienced in shoveling arts already, so I don't require any additional training. In fact, I'm so experienced that I've discovered I really don't like shoveling out my car, which is why I bought a Subaru. You should check them out; they are really great in the snow. In the winter I can just pull out of my spot and brush off the snow. Luckily for us, the plow guy does the rest of the parking lot (and the steps!), so my need to shovel is pretty much zero, although I do usually shovel all of our mailboxes out whenever my former roommate didn't. I wish you well in your shovel studies though, and maybe they'll let you shovel the mailboxes for extra credit! Sincerely, Adam P.S. - If I have misinterpreted your note of 'Let's learn how to shovel,' please let me know. I would come talk with you, but unfortunately you failed to sign your note.

related: Snow shoveling etiquette

Tags: Maine · p.s. · snow · TL;DR

A declaration of independence

March 20th, 2013 · 116 Comments

Writes Kate in Georgia: “My niece, Emily, has to be the most adorable revolutionary in existence. Last week she self-published her manifesto. There are actually six pages of demands, each printed on butterfly stationery. (We assume the butterfly symbolizes her freedom from authority.)”

Emily declares her freedom...from getting in trouble

related: See you never again in my life!

Tags: Georgia · kids · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2013

Don’t mess with WeHo

March 19th, 2013 · 34 Comments

Writes Matt in West Hollywood: “Apparently a certain ‘Alex’ in our neighborhood has been downing protein smoothies and then discarding the cups on the street.” Not cool, man. Not cool.

ALEX! What's wrong there, Mr. Muscle? Cup too heavy for you? How about you start using TRASH CANS for your TRASH? (P.S. - You are on candid camera big boy)

related: The City of Brotherly Littering

Tags: California · littering · p.s.

Take the plunge. We dare you.

March 18th, 2013 · 47 Comments

Apparently the patrons of this restaurant in Durham, NC thought that the ‘Out of Order’ sign on the bathroom stall was just a hilarious ruse.

Out of Order. Not kinda out of order but "out-out"-like for real. The toilet WILL overflow & will become known as "that time someone didn't heed the sign & used the toilet anyway & their stuff went everywhere.  + someone here will have to clean it + throw up in their mouth — avoid this please.

A close-up of the lower right corner:

+ someone here will have to clean it + throw up in their mouth — avoid this please.

related: Is this a toilet?

Tags: actually totally reasonable · North Carolina · restaurant · toilet

Tired (and now sexually frustrated)

March 18th, 2013 · 92 Comments

Jessica in Portland, Oregon was on her way home when she saw this note taped to her neighbors’ door. “I’m best friends with the guys this was addressed to,” she says, “and they actually are very loud when they get down to business. It doesn’t usually bother me because I work night shifts, but obviously it is wearing down the woman downstairs.”

Dear guys from 3D! :) I am the always dreaded downstairs neighbor. As much as I'm happy that you boys have a flourishing relationship...wait...that sounds stalkerish. I meant, I can only assume you have a flourishing relationship due to the fact that you shag. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Now I'm not saying to because you're a gay couple. I wouldn't care if you were flying, purple unicorn dinosaurs. In fact, I'm a huge gay rights supporter. But seriously, EVERY NIGHT?! It's awesome you have a healthy sex life but I don't want to hear it. I'm tired at the end of the night/day (I work irregular hours, you see) & being woken up by or coming home to what seems to be a torture session by the screaming and begging, is not my idea of refreshing. Don't stop by any means, but please quiet down, please? Besides that, you are delightful upstairs neighbors and seem awesome if your music is anything to go by! :) Sincerely - Tired (and now sexually frustrated)

(The “happy ending”: Jessica says her friends sent a note back saying they would try to be more considerate.)

related: WE CAN SEE YOU

Tags: most popular notes of 2013 · neighbors · painfully polite · Portland · sex sex sex · smiley

Get Rich or Die Tryin’

March 14th, 2013 · 49 Comments

Ashley spotted this notice in the community room at her grandma’s senior living community in Minnesota. Says Ashley: “Apparently acting like a grown up is still hard when you’re over 80.”

Concerning Bingo Days: Many of you have come into my office complaining about each other from people yelling or giving orders or how many cards you should be able to have or coming in late! I will address the yelling and being disrespectful first. Everyone here is adults. There should be no reason why you can't be respectful to each other. Please try and refrain from opening your mouth and making it miserable for the people that are down here playing for fun and enjoyment! Next how many cards can I have? Well that's easy too. You can have as many that you can handle without infringing on your fellow players. So that means if you can't keep up and have to keep asking them to repeat the number then guess what? you have too many cards. Or if you take too many that there are not enough for everyone than guess what? You have too many cards. And third but not least please respect your fellow players and try to be down stairs and in your seat by 1:30. Remember Bingo is fun not to try and get rich or cut throat your neighbor. It's to get out of your apartment and see your neighbor and visit and enjoy the game. Enough said! Try acting like grown ups and set an example for each other. Thank you. Manager

related: The Rules for Strip Bingo

Tags: Minnesota · most popular notes of 2013 · old folks · spelling and grammar police · that's disrespectful

Anarchy in the Pre-K

March 13th, 2013 · 101 Comments

Our submitter in Washington, D.C. says that a parent recently sent this e-mail to her daughter’s preschool teacher…and cc’d it to the parents of every kid in the class. “Clearly, she thinks her kids are getting screwed out of their God-given right to show-and-tell,” our submitter marvels. “I wouldn’t want to mess with this woman come college application time!”

I have a question about show & tell. How many items are the children supposed to bring? It was always my understanding that each child brought one thing to

related: Pre-K parent public shaming

Tags: D.C. · Moms & Dads · schools & teachers

Your cleanliness offends me!

March 12th, 2013 · 84 Comments

“When my downstairs neighbour first moved in, I thought we would be friends,” says our submitter in Montreal. “We go to the same school, we’re around the same age, and we both love pets. (I have a cat and a dog, she has four cats.)” And yes, she says, “Every day — after 10 a.m., before 8 p.m. — I vacuum my house. She can have fun with all her cat-hair dust bunnies — I’ll stick to my cleaning schedule, thanks!”

It is absolutely necessary for you to vacuum every fucking day!!!! Seriously are you such a filthy dirtbag that you make such a mess every day??? I've been listening to you vacuum for months. GIVE IT A REST! HAVE SOME COMMON DECENCY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOURS!!!

Like our submitter in Montreal, I’ll admit that, as the owner of a dog who sheds quite a bit, I also vacuum pretty much every day. So if that makes me a “FILTHY DIRTBAG,” I guess I prefer that to becoming like “Dirty Lady #2.

related: I’m dirty and I love it

Tags: bold-underlined-caps · cleaning · Montreal · noise

Well, that was a missed opportunity.

March 11th, 2013 · 18 Comments

Forget Tupperware parties — who could resist a Nasty Crap Container™?

This refrigerator will be cleaned out on Friday March 8th Please take the time to remove your items prior to the 8th. I will have an ice chest to put your lunch bags in. On Monday March 11th I will have a food container sale. Please visit my web page www.nastycrapcontainers.com

related: Don’t be such a miserable sod

extra credit: Fred and Friends “Bug Bags” Lunch Bags

Tags: office fridge · Seattle

Hashtag: stripper problems?

March 10th, 2013 · 34 Comments

Turns out there is something you can catch from a public toilet seat: orange. (As spotted by Sharna in the ladies’ room of a Sydney strip club…)

Attention ladies!!! If you choose to wear fake tan please clean it off the toilet seat when you are finished!! Those of us who don't wear it do not want to wear yours! The sanitary bins are provided for you to put your used items in the bin not on top!!! Please keep it clean ladies!!!! Thank you :)

related: Can you a spare a square?

extra credit: Can you catch germs from a public toilet seat? [everydayhealth.com]

Tags: Sydney · toilet