Just to watch him die

May 1st, 2013 · 72 comments

Nicole used to live in Reno, Nevada. Unless you’ve lived there, Nicole says, “then you can’t fully understand what a straaaange place it is, but this note might help.” She found it about four years ago in personals section of the Pennysaver. Four years later, Nicole says, “I still feel a joyous bewilderment upon reading it. I can’t wait to show it to my grandkids some day.”

ATTENTION: ALL CASINO WORKERS AND SHOW PEOPLE! Message from Teddy Williams. What kind of a

related: You’re toast, Melba.

FILED UNDER: crazypants · exclamation-point happy!!!! · most popular notes of 2013 · Nevada · newspaper · TL;DR · WTF?


72 responses so far ↓

  • #1   kmb

    If this guy had his own column, I would read it every week.

    May 1, 2013 at 12:28 am   rating: 98  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   JK

      What kind of “MULE” reads this man’s column every week instead of going to him personally?

      May 1, 2013 at 1:04 am   rating: 107  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Beegood

      His first column: Damn Gypsies

      May 1, 2013 at 9:07 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Tesselara

      Personally, I want to meet the MULE. To ask for this range of services from gypsies, and with such specificity is a sign of a MULE who knows what he wants, and isn’t afraid to try new things to attain it.

      May 1, 2013 at 10:54 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   arsenicsauce

      What? Jeez, I couldn’t even get through this one.

      May 1, 2013 at 11:07 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Snicklefritz

      Obviously this person didn’t have to pay by the word for this lovely diatribe. Holy cow, I needed a trail of breadcrumbs to get through this one.

      May 1, 2013 at 11:30 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   The Elf

      He probably did pay by the word. Teddy has lots of extra money since he cut out visits to fortune-tellers.

      May 2, 2013 at 10:07 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Mishee

    Apparently Andy’s brother is just pissed because the casinos won’t let HIM sing.

    May 1, 2013 at 12:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   shawn

    I was in a constant state of WTF while reading this!

    May 1, 2013 at 1:04 am   rating: 72  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   redheadwglasses

      Your post made me laugh out loud. You captured my reaction perfectly.

      May 1, 2013 at 11:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   billie

    best. ever.

    May 1, 2013 at 1:17 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   scott

    wwwwwwwwwhat?
    I’m fluent in the English language but I struggled to comprehend what I was reading for a few minutes there.

    May 1, 2013 at 2:32 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   FeRD bang

      Oh, believe me… English proficiency only works against you, in sifting through that steaming pile of crazy.

      May 2, 2013 at 11:21 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Henry

    I’m more interested in a getting a massage from Fernley, can you submit the cropped portion of the ad? I have a feeling Fernley will not require a Gypsy spell for sex (with a lowercase ‘s’).

    May 1, 2013 at 2:42 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   dragon bang

      Fernley is a small town east of Reno, so you are probably right. No sex spells.

      May 1, 2013 at 7:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Rene

    I…

    May 1, 2013 at 4:49 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   NealP

    Krazy with a Kapital K!

    May 1, 2013 at 5:25 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Rain

    It took me a minute to figure out that “MULE” is his way of getting around the newspaper censoring “jackass”. That’s about the only part of this that makes sense.

    May 1, 2013 at 7:23 am   rating: 82  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   redheadwglasses

      Thank you! I kept thinking “Does he not know what a drug mule is?”

      May 1, 2013 at 12:10 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Kupo

      Oh! The way he had it in all caps I kept thinking of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M.U.L.E.

      May 1, 2013 at 10:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   kbee

      Thank you! I too was wondering what this guy had against mules.

      May 2, 2013 at 5:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   The Elf

      They are stubborn asses.

      May 3, 2013 at 7:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Lil'

    How does he even know this happened? Did the gypsy fortune teller violate the code of ethics and discuss her client’s confidential information? What is this world coming too when a girl can’t go to a gypsy to snag a 62-year-old man for sex, marriage and tournament games without it making the paper??!!

    May 1, 2013 at 8:02 am   rating: 92  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Amy in Toronto

      Now I’m fascinated by the possibility that gypsy fortune tellers have a professional association and a code of conduct.

      May 1, 2013 at 9:24 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   The Elf

    I think the thing that fascinates me the most is that it repeats. Why does it repeat!? Answer, directly or indirectly, you stupid mule!

    May 1, 2013 at 8:10 am   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Ermengarde bang

      Rhetorical device. After repeated readings, I think Teddy’s Crazypants is remarkably good. Solid sentence structure despite the splashy punctuation at the ends– quite complex sentences really, and no visible typos except for the “or and” for “and/or”, which he does use correctly later. The addition of several paragraph breaks would have made it work much better, and he seems to know this as he adds his own formatting ** to set off his argument.

      He presents his thesis in the form of a Question, then leads us below the fold with the promise of an Answer. After presenting his supporting statements, he repeats the opening Question and reveals the Answer.

      Teddy is a very interesting person. I wish to subscribe to his newsletter.

      May 1, 2013 at 10:50 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   oi

      This was pure awesomeness. I dunoo why people think his grammar is bad. Sure he doesn’t write with one thought per sentence but that’s hardly a crime.

      May 2, 2013 at 9:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   FeRD bang

      ^ Either that, or he paid for so many column-inches, and damned if he wasn’t gonna use every last one consarnit! (Probably pissed that there was still half a line’s worth of room left over at the end, when he saw the paper.)

      May 2, 2013 at 11:27 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Batman

    …whatisthisidon’teven.

    May 1, 2013 at 8:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Roto13

    For reasons of sex, marriage, and/or gambling tournaments and I don’t know what that meeeaaannnsssss

    May 1, 2013 at 8:38 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Jack B.

    Also, Dude, gypsy is not the preferred nomenclature. Romani, please.

    May 1, 2013 at 9:13 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Poltergeist

      TLC begs to differ

      May 1, 2013 at 1:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   deprogrammed

      Thought they were Travelers.

      May 1, 2013 at 2:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   diogenes bang

      Any self respecting gypsy doesn’t give a rat’s arse what people call them or think of them.

      May 1, 2013 at 7:42 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Esmeralda

      Actually, Travellers and Romany are two different groups. And yeah, we do care what people call us. Gypsy is really rude, we much prefer Romany.

      May 2, 2013 at 8:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Tard

    Are you guys turned on now, too?

    May 1, 2013 at 9:16 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Beatus Mongous

      Very, but it has little to do with Teddy’s rant.

      May 1, 2013 at 12:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Poltergeist

      Yes. The fact that somebody would pay money to have sex with Teddy Hotpants leads me to conclude that he’s a silver fox. Add to that the fact that a Gypsy is also involved, and it’s like they plucked that guilty fantasy right out of my dirty little mind.

      May 1, 2013 at 1:32 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   FeRD bang

      “Fact” may be overreaching a bit, there, Poltergeist… we really only have Teddy’s word that any such transaction(s) took place, and I suspect he may have a richer fantasy life than all of us put together. :lol:

      May 2, 2013 at 11:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   H for Toy

    So, the Gypsy fortune Teller can tell the future, but can’t remember if it was August 19th or 20th?

    May 1, 2013 at 9:37 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   The Elf

      The Spirits aren’t too clear on dates.

      May 1, 2013 at 10:32 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   H for Toy

    Reno Pennysaver: the original Vaugebook.

    May 1, 2013 at 9:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Ely North

    My biggest question is: who the hell wants to have sex with a 62 year old man? And wants it bad enough to seek advice from a Gypsy about it?

    May 1, 2013 at 9:40 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Lil'

      Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall at the FBI’s office when that mule comes in demanding immediate action?

      May 1, 2013 at 9:45 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Ermengarde bang

      I’d seek advice from a Gypsy for Patrick Stewart…

      of 72.

      May 1, 2013 at 9:58 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   The Elf

      You’d have to figure that to an 80 year old woman, a 62 year old man would be quite the stud muffin. But to catch him you might need a little mojo.

      Hey, sex doesn’t stop when you stop being young and hot!

      May 1, 2013 at 10:36 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Roto13

      Luckily for 62-year-old men the world over, plenty of people.

      May 1, 2013 at 11:50 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   Beatus Mongous

      “It also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down one of those things and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off, and I just stood there at his big beutiful hairy balls flopping around, holy geez I wanted to lick em!”

      -Adam Sandler

      May 1, 2013 at 12:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   Jami

      I can think of men well over 60 I’d rather have sex with than most guys my own age or younger. Alan Rickman for one.

      May 1, 2013 at 2:31 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.7   H for Toy

      Ed Harris. Christopher Plummer.

      May 1, 2013 at 4:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.8   Poltergeist

      I hope everybody still wants to have sex with me when I’m 62 years old.

      May 1, 2013 at 6:09 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.9   Jetboy

      I just hope my wife wants to still have sex with me when I’m 62

      May 2, 2013 at 9:17 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.10   Beatus Mongous

      I hope your wife still wants to have sex with me when I’m 62, as well.

      May 3, 2013 at 11:02 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   annap

    I lived in a Reno for a couple years. This doesn’t surprise me one bit!

    May 1, 2013 at 9:50 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   annap

    *The* Reno not *a* Reno

    May 1, 2013 at 9:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Jim

    Yep. I live near Reno . . . sadly, this sort of thing is pretty common up here. “Reno 911!” wasn’t too far off the mark.

    May 1, 2013 at 10:13 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Newbie

    Reno = armpit of America.
    This was a fascinating rant.

    May 1, 2013 at 1:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Sam

    I feel awkward laughing at a paranoid schizophrenic.

    May 1, 2013 at 7:24 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Ermengarde bang

      Teddy reminds me of one of my favorite co-workers, a veteran who’d had multiple head injuries… almost hear him narrating this. Dude knew he was weird, didn’t give a fuck, laughed and went on being.

      May 1, 2013 at 11:31 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   wapwah

    “What kind of a mule is it” has already nestled istelf in my brain snug between the phrases “so it goes,” and “who is john galt?”

    May 2, 2013 at 12:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   FeRD bang

      “And so it goes, and so it goes,
      And so will you, soon, I suppose.”

      Best. Lyric. EVAR.

      May 2, 2013 at 11:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Hannah

    I have been to Reno many times, this isnt even a little bit surprising.

    May 2, 2013 at 1:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   The Elf

    I finally got the title. Yay, Johnny Cash! Good reference, Kerry.

    May 2, 2013 at 7:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   bitchy the dwarf

    maybe Mrs Teddy couldn’t afford a real marriage counselor to help get Ted back in the sack and just wanted to share a little adventure at the casinos with him anyway ;)

    May 2, 2013 at 9:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Ermengarde bang

    ATTENTION: ALL CASINO WORKERS AND SHOW PEOPLE! Message from Teddy Williams.

    What kind of a “MULE” is it that goes to Gypsy fortune Tellers regarding a 62-year-old man for reasons of sex, marriage and Gaming Tournaments, and not to him personally. Answer, directly or indirectly??

    **On August 19 or 20th, some people went behind my back to a Gypsy fortune teller in Reno. Again, for reasons of either having sex with me, marriage, or and getting me to play in gambling tournaments for you or some group in particular. I was never asked or told about it.

    Whatever she promised you is a big lie! No one has authority over a 62-year-old man, me! I will not do whatever she promised you in exchange for money for her. I will not do it!!! Ever!!! And I will not be a prostitute for anyone!!!

    If you have given money to a fortune teller in exchange for whatever she promised you in regards to me, go to the U.S. Attorneys office in Reno or the F.B.I. and demand it back and have her arrested, for fraudulent promises. Extortion! A word to the wise is sufficient. I won’t do it! Whatever it is!

    Question? What kind of a “MULE” is it that goes to a Gypsy fortune teller regarding a 62-year-old man for reasons of sex, marriage, and/or gambling tournaments, and not to him personally?? Answer: directly and indirectly….. You, you stupid “MULE”!!!

    ***

    I had to do it. h/t to the alt text ;)

    May 2, 2013 at 9:54 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Danielle

    Every now and then, you read something and think, “That shit is weird.” It’ll be a while before I think that again.

    May 2, 2013 at 12:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   elisabethzero

    Here I thought maybe this was what Dr. Bronner does when he’s having a bad day…

    May 2, 2013 at 8:41 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Raichu

    *headtilt*

    what?

    May 4, 2013 at 1:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Alissa

    This epic needs to be turned into poetry, or set to music…

    May 4, 2013 at 8:52 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Gladystopia bang

    Somehow I kinda hear this in Gary Busey’s voice.

    May 7, 2013 at 2:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Baroness

    Damn gypsies.

    May 8, 2013 at 7:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Dr.Chalkwitheringlicktacklefeff

    Mental illness is both sad and hilarious.

    May 28, 2013 at 5:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     

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