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Drink my Coca-Cola…and the terrorists win

June 1st, 2013 · 71 comments

Ana in Kentucky spotted this epic on the faculty fridge at the school where she works.

Dear Coke-I-leave-on-the-door-thief, As a child who grew up in the depression era, I come from humble beginnings. I have learned to take pleasures in the simple things in life; the river, the trees in spring, the wonderment in children's eyes...As I move forward through another morning, my caffeine deprived brain and I ponder silently the consequences of your actions. Have you no pride? Have you no shame? As a part time Aid and Para Professional, my compensation for said duties is not as lucrative or rewarding as the joy my heart feels when a student finally reaches their potential academically, spiritually, and emotionally. I beg you, kind sir or ma'am, to consider the effects your actions have on my ability to produce God-fearing citizens of this democracy. May I suggest that you help yourself to any of the half-empty Sprite bottles or outdated rotten apples that I tend to leave in the same general vicinity as my valued Coke product? May you never feel the pain of eating peanut butter at 10am and having nothing to drink except something called

related: Take my last Diet Coke from the fridge and I WILL cut you.

FILED UNDER: Coke · Kentucky · Louisville · most popular notes of 2013 · office fridge · schools & teachers · stealing · TL;DR · Won't somebody think of the children?

71 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Brain

    He drinks Coke after eating peanut butter? Blurgh, no thanks!

    Jun 1, 2013 at 2:18 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Ermengarde bang

      You *read* it?

      I fell over from severe involuntary eyerolling after the third line.

      Jun 1, 2013 at 2:42 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Iwill FindU

      Really cause my thought was who drinks coke at 10 in the morning. Although I like a cold drink of milk with my peanut butter.

      Jun 1, 2013 at 4:15 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Nat

      I used to have a choir teacher in high school who, by 9 am, would have had at LEAST 3-4 Diet Cokes. Hyper doesn’t even begin to cover it.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 2:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.4   Eliavy

      If a music director isn’t hyper, he’s doing it wrong.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 7:53 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #1.5   Tesselara

      Caffeine should be a claimable business expense for teachers. I can’t teach 25 kids without it.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 7:26 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #1.6   redhe

      I drink a pop at 7 a.m. each day (no coffee). Cherry coke zero or diet cherry pepsi. I survive just fine.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 11:46 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.7   Snowflame

      God, I just remembered I had a modern studies teacher who would drink up to three cans of Coke in a single one hour class, and then fall asleep at his desk and snore loudly. I have no idea *what* was wrong with that guy, but I sure as hell don’t remember learning very much. Wouldn’t have wanted to risk stealing his Coke either.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 1:07 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.8   Fridge Pirate

      The coke was fucking delicious!

      Jul 24, 2014 at 7:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.9   Nahhh bang

      “…three cans of Coke in a single one hour class, and then fall asleep at his desk and snore loudly.”

      Sounds like sleep apnea.

      Or “just” insomnia. I’m addicted to Coke Zero. Luckily, everyone else here hates it, so I’ve got it all to my own little insomniac self. :)

      Jul 25, 2014 at 12:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #2   Novelist

    This was an epic PA note. It’s my personal favorite PA note in the category of : high school teacher’s lounge.

    Jun 1, 2013 at 3:02 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

  • #3   Snowflame

    Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait……..she leaves coke on the door, and she leaves rotten apples in the same general vicinity? So that’d be the fridge or the counter then. Ew. Gotta admit, I think I’d drink her coke too.

    Jun 1, 2013 at 5:50 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

  • #4   Nunavut Guy

    Coffee in the morning…….blech………….I pop me a pepsi at 6:oo am.

    Jun 1, 2013 at 6:47 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Hannah

      Me, too, brother. Me, too!

      Jun 2, 2013 at 7:18 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Rene

      Mt. Dew or gtfo.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   H for Toy

      Better than a beer at 6am, I guess.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 9:40 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   Lil'

      I’m waking up to an ice cold ginger ale every morning. Drink of choice for queasy moms everywhere. When I pop this baby out, I want Pepsi and lots of it. Come to think of it, the IV will already be connected…

      Jun 3, 2013 at 9:46 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #4.5   H for Toy

      Doing the pack of saltines next to the bed routine too, Lil’? Congratulations :) Gatorade was always my morning drink of choice.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 10:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.6   Lil'

      Thank you, H! Oh, yes. I keep the saltines on hand, but really green olives help me the most. I know my OB would scold me for the salt content, but a few olives once a day make me feel so much better. Thanks for the Gatorade tip – I could really use a change.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 10:24 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.7   The Elf

      Pepsi? Mountain Dew? I suppose everyone has their flaws.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 10:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.8   redheadwglasses

      COngrats, Lil!

      Jun 3, 2013 at 11:47 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #4.9   Lil'

      Thanks, red!

      Jun 3, 2013 at 12:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #4.10   H for Toy

      Gatorade has a good bit of sodium, so if you try it, you may find you don’t need the olives. Good luck! Next trimester should be a lot more fun :)

      Jun 3, 2013 at 8:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #4.11   Lindsay

      Lil, my mom ate so many Lindsay Olives when she was pregnant with me, it became my name. Apparently, her second choice was ‘Olive.’

      At least those are actual names. I could have been named ‘Vienna Sausage’ or something.

      I definitely vote you start drinking gatorade. My morning routine involves gatorade and tea.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 12:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #5   SeeYouInTea

    Depression Era? She/he would have to at least be in his or her 70s, right?

    Jun 1, 2013 at 8:59 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Hannah

      It sort of felt like the note-writer was poking fun at himself (herself?). I mean, he draws the conclusion that missing Coke = Death Star. Is it possible that someone could publicly complain about something like this AND BE A SELF-AWARE ENTITY?

      Jun 2, 2013 at 7:20 am   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #5.2   Paula

      It’s Kentucky, every year is “depression-era”.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 7:48 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #5.3   Rene

      I was wondering how old this person had to be, too. My great grandparents lived thru the Depression & …well they’re dead now. And didn’t die young.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.4   meliz88

      More like 80s.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 7:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #5.5   Adriana

      Some people consider themselves to have grown up in the Depression Era because they were born during the Depression Era. Sort of like saying you grew up during the Cold War because you were born in 1987.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 7:30 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #5.6   redheadwglasses

      “BOrn in the Depression” = very late 1929 into 1940, 1941 (the war sure helped the economy along).

      Jun 3, 2013 at 1:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #6   Jessi

    A world of soda drinkers doesn’t, to me, include a world of athletically active children like the ones described.

    Jun 1, 2013 at 9:47 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Kat

      Right, because if someone drinks soda, they obviously can’t handle the strenuous athletic experience of jump rope. I ate chocolate the other day, I might as well just keel over and die. The shame of not being up to Jessi’s standards of physical fitness could kill me on its own, even if my unhealthy lifestyle doesn’t.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 4:23 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Ermengarde bang

      ^ sending to

      Jun 2, 2013 at 6:00 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   Jessi

      Kat, way to apply your own issues to my comment.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:10 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #6.4   potato

      I know, right? I drank a drop of soda once and immediately gained 15 lbs and developed type 2 diabetes.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:26 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #6.5   Poltergeist

      I envision Kat sitting at her computer, refreshing the page, just waiting for somebody to say something she could get offended over.

      Jun 5, 2013 at 7:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #7   domnito

    holy shit that’s long, and over a coke? I cannot be bothered to read that.

    Jun 1, 2013 at 11:25 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Jami

      Multiple Cokes, apparently. As it seems it gets stolen every single day.

      At this point I say just get a cooler and keep it near you at all times.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:15 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #8   Jen

    I think the aluminium might be starting to take its toll…

    Jun 2, 2013 at 2:13 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #9   sken

    why is someone complaining about a 50 cent can of coke that is making them fat? It would take less energy to buy a new one than to write this boring and irritating letter.

    Jun 2, 2013 at 2:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   nativefloridian

      “It would take less energy to buy a new one than to write this boring and irritating letter.”

      Not when you have a lunch break with a time limit.

      And 50¢ + 50¢ + 50¢ + 50¢… it adds up. And at 50¢, it probably isn’t cold. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like warm soda.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 2:22 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #9.2   Jami

      Not everyone who drinks soda looks like me. That might be their one and only vice. And one Coke a day isn’t going to make you put on 100 pounds. Now 5 or more Cokes a day on the other hand.

      As for cost – they’re a teacher so I assume they work 5 days a week. 50 cents times 5 = $2.50 a week. And that’s only if the Coke actually does cost only 50 cents. Many do not.

      $2.50 a week times the 4 weeks in a month is $10 a month. Then multiply that by how many months in a school year, perhaps add more if they teach summer school. Plus they might have to over see a few Saturday detentions. Which means an extra 50 cents here and there.

      It adds up.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 8:03 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #9.3   guest

      Yes, but the note-writer is TRYING to be irritating to the person who should’ve just bought their own soda.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 12:41 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #10   Wench

    On one hand, annoying long winded letter….

    On the other hand, some asshat stole the notewriters coke. I’d be pissed too if someone stole my much needed caffeine bubbles….

    On balance, team notewriter.

    Jun 2, 2013 at 4:13 am   rating: 33  small thumbs up

  • #11   kermit

    This sounds like the sort of letter Warren Buffett would have written if his life had really taken a turn and he became a substitute teacher instead.

    (FYI – Warren made more than a pretty penny investing in Coke. And he allegedly really really really loves to drink Coke as much as this guy.)

    Jun 2, 2013 at 10:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #12   So

    While you shouldn’t expect your Coke to be stolen, neither should you be leaving on the doorstep where it can be stolen. What is wrong with your fridge?

    Jun 2, 2013 at 11:55 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   potato

      What? She’s leaving it in the door of the fridge.

      Jun 2, 2013 at 8:22 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   So

      Sorry, that was me being an idiot and not reading it properly.

      Jun 4, 2013 at 2:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #13   Joffrey is a turd

    “Grew up in the depression era” would make this person age 82 or thereabouts. Not buying it.

    Jun 2, 2013 at 3:48 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Raichu

      I love your username.

      Jun 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #14   Kat

    Team notewriter, if only because this is clearly tongue-in-cheek. And what’s up with the phrase “tongue-in-cheek” anyway?

    Jun 2, 2013 at 4:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   guest

      It’s funny to mime a BJ?

      Jun 3, 2013 at 12:42 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #15   Rene

    Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever “TL;DR”d a note on this site before. Jeebus.

    Jun 2, 2013 at 8:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #16   Kellye

    Maybe she shouldn’t leave rotten apples in the fridge then. Karma is a bitch. A well-caffeinated bitch, apparently.

    Jun 3, 2013 at 7:33 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #17   TKD

    All credibility was lost when I got to the first line of “chapter” 3. If one takes time to compose an epic PA rant, take a few extra hours to proofread the SOB.
    Truly dissappointed in notewriter :-(

    Jun 3, 2013 at 10:13 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   pooham

      Give her a break. She’s been deprived of her source of caffeine. Although that certainly doesn’t excuse her from not cleaning up her rotten apples and half-drunk Sprites.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 11:18 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.2   Ermengarde bang

      Half-drunk sprites are notorious for mischief, and are probably the ones who stole the Coke.

      Jun 3, 2013 at 11:24 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #17.3   pooham

      ^ I can’t stop laughing!

      Jun 3, 2013 at 2:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #18   Nomnom

    Boohoo my life was harder than yours and I DESERVE THINGS FOR MY SUFFERING.

    Team person who steals Coke, even though I am generally against people stealing Coke I just dislike the note writer too much to be on their side.

    Jun 3, 2013 at 12:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Tom

      Well, I hope you never get picked for jury duty.

      “Not guilty, because I think the plaintiff is super annoying! (even though it’s obvious who actually broke the law)”

      Jun 4, 2013 at 12:06 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #19   Kirsty

    How come only about one commenter realises this note is tongue-in-cheek?

    Maybe because the others didn’t bother to read the whole thing, and are commenting solely on the first few lines…

    Jun 3, 2013 at 3:44 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #20   jdaniel

    I would hope the note is tongue-in-cheek. I am also certain the author is annoyed.

    However, if I ever get to the point where a I write a LETTER about something so trite, you can be sure I am one Coke short of going nuclear.

    Jun 3, 2013 at 4:00 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #21   AuntyBron

    “Have you no pride? Have you no shame?” Ain’t they kinda, you know, opposite? Pick one, baby. You want Coke-thief to be proud or ashamed?

    Jun 6, 2013 at 11:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   FeRD bang

      That’s sorta the point. One or the other should suffice, but either would be fine! In most situations, if your pride doesn’t hold you back from doing something you’re not proud of, then at least your sense of shame will. They’re opposing forces, but that doesn’t mean they cancel each other out.

      Jul 11, 2013 at 2:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #22   guesst

    Shee. I’ll never steal a Coke from William Faulkner ever again.

    Jun 12, 2013 at 2:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   OurHero

    At least the Terrorists aren’t winning because of this. Oh, wait…

    Jun 13, 2013 at 3:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   DBlaker

    Strike democracy, insert republic.

    Oct 16, 2013 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Fridge Pirate bang

    The coke was fucking delicious!

    Jul 24, 2014 at 8:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   H

    Team note writer!

    Jul 25, 2014 at 2:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   lisa

    Use the fridge you animal ..

    Nov 8, 2014 at 2:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up